To have another baby even if marriage is a little rocky?

[Farmulaic]

Looking for some advice. 36 and have one child, since her birth our marriage has been a little rough. Both working full time in stressful jobs and finding it challenging.
We have theoretically even contributions work and family-wise, though he overestimates his contribution to childcare and household.
After the birth of our daughter, I thought he wasn't supportive enough and could be self centred, he was upset that I would keep bugging him about that.
Fast forward 2 years, we want another child but I worry that our marriage isn't quite up for it yet and it could cause too much strain. On the other hand, will we ever be ready? And time isn't on our side given our ages (DH is 41)
I tried to find marriage counselling but wrote to four different therapists and none could offer times that work so I gave up.
What would you do?

AIBU: another baby is the worst thing you could do right now!
AINBU: oh go on, you're only fertile once...

YABU. Do not bring another child into this.

Why on earth would you bring a child into this relationship? How incredibly selfish that would be.

I think it depends how you feel about being a single parent to two? Either completely on your own or trying to co-parent.

Don't have another baby. You'll end up a single parent of two. Unless your fine with that eventuality. I promise a second child doesn't improve things.

Band aid babies don’t work and it’s not fair on the children
If you go ahead then assume that you’ll become a single parent.
Is it you and your h who thinks 41 is verging on too old? There’s usually more leeway with a man’s age if he’s willing

YABU. Another child is likely to cause you're already rocky marriage to collapse. You know he's not supportive enough with one, so why would you think a second will help? If you go ahead, you need to regard yourself as a single mother, probably heading to divorce.

Thank you for responses so far. It's him who worries that 41 is pushing it, and he wants to be active with his kids.
For clarity, the marriage counsellor was specifically to help us work through things before trying for another child.

Do you honestly think the stress and exhaustion of another pregnancy and baby would make things happier or worse?

Have you thought about how fair or not it is to your existing child and a hypothetical one when your marriage is already suffering?

YABU

It's just not fair on the child.

I’m really sorry you’re having a rocky time in your marriage. As PP have mentioned, please please don’t bring another baby into this situation. It’s not fair on you, your husband or your baby, and it wouldn’t be fair on the new baby.

Are you able to persist a bit more with contacting marriage counsellors? I think marriage counselling - and perhaps therapy for yourself, if you’re willing to consider it - would be very helpful.

Why would you do that to your existing child and a new baby?

Having a baby puts even the most solid relationship under stress, never mind one which is already rocky

Band Aid babies don't resolve problems in a relationship. If he doesn't step up with 1DC why do you think he'd do it for 2DC? Would you be prepared to be a single parent to 2DC?

@Acapulco12 yes that's a good point, I should persist. Had counselling myself for PND which helped but came to an end around the time I returned to work which made things better.

To those saying band aid baby, I absolutely take your point. My contemplation of another baby is not that it would "fix" our relationship.

Basically, I believe our relationship has strong foundations and we will eventually get back to really strong partnership, but I worry that biologically we may not have time to wait for that.

Maybe I'm being naive about that though.

Not fair to a child. YABU.

What benefit would a additional child bring to you and your family other than children are cute?

Parenting one child is easy, two not so much. What if they don't get on. What if one becomes ill or has additional needs. How are you going to manage running them around to different activities if you already find one child difficult.

Could you (or he) manage two children if you separated / had an accident / got ill etc.

People having more children than they can adequately manage is madness. If you find it hard with one don't add another in to the mix.

Having a toddler and both working long hours in stressful jobs will put a lot of strain on a relationship. What will change with a second baby? I'm pregnant now and it's exhausting. I am not losing my mind only because my DH is an absolute angel. I would crumble without him right now, he's doing absolutely everything at home and being extra supportive. I only say this as I cannot even contemplate getting pregnant in your situation.

Genuinely, how will you cope pregnant/with a newborn, with a toddler and still in a stressful job with not enough support from your DH? Why is he not even trying to go to counselling with you? You need to prioritise counselling unless you just want a sperm donor so you can have your 2 kids and raise them on your own.

YABU.

Having a second child is difficult for most happy marriages. Why put yours under so much change when the issues you are having are bad enough to need external help? Nothing you have said makes me think he's going to do better for you the second time around.

He can have children basically forever. My friends dad had a baby at 80. You're 36, i think its might be worth paying for a fertility mot at a clinic to check your egg reserves. I had my first via ivf at 40 and second without intervention at 42.

Does DH want a second? Is he also committed to finding marriage counselling? I wouldn’t plough on with a second in this scenario, it could become hell for all involved particularly if you both work full time in stressful jobs.

Actually YANBU if you want two and age isn’t on your side so go for it. Some couples find a balance of two kids actually helps as dad steps up and feels useful and finds his feet as a dad rather than feeling sidelined as a unit outside the mother and baby duo.

These are all good points. I think I have my answer though I am finding it hard to accept! I don't know why I am surprised by the unanimous response

The reason I want a second is not just because it would be cute, but because my child remains the best thing that has ever happened to me, even if it has been very hard on our relationship.

To be clear, my husband is not a total loser who does nothing. He splits nursery drop off/pick up/bedtimes/mornings with me evenly, he manages some of the clubs and takes our daughter to doctors appointments. Even though it's more than many men do, it was not truly 50/50 and that was a source of strife that is not entirely resolved.

To the questions on whether I could cope alone - financially, yes but otherwise it would be a huge struggle of course.

What issues are you currently having why your marriage doesn't feel strong enough?

If you’re not amicably and equally managing the care of one child plus the household chores then that won’t change with two unless you change your lifestyle. If you want two then one or both of you need to reduce hours or stress at work, perhaps taking a demotion for a few years or a sideways move to a less stressful area of your careers. You need to find a way to both accept that you cannot have it all. Some people can but you’re not managing it and maintaining a happy relationship so, you just can’t. Something needs to give. Figure out who can reduce hours or if you both can, remember you’ll have maternity leave so that gives a bit of leeway. But you need to make changes, real changes, so you have time to give your marriage attention, your children attention and keep your house in order. Or you can hire a nanny.

Yes he's very keen and thinks we're doing much better and it'll be okay. He's open to counselling and says he's all in, but isn't exactly seeking it out.

YABU: put your child first.