Would you punish this?

[JMSA]

Last night, I bought my 14 year old daughter a tub of luxury ice-cream. She had just eaten dinner when she started on the ice-cream, and had had a KFC with friends earlier in the day.
I asked her to keep half of the tub for the following day. She didn't, and ate it all in one sitting.
When I pulled her up this morning, for disregarding what I had said, I told her that I would no longer be buying her tubs of ice-cream.
Her reply was "fine, I'll buy it myself, or ask dad to buy it for me". Her dad and I are divorced and have obviously lived separately for years.

It's not the first time she has brought him into these sorts of arguments. I've had a gentle word with her afterwards, about how I find this hurtful and disrespectful, and that I'm only doing what I feel is best for her.
AIBU?

Yep, this was my view.

I don’t think you should buy something just for her and dictate how she eats it - wouldn’t the attitude be “when it’s gone it’s gone”?

I agree with this. She can either eat it over several sittings or just one, and then live with the natural consequences of having eaten jt all.

I wouldn't stop buying ice cream as a treat either. If it's a normal treat food for you to get her, it's not fair for you to withdraw it when she hasn't done anything wrong.

Really? Fair enough with eating it all at once, but her attitude stinks.

If your DD buys her own ice cream, or her DF buys it, she's still going to eat it all in one sitting, except then if you complain about her eating it all in one go, because its not healthy and you have a battle to get her to brush her teeth, she's simply going to respond with 'It's none of your business because dad/I bought it.'
So how does her buying it herself change anything regarding her attitude?
Surely she's more likely to put her DF on a pedestal when he buys it and doesn't ask her to make it last 2 days?

I'm a bit shocked in how the responses have gone. I've never been harsh on my kids, they have just been brought up understanding respect etc. We have a great life, we do all kinds as a family they love spending time with us, we all respect one another and neither of my kids would do the opposite of what they've been asked and then have a shitty attitude about it. So the responses here surprise me. I know its "only ice-cream", but it's not about the ice cream.

I think I would have just said, "OK, that's fine" and left it at that. It ends the argument and it means you save money.

I'd be more concerned with her teeth, actually, if she's not cleaning them properly. Does she see a dentist?

But you’re modelling poor attitudes and negative reactions. As others have said - ‘my dad will do it for me’ is pretty much the standard divorced kid response, and she was responding to you (albeit in an immature way) being unreasonable.

Yes, I would punish her I would not be buying any puddings or sweets for a while, maybe a couple of months

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all

Unless other half wasn’t going to be hers, the natural consequences are that she has no ice cream the next day and you don’t buy an alternative - you can tell her that it’s to cover her for dessert for 2 nights when you give it to her.

Instead of that, you set yourself up for an argument by telling her how to eat the food and then, the next morning, telling her you’re not going to buy ice cream tubs for her anymore because she didn’t do what you said. I’m not surprised she said she’d buy it herself or get her Dad to do it. When you have a family history of eating disorders do you really think it’s a good idea to shame her the next day about overeating? If you’re genuinely worried about her food intake then you can just not buy that kind of stuff without the need to announce it.

She's trying to play one parent off against the other, its also called 'triangulation'. Its a bad habit for her to get into.

Would you consider going to therapy together to address the issue?

it's about her attitude and the fact that she completely ignored something you asked her to do, with a shitty attitude

IMO if you approach the teen years like this you just set yourself up for a whole lot of battles and digging in heels and I don't actually think it's beneficial to win them - they need practice at negotiating calmly and fairly, which doesn't come overnight. Reacting to tone makes things a fight when it doesn't necessarily need to be one.

I choose to approach it more like I'm collaborating with an almost-adult. Yes, there are areas (safety related generally, or where they don't have enough life experience to see the longer term consequences of their actions) that I'd pull rank and say no, actually, I can't/won't let you do that, but most things are negotiable, and they need practice at making their own decisions and figuring out what they think/feel about them. Food definitely comes under this category for me. The boundary for me with food is about respecting resources for everyone in the family - but personal treat food I would not get involved with at this age except to have a limit on how much I would spend out of the household budget (they are free to spend their own money if they want more).

It seems perfectly straight forward to me. The Mum gave an instruction, the 14 year old disregarded the instruction, the Mum now issues a consequence.

the Op is being totally reasonable to expect her daughter to do what she is told, and to have a punishment if she doesn't.

You don't need to scream at a child of any age. Why did you wait till the next day to sort it, I probably would have just said look I asked you to only eat half and you didn't so you won't be getting it again for a few days. Funny enough we do it with our 13 yr old because ice-cream is so expensive for nice ones now isn't it

"She's my youngest and raising her entails a daily dose of forgiveness and calm."

Forgiveness for what, being a hormonal teen? You are being controlling and it's a different version of the result of your experience of ED. You shouldn't be putting conditions on food that you've bought just for her. As said, when it's gone, it's gone. You set a weekly amount that you are willing to spend, other than that she's becoming a young woman and should be self regulating. She should have the option of buying it for herself and should be able to say that what's she'll do.

How big was the ice cream tub? I know your DD's attitude was off, but when my eldest argues with me I try to think about how reasonable my request was when I consider her response.

If it was a 500ml tub, I think you were absolutely right to tell her not to eat it all in one go, and give her a consequence for doing just that. Those tubs are supposed to contain multiple portions, and she is still a child so as her parent you do get a say over how much she eats.

If it was a little tub, like you get at the theatre, then you were probably unreasonable to say she couldn't eat it all in one go. She responded in kind, and I would let it go as perhaps not my best decision trying to impose a limit.

'Luxury' ice cream 🙄

If it wasn't about food, fair enough. Very few adults haven't done the same and overindulged. The ice cream was hers. She'll have the hormonal eating thing happening as well. It's overcontrolling to dictate when food bought for her should be eaten.

Why the eye roll, or is that going to be your only contribution?

It was a large tub. A theatre sized portion would be entirely normal to eat in one sitting!

I'd just buy smaller tubs of ice-cream and less often.

The Dad thing, I think that's just normal when you're divorced.

Because it was late (we're on half-term) and I generally fall asleep before she does.

Yep, for the gluttony and rudeness. My mum used to only buy a certain amount of treats like crisps, biscuits etc and when they were gone they were gone. She wouldn’t buy anymore. I wouldn’t be buying ice cream anytime soon for her

What's the reason you didn't want her to eat the whole tub?

Are you more upset/concerned she didn't follow your request or that she ate it all ?