Offended MIL went for lunch with BILs GF

[DeCourtes]

Hey, so I’m probably being over sensitive but I’m quite upset. DH and I have 2 DC, 4 and 2. We’ve been together 10 years, married 6.
DH has a brother who is 11 years younger, he is definitely his parents favourite, he’s a competitive sportsman (earning money I mean, pro), he’s in the early stages and still quite young, obviously as a result his parents have put all their energy into him for many years.
MIL and I aren’t close, we live 10 minutes apart and see her maybe once every 3 weeks. She does have the kids more but doesn’t actually bother with DH or I. In the 10 years we’ve been together, we have never gone for lunch or dinner or a drink without DH. My own mum is currently living in New Zealand so I’d have loved more support from MIL, however it’s clear she’s not much of a fan of me.
BIL has a new girlfriend, she’s 20, been together since summer. Due to the nature of what he does he is hardly home though, so they haven’t actually spent loads of time together. Things seemed to get serious fast though. She is definitely more MILs type (very attractive and very well off) compared to me.
Today BIL was coming back to the uk for the first time since Christmas, obviously a big deal. MIL went down to London to see him off his flight. It’s 1.5 hours on the train and his flight wasn’t due in until 4. She went down first thing and had brunch with BILs girlfriend, has sent loads of pics of them together to the family group chat and added her to it??
Im really upset she’s putting more effort in with a GF of 7 months than a wife of 10 years.
DH just thinks it is what it is?!

AIBU to be offended and upset?

MIL doesn’t just take the kids, OP’s husband also has a say in his children’s childcare and he’s happy for his mum to have them so OP said there was compromise there. MIL doesn’t just come and take the kids it’s agreed she can look after them. Your putting a lot of negativity on a grandma who see’s her grandkids kids twice a week to help the family, just because OP who is happy to see MIL every 3 weeks has said she’s upset she didn’t get invited out for brunch. The same OP who doesn’t make effort with MIL either (I don’t count “we should get coffee sometime” said once as much of an effort in 10 years)

Why not invite her to stay for dinner once a month on the days she drops dc off?

You suggested coffee but "nothing ever came of it" why? "Hey, are you at a loose end any of the next few Saturdays? We could take a walk to town and grab coffee if you like?"

Can you use this as a chance to say, "Hey MiL, I'd love us to do something together? Could I treat you to lunch when you're free?", just be honest you'd enjoy more of a relationship than her just having the kids. If she doesn't want that you know where you stand, no harm done is there? You get to know for definite that it's never going to be the relationship you'd have liked and you move on.

YABU. You very obviously don’t like your MIL and you clearly don’t enjoy each other’s company. That’s fine. Why would you want to have lunch with her?

It’s not really about how ‘serious’ BIL’s girlfriend is; presumably she and your MIL clicked as people, while you and MIL didn’t. And I’m guessing the girlfriend invited her to lunch.

Try not to get upset over this. I doubt your actually upset over this situation, but more because you feel left out. I completely understand this. My mil is the same although my BIL doesnt have a partner and im the only DIL. I always hoped for the close relationship but since having children it just hasnt worked out that way. You just have to let it go and choose your battles. Mine are great in the sense they have the kids ect. Which i fully appreciate, but they prefer everything seperate with the kids. Even DH feels left out at times. Theres always a faff if we try to do something all of us. But i chose to marry DH not his family so just rise above it all now.
Maybe try getting to no the new gf and build a relationship there instead of with the mil. Thats what i would do if BIL met someone

Your husband is right.

Just because you’ve been married to her son for 10 years doesn’t mean she has to Iike you enough to want to go out for brunch/lunch/dinner!!

I feel you, my MIL has never really liked me. I’ve never done anything but just think she looks down her nose at me. She goes above and beyond for SIL and BIL and their kids but not to the level she ever has with me and husband. It’s hard but after this amount of time I don’t expect anything to change.

Have you made much effort with MIL?

MILs are told to know their place, don't interfere and wait to be invited. You've never properly invited her out and whittled down the time she has with the grandchildren so it's no wonder you don't have much of a bond with her.

It sounds like you only want a relationship with her because she now has another potential DIL on the scene.

I expect she planned to go early in case or any delays or problems with train then girlfriend suggested they meet up as that is the polite thing to do.

She will make more effort for younger son because opportunities to see him are rarer.

She obviously loves grandchildren and puts in effort with them. Do you like her? Is she someone you want to be proper friends with? If so put in some effort to make it happen. Ie make a plan, offering a tea at drop off can be inconvenient for many reasons (although still nice).

All the people making excuses for MIL and blaming OP, have never experienced a damily exclusion, hence all the comments OP soynds jealous, etc.

There are women who want to spend time with their grandkids but do not like the mothers of those grandchildren.

OP said she made efforts with MiL and that MIL prefers to spend time children.
I understand OP how it feels. My own granmother wanted to raise me, wanted me to call her mummy but didnt like my mother.

You are not unreasonable to feel rejected by your MIL, especially now you can see that she is friendlier with BIL's new gf. It is a bit strange she can find some kind of common ground with a 20 year old, who just turned adult but not with you, who has also given her precious grandchildren.
Maybe she does value her golden child a lot more to make more efforts to anyone who comes in his life. Maybe she will be more affectionate to his kids and forget abour yours (as she did about her elder son )when they are in picture.

Maybe it's time for you to accept that she does not value you and like you said you prefer to send kids to nursery, do that.

Why would OP like her when MIL has rejected her offers to meet or spend any time together in last so many years? Would you?

True but OP can still feel bad about it.

Someone you're not close to had lunch with someone else

I sort of understand why you're hurt except for this: Back when I was younger I’d always say “we should get a coffee together”, she always said maybe and it never happened.

If someone says, "oh, we should do coffee sometime" I take that to mean, "I like you and I want to maintain friendly relationships with you but I don't really have the time or inclination to make a proper effort so I'm not actually ever going to have coffee with you, I'm just making it clear that in theory, I would have a coffee if that ever came up."

If someone wants to have a coffee with me they'd say, "we should have a coffee - I'm usually free on Wednesday and Thursday mornings - would that ever work for you?"

Maybe they just get on more. Sadly you can’t guarantee that you get on with every family member the same way.

So OP didnt make efforts, nor did mother in law. Are you suggesting a 20 year old is making a lot of efforts with the mother of his bf?

Reality is many people have different attitudes to / relationship with their children (and partners) if there is a huge gap between siblings. And usually the older siblings get the rawer deal as parents, and irrespective of the reasons, older children feel excluded or accept it as they are so used to it like Op's dh here. The first emotional bond people have with their parents and it hurts when for whatever reason there is a difference in how you are treated to your siblings. Op does not have her family here, so she wanted to be close to her MIL but MIL didnt show interest, maybe she was waiting for a gold plated invitation card for 8 course dinner as DIL asking her to stay for tea/ coffee was not proper enough. Now 10 years down the line, she is more open to the golden child and his potential partners, after all golden child must be more fun, have exciting stories, better places to invite.

Not sur how to quote...you said "She is definitely more MILs type ... compared to me"

is that not your answer?

There are some people in my office I get on really well with, we can chat need stuff (spotted a mug on one girls desk in my first week and we’ve been work besties ever since) others who have a silliare sense of humor,/love to gossip/music taste and some who are just daft together i'd happy hang out outside of work (friends in real life) ... there are others I worked closely for a long time, chat in the office would go to a work do with but there's no shared interest, so conversation revoles around work and 'polite chitchat' (how's there kids doing etc holidays planned)

What are you &mil both passionately about, what are your shared intrestes (outside of you being related/the children)? Do you both love yoga or the kardashians or excited to reade vouge or starwars, do you want to swap makeup tips?

So OP didnt make efforts, nor did mother in law. Are you suggesting a 20 year old is making a lot of efforts with the mother of his bf?

"We should meet for coffee" isn't an invite. As explained it can come across a bit as "I'm making a courtesy offer but have no plans to actually do this"

We don't know for sure but it seems reasonable to assume GF offered to go out as they were in the same place at the same time... making an effort

The girlfriend is 20. Your MIL is basically treating her like a niece, I doubt it's a relationship that's equal. And I expect the girlfriend is sucking up a bit too...and your MIL is flattered by it all.
I get why you're upset but really, leave them to it. It doesn't sound as though you are that compatible anyway. But I do understand why you are upset.

Mils cannot win ! Damned if they take too much interest in their adult children and families lives, damned if they don’t . No where is it written that grandparents are obliged to look after grandchildren , or to be be best buddies with their dil or sil. Honestly wait until your children are adults and you will maybe understand how bloody difficult it is to keep everyone happy as a mother, mother in law and grandmother.

@DeCourtes.. What she is illustrating, is that she can make an effort if she wants too and she can be nice and inclusive.

Your the mother of her gc and she's treating you with zero respect.

Because she can.
Because your dh is enabling this also.

I'd be very unhappy with my dc spending so much time with someone who seemed to hold me in such disdain

She sounds like a great MIL - not sure what your problem is.🙄

@TellySavalashairbrush.. Sure. What i can guarantee is, i wouldn't "expect" to look after my gc twice a week without their mothers consent. I wouldn't drop off the children and run away as fast as I could.
I would show the mother of my grandchildren respect at the very least.