To have another baby even if marriage is a little rocky?

[Farmulaic]

Looking for some advice. 36 and have one child, since her birth our marriage has been a little rough. Both working full time in stressful jobs and finding it challenging.
We have theoretically even contributions work and family-wise, though he overestimates his contribution to childcare and household.
After the birth of our daughter, I thought he wasn't supportive enough and could be self centred, he was upset that I would keep bugging him about that.
Fast forward 2 years, we want another child but I worry that our marriage isn't quite up for it yet and it could cause too much strain. On the other hand, will we ever be ready? And time isn't on our side given our ages (DH is 41)
I tried to find marriage counselling but wrote to four different therapists and none could offer times that work so I gave up.
What would you do?

AIBU: another baby is the worst thing you could do right now!
AINBU: oh go on, you're only fertile once...

Yes maybe the issue is more about expectations. We went into this so convinced we would be equal partners and the reality hit me harder than I'd like to admit.
I've often wondered whether i would be happier if I just accept some unfairness rather than stubbornly demand something that's "equal" when society makes that very hard.

I’d love to meet all these people on MN who have perfect H’s.
I’d say have another baby if you want one and your DH is basically a good person.
Having children often causes rocky patches in a marriage.
Can’t believe some of these responses.

Maybe he was just really worried about you so listening to medical advice out of worry and fear for you. He might be more confident to advocate for you this time. Talk to him he might know he could have done better last time. You'd need to get his commitment on this so you feel your voice is being heard. Second births are often much easier than first births though.

To break from the herd, I'd just crack on if I were you. It sounds like you have high standards for your relationship, you're self sufficient, and your husband actually does pull his weight to a large extent (no one's load is ever entirely even). Can you have some marriage counselling whilst also trying to conceive?

Maybe read Fair Game together and see if you can identify where the load is not so fair?

It sounds to me a bit like you need to let a bit of stuff slide for the bigger picture. I think you kind of know this, and you are perhaps being a bit of a relationship perfectionist / stubborn? Just a guess from your OP.

For all those who are saying parenting 2 is more difficult, actually it can be the reason the dad really does have to step up. It's very common for the toddler to become dad's responsibility. Then as they get older they all have someone to play with.

I have 3. My husband earns more, does lots in the house, but I do all the school runs etc as he doesn't have the flexibility. We both work full time. It's hard but worth it. We are just getting our love life back properly now 18 months after the youngest. We also like each other more at the moment more than at certain times over the past 5 years!

Wow so selfish!

Just seen your update, and it tallies with what I had kind of thought.

My DH was a god awful 'birth partner'. He's a good dad though!

From your comments regarding your partner it's likely you will end up as a single parent at some point. It is far easier to be a single parent of 1 child than 2

I say have another child if you want another child- you clearly aren’t thinking a baby will make things better. Marriages can really suffer with little ones but it you’re committed to making it work and want a sibling just do it, why bother making things better and then saying 5years down the line let’s go back to when things were hard. I’d rather my child have a sibling close in age tbh.

Your updates make me think go for it - have another baby.

All relationships are under pressure with young children and exhaustion. If you work together and accept it will be hard - then make time for each other and talk- you'll be fine.

This. So selfish.

You need to find a way to both accept that you cannot have it all. Some people can but you’re not managing it and maintaining a happy relationship so, you just can’t. Something needs to give.

I agree with this. If you cut back at work, he cut back on travel, and you still feel things are rocky then you'd have to commit to bigger changes or just not do it.

The key to a happy relationship is not to insist that each individual task is split 50/50. I work school hours so routine appointments and after school playdates are my responsibility. DH tends to sort out birthday and Christmas presents because he enjoys the research bit - he also does weekend rugby duty more than me. He does school dropoff, I do pickup. Based on all this, I do not have a go at him because I tend to be the one to remember to wash DS's uniform.

I'm going against the grain here. I think you've got issues that can be resolved or moved on from with some talking therapy etc. I had similar issues with my husband after the birth of our first. We got through it, had another child, birth was so much better. Now once the youngest is a bit older, we're through the hard part. Our marriage is so much stronger now, probably better than it's ever been.

I haven't read anything in your comments that cannot be resolved through talking. It would be helpful for him to join this group, to help him learn that the doctors aren't always right. I'd recommend having a doula or an additional birthing support with you, if he's a "do as doctor tells you", type.

VBAC Support Group UK | Facebook

Keep looking for a therapist. Try relate? They may do online too. I think you can really strengthen a relationship with that kind of input, as long as you both want to.

Yes I hear you on that. My DH was super idealistic about how equal it was going to be, but even before the kids arrived it was clear he had no clue how much work it was going to be. We actually went to counselling before trying for a baby because of that - I wanted to make sure he understood how much work it would be - but the counsellor interpreted my attempts to point out how our lives would change as an appeal to my DH for me to be "allowed" to work part time. That's part of the reason I don't rate the chances of counselling making much difference, but also, as you've noted it seems to have become your job to make that happen as well! Like the onus woikd be on you to prove how much work there is and then if he is convicted, he might change a few more nappies... no, better IMO to just deal with things as they are. And tell him that if he asks. Who knows maybe it will shame him into stepping up. With my DH it usually results in a couple of days of performative washing up and then he goes back to normal.

If you do decide to have another baby, do not expect your husband to change! If he didn’t support you first time around, he’s not going to second time around. And second time around you will need more support as two children to juggle. So if you did decide to have another one you would have to be at peace with knowing that most of it will all fall on your shoulders.

I mean I think it is a bad idea to have a second, but if you do go ahead anyway (and many do) then you just need to go into it with your eyes open.

Can one of you cut back work for a bit? Two intense full time jobs and 2 young babies/toddlers is going to be a nightmare without hands on grandparents and a nanny around. Unfair, but reality I think.

Yes I think the stubborn perfectionist is spot on!
To others noting we have to reduce work in order to cope, I think you're right. Though it adds a complication because I don't want to leave my well paid job for part time or more flexible work just before conceiving and lose the maternity benefits etc.
I early slightly more than DH so it could be a bit hit to our incomes.

Oh wow @Anycrispsleft that is good to know to manage expectations of counselling.

I had a sort of a similar experience when I had my own therapy for PND. I had really high expectations of the therapist and the first one spent a lot of the time giving me her personal experience and strong views on giving up breastfeeding and trying to sleep train (none of it was advice I asked for or wanted!)

I think I would go for it. My husband also wasn't as equal as I had thought beforehand. He thought it was unfair that I was frustrated, as he in his mind did so much. And he was indeed probably the best of the fathers we knew ! I just didn't realise how big the gap was or how much men seem to have a back up parent in a way women don't.

They're older now and it's much better, he does more with them - although I still don't think he realises how much organisation there is with them - he makes their breakfasts/morning stuff more often and I suspect thinks that means he actually does more than me now.

I definitely wanted 2 children though, I'm glad we cracked on and had another. The resentment over his input would have been there either way, but I don't think it would compare to the resentment of having not had another because he wouldn't do more. And that brutal slog of "who js doing more/more tired " does really seem in the past now (mne are 4 and 6)

It depends on a few things .

Do you have a very well paid secure job, so that you could support two children on your own if you split up? I mean all living costs and the childcare - don’t assume he will pay anything as a large proportion of fathers don’t. Remember to factor in how much he would get in the divorce.

Do you have excellent family support to help you raise your two kids alone, if you split up?

If your answer is yes to both of these then you might want to risk it. But remember that life as single mum is a lot easier with one child rather than two or more. Ask me how I know.

I think I have to echo more recent posters and say I think you do actually have quite a good parenting relationship- let's face it, how many people out there are actually 50:50? A lot of the times the extra strain comes from the mental load, but it sounds like your DH is doing bits and pieces albeit not an equal split? If he falls down a bit in the parenting area, does he pick up the slack in others (such as finances, DIY etc?)

You need to sit down and be realistic with the facts and assume that your DH will not magically get better/step up because you have a second. Is that acceptable for you? Can you reach to others for support in the areas he may lack?

I love my DH and we have one DD. We are in a good place now, but I don't want another child with him. I know him inside and out and can predict he would be so stressed out from having to take care of two children- god knows what would happen if he was in charge of both and they ran in opposite directions! He is great at other areas (cleaning, DIY etc) but for me, I can't take on the majority of the parenting load. So for that reason, I won't have another.

Unless I’ve missed something, I don’t really think there are any glaringly obvious problems in your marriage. Get a doula, maybe think about a different birth plan, or birth partner. But yeah, time is running out biologically, so better get to it!

I’ve read all OP’s replies and skimmed the others.

I think you need to consider any strains that TTC would add to this. I’ve no idea how easy it was to conceive with your first, and no crystal ball to say how easy it would be with a second, but if you encountered any issues, they can really show up existing fractures in a relationship, as well as creating new ones, and that’s before a baby has even been conceived, never mind arrived.

As others have pointed out, it reads as if all the thinking/prep/consideration here is being done by you. If he was really serious about this, and if he’d really taken onboard the root cause of the previous difficulties, he’d be the one to do something about it (e.g. sorting out counselling) rather than offering platitudes, and you wouldn’t be writing this thread.

In your shoes, I wouldn’t be having another.

Yep. Definitely bring another baby into a rocky marriage. It will really help the marriage and the children won't be affected at all 😏😏

@TUCKINGFYP0 on those two things the answer is Yes and No.

I have a good job, it's secure. If needed, I could cover our expenses including childcare alone (though may need to move to a smaller place).

I do not have any family around, nor does he. We are immigrants. Parenting two alone would be hard and I'd have to just spend most of what I earn on amazing childcare. It would be doable though.

Ultimately, I don't want the relationship to end though, I wouldn't want to ruin my daughter's chance of living with her father for the sake of growing our family.

It's so hard to try to approach this rationally. I'm very grateful for everyone's responses - it's good to keep me grounded and avoid the temptation of saying "fuck it" and just going for it blindly.