To have another baby even if marriage is a little rocky?

[Farmulaic]

Looking for some advice. 36 and have one child, since her birth our marriage has been a little rough. Both working full time in stressful jobs and finding it challenging.
We have theoretically even contributions work and family-wise, though he overestimates his contribution to childcare and household.
After the birth of our daughter, I thought he wasn't supportive enough and could be self centred, he was upset that I would keep bugging him about that.
Fast forward 2 years, we want another child but I worry that our marriage isn't quite up for it yet and it could cause too much strain. On the other hand, will we ever be ready? And time isn't on our side given our ages (DH is 41)
I tried to find marriage counselling but wrote to four different therapists and none could offer times that work so I gave up.
What would you do?

AIBU: another baby is the worst thing you could do right now!
AINBU: oh go on, you're only fertile once...

I'm going to go against the grain.
If you really want another baby, I would go for it.

You also know what you're letting yourself in for. He's obviously not the world's best Dad in terms of support but it also doesn't sound like he's the worst.

Another factor for me would be age. The relationship might not improve anyway, and then you're left to find a new relationship, be together long enough to decide you want children etc. By which time, you could be in your 40's. I know people are having babies in their mid-late 40's these days, but the younger the better.

I have 2 kids (4&6). We've nearly split up a million times because it was so stressful but we powered on through for the kids. Now they are that bit older, the relationship is great again. Kids are such a massive strain on a relationship but it doesn't mean it's over because you have another child.

I would go for it.

We have come to a better place now and share life equally, I cut back at work and he lightened up on travel and all that has helped. I worry that we haven't solved the underlying issues that appeared when we had our daughter.
He did not advocate for me in labour as I hoped he would, and kept saying the doctors know best, for instance. I found it really hard to accept that.
We struggled to regain intimacy because I was exhausted and felt unsupported. He felt he was doing "enough" as it was more than most men, and didn't think about how that left me with much much more than I could handle.
We are doing better now and I really want another child, so does he, but it feels fragile and I worry about whether we have truly resolved the underlying issues.

(Sorry that was much longer than I intended - I think this is a good indication that I absolutely do need therapy, so this thread has been a wonderful eye opener in that regard!!)

Did you believe your marriage would be rocky one day?

Things change, people change. Or they can remain the same, and he'll do him, and you'll continually accuse him of being self centered and not supportive again?

Don't bring another child into this. Surely it is better to try for the child you already have, and for one another, to see if you can get your marriage back on track. Isn't that worth the fight? Why make the effort just to have another child.

This is really interesting to hear from someone who has been in the same position.

How did you make the decision to go for a second? At what point did you feel like things really got great again?

YABU. Selfish to think a second child will make your marriage work. It will do exactly the opposite.
You should focus on the child you already have. Prioritise marriage counselling over your work schedule.

I feel that for a child, being an only child in a solid relationship is much better than being a child with siblings with parents whose relationship is really struggling. That would decide it for me, but I was never terrified of having an only child like many on here seem to be.

I'm also going to go against the grain.
We were in a similar position to you after 1 - stressed, knackered, not in the greatest place relationship wise, but also committed to each other and to completing our family, and working through the difficulties we were currently having. Time was also not on our side. We had number 2, we powered on and got better at being a team, and now several years later life has got a lot easier and our relationship is back on track. Not saying we don't have our issues but who doesn't?

I honestly don't know anyone who's smoothly made the transition to becoming parents without some bumps along the way. However strong your foundations, there's so much to renegotiate in your relationship, and none of us are at our sweetest when we're exhausted to our bones. And many, many men get a rude awakening when they discover just what equal parenting involves, or that they're no longer centre of attention, or that sex is now a much lesser priority. Even the best men I know have struggled with that.

In short, don't write your relationship off just yet, keep working at it but have that second baby if it's what you both know you want. I always, always knew I "needed" a second to feel complete, and our family began to work better as a unit once DC2 was here.

I’m going to go against the grain and say that if, as you say, it’s not about fixing the relationship and also that you will regret not having two children (I.e. this in itself is important to you) then you should have another baby. It definitely won’t make it easier and it may be the end of the marriage (but, in my opinion, if the marriage is going to end purely because of a second child then it was going to end anyway). You do need to recognise that you may therefore be single-parenting two children instead of one and you need to think through the ramifications of that financially and emotionally.

@Funusername respectfully, I don't think another child will make my marriage work. Exactly the opposite is my concern! It's whether having another baby is going to risk the recent return to marital harmony.

Good point on the counselling though. Both our work schedules are hard and we need to work to provide for our child. Trying to find a time we can both do has been really hard, but finding time to have another baby will be even harder... point taken!

I would go for it, assuming that you are happy to do so knowing that he won't contribute as much as you'd like and that there is a risk that the marriage won't last. I don't see either of these things as reasons not to have a baby, provided you are willing to deal with the consequences.

Ah op I really feel for you, we're not in a dissimilar position. Having ds (now 14mths) really rocked our marriage. We just stopped prioritising each other because we were so focused on prioritising ds truthfully and i thought that we'd just go back to being our normal strong team but actually dh just shut down on me completely and it ended up in a crisis. We're both working through that now in individual counselling and we're starting couples counselling soon as well. But it's definitely put a much wanted second baby on the back burner. I'm 36 as well and I'm reluctantly taking it that fate will decide. We'll see how things are in a year or two from now and if we feel we've worked things out and are stronger in our marriage we'll go for number 2, but ultimately I don't want to have a second child at the expense of the family I have now if that makes sense. I'd rather have a more secure family unit for the ds I have and commit to doing the work to strengthen things in the first instance. Hopefully we can build a better and more secure marriage in time for a second child to still be an option but I'm not focusing on that because I think it would be detrimental to the work we need to do and there would be temptation to 'rush' things.

It sounds like you had a really difficult birth and depending on how old your child is, it might help to debrief that with a midwife to help you process exactly what happened and why and perhaps doing that with your dh might help you both understand each others perspectives in that moment. I fully and completely understand feeling you need and want your dh to have your back and advocate for you in labour, but equally I do think it's a lot to put on anyone to disagree with medical advice if they don't maybe fully understand what's happening or that advice is being strongly given because ultimately they want you and baby to be safe (which ironically is exactly what you also want). So it sounds like that's where you need to both do the work and because that sounds quite intense for you specifically, I'd think it fitting that you be the one to seek out a couples counsellor you feel will be a good fit as exploring a traumatic experience needs to be done with someone YOU can feel safe with.

I feel for you op, it feels really difficult to make these decisions at this age because you do feel like you're on a clock but realistically you need to decide if having a second baby is more important than your marriage. Because if it's hard to find the time and energy to do the work now, you know it'll be 10x harder when another comes along especially because it sounds like there's potential for old wounds and traumas to be triggered by the nature of having a second.

Getting into therapy is key. My partner was adamant they didn’t want a second child and that was destroying me but it all routed back to a few things he needed to resolve in therapy for himself. I didn’t ’make Him go to change his mind’ but I felt it would be useful for him to talk to someone about the areas of parenting he found hard and also to process the trauma he had from our daughters birth.

it was worth every penny. He’s happier, we’re happier, we mutually decided on that second baby. Sure it wasn’t on the timescale I had originally thought of but it was on the best timescale - one where both parents were much more grounded and on the same page. We will have a 3.5 year gap, and he was in therapy for 3-4 months on a weekly basis.

He did not advocate for me in labour as I hoped he would, and kept saying the doctors know best, for instance.

On the face of it this doesn't sound like he's a bad person, what did he do that you didn't agree with? As I assume that's your worry of it happening again?

There’s a good chance you will be a single mother in the next ten years. Would you be happy to be a single mother to just one child or would you be happier to be a single parent to two?

I don't think there is a marriage counsellor out there who can fight the pressure of patriarchal society expectations to the point where she will be able to convince your DP to do his fair share, and I wonder how you will feel about your DP if you waste your chance to have a second child arguing with him about it?
Personally I would have the second baby, accept that DP won't fully pull his weight and just pick up the slack and/or pay for help until the kids are a bit older, when you will get a bit of breathing space. Maybe your relationship will be worse then but is it really going to be much better if you pass up the chance to have a second baby because he wouldn't pull his weight? I don't think your DH is leaving any time soon, he has it too nice. Will you have much respect left for him at the end of it, maybe not, - for me, I was in a similar situation but it was choosing to have one or two embryos implanted in iVF. I already knew DH was going to be mildly crap but I was 35 and I didn't want to put a child in the position of being an only (I am an only). My two girls are in high school now and my relationship with DH is more cordial than loving now I would say - I am fine with that, I haven't regretted having my girls for a single moment.

@Lavender14 thank you so much for this perspective.

If your relationship isn't solid with 1 DC. Think carefully. Your 1 DC has 2 parents who help care for it. If you throw another baby into the mix it's much much harder, you might have an easy pregnancy, but you might not. A second DC is expensive and that can cause strain. You'll have nursery fees after your older DC just got subsidised hours. If your DH didn't take very good care of you after your first pregnancy is he promising to do better this time? Also no one likes to consider it but how would your DH cope if your second DC had additional needs? Do you really want to go back to having a tiny baby again? I only ask because with one DC it gets a lot easier after they are 4 and at school and easier to pack up and go on holiday without having to take so much baby equipment having a second DC puts you back to square one. Could you discuss with DH and suggest working on your marriage and appreciating each other more for a year before trying for a second DC only if he commits to supporting you and new baby more in those difficult first 3 months.

Do finances allow you to put in place enough support that you don't resent him? Personally I accepted my husband wouldn't change and instead we have a lot of paid help. We have a lady who does all the cleaning, laundry, ironing, household chores and a fair number of our dinners. It's made a huge difference to our relationship. I appreciate we're lucky to be able to afford it though.

You could have a doula to advocate for you too and provide post natal support.

Sorry this was a bit cryptic. I did have a bit of trauma associated with the birth and had a debrief. The two things I found frustrating (that he has since apologised for)

1. Before birth when doing the birth plan, he was adamant he wouldn't go against guidance from nurses or doctors. I said sure, but advocating doesn't mean ignoring medical professionals in a crisis. He couldn't understand my point that he might need to take a more active role by writing things down, asking questions etc. he wouldn't be swayed on this (I should have just hired a doula)
2. I was in labour waiting on a c section in a busy, Covid-y hospital and he refused to even ask the midwives or nurses what was going on, he was too nervous to even ask what was going on and I eventually just had to go and sort it myself. Basically it made him seem less attractive because he couldn't put his own discomfort aside for my sake and it has been hard to shake that feeling...

That's great for your relationship but you both powered through, you both showed that commitment. We don't know if OP's partner would have the same resolve. Only she knows him. I know other couples like you who have said the same. It's so easy to give up when neither of you get much sleep, a baby is teething, financial strain is constant and you both feel under appreciated and exhausted. Well done for working your way through to a better place.

Thank you, that's good advice. I worry about saying anything that comes even close to a deal where he commits to do better in order to have a baby. I can't quite place exactly why, but something about it makes me nervous. Like if I have to be bargaining, then maybe I don't trust him enough to be a great father without the deal, if you see what I mean? Not sure if that makes any sense

Yes we could afford more help than we have and maybe that's the solution. Does it matter that it doesn't resolve the underlying issue? Or maybe the issue is really just the lack of support/busy lives with two working parents.

One child is a walk in the park compared with two.

two can put strain on even the happiest of dynamics.

Please do not throw a grenade in to an already unstable situation. Please please please don’t let your husbands fertility (is that even a thing?) dictate if and when having another child is something you can happily and healthily commit to.