Would you punish this?

[JMSA]

Last night, I bought my 14 year old daughter a tub of luxury ice-cream. She had just eaten dinner when she started on the ice-cream, and had had a KFC with friends earlier in the day.
I asked her to keep half of the tub for the following day. She didn't, and ate it all in one sitting.
When I pulled her up this morning, for disregarding what I had said, I told her that I would no longer be buying her tubs of ice-cream.
Her reply was "fine, I'll buy it myself, or ask dad to buy it for me". Her dad and I are divorced and have obviously lived separately for years.

It's not the first time she has brought him into these sorts of arguments. I've had a gentle word with her afterwards, about how I find this hurtful and disrespectful, and that I'm only doing what I feel is best for her.
AIBU?

Let dad buy it for his house

Who does the dentist trips?

She’s a 14 year old. To say her attitude stinks is pushing it a bit. If you make a big deal out of something she is going to react. I would have said something along the lines of ‘shame you ate it all today as you’ll have nothing tomorrow’ and let her ponder on that. Punishing is such a strong word for dealing with a bit of teenage rebellion.

She's a 14 year old. I'm not really sure what else you would expect a kid that age to do.

If you don't want her eating junk, don't buy her junk in the first place.

There is nothing to punish? You bought a 14yr old ice cream and then they ate it all in one sitting. As it was ice cream you bought for them and not to share, it’s up to them how/when they eat it so long as they aren’t skipping balanced meals and just living on ice cream.

The real issue is what you say is her attitude. Her making her own decisions about her food and pushing back when you try and assert control over her eating. If she had a ED, I would support you, but she doesn’t. She is eating like a normal teenager. She is also asserting her growing need for autonomy as a teenager, which is a good thing for her and you. These next four years as a mum are about letting go of your baby girl. These are the years that parenting shifts from authoritarian to advisory. Food is a good thing to let go at age 14. It’s hard, you are breaking a mothering habit set up for a much younger child, but you can do it. Teenage years are difficult for parents and kids to navigate because of this shift in the relationship to prepare you both for the future adult child and adult parent relationship.

I'm pretty surprised at the responses to this thread.

OPs daughter has no self control/self regulation when it comes to unhealthy treat food.

That's a recipe for disaster!

At best she will develop an unhealthy attitude to food and become mildly overweight... at worst she could end up with disordered eating (and yes, gluttony and overeating is just as disordered as undereating and severely restricting your diet). She could end up severely overweight and with all the other health issues that come with that.

As parents it's our job to help our children navigate these things and learn about a healthy level of self control.

No, we shouldn't be micro managing every single thing they eat nor telling them they can't have unhealthy treats but we also can't just let them have free reign to eat whatever they fancy!

A healthy attitude to food is understanding balance. It's understanding what is healthy vs unhealthy and the importance of consuming the unhealthy stuff in moderation.

How on earth can they ever learn that if we just say "crack on with that multi serve tub of ice cream" ?

Did you want to share some of the ice cream with her OP? Or was the tub just for her?

If it was a treat to share between both of you then YANBU.

If the ice cream was hers only then YABU. You can’t say to a hormonal teenager “don’t eat all that at once” and expect them to do it. I’m 30 and I can smash a full tub of Ben and Jerries in one sitting!

From my own personal experience with my divorced parents, I don’t think you can force a teenager to respect you just because you are their parent, you can only model good behaviour and help them feel secure, even though I know it must be pretty shitty at times.

Because why the need to mention it? MN has such a cringe obsession with letting everyone know they haven’t bought anything basic. YABU all around.

I would not punish . I would see it as a pick your battles thing. I would not have mentioned it. But i would not buy it for a while. But I would not mention that either. It just would not be bought for a bit.

I'd say this is a perfectly normal response. Next time tell her to put half into a bowl. Tell her Dad not to buy her the ice cream and if she chooses to spend her own money on it - that's a consequence. Honestly I think pick your battles.

Because the price of the ice cream partially explains OP's reluctance to her DD finishing it up in one sitting.
She wasn't bragging she could afford a posh tub of ice cream lol

Turning food into a battleground is more likely to lead to a child bingeing IMO. Being judged and punished about the amount you eating doesn't teach healthy eating, it just links food with judgement/shame/negative emotions, which is a recipe for disaster.

Eating too much occasionally and feeling sick is part of the learning process - we learn what feels good/healthy and what doesn't. In a few year's time the OP won't be able to enforce healthy portions, so the DD needs to learn for herself in a judgement free environment.

It's a tub of ice cream op. You need to pick your battles

I wouldn't have had the self control to stop eating something sugary at that age. So no, I wouldn't punish it or try to see it as gluttony.

Also, it was her ice cream to eat.

That’s a lot of ice cream in one sitting to be fair. For anyone!

You are being massively unreasonable! If anyone bought me a treat and tried to tell me when I could eat it I'd be pissed off. Either buy your daughter treats and let her decide, or don't buy her treats. You've essentially done something nice for her and then cancelled it out.

I wouldn't bother punishing because I am of the "when it's gone it's gone" persuasion.

There just wouldn't be any more from me until next week/month or whenever I next deemed it appropriate to buy more. Why make any more fuss than that?

You picked the battle, she responded.

I think at 14 years old, you need to start to let her make her own decisions.

Whether she makes her ice-cream last two hours, two days or two weeks should be up to her. I don't really feel as though it's fair to buy her a treat and then dictate when she's allowed to actually have it. She's not a toddler who needs her treats to be rationed.

Also, I don't know any teenager who hasn't eaten loads of junk food and felt horrendous afterwards. It's part of learning your limits, surely?

@TinkerTiger

You sound delightful
It's relevant because the ice-cream is much richer than, say, a tub of plain vanilla.
It wasn't some kind of weird boast.

By all means punish her if you're not that worried about your relationship with her, or her relationship with food 🤷‍♀️.

I can't understand why it's an issue. It was hers. Let her get on with it. Controlling food is never a good idea.

No, I wouldn't punish it. I probably would have just said "That ice cream was meant for two days" and left it at that.
Arguing over food consumption (especially food that you've given and expect them to ration appropriately) is a sure fire way to make over or under eating an issue.

Nonsense, OP talks about health, teeth and her own disordered eating. She’d have an issue with it regardless of the price.

I wasn't suggesting the OP judge her daughter or make her feel guilty.

My point was to the posters saying OP shouldn't be telling her daughter how much of it she can eat BEFORE she eats it - of course she can as part of a conversation about why it's not healthy to eat it all in one go.

After the fact it's done, the punishment is in the fact it's gone and she probably did feel sick afterwards. It doesn't warrant further punishment or reprimand but I wouldn't be buying more until the next time I went shopping.

I wouldn't buy it again for the attitude

the eating it, how big was it. We tend to have a bowl at a time.