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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have another baby even if marriage is a little rocky?

107 replies

Farmulaic · 12/02/2024 13:21

Looking for some advice. 36 and have one child, since her birth our marriage has been a little rough. Both working full time in stressful jobs and finding it challenging.
We have theoretically even contributions work and family-wise, though he overestimates his contribution to childcare and household.
After the birth of our daughter, I thought he wasn't supportive enough and could be self centred, he was upset that I would keep bugging him about that.
Fast forward 2 years, we want another child but I worry that our marriage isn't quite up for it yet and it could cause too much strain. On the other hand, will we ever be ready? And time isn't on our side given our ages (DH is 41)
I tried to find marriage counselling but wrote to four different therapists and none could offer times that work so I gave up.
What would you do?

AIBU: another baby is the worst thing you could do right now!
AINBU: oh go on, you're only fertile once...

OP posts:
Totallyanonymousplease · 12/02/2024 17:02

Going against the grain - go for it! What you describe sounds like a very normal marriage with two working parents and young children. If you think you have strong foundations and will find your way back then aim to do to that.

as an aside - stop fixating on 50/50 and assume that you both do the best you can.

Pantheon · 12/02/2024 17:04

Two children are harder than one. Two children put more pressure on a relationship. I'd work on your marriage first.

Kerfuffleplunk · 12/02/2024 17:44

OP@Farmulaic have you asked him how he would feel about you getting PND again? i had it twice, second time not as bad as the first but we did had an action plan and my husband did advocate for me and support me well ...however first time round, this was the time in our lives that nearly broke the marriage up and my husband and baby were significantly affected . its really important to tackle the feelings you still are troubled by before you try again, imo.

fussychica · 12/02/2024 18:00

YABU and you know it.

MyTeethLookShit · 12/02/2024 19:18

Don't drop your hours pre mat leave, definitely definitely bad idea!

How much maternity leave would you take, could any of that be shared, how much paternity would he get. These could be ways to even things out a bit, especially if you earn a bit more anyway.

Could you both go to 4 days after 2 for a while. Even if this was achieved for the first year by using holiday. Again, not so much for the financial element but to ensure you have a clear day or so when you are the one in the office and you're not responsible for the wrap around.

It sounds like you could afford to up the outsourcing of other things, maybe do that for a little bit.

As PP have said, if you really thing about it, are there other things he does? DIY, bins, finances etc. Try to give the benefit of the doubt as far as possible if he's generally a pretty decent guy. Some of your update suggest he has had slight emotional bypass but guys have no real concept of the enormity of child birth and the early years for women.

Doula is a good idea if it will make you feel more supported. I threatened that but in the end went to ELCS after the first. DH still managed to piss me off though!

In summary, I'm still on team baby. I think it sounds like a pretty standard marriage containing at least one person with v high standards! ;)

Ladyj84 · 12/02/2024 19:28

Stupidly selfish bringing a small innocent child into a mess when you already have another in it

Original poster
Farmulaic · 12/02/2024 19:57

Ladyj84 · 12/02/2024 19:28

Stupidly selfish bringing a small innocent child into a mess when you already have another in it

I get if you think IABU but describing my child's current home life as a mess is going a bit far. She has two loving parents who dote on her, but whose relationship has struggled.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farmulaic · 12/02/2024 20:00

Thank you @Kerfuffleplunk that is good advice. It was a dark time and i think you're right I probably need to make sure I'm well and truly past it/prepared if I'm going to consider having another.

Thank you for the thoughtful advice @MyTeethLookShit ! I think we could outsource more and I could reduce hours though the nature of his job makes it harder for him.

He really is a very decent guy and I love him very much, which is why I'm torn about introducing another baby when things are returning to normal.

I think I'm leaning towards team baby too after pursuing a bit of therapy, improved outsourcing, and giving the guy a bit of a break from time to time...

Thank you all for your perspectives!

OP posts:
JMSA · 12/02/2024 20:07

You gave up on looking for a marriage guidance counsellor because none of their timings worked.
Really? Confused
I'd get straight back on that, as a matter of priority.
Good luck.

nodogz · 12/02/2024 20:16

Just have/try for the baby. If he can't step up to be fully equal then that's his problem. And he'll face the consequences.

I'm fed up of mediocre men. They aren't helpless, they don't need a list or instructions. They would never dare be this crap at work.

Its win:win for me.

He steps up and the marriage is saved - win

He lets you down, you chuck him out and coparent and get weekends off. You'd be free of resentment - win

IloveAslan · 12/02/2024 21:10

YABVVVVVU

Itsacruelsummer · 12/02/2024 21:37

I'd do it. Actually I kind of am doing it as child one put a big strain on things and we are much better now but now TTC. For me I knew if I didn't feel we could try for a second them the resentment would be worse for our marriage then the stress of another baby.

Marriage with small kids is hard and it sounds like you are both working on it. Maybe your relationship won't work out in the long run but that could be said for every relationship.

Do get a birth debrief or some kind of counselling though. A Doula could be a really good idea as well.

DGPP · 12/02/2024 21:43

I’d do it because I wouldn’t just want one child, the pull for a second would override everything for me.
I don’t know any marriage that is truly 50/50, even the good ones. Get counselling for sure but also acknowledge it might not resolve itself

Belovedbagle · 12/02/2024 22:45

I don't know what to say to you. I brought a second child into a marriage that was far worse than yours as I couldn't bear the thought of my dd having no one if I wasn't around. Selfish and ridiculous but my kids have the most incredible step dad who brought them up.

The only thing I will say as others have, is that any cracks or dissatisfaction will just intensify with another baby. It's a really hard one.. not much help sorry.

whiteboardking · 12/02/2024 22:53

41 is a normal dad age in my area. So remove that excuse. Kids changed who we are and relationships. It's tough

whiteboardking · 12/02/2024 22:58

@Farmulaic don't rule out PND.
No one I know had the birth they wanted but they moved on. I always wanted an active water birth x2
My DC had other ideas. We took medic advise

AnneElliott · 12/02/2024 23:10

I wouldn't do it. It's hard with 1 when you're doing more than 50% but so much harder with 2.

I have an only and partly it's because H was so crap. But like your H he thought because he did more than some men then it was fine. All the promises in the world now won't mean anything when he's swanning off for the weekend leaving you with 2 kids and no break.

Yazzado · 12/02/2024 23:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

WhoopsyDaisySugar · 12/02/2024 23:30

YABU

The risk is you become a single parent to two DC, if the pressure of another child is too much on your relationship.

50/50 is not possible. One or both of you may need to reduce your working hours until the children are a bit older. If possible, you also need to outsource whatever you’re struggling to manage.

Have you told your DH your concerns about him not stepping up enough as it is?
If so, what did he say in response?
He’s unlikely to change much. It’s weaponised incompetence. He’d eventually be given his notice, if he was to consistently under performing at work.

StephanieLampshade · 12/02/2024 23:34

I'd genuinely focus on a sense of self beyond procreation and if you want therapists appointments actually sort them like an adult

You need to deal with your issues I don't think you realise how deeply wrong your thinking is

Halfemptyhalfling · 12/02/2024 23:36

I would go for a second as you both seem up for it. It sounds like you are just having normal issues with a small child rather than make or break time. The early years will be gone before you know it- just keep that in mind and get a cleaner

saltinesandcoffeecups · 12/02/2024 23:40

No great helpful advice… but just wanted to pop in to say I respect that you are both thinking about this. Neither of you sound like you’re coming from a bad place and both of you sound like you love each other.

Good luck with whatever choice you make.

Xmasbaby11 · 12/02/2024 23:46

I’d go for it. It’s a gamble either way but since you both want a second, I would ttc and accept you may have some tricky years ahead.

things did go downhill for Dh and I after dc2 but I still have no regrets.

I do know others in a similar position and they went on to have dc2 despite admitting things were rocky. They split up later. I think for some women the drive to have children is stronger than the desire for a happy relationship.

Eggs2022 · 12/02/2024 23:54

Another one saying go for it… based on experience of being in a similar situation, it doesn’t sound like you’re heading for the divorce courts or anywhere near to splitting up so what’s the alternative? Stay together and not have another baby- divorce and find someone else to marry and have a baby with and hope he’s better than this one at being 50/50 - or have another baby and just accept that these years can be torturous in a lot of ways and when you look back in years to come you probably won’t even remember this period. I vaguely remember things being Rocky with my husband after our first child, but honestly now that the kids are that bit older the whole period just seems like a blur! If I had stopped at one based on that time or had a bigger gap I would definitely regret it. When you’re in the thick of it just keep going!

Themuffintop · 13/02/2024 00:00

Absolutely go for it.