AIBU to consider a massive pay cut?

[SisterA]

I currently earn £70k in a role with no management or budget responsibility but it’s high risk work and my output can have a direct impact on the whole organisation. I work in an industry that just has a lot of money.

I’m miserable. Feel out of my depth all the time which is mentally draining and part of that is because I just don’t find the work interesting. I have no interest or passion in this field.

I’ve been offered a role doing something totally different but something. I’ve always wanted to do (term time position) but it’s a massive pay cut (50%). My husband earns well also but not as much as me and we have 2 young children. One will be starting school this year but we will obviously have wrap around care to consider and the other still in nursery for another 3.5 years. His funded hours will kick in next year.

my husband is dead against taking this job and is adamant we won’t survive. We do have some debt but it’s not outrageous. I think the term time working will be a bonus as we won’t have to think about holidays in future. We might accrue some new debt but I think we can balance it and be super frugal until funded hours are in next year when things will become much more manageable.

would you back down? Or would you insist on taking the job. AIBU for seriously considering this offer or do I need to just continue to be unhappy for another few years until we are more financially stable?

so you are saying you will be both the main earner and mother because your husband refuses to pull his weight , wow

@SisterA While I'm glad you're happy with your decision, I hope you reconsider. The benefits of term time working are biggest when your children are small, so waiting a few years makes little sense to me. Also life (and children) only get more expensive so I suspect there will never be a good time.

It sounds like you’re right to consider a job move if you’re unhappy at work. But this isn’t the only job out there and I’m with your partner. Maybe take it as your cue and a confidence boost to start looking for something new that’s better suited for your family and existing commitments. It’s not a binary choice - this job or years more in your current one. There is no sense choosing to take on more debt because your core family budget doesn’t stack up. Work through the numbers together and figure out what income reduction you can tolerate, where the line is.

How would you feel if it were the other way around and DH were the one insisting on taking a 35k pay cut?

I just want to say that he absolutely does pull his weight. And I’m very proud of him. He works very hard & has consistently put in the work to further himself in his career. He also does his fair share at home. I started this thread for opinions on whether it would be unreasonable to consider such a bold move because I don’t enjoy my job, not because my husband doesn’t contribute enough financially or at home. Mothers can be main breadwinners too. His salary isn’t small it’s very good too with room to grow which is the only reason I ever considered this in the first place.

I'm glad you've made a decision OP. The relief from doing that is something worthwhile in itself. Now if I were you, I'd plan for the medium term, before you reach another crisis point. Take some professional advice or therapy on finding out about your needs and how to put those first. Build up a good bank of savings. Work out what you want and how to achieve it. Learn how to live within a smaller income. Work out (with your therapist?) how to talk to your DH so that he really listens next time.

Have you been living beyond your considerable means to accrue such debt? If so think long and hard before you are immersed in more debt.

I can't believe how many people are saying you should stay miserable because you have an unsupportive husband who is unwilling to make a couple of sacrifices for his wife.

Your husband is the only one being unreasonable here. Chances are if you stay in this job the mental strain will become too much and you'll end up having to quit. Take the job. Your husband should be supporting this, no question. He is putting his creature comforts over your happiness. Honestly if he tries to hold it against you I would be questioning how good of a husband he actually is and how much he is gaslighting you so he has an easier life. Harsh maybe but I'd never make my other half stay in a miserable job no matter what. We've made sacrifices for each other financially and always made it work because we helped each other. That's how a marriage works.

Hi OP. I retrained as a primary teacher about 10 years ago. I initially took a pay cut to work in a TA level position (slightly different role) for 12 months so that I had more school experience on top of the voluntary work I had, and could work in school before committing to student loans etc. Like you, I spend my childhood / teens wanting to be a teacher, I just panicked after doing my degree that it was a devision I made when I didn't know much about the world of work, so went into a different field- and very quickly regretted it.

A few things for you to think about...

Are there enough jobs in your chosen field? STEM / Maths secondary teachers are in high demand, primary teachers can be the reverse - in my area, there are often 60+ applicants for one job and I know of a few schools making cuts. From a friend of mine I know that supply teaching is also thin on the ground at the moment. If you can't secure a permanent position, your expected earnings are suddenly half of what you expected.

Are you on a border of different counties with different school holidays? Again I have friends who have different school holidays to their children. As an example this year...Oct half term - different weeks, Christmas... only 1 week together, Feb half term - different, Easter..only 1 week together. Whit is the same, and most of summer. This means your job opportunities are more restricted or you have the worst of both worlds - no flexibility taking time off, and it doesn't solve the holiday childcare issue. Not to mention not spending time with your children. Missing out on school assemblies / some time at weekends with them was bearable for me because of time spent with them in the holidays.

Does your current job involve much evening / weekend work? You will have to do a lot of this, especially early in your career when you haven't built up your resources and you have less experience.

I don't want to be negative, I love my job but I have been lucky to currently have a role I love (advisory teacher). It is very funding dependent though so I am always aware it could end. The first few years were tough, I had time supply teaching with the uncertainty that brings, as well as classroom teaching - with the constant heavy workload. Just make sure you are going it with your eyes open.

As he isn't the breadwinner, I don't think he gets to veto you earning less money. The person earning more money is often the person with a more stressful job and worse mental health.

However, the fact that you even had maternity debt is troubling. On your joint income, if you couldn't save enough for maternity, he might well have a point about your outgoings.

I suspect you need a better budget. Can you find a way to live on less money, so you're funnelling money into paying off the debt/building savings each month? This would demonstrate to him that you can in fact survive a pay cut without decreasing your quality of life, and also build up a cushion for if the new career didn't work out.

Your kids would be loads happier with less money and more you. A term time job is the dream for a parent and they're kids. Kids just want you. I would be taking the job in a great beat. Only your husband will be mildly inconvenienced by this from the sounds of it.
Plus, I know from experience if you are unhappy at work it will leak into your non work life and you won't be happy there either.

This is the best advice I’ve seen. The offset saving of childcare etc. will have a huge impact. I took a pay cut a few years ago to change jobs and hardly noticed the difference once all of that was accounted for. And I now earn way more after a few years and a few promotions anyway! Term time only is the dream with small children!!

I’d find a different job with a similar salary or just a little bit less but not a 50% cut

How on earth can you be in debt on those salaries? Just cut your cloth.
You have a great opportunity to start a new job you've always wanted to do and you're not going to do it for nothing more than greed. I think you're making a mistake

I know you keep saying you get funded hours from next year but are you aware that 2 year olds will get 15 hours from April this year and all over 9 months from September this year.

I see that your combined income would be £90k. Honestly that seems like a very live-able income. That’s roughly our combined income and we are very comfortable with 2 children (one having free hours at nursery that we top up and one about to start nursery). Admittedly we live in Yorkshire so maybe a cheaper area to live than yourself. You’d be saving childcare during the school holidays and be able to spend the time with the children whilst they’re young. If I had the option to change to a term-time position I’d jump at the chance and sacrifice something else.

I dropped 50k a year in a job I hated to take a job I really wanted with less hours . I have zero regrets. My health is better and I am much happier. I have far more time with my family - I used to work 12 -14 hour days but the new job is over 4 days and finishes at 3 two days so we get to spend more time together. There have been sacrifices, we don’t eat out much any more. I won’t upgrade my car and will be having more holidays in this country but I would make the same decision again.
My husband wasn’t particularly supportive. I think he thought he would be taking on more bills and our quality of life would suffer but even he admits it has improved our family life a lot.

If you can work term time only that is a huge bonus when children are little.

£90k is a huge salary in my opinion. I think you would save money on childcare over school hols & it would be much better for them to be home in school hols rather than kids club.

Maybe he can go for a better paid job? You can also go back into better paid job in a few years once children get older.

Hi OP,

What do you mean by 'high risk work'? Do you mean the job is unstable (could go at any moment), or that you are making decisions that have potentially significant impacts, or that there is physical risk to you?

@SisterA

he’s got bigger ambitions that require some additional financial support which he won’t get from me if I were to change roles.

Well he needs to go earn the big bucks then! He obviously doesn't care about you working long hours in an industry you don't love & isn't concerned about the children spending school hols with you.

I think it comes down to the numbers

If you have a little debt at the moment then arguably you have no spare income now. So how will you manage with even less income.

Agree with others who say that if he's not supportive now you will shoulder the pressure and blame every time you as a family can't afford something.

On the other hand in a few years both children will be in school so you'll be making a saving then - if you think you can manage on the lower income until then it's easier to sell the idea.

So if you did this, and halved your salary, would you be happy with him doing the same and halving his salary then? That would put your joint income massively down.

I don't think you'd be happy with him doing it too right? If you're happy to half your salary you need to offer him the option to do the same and half his for a job he prefers. I don't think it's fair otherwise.

Because of the kids, I think YABU, but if you didn't have dependents I think it'd be fine to change roles. I wonder if you could wait a few years until the kids are older to make the move – that's what my mum did when we were little. Retrained when we were in secondary school.

There also might be a halfway house where you ask your work to do four days in five (or something) and use the fifth day to work on your passion/forge a career there.

The difference here is that he likes his job, not just his current job, but he likes what he does & doesn’t want to do anything different. He’s always wanted to do what he does now. If he left his current job he wouldn’t be leaving to retrain & do something different.

However, final decision has been made; I think asking the question was a clear enough deciding factor that now really isn’t the time. But it’s set the wheels in motion to make positive changes.

I don’t think my children would be “happier” if I worked term time only - of course children who have parents who work in the holidays can be just as happy as those who have 1 or 2 parents around in the holidays. So it’s not a decision that needs to be made now. They have a loving and happy home and at the end of the day they will always come first which is why I’ve turned the offer down.

You do a budget and see if you can afford to change. If the change is to the detriment of your finances and puts you in further debt then you know what you have to do.

Unfortunately none of us know how long we have left. If you're miserable, hate your job and stressed then leave. Do what you want to do. You can have more time with your children, make some memories and enjoy your life. Money is not everything. If you're struggling too much financially, downsize, change cars, have a few years having cheaper holidays etc. You'll also be in a smaller tax bracket. It's about your priorities whilst your children are small. If you feel you need to change your life, then do it. You only get one life.
If your husband is not supportive of this, then prehaps he doesn't fully understand that you're miserable and need to change your lifestyle for your happiness. It's difficult, because he may resent you, if you make a change to be happier. On the otherhand, if you don't do what you want to do, you're going to end up resenting your husband and the lost opportunity to be with your children in the school holidays, which, personally I don't think you can put a price on.

You spend too much of your life working to be miserable. Do it.