AIBU with this? - Child looking over the fence!

[Dmanny30]

AIBU with this - everyone says I am, including my husband!

I have a 2 year old son, soon to be three & next door we have a year old boy living with his parents, now I must stress he’s such a lovely little boy & we have an alright relationship with his parents. But our fence is about 5 foot high.. & over the last few summers the little lad has pulled up a piece of garden furniture & literally stares into our garden. And I mean literally for hours on end whenever we’re in the garden, he’s always asking questions like “will you pass me that ball” “can your son play with that & that” I’m started to feel like free childcare cos his parents never ever come outside to play with him.

one instance during a particular hot few days I went into the garden early one morning at around 8ish to play while it was still cool but the bit of furniture had been moved so when he came out I could just see a little bit of his head & hands on the fence, I went inside for a sec & I came out to his father putting the bit of ratan furniture back at the side of the fence so he could state over.

now, even after a long day & my child is in bed and I go out for a glass of wine & a vape (I’m trying to stop lol) he’s still on the fence saying “what you drinking? My mummy drinks that” “are you smoking that’s disgusting” even once when I was sunbathing with my headphones on I looked slightly through my eyes & could see him staring…. He was there literally 20 minutes before he left… just been started at!

now, my husband says I have to remember his age, my father said the same & he went be like this forever but I think some boundaries need put in place and I’m not the ones to place them. I think it should be his parents but sometimes when he’s on the fence I can see them just laying on the sofa while I’m playing Barney the purple dinosaur.

i can’t make the fence higher & or put trellis panels up without it being obvious & im not 100% sure how his parents would take it if i did say something. I did once say to him that im having some chill time & it was time for him to go back to his own garden but he didn’t move.

AIBU for wanting some privacy or should i just remember he’s a toddler & grin & bear it?

I had this with a previous neighbours child.

The neighbours didn't see a problem with it.

Just say "get down please Bobby, I don't like you staring into my garden all the time" and repeat every time.
Most young children respond well to a clear instruction from an adult.

Just tell him, he doesn't realise he is being rude and intrusive, his parents are obviously too lazy/stupid to tell him, so you'll have to. ' Can you get down please Tommy, it' rude to stare into people's gardens, thank you, that's a good boy.' If he does it again 'remember what I said about staring into my garden Tommy ? Can you get down now please' and so on until he gets the message.

Why are you worried about a taller fence being obvious? It's very, very normal to want privacy in your own garden and to do what you need to do to get it.

Tell the child to stop staring. Is he really there for hours? He sounds lonely.

It doesn’t matter if it’s obvious. Just put a trellis up. It’s a quick job and then the problem is sorted. It really doesn’t matter if it’s obvious.

I had this, same aged boy. Told him twice end of. No cost or effort involved no trouble with next door

Well he will grow out of it then your child will probably start doing it!
Would get on my nerves though.

Increase the fence height
We are allowed 6ft high fences for privacy
Why would you be bothered what your neighbours think, they aren’t bothered by your privacy

It doesn't matter if it's obvious, put the fence up, his behaviour is really annoying.
And as others have said, tell him off (gently) if he is being rude and ignore him otherwise. If the interactions become boring or confrontational he is likely to stop.

I agree with the posters saying you need to be more direct with the boy. "Please stop looking over the fence sweetheart, I would like some privacy. I'll have to speak to your parents if you keep looking over"

And then follow through.

I'd be prepared to follow this step once more, and if it happened again I'd be putting the tall fence up.

I can empathise with you OP, we had the exact same thing a few years ago in a terraced holiday cottage. Child next door (who was not on holiday- it was their permanent home) was around 6 and would stand on a piece of furniture their side and stare over the fence asking us a million and one questions every time we were out enjoying the garden. He even tried to get us to let him come over into our garden but we fibbed and said the adjoining gate was locked our side and we didn’t have a key. I know it sounds slightly mean spirited but it was very annoying as we were having a lovely time as a family, and frankly I didn’t see why we should childmind a stranger’s kid on our family holiday! Fortunately we were only there a week, and because we were on holiday we were out and about quite a bit so it was manageable. I never could understand though why the parents let him do it so much (presumably he did it with all the holiday makers that stayed there!).
Anyway, as others have said already, if it were my permanent home I’d put up some bamboo fence/trellis (& grow climbing plants up for extra privacy!). I wouldn’t worry about what the neighbours think- they’re obviously not that bothered about the effect their child’s behaviour is having on you.
Good luck OP!

I’ve had this before, make the fence taller, if they ask tell them why as you want privacy in your own garden.

Until you get the fence sorted tell him not to look over the fence and then tell the parents everytime it continues, they don’t care currently as it’s not a problem for them, more will probably be done to stop him if it becomes a them problem with you knocking on the door and (politely but firmly) asking them to stop him.

Just tell him firmly to stop doing it. If he carries on I’d squirt him with a water pistol. Would that be really awful?

Make up a really scary story of what happened to the previous little boy who spent all his time staring over the fence. Grimms fairy tales can give you some inspiration 😂

Invest in a powerful water gun. Every time his head pokes above the fence…..pew pew! Only half joking.

That made me laugh!

This is a tough one because it’s horrible to feel that you’re ignoring a child, but it would drive most of us mad. I think I’d do a blend of chatting sometimes and putting headphones on and turning the chair round at others.

A six year old will seem very mature compared to your two year old but they really aren’t. Just speak to him. ‘Nice chatting but off you go now. See you tomorrow.’

His parents need telling to make it stop. I'd never allow my children to intrude on others like that!

Ugh I feel your pain. When we moved here, the boy next door was about the same age and used to stand on his trampoline talking over the fence.
it was annoying especially when we had guests and I wanted to talk to them not the big next door.
We ended up going in whenever he started and tried to avoid being out when he was out.
He’s about 16 now and haven’t seen him for years 😂

We have this. I want to move ( not just this reason). Been going on for ages. The boy is about 7 or 8 now and stares and throws stuff at our lovely, placid dog . He stares and asks questions of our grumpy teen (17) when she sunbathes in the summer . He asks me and my husband a zillion questions . I suspect he has some learning difficulties but it is annoying. His parents are sitting in their garden at the same time, having a drink and chilling while he bugs us . I have told him to go away and play and that I'm busy and can'y speak to him. I am not an ogre but work with children all day - need a bloody break. I feel your pain, Op. Hate oir garden now.Some people are so selfish.

Some of these sound so mean! It sounds like he's a curious and lonely little boy. Please don't treat him any differently to how you would your own child in a few years' time.

Well, I don't know any parents - literally none - who would let their child stare over the fence into the neighbours' gardens like that, so I think for most people treating him like their own child would entail them saying fairly sharply, 'Get down from there now! It's really rude to stare into people's gardens like that - it's their private space.' Most parents would be mortified if their child was doing that.

Curious is fine. Just because he's a child, that doesn't mean it's not an invasion of privacy to have him constantly and deliberately staring into your garden.

Nobody is blaming the child, as he doesn't know any better, but unless his parents are prepared to teach him not to be rude/nosy, or the OP is prepared to tell him very firmly that he mustn't do this any more, clearly a fence/trellis/screening is a suitable solution.

Op says..' a year old '
He speaks very well for a year old.

@KreedKafer you're absolutely right - I've been thinking about this on the school run today, and that thought was exactly the one that I was mulling over. I'd never in a million years let my children stare/chat over the fence for prolonged periods of time.

The issue is with the parents - in the same situation I'd ask them to move the furniture away from the fence and mention that the prolonged interaction is too much. I was just concerned about the "ignore him completely" as it seems like that's what his parents are already doing and just seems sad

You said a year old in your first post

You won't put up fence panells because it would look odd..?
Well you'll just to put up with it then won't you