Would you punish this?

[JMSA]

Last night, I bought my 14 year old daughter a tub of luxury ice-cream. She had just eaten dinner when she started on the ice-cream, and had had a KFC with friends earlier in the day.
I asked her to keep half of the tub for the following day. She didn't, and ate it all in one sitting.
When I pulled her up this morning, for disregarding what I had said, I told her that I would no longer be buying her tubs of ice-cream.
Her reply was "fine, I'll buy it myself, or ask dad to buy it for me". Her dad and I are divorced and have obviously lived separately for years.

It's not the first time she has brought him into these sorts of arguments. I've had a gentle word with her afterwards, about how I find this hurtful and disrespectful, and that I'm only doing what I feel is best for her.
AIBU?

Both!

She would live on junk food if she could, brushes her teeth inconsistently, it was late at night, I didn't want her to feel sick, etc.

It’s just ice cream. Pick your battles and this isn’t one of them. If the tub was all for her whether she eats it in one sitting, two, or four really makes no difference. I buy ice cream for my DS. I only buy one tub per week max. Its up to him how much he eats in one sitting. If you have to say anything a suggestion about spreading it out rather than an instruction would be more appropriate in my opinion.

As for the attitude, she is a teenage girl. Isn’t that how they are? She was reacting to you being unreasonable. Also the bit about getting the other parent to buy it is par for the course when parents divorce. DS doesn’t do that but friend’s kids have.

Not a hill to die on imo.

So she ate it all at once? So what? Just means she has none left for today. Her loss.

Does ex pay decent cms?

At 14, if you get given food for yourself as a treat and you choose to eat it in one go, I don’t think it matters in the slightest. It’s not like you have to replace it the next day. Up to her whether she wants to trough it in one go or make it last. She’s not five. If I gave a 14-year-old an Easter egg or a box of chocolates I wouldn’t tell them how much if it they were allowed to eat and when.

“You ate more of your Ben & Jerry’s than I would have liked so I am never buying you Ben & Jerry’s as a treat again” just seems really OTT to me.

As for her saying “I’ll buy it myself or I’ll get dad to buy it” that’s a very standard teen retort (and also perfectly reasonable, to be honest; if you’ve told her you’re not buying her something harmless that she likes ever again, why wouldn’t she buy it with her own money or ask someone to get it for her? Fine for you to not buy her ice cream any more but you can’t expect her, or other people, to impose the same ban).

Don't buy another tub for today, only buy when you would have bought anyway. As said above when it's gone it's gone, until the next time it's routinely bought. If it was a treat let it be a treat to eat how she wants. Playing Dad and Mum off against each other happens when the parents live together too. 'Dad said I could' to Mum and 'Mum said I could to Dad', testing boundaries and using their new found power (and sneakiness) as young adults.

it was late at night, I didn't want her to feel sick

Stop treating a 14-year-old like a toddler. This kind of over-anxious fussing would drive me absolutely nuts. At 14, she doesn’t need mummy fretting about her potentially feeling a bit sick after eating some ice cream. She can deal with it herself.

The teeth brushing is irrelevant. A whole tub of ice cream isn’t worse for her teeth than half a tub.

Not a hill to die on here either but now you have said it, stick with it.
Her Dad gets her ice cream, you don't.
My own DD had this with a tantrum when 12 regarding strawberries.
Her Dad said he wouldn't buy them again and never has (she was dicking about).
I always bought them for her.
She is of course now a young adult and buys her own.
In truth, we both quite admire him for sticking to his guns for 10 years.
All teens demand the last word.

But sometimes she needs to make the mistakes to learn from them. She makes herself feel sick is a way she learns that next time maybe don’t eat it all.

if you try to micromanage then she won’t learn these things she will just fight back.

OP told her to eat half.

It's a bit odd to ask her to save half the ice cream for the next day. What does it matter if she eats it all in one go?
I'd just ignore and move on.

Ideally she would have split the ice cream over a number of sittings, and it's reasonable for you to ask her to do this - we need to teach our kids how to eat sensibly after all, not just expect them to do it automatically.

The fact that she actually finished it wasn't the worst thing in the world tho. I would just not buy any more until you were going to anyway (IYSWIM) so if she has to go a few days without any ice-cream so be it.

What I DO think is bad is the "I will ask dad to do it" thing, and you are absolutely right to point out to her that that is rude and upsetting. It certainly isn't "standard divorced kid behaviour" as some have said. My daughter has separated parents and wouldn't dream of saying this to either of us, as she knows it would be unkind and manipulative.

You do need to pull your daughter up on speaking to you like this - you don't want her to grow up to think it's fine to disregard others' feelings. I wouldn't "punish" it as such - but I would use your words to let her see how hurtful and manipulative it is to say stuff like this.

I don't think I would have called her out about the ice cream, unless you meant the other half was for you. But surely, if she finishes her ice cream early, the natural consequence is that she doesn't get any for the next day and until she can afford a new tub? If she gets a stomachache she will learn not to eat as much.
She is fourteen, at that age, my parents gave me money to buy lunch near school and snacks and never knew what I ate.

You shouldn't be putting conditions on food that you've bought just for her. As said, when it's gone, it's gone. You set a weekly amount that you are willing to spend, other than that she's becoming a young woman and should be self regulating.

I agree with this. The ice-cream was literally bought for her, so she wasn't depriving anyone except her future self.

The fact is that in a very short amount of time she is going to need to be self-regulating when it comes to food. You've had many years where you've been able tell her how much she can eat in a sitting, but those days are pretty much gone now. She may be a child but you can't really control what a 14yo eats, just model healthy eating and natural consequences (once it's gone, it's gone).

Her attitude was in response to you having a go at her about how/when she chose to eat ice-cream that was literally bought just for her to eat. Either buy it for her or don't.

I'd forgive someone for 'accidentally' eating the whole tub of posh ice-cream. I used to do that a lot as a teenager. (Erm and an adult) I knew there was usually only one tub a week or less when I was a kid, and if I ate it then it's gone. Same as any food items.
Don't replace it, but don't fully stop buying it for her. She will learn more self control in time. Are you worried about her weight?
The thing about her using her Dad in arguments, I'm pretty sure that's normal for kids, whether the parents are together or not. You can tell her with a wry laugh that this tactic wont work. So Nice try, kiddo!

As a parent to a 14 year old you are quite within your rights to say please only have half the tub this evening! I don't think that's something abnormal to ask of a child, maybe it's just a MN thing where you just completely leave them to their own devices no matter how much, how unhealthy, how much it costs etc.

Let her eat and feel sick and realise that next time she'd rather enjoy it in two sittings then.

Sometimes it is nice to eat as much as you want of something. My parents always used to go for the tiny amount lots of times. A Vienetta could last 15 servings (3 x all in the family) for example.
By letting her eat the whole lot, you're letting her find where her full point is and when to stop. Her learning that herself is far more effective at stopping her over eating.
Next time say to her that she can either eat it in one go, or save some for tomorrow, but you won't be buying more tomorrow if she eats it all today. I've always done that for mine, and two of them would save a portion for later, one wouldn't.

The op knew her daughter had a kfc and a full dinner.

The op gave her daughter a tub of ice cream instead of a portion.

The op then got disgusted that her daughter had eaten so much when she could have not offered ice cream at all or portioned it. Teenagers aren’t exactly known for the ability to self limit. Hell most adults would have some trouble stopping if given a big old tub of Cookie Dough Ben and Jerrys from my experience (or whatever flavour the daughter was given).

This reads as a classic set up for failure. It could have been easily resolved with ‘well that’s ice cream done until the next big shop’, but now it’s just a battle ground where both sides are punishing through empty words.

Thanks again everyone. Some of the replies seem a bit harsh, but I'm still grateful! Thing is, when you're parenting on your own, you can lack perspective at times. And doubt your own judgement.
It IS hard!

@SpeedyDrama

I NEVER said I was disgusted. That's a strong word to use.
Her attitude annoyed me more than the ice-cream.

Not sure that normalising eating an entire tub of ice cream is any more helpful than 'weaponising food'. No one should be shamed for it, but she also needs to learn that eating that amount in one sitting is not healthy. There is a balance somewhere in the middle.

It is a law of natural consequences though. She ate it all at once. There won't be any more when she decides she wants some later. No other punishment needed.

I think you're in a tough stage of navigating stepping back op and letting her learn these things for herself.

The comment about well "I'll get dad to buy it then". I suspect she feels controlled she feels it's unfair she doesn't feel respected or listened to. She's becoming an adult with 4 years to "practise" (we all know its more than that in real terms) I imagine you feel similarly. A perfect opportunity to share together those feelings.

I think you need to start stepping back from control/micromanaging and step into supporting her. Developing that bond. So if she does eat 5 tubs of ice cream and feels sick she can come to you for a hug not feel you will be there with a "I told you so "

What you really want to avoid is hiding behaviours. If she feels you will listen to her not punish her she will hopefully learn to trust your guidance and support. Doesn't mean she will follow it but when it goes wrong she will come back to you for support.

Perhaps start giving her more freedom and responsibility maybe she takes charge of her portion of food shopping every week and budgets for it.

Her relationship with her body food and hygiene will change over time I'd be keeping an eye on how she is feeling. Really trying to keep those lines of communication open. By showing her you're reflecting over your behaviour and apologising, models to her she can be vulnerable with you because you're willing to be vulnerable with her.

Kids often use the other parent tactic ...along would the your ruining my life and everyone else does....don't bite just say go on then or okay....she doesn't mean it but if you react she will use it more.

I wouldn’t have entered into the fight in the first place. I would have just eye rolled if one of mine had of eaten the whole tub at 14yo. If they feel sick or whatnot, that’s on them and how they’ll learn, otherwise they just don’t have any left for the next night. No biggie. No need to have even started it so it shouldn’t have existed in the first place in order to escalate.

The ice cream limitation is odd- if I buy my teens b&j they know once it's gone, its gone, they are old enough to know their limits.

The attitude would really annoy me but I suppose I wouldn't have made an issue out of the ice cream therefore it wouldn't of happened... unless she's just generally rude - in that case, I would be raining in treats until she was more respectful.