To have been told off by HR for this?

[Mhassy]

I asked a member of the HR team if they had children, in the context of discussing a flexible working request. This was in the small talk/intro part of the conversation, it wasn’t said to make a point or anything, or to bolster my request for flexible working. It was literally a polite back and forth before the actual meeting began, she asked how things were going with DD, I mentioned some new teething and it was all very chatty and I just asked - I thought politely! - if she had children. She told me she didn’t and the time had passed for her to now. We then moved onto the meeting itself.

Anyway, a day later I have a called from someone high up in HR to say I shouldn’t ask people if they have children and this is not an appropriate question in the workplace.

I do get that pregnancy etc can be a sensitive topic. I lost a baby a few years ago and it was and incredibly painful time at work and I felt triggered by any small talk about babies. However I would never have made an issue and I didn’t make an issue when the topic was raised.

AIBU to think this is a step too far to be policing this sort of conversation? I am recently a single parent and wouldn’t launch into being offended if I was asked if I had a partner? Where does it end? I was only making conversation!

Your empathy is outstanding 👏🏼

Woke society going overboard again! Where will it end! I would guess they asked you what your childcare arrangements were.

Wow some of the comments on this post are a real eye-opener. I didn't realise there was so many prickly people. I'm grateful that I work in a friendly, relaxed team, we can talk about anything and everything with each other and nobody gets offended or hypersensitive. If I worked somewhere else I'd maybe have a shock.
I don't think you did anything wrong at all OP.

Gosh. I would never even consider that a question like this would be inappropriate. It's not like you randomly walked to a person and asked if they have children. You were discussing yours and potential future pregnancies.
She shouldn't work in HR if this topic is too sensitive to her.

My stance would be completely different if OP followed up with why not, but she didn’t.

I don't think it should be brought up. Talk about your own children, absolutely. If the other person has children they will let you know. If they don't mention them presume they have not. I'm in this exact position. I do not have children but want to in the near future. I happen to work within education and people ask this politely in most interactions with new people. From my side it feels as though I'm being undermined because I don't have children. Although it's asked with the best of intentions. It singles me out and when I'm conversation with professionals older than me the impression is that I am too young to understand. I'm 31 and many of my friends have children. I am not unqualified or too young because I am childless but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

And many women don’t want to feel singled out in he work place for having kids. Or maybe it’s not going well, or the child is ill.

The op was told this was not appropriate for a work place conversation. The other person brought her child up. Op could as easily claim that wasn’t a workplace conversation.

It was not relevant to the subject they were meeting about. Don’t ask people about a subject if you don’t want them to ask you similar questions.

If we are going to police work place conversations so heavily, then the person who asked about Ops child was inappropriate and their question led to the whole situation.

I agree that it can be a touchy subject but I don't think you're being unreasonable. I didn't read all the comments so don't know if it's already been answered. But as a mum I've found myself chatting with all sort of people when they see children and they ask about them/how old they are/developmental milestones that sort of thing, because even if they don't have kids themselves they probably know of someone who complains about sleepless nights and all that. Some people say they didn't have children, and the conversation moves on. Maybe the HR person was triggered by someone asking, but I am sure she can see that you didn't ask maliciously

Some people are ridiculously sensitive. I wouldn't pay too much attention. Seems like she's one of those people who would have found fault without reason. That was not an inappropriate question, especially in the context of that meeting. I don't think you should dwell on this. You were prob only "told off" to keep the peace. Also if your flexible working request is denied file a grievance and appeal the decision!

If she was the first person to bring up the subject of children, I don't think she has a leg to stand on.

Some people huh... 🤷🏼‍♀️

Peeps need to chillax a tad...

You didn't mean anything bad but it was an inappropriate question to ask especially someone in HR! I know you were just being chatty and I am like that but sometimes asking personal questions is considered a breach of the equality act and this was a sore topic for the person you asked, clearly. Learn from it and just don't get into such personal small talk in your job next time unless you are friends with a colleague. Don't beat yourself up over it lovely. That person made a massive issue and didn't need to she could have told you it isn't appropriate to ask directly that day rather than grass you up lol.

A breach of the equality act? Don't talk nonsense.

Really? I'm an employment barrister and senior hr adviser so love I know my stuff lol 😆

Really? I'm an employment barrister and senior hr adviser of 14 years, so love I know my stuff lol 😆

As they started the conversation I think you could turn this around. You were there to talk about a flexible working request, not about your children. Why did she bring your child into it?
Also sounds like you were being set up tbh.

@Naheeda03 - I am interested to know how the OP asking an HR representative if they have children would be a breach of the equalities act?

If it was a breach of the Equality Act then perhaps the stupid HR person shouldn't have asked OP if she had kids either.

Make a counter complaint against her if it's not an appropriate conversation for work.

I wouldn't normally be petty but someone like that deserves it. It's a bit fucking rich when she started the conversation. I would be so angry.

And you still claim two colleagues having a conversation in the workplace could somehow contravene the equality act? Bollocks.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · Today 09:47

Eightfour · Today 00:25

I must remember tomorrow not to ask my colleagues how their evenings were, how half term is going, how one colleague is coping with an issue they confided in me with. Must remember they are all out to get me and I should only talk about work. Given we work on individual projects that will be a fun future of silence for me. I am sure my mental health will love it.
I'm glad I don't work with you. "How my evening went" is none of your business. My private, out of work life is none of your business.

And I am glad I don't work with you. That's as weird AF. I don't know how you can work with someone without some personal interaction. I've only ever worked with one person as buttoned up as this, and it wasn't a pleasant experience for any of her colleagues. Plus she fell out with everyone, and stopped speaking to them. Juvenile!

In which case, the person asking ops children was a breech. You would know this.

The person asked about ops child when it was entirely irrelevant to the conversation. The reason for a flexible working request is irrelevant, asking about the child could be viewed as trying to get information out of op to form part of their decision which is entirely wrong and makes the company vulnerable.

Their questions made the Ops question relevant so not a breech.

Then given a senior HR manager broached this is an entirely unprofessional way there’s a case for bullying/ constructive dismissal.

If the Senior Hr manager believed the equalities act had been breached, they entirely fucked it up by how they handled it.

If the company, stupidly, claimed a breech of the equalities act, given they failed to follow process, a tribunal would find in Ops favour. As you know a massive focus of tribunals is wether the process was followed and wether the process is fit for purpose.

Naheeda03 · Today 15:03

Really? I'm an employment barrister and senior hr adviser so love I know my stuff lol 😆

Perhaps then love you could cite some relevant case law?

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · Today 00:26

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · Today 00:14

The estimated prevalence of uncaught rapists is around 6% of men. See Lisak and Miller.
Show quote history
@Runnerinthenight Rape Crisis estimate that around one quarter of women are the victim of an an attempted or completed rape at some point during their lives. One girl in four has been sexually assaulted by age 16. Victims of sexual violence are not the tiny minority that you think they are and for that reason alone rape "jokes" shouldn't be allowed at work.

WTAF ever said they should be?

I have no idea how you have managed to conflate rape with one woman asking another if she had a child. It's quite the reach!

Well said.