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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with this? - Child looking over the fence!

147 replies

Dmanny30 · 13/02/2024 14:33

AIBU with this - everyone says I am, including my husband!

I have a 2 year old son, soon to be three & next door we have a year old boy living with his parents, now I must stress he’s such a lovely little boy & we have an alright relationship with his parents. But our fence is about 5 foot high.. & over the last few summers the little lad has pulled up a piece of garden furniture & literally stares into our garden. And I mean literally for hours on end whenever we’re in the garden, he’s always asking questions like “will you pass me that ball” “can your son play with that & that” I’m started to feel like free childcare cos his parents never ever come outside to play with him.

one instance during a particular hot few days I went into the garden early one morning at around 8ish to play while it was still cool but the bit of furniture had been moved so when he came out I could just see a little bit of his head & hands on the fence, I went inside for a sec & I came out to his father putting the bit of ratan furniture back at the side of the fence so he could state over.

now, even after a long day & my child is in bed and I go out for a glass of wine & a vape (I’m trying to stop lol) he’s still on the fence saying “what you drinking? My mummy drinks that” “are you smoking that’s disgusting” even once when I was sunbathing with my headphones on I looked slightly through my eyes & could see him staring…. He was there literally 20 minutes before he left… just been started at!

now, my husband says I have to remember his age, my father said the same & he went be like this forever but I think some boundaries need put in place and I’m not the ones to place them. I think it should be his parents but sometimes when he’s on the fence I can see them just laying on the sofa while I’m playing Barney the purple dinosaur.

i can’t make the fence higher & or put trellis panels up without it being obvious & im not 100% sure how his parents would take it if i did say something. I did once say to him that im having some chill time & it was time for him to go back to his own garden but he didn’t move.

AIBU for wanting some privacy or should i just remember he’s a toddler & grin & bear it?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 13/02/2024 19:56

Greenpolkadot · 13/02/2024 17:11

You said a year old in your first post

Show quote history

And she corrected it!

Pussygaloregalapagos · 13/02/2024 20:04

StitchVic · 13/02/2024 16:49

I can empathise with you OP, we had the exact same thing a few years ago in a terraced holiday cottage. Child next door (who was not on holiday- it was their permanent home) was around 6 and would stand on a piece of furniture their side and stare over the fence asking us a million and one questions every time we were out enjoying the garden. He even tried to get us to let him come over into our garden but we fibbed and said the adjoining gate was locked our side and we didn’t have a key. I know it sounds slightly mean spirited but it was very annoying as we were having a lovely time as a family, and frankly I didn’t see why we should childmind a stranger’s kid on our family holiday! Fortunately we were only there a week, and because we were on holiday we were out and about quite a bit so it was manageable. I never could understand though why the parents let him do it so much (presumably he did it with all the holiday makers that stayed there!).
Anyway, as others have said already, if it were my permanent home I’d put up some bamboo fence/trellis (& grow climbing plants up for extra privacy!). I wouldn’t worry about what the neighbours think- they’re obviously not that bothered about the effect their child’s behaviour is having on you.
Good luck OP!

I know someone who did similar. It is so annoying living next door to a holiday home. On the first night the new guests arrive they send their kids out to play really loudly wat games and have a bonfire and then play drum and bass at the window between 10pm and 11pm. The place got pretty bad reviews and then the owners sold it. Worked a treat.

HateItWhenABitchLetsHimselfSlide · 13/02/2024 20:09

You could wait until the parents are in the garden and then do the same thing. Stand on a chair and ask them questions and talk non-stop til they get fed up.

Nocontact84 · 13/02/2024 20:10

This would really wind me up. It's the parents fault, they should be more aware of what he's doing. I'm always aware if my son is bothering other people. I think they need to be told or it will just continue

SparkyBlue · 13/02/2024 20:19

I had this OP. The neighbours child would stand up on a high piece of furniture and stare into our garden and chat anytime we ventured outside. I totally get that she wanted company but one of my DC has additional needs and I was drained from my own DC never mind anyone else's . Also my DC who is a similar age to her prefers his own company as he has autism and just wanted to run about himself. Her parents were more than aware of this. I was hoping the parents would get the hint as I'm very conscious that we will all be living here next to each other for a long time so it's good to try to get along but I soon realised the parents didn't give a hoot. Their garden is much larger than ours and they'd be at the other side sipping wine while she'd be hanging over the fence. Anyway I got annoyed one day when the child eventually went into her own house and the mother overheard me saying "for fucks sake I'm not having this for the whole fucking summer" and got into a snot with me which solved it.

Sunflowermoonbeam · 13/02/2024 20:38

Get one of those massive umbrellas and angle it so he can't see anything. It doesn't need to be right next to the fence so it won't be obvious and they can't really get annoyed

TerriPie · 13/02/2024 20:45

That takes me back to my old neighbour and her 4 kids. They spent hours clinging to the fence staring at me, shouting questions and finally kept 'accidentally' dropping toys and washing off the washing line over the fence and screaming until I handed them back.

In the end, I would only go outside with super dark sunglasses and headphones on and totally blanked them. The toys/washing were either thrown back over when I could be arsed or 'accidentally ' dropped in my bin depending on how much they had irritated me that day 😳. Pretty sure neighbour had a cracking odd sock pile until the penny dropped.....

Biffbaff · 13/02/2024 21:20

This happened to me in my last home (rented as well, so fencing modifications not an option). It really put me off using the garden and my husband, who is v antisocial, never used it. I swear the neighbours would wait until I took my son in the garden and then send their kids out for a bit of free childcare courtesy of me. It was actually on both sides as well as we were mid terrace, and at one point each neighbour's kids were standing on chairs having a conversation with each other across my garden!! Awful.

If I could have erected a massive fence I would have! You have my sympathy.

wronginalltherightways · 13/02/2024 21:29

We had something similar. We had words with their parents who initially dismissed our concerns, so we made a point of loudly and repeatedly asking them to turn around, to stop staring at/talking to us/etc, and the parents then removed the item they were on to stare into our garden.

YANBU

Original poster
Dmanny30 · 13/02/2024 22:53

I absolutely need to speak to the parents this year!

Tbf at this point I’m just venting so please bear with me! Haha My son has an obsession with fireman Sam last year the by next door on the fence said he’d got some Fireman Sam toys my child could play with.. he then, gave the toys to my son … and within 10 seconds & I’m not joking he asked for them back. Que a 20 minute meltdown from my son. But he kept standing there with them in his hands. When my husband politely asked if he could keep his toys in his own garden he said …. I am in my own garden 🤷🏼‍♂️

he asks if he can play with some on my sons toys and says “my mummy said we should share” well tbf my DS is in his own garden he doesn’t have to share.

also, sorry I’m on it atm… once we changed our garden furniture round & my DS actually stood on the furniture & looked into their garden while they were having a BBQ (one of the rare occasions they venture into the garden) &. I pulled him straight down & said to my DS “please dont stare into other people gardens it’s not very nice as they will want some privacy in their own garden”
I said it loud enough for them to hear so they obviously know what my stand point is on it but still don’t say a word to him, its baffling.

OP posts:
OnceinaMinion · 13/02/2024 23:23

There is nothing wrong with being obvious. I have this gigantic sheet I tent the patio with in the summer to shade the patio (the cat likes the shade!). There’s a whole variety of things you can put up to block his view, what are they going to do, complain he can’t annoy you.

IChangedForThis · 14/02/2024 08:37

Please don't be horrible to the boy by ignoring him or spraying him with water, as some have suggested. It's the parents you need to talk to.
Poor boy must be bored if he finds doing this so much fun.

SparkyBlue · 14/02/2024 09:29

Sunflowermoonbeam · 13/02/2024 20:38

Get one of those massive umbrellas and angle it so he can't see anything. It doesn't need to be right next to the fence so it won't be obvious and they can't really get annoyed

We actually did this as well and it does work

CharlotteBog · 14/02/2024 10:11

IChangedForThis · 14/02/2024 08:37

Please don't be horrible to the boy by ignoring him or spraying him with water, as some have suggested. It's the parents you need to talk to.
Poor boy must be bored if he finds doing this so much fun.

I always roll my eyes a bit at the 'I'd spray them with water' suggestions. As if anyone decent would really do that to a child in anything other than play.

Moll2020 · 14/02/2024 17:48

Couple of tall plants or trees in pots to block his view.

KateM91 · 14/02/2024 17:50

My son is 7 and I feel like he would be like this 😂 not creepy staring but looking over the fence and asking 101 questions. But I am very aware, so I would stop him. It’s on the parents. They need to address it, it’s not the kids fault. I would plant some stuff along the fence line or put up trellis. It’s your garden so it’s your decision, no body can stop you. Good luck 😉

PotatoLove · 14/02/2024 18:50

Get some type of trellis etc so you have some privacy. Sorry, but that would definitely annoy me after the first few times so I feel you.

OhcantthInkofaname · 14/02/2024 18:55

Arborvitae in pots. Grows fast. I particularly like the au naturale idea

Noodles1234 · 14/02/2024 19:00

I feel sorry for the kid, you’re playing a fun interactive role with your child and he wants some attention. However answer lays with his parents. I’d put up a trellis and maybe when next in conversation drop hints like I think he’s after you playing with him in the garden, what games do you do. It maybe they’ve never considered this or need a bolt up the backside.

FatPrincess · 14/02/2024 19:01

Whilst I wouldn't hold it against the lad due to his age, I'd defo get annoyed with the constant intrusion and especially the questions. Sometimes you just need some alone time. And it's particularly cheeky that his dad is actually putting the chair there to facilitate.

threatmatrix · 14/02/2024 19:03

Dmanny30 · 13/02/2024 14:33

AIBU with this - everyone says I am, including my husband!

I have a 2 year old son, soon to be three & next door we have a year old boy living with his parents, now I must stress he’s such a lovely little boy & we have an alright relationship with his parents. But our fence is about 5 foot high.. & over the last few summers the little lad has pulled up a piece of garden furniture & literally stares into our garden. And I mean literally for hours on end whenever we’re in the garden, he’s always asking questions like “will you pass me that ball” “can your son play with that & that” I’m started to feel like free childcare cos his parents never ever come outside to play with him.

one instance during a particular hot few days I went into the garden early one morning at around 8ish to play while it was still cool but the bit of furniture had been moved so when he came out I could just see a little bit of his head & hands on the fence, I went inside for a sec & I came out to his father putting the bit of ratan furniture back at the side of the fence so he could state over.

now, even after a long day & my child is in bed and I go out for a glass of wine & a vape (I’m trying to stop lol) he’s still on the fence saying “what you drinking? My mummy drinks that” “are you smoking that’s disgusting” even once when I was sunbathing with my headphones on I looked slightly through my eyes & could see him staring…. He was there literally 20 minutes before he left… just been started at!

now, my husband says I have to remember his age, my father said the same & he went be like this forever but I think some boundaries need put in place and I’m not the ones to place them. I think it should be his parents but sometimes when he’s on the fence I can see them just laying on the sofa while I’m playing Barney the purple dinosaur.

i can’t make the fence higher & or put trellis panels up without it being obvious & im not 100% sure how his parents would take it if i did say something. I did once say to him that im having some chill time & it was time for him to go back to his own garden but he didn’t move.

AIBU for wanting some privacy or should i just remember he’s a toddler & grin & bear it?

He’s one? He seems very forward and there’s no way my kids would have been on their own in a garden at that age.

1974devon · 14/02/2024 19:03

At least a child.. I have 2 neighbours in their 60s..on 2 different sides. One has a garden on a higher level so he can look over and will spark up convo when I go into the garden
Other side is a grumpy neighbour and we have a 5 foot fence in between so he stands out in garden and can see into ours or straight into kitchen...which he does a lot.
It puts me off going into garden and am.having to put blind down in kitchen for privacy!

Mischance · 14/02/2024 19:06

We live in the country and there was a child who used to go into the field behind our house and hide behind the hedge and repeat everything we said when we were in the garden. One day I had had enough of it so got up and went indoors (signalling to the others to keep talking), filled a bucket with water, tiptoed to the back fence and chucked it over - he never did it again!

Buffs · 14/02/2024 19:11

By all means put up a fence or tell the child you want some peace and quiet but I would have thought this might be a good opportunity to have your 2 year old entertained. Can’t you get your 2 year old in the garden chatting to the 5 year old neighbour?

TequilaNights · 14/02/2024 19:15

Search privacy shade on amazon, Id get a length of that and set it between 2 posts so you can put it out when your in the garden for privacy