Offended MIL went for lunch with BILs GF

[DeCourtes]

Hey, so I’m probably being over sensitive but I’m quite upset. DH and I have 2 DC, 4 and 2. We’ve been together 10 years, married 6.
DH has a brother who is 11 years younger, he is definitely his parents favourite, he’s a competitive sportsman (earning money I mean, pro), he’s in the early stages and still quite young, obviously as a result his parents have put all their energy into him for many years.
MIL and I aren’t close, we live 10 minutes apart and see her maybe once every 3 weeks. She does have the kids more but doesn’t actually bother with DH or I. In the 10 years we’ve been together, we have never gone for lunch or dinner or a drink without DH. My own mum is currently living in New Zealand so I’d have loved more support from MIL, however it’s clear she’s not much of a fan of me.
BIL has a new girlfriend, she’s 20, been together since summer. Due to the nature of what he does he is hardly home though, so they haven’t actually spent loads of time together. Things seemed to get serious fast though. She is definitely more MILs type (very attractive and very well off) compared to me.
Today BIL was coming back to the uk for the first time since Christmas, obviously a big deal. MIL went down to London to see him off his flight. It’s 1.5 hours on the train and his flight wasn’t due in until 4. She went down first thing and had brunch with BILs girlfriend, has sent loads of pics of them together to the family group chat and added her to it??
Im really upset she’s putting more effort in with a GF of 7 months than a wife of 10 years.
DH just thinks it is what it is?!

AIBU to be offended and upset?

You sound bitter and unpleasant tbh OP

You dislike her to the extent that you would rather your child went to nursery instead of spending time with their grandmother. No wonder she doesn't want to spend time with you!

Let people do what they want too.
Its none of your business either To be honest.

I honestly don’t know what’s up with this forum sometimes. Over reaching and snippy comments to any OP who dares frame their post in the wrong way.
OP I got a sense that you feel hurt, more than offended and that’s totally understandable. You mention she doesn’t really bother much with your DH either.

On this basis, I wouldn’t dwell on it too
much, maybe she likes the kudos of being a mum to an aspiring sports star and a young glamorous girlfriend fits in with that and gives photos she can show off to her friends. Or maybe you and her just don’t gel naturally.
if you’d like to spend more time with her, I’d be direct with a suggestion for lunch, coffee or whatever and if the reception is lukewarm you will know to invest your efforts elsewhere.

Your DH knows his mum well so if he isn’t suggesting anything you should do differently to endear yourself to her then that may tell you all you need to know.

I don’t understand. You don’t like MIL so why would you care that she’s gone out with BILS GF?

“Im really upset she’s putting more effort in with a GF of 7 months than a wife of 10 years.
DH just thinks it is what it is?!”

Effort works both ways so yes YABU. It doesn’t even read as though you’re bothered about the relationship with your MIL it comes across you’re more jealous the had brunch together

Stuff her, OP.

Keep a dignified silence.

If you have any input into her for her birthday, Mother’s Day etc, stop it all now and leave it all to DH.

Just take a big step back from her.

There's a lot that's weird about this.

Firstly that you're offended by not being invited to do something by somebody you don't like and don't want to spend time with.

Secondly that you've implemented this weird threshold of when a couple ought to deem their relationship serious or not.

Thirdly that you seem to expect 2 people who know each other and are in the same place for the same purpose to pretend that they're strangers and do the same thing individually.

And lastly that you seem to be affronted by this woman being added you a family chat.

I think you need to take a step back here and give your head a bit of a shake.

Your post reeks of poor me. You made it sound as though BIL is wealthy ,GF is beautiful and that’s why MIL is bedazzled by them . It’s not really the way it works . You don’t have anything in common with MIL, have never really been bothered before, don’t like her looking after GC . Hopefully your kids don’t pick up on that . You are now jealous. If you want to turn the tables make a conscientious effort , but not a fake one .

Did you even read OP’s posts? OP has made an effort with MIL but has been rebuffed.

Any ‘conscientious’ effort should be made by MIL.

I get why you’re upset OP, but have you thought it might be an age thing? A 20 year old will probably look up to her a bit and be a bit more of a people pleaser - honeymoon period of getting to know each other. Maybe they will get on really well and form a close bond, or maybe they won’t. It does sound though that that ship has sailed for you both, as neither of you sound like you’re interested in a closer relationship.

We 'should' have coffee isn't an invitation

I’m a bit confused. You see her every 3 weeks which seems like a lot and you’ve never tried arranging anything with her yourself other than a vague we should get coffee some time.

Maybe the GF knew she was coming and asked her to brunch? Maybe she liked GF showing an interest in her?

It’s hard to say if she just doesn’t like you if you haven’t made much effort yourself.

“how about going for a coffee sometime “ many years ago is hardly booking something in . Popping in for tea after looking after 2 kids all day is maybe not ideal for MIL either . And as far as MIL effort , well , she’s not the one on MN complaining .

Sounds as though she is doing quite a lot of negative things : taking your kids when you would prefer nursery school; never inviting you for a meal in 10 years and more. It sounds as though she has somehow written you off in the same way as the younger brother is out ofI ope you can turn the page. the limelight. Som comments say it's just jealousy - I would say more hurt. After so long, I would stop worrying about it and decide she is a pretty poor example of family unity. Seeing your family are elsewhere, it should have been obvious to her that she had a role to lay in your life. She hasn't bothered so don't let this become an issue with your hubby. There's nothing worse for a guy as being the umpire in a ping pong match between spouse and MIL !

Back when I was younger I’d always say “we should get a coffee together”, she always said maybe and it never happened.

Is that really what you'd call "inviting her to brunch" though ? It's a very half-heated invitation to be honest. Try saying something like "Hey MIL, would you like to have lunch one day next week ? I've heard that new cafe in town is great ! " and see how she reacts.

Blimey, you must be dizzy from all that spin.

F

Echoing this I’m afraid. If you don’t like her, and it doesn’t sound like you do, why on earth does it matter to you if she doesn’t want brunch with you?

Would you actually enjoy having brunch one on one with her? Because I can’t imagine you would.

Maybe she suggested they go for brunch as MIL was alone in London for a few hours. You say you said "we should" get a coffee, but you never actually followed it up with an invitation. Maybe text and say next time MIL is doing a drop off you have some cake and a cup of tea if she would like to come inside. A clear invitation, involving the children so its nice and easy. While eating ask her what he favourite cake is, then after that if you want to take it further you could message her the next month and say youve found a cafe that does a great favourite cake and would she like to meet there on X day.

Can't compute the bit about you'd rather they're in nursery but she insists. 🤷‍♀️

You can’t make her like you. You could insist on nursery as you’re uncomfortable sending your children to someone who has such antipathy towards their mother.

she doesn’t sound very nice anyway
Yes, awfulness here abounds! That for x2 kids x2 weekly would be at £120 a day for both be a massive help to me!!

The same way she insists on looking after your children, you should insist on spending time with her if that’s what you’d like.

However, I wonder what kind of energy and time you gave to her in the early stages of your relationship with your now-husband, and when your children were babies. If it was the typical MN “my MIL is now a stranger to us and is not allowed anywhere near my newborn but my mum and dad can practically live with us” but then years later “I’m upset that PILs treat us differently…and I’m also eyeing up inheritance from them”….then I’m not surprised.