Offended MIL went for lunch with BILs GF

[DeCourtes]

Hey, so I’m probably being over sensitive but I’m quite upset. DH and I have 2 DC, 4 and 2. We’ve been together 10 years, married 6.
DH has a brother who is 11 years younger, he is definitely his parents favourite, he’s a competitive sportsman (earning money I mean, pro), he’s in the early stages and still quite young, obviously as a result his parents have put all their energy into him for many years.
MIL and I aren’t close, we live 10 minutes apart and see her maybe once every 3 weeks. She does have the kids more but doesn’t actually bother with DH or I. In the 10 years we’ve been together, we have never gone for lunch or dinner or a drink without DH. My own mum is currently living in New Zealand so I’d have loved more support from MIL, however it’s clear she’s not much of a fan of me.
BIL has a new girlfriend, she’s 20, been together since summer. Due to the nature of what he does he is hardly home though, so they haven’t actually spent loads of time together. Things seemed to get serious fast though. She is definitely more MILs type (very attractive and very well off) compared to me.
Today BIL was coming back to the uk for the first time since Christmas, obviously a big deal. MIL went down to London to see him off his flight. It’s 1.5 hours on the train and his flight wasn’t due in until 4. She went down first thing and had brunch with BILs girlfriend, has sent loads of pics of them together to the family group chat and added her to it??
Im really upset she’s putting more effort in with a GF of 7 months than a wife of 10 years.
DH just thinks it is what it is?!

AIBU to be offended and upset?

Have you ever invited MIL to brunch?

You can be offended and upset if you want to be, that's your prerogative. But ask yourself why you'd bother. Because MIL doesn't sound like she's much your cup of tea and vice versa, so what exactly are you losing? Comparison is the thief of joy, etc.

If you only see her once every 3 weeks but use her for childcare more regularly, I think she probably thinks you don't like her.

That's what I'd be thinking if I was her. I'm always popping into my in laws without DH.

I'd start making more of an effort with her and see what happens.

You never know, she may feel like she made a mistake with you and that she wants a closer relationship with any future DILs.

I would hazard a guess that BILs girlfriend probably made the effort to invite her. It might be that the girlfriend isn’t as secure in her relationship so wants to make an effort with MIL as a way to feel like part of the family. Obviously this is all just guesswork, but I’ve known people like that.

Would you like a closer relationship with MIL? If so, go for it. Use the new girlfriend as a chance to set something up with all of you. If you’re not bothered, let it be.

Back when I was younger I’d always say “we should get a coffee together”, she always said maybe and it never happened. DH told me she probably just didn’t see the need to have a relationship with me that wasn’t through him.
As for childcare, DH drops the kids off, MIL drops them back and can’t be in and out any quicker if she tries, it’s two days a week and I think if she got volley them in from the car she would. I’m usually just getting home as she arrives though but do always offer for her to come in for some tea but it’s always a no.

You see her once every 3 weeks, that's loads already, and you use her for child care more often than that... I would say she probably doesn't feel the need to go for lunch with you on top of that.
It makes sense that she would make an effort to go for lunch with her daughter in law while travelling all that way.

I think it sounds like you’re just different people/personalities.

It doesn't sound like you've made much effort yourself though. I don't think it warrants being jealous, you could offer to do the same

This

So MIL travelled to London to meet her son off a plane and while waiting for the plane to land had something to eat with her son's girlfriend....and you are upset? 😯

She's babysitting your children twice a week?? Sounds like she's doing an awful lot for your family.

You and she don't click. That's ok, it happens. It doesn't sound like you put in much effort to socialise with her either.

If she likes the new girlfriend of her golden child, why wouldn't she have brunch with her?

She looks after your children, I'm guessing weekly and for free....and you're whining she's not "bothered" about you. How do you show your gratitude for this massive favour saving you thousands of pounds she does?

And you're complaining she's not inviting you for lunch as well?? You should be inviting her. Regularly. And paying for the lot. What cheekyfuckery.

What an awful MIL sering you just every 3 weeks or so and providing 2 days childcare for you and dropping them back after. No wonder you are cross 🙄

Stop using her. Perhaps then she may want a relationship.

My guess is GF invited her and as MIL already has a DIL who doesn't bother with her she was delighted to accept.

She has your children 2 days a week and you're complaining about brunch with sunshine else? Maybe take a step back and think about just how much she does for you.

Fucketh me. Twice a week she has your kids.

Start showing some appreciation FFS. I can't believe you're on here whining about someone doing all this free childcare for you, but not taking you for coffees/lunches when you're doing sod all and it's you not her who should be arranging things between you.

Could it be she resents the childcare but doesn't have the balls to say so?

I can completely understand why you would feel hurt. It sounds like she is avoiding spending any time with you (from your posts) from which you really can only come to one conclusion - an unfair one if she has always turned down spending time with you.

As MIL was spending at least 3 hours travelling, it would make sense she would have something to eat and as GF was going to be there also, it would have been very odd if they had separate meals. The SM posts are likely what really grated.

Saying you should have coffee is not the same as planning it. It's a bit vague.

How about, I would love to catch up properly. Can you have lunch with me on X date? I'll book a table at Y place.

Put the ball firmly in her court to say she is busy. Then you have your answer.

Stop thinking about it

so you only see her every 3 weeks, well surely that’s good as she doesn’t sound very nice anyway

let dh have the relationship with her, just stop entertaining her, and stop going to events, is she says anything be honest and say that in the 10 years you have been together she has made it very very clear she doesn’t like you, so is there any point in coming to any event when she will ignore you

but worry not, when she’s old and needs help she wont see golden son or his gf for dust, it will all be down to your dh, because you won’t be bothering with her either

They were both going to meet him from the plane.

They'd be bloody odd if they went and had brunch in separate cafes.

Let it go, op. Your mother-in-law is not obligated to give you the type of relationship you want. People don't gel for all sorts of reasons, fair or not. That's life.

Woah there!

You have made a lot of assumptions here, without any evidence at all!!!

2 days a week childcare. Brings the children home too!!

She sounds great.

OP has a case of the green eyed monster. Nothing more, nothing less.

Your MIL delivers your children back to you as you get in from work and she has the wit to realise that this will be a busy time for you - tea, catch-up, bath, bed - so she says 'no' to your invitation to stay? I think she sounds like a great MIL.

It may grate on you that she has a more natural and easy relationship with your brother in law's girlfriend but that's nobody's fault and doesn't need censure. Build your own independent relationship with your MIL if you want to.

I think you see some sort of hierarchy with your stately position of 'wife' taking some sort of precedence; it certainly sounds that way. You can hold that view if you like but that doesn't mean that others will.

Do you actually like your Mil? You say you want ‘input’ from her, but it’s not clear that you actually like her. If she took up on your token offer of a cup of tea, when you’ve just come in the door from work, are you sure you’d actually be pleased, or would the inconvenience of her wanting tea when you’re trying to feed the children and supervise homework outweigh it? I mean, it’s not clear you really like her and would love to spend more time with her one on one, or whether this is just you feeling she ‘owes’ you more attention than her other son’s shiny new girlfriend?

Well considering I’d rather they were in nursery than with her but she insists on having them - this is unlikely.