I dislike my child

[namechangeFeb24]

My DS is 10. He’s neurodivergent.

He’s been hard work since he could talk, he started answering back, being rude, cheeky, defiant.

It’s carried on since then unrelenessly and I’m exhausted. Our relationship is rubbish because I’m constantly telling him off, or correcting him, or asking him to do something for the thousandth time.

I have a supportive DH, but he doesn’t find it quite as difficult as me. He isn’t so triggered by DS, and DS is better behaved for him anyway so he doesn’t get the brunt of the behaviour.

It’s the first day of half term tomorrow and I’m just dreading it. He has a screen ban already in place for bad behaviour. We will go out to a park because he needs a lot of physical exercise, but it’ll be a battle to get him dressed and to leave the house, and he’ll complain all the way there. He will probably upset his siblings while we’re there too and hurt someone, so his screen ban will be extended.

I dislike him a lot of the time.

I think it can be difficult to parent a neurodivergent child if you are using the techniques you would use on a neurotypical child. Cos they don't work - the rules don't make sense to him and it doesn't sound like he is shy about letting you know that. If he is using his screens as a stim or a self soothing tool and you are taking it away from him then it is going to make it harder for him to regulate his emotions.

I'm sorry that you don't feel like you like him at the moment, I'm sure he probably doesn't like himself very much either. But if you want him to grow up to be a mentally healthy neurodivergent adult who you do like, then it might be worth looking into some parenting courses aimed at parents of neurodivergent kids.

My daughter didn't get a diagnosis until recently and it has completely changed the way I interact with her, in a much more positive way. Since I have accepted the fact that I cannot "parent" my daughter's autistic traits away, and have learned other ways to help her manage her deregulation and energy, we are all a lot happier. Still lots of struggles, but I don't feel we are at war with each other anymore.

Is the screen ban achieving what you want it to? Is the telling off?

Obviously you can’t let him physically hurt people. But as parent of a formerly difficult neurodivergent child myself, I have learned to cut him, and myself, an awful lot of slack. Screen bans make him impossible, so I don’t impose them. Constantly getting into a battle over him answering back or being cheeky doesn’t achieve anything except winding both of us up, so for the most part I ignore it. I try to spend time with him doing stuff I frankly find boring and/or weird, but that means a lot to him, trying to build a bond and spend time doing things other than telling him off. Turned out he’s actually a really funny and loving child, he just cannot be parented the “standard way” - and actually once I stopped battling him over table manners and sitting still and stupid noises and basically trying to make him behave neurotypically, he became a much easier little person and a lot of the rudeness and hurting himself and others just naturally stopped.

It’s hard when you don’t enjoy your child, but your DS likely knows he’s different to most people and that his own mother dislikes him. Is it that surprising he’s difficult? Can I highly recommend finding some good parenting resources for whichever flavour of neurodivergence you are dealing with and trying to parent him differently because it sounds like the current way isn’t working for either of you.

Oh my goodness all of this! So well said!

My 6 year old girl is ND and it's EXHAUSTING! But, I'm educating myself on what type of parenting works for her and it is helping. Spotify Premium audio books and podcasts are a great resource for me.

There are times when she's hitting me or shouting that I really struggle but I know that I'm her one constant support and we will get through it. I want her to be a resilient, capable adult and we will get there together. Observing her behaviours and describing them help me create empathy and immediate small consequences/rewards help manage her behaviour. I celebrate her successes and discuss the undesirable actions when we're all calm. I don't always get it right but we're moving in the right direction.

It's ok to be sad and feel drained, to have a little cry and some time out. Make sure you have some "me time" and use your DH as support. You will create a happy family unit.

Could've written your post word for word OP.

My DS is 10 too and ND. His new word is fatty. Me and Dad are getting called it on a daily basis. 🙄

Sometimes he can be so sweet and 'typical' then all hell will break loose and it goes to shit.

You have my sympathy!

It's so, so hard. I empathise with you.

It sounds like you're aware you're stuck in a negative cycle, and that you want to do something to change it. I know it's not easy to hear, but you are the only one in this relationship son who has the capacity to change it.

I'm loathe to suggest parenting approaches because I know how they can often feel like a huge burden upon an already difficult situation, but I have found the nurtured heart approach to be one of the most supportive resources I've found for cultivating my relationship with my ND children (in the face of very challenging behaviour). It's all about investing your energy into the things you want to grow in your child, and keeping negative interactions very dispassionate, factual and de-energised, so your child gets their buzz from positive interactions rather than negative ones. At first glance it seems so obvious but those negative cycles can creep up on you and dominate very quickly (I know from my own experience!). The NH book can be a bit 'mumbo jumbo' but if you can grasp the key points you may find it supportive.

I found removing screens made mine worse.
I pulled her up on as little as possible just to maintain peace.
I focused mainly on the positives.

It was hard. Shes 17 now, it’s easier, but still not easy. She’s spent 10 minutes shouting at my about the waistband of some jog pants and that I’m not listening and don’t understand. I used to be a sportswear designer but hey ho.

I also wonder whether it's worth trying to completely change how you approach him.

What kind of things are you getting conflict and defiance about?

This week for half term, maybe just try letting go? Let him stay in his pyjamas, stay home, watch his ipad, ignore cheekiness or rudeness - see if that changes the negative cycle a bit?

I hear you, it's exhausting. I do agree with PPS though, I've really benefitted from accessing parenting support/advice aimed at parents of ND kids. I feel like our house is so much less stressful since we understood we can't parent using standard parenting techniques.

The book 'The Explosive Child' is good, and I like the PANDA approach on here:
https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/resources/helpful-approaches-infographic/

If you can find a local course specifically for parenting ND kids then you will meet others who understand too, which is invaluable. Our local Mind runs online sessions for free, for example.

I didn't much like my son when he was younger. We have a beautiful relationship now. I am autistic too but I didn't know then. I kept trying to impose societal rules and expectations on him instead of what I thought suited him. I now parent him intuitively. I use what I know about him and where his strengths are and play to those.

Since doing this and low- demand parenting he's been so much easier to handle. It's not easy, but it's better.

Hi. Iv 3 nd dc and I hear you. Luckily mine responded well to adhd medication so life isn't as manic anymore.
Iv found earning electronic and screen time back works well for us for minor bad behaviour such as answering back etc. Usually chores which they don't really like so its not very attractive. But it gives both of us a bit of an out

I’ve been there. Sometimes my son drives me up the wall. I feel jealous of people with NT kids.

he has ADHD and it’s exhausting.

I know he loves me and we are very close, but sometimes I just wish we could connect in the way that my friends can with their NT kids.

It can be difficult to have a conversation with him. He won’t listen unless it’s about something he is interested in.

What was the bad behaviour that caused the screen ban? Personally for your own sanity and to allow him to calm down I wouldn’t use banning screens as a way to try and modify his behaviour. My son has autism - severely, he attends specialist school - and screens / iPads etc are the only way he can relax and calm down. If he we banned them we’d just be making life harder for all of us.

This is so sad, and I think it’s your expectations that are the problem here. You want your ds to behave and respond as if he were neurotypical and he can’t. This sounds like a child who is completely overwhelmed, burnt out and not coping.

I recommend looking at the PDA Pandas model and doing the neurobears course.

By removing screen time, you might well be removing his regulation tool and his way to manage his overload. Computer games can be regulating because to get are predictable, repetitive hand low us to filter out the world. It also sounds like you are punishing him for meltdown which is neurological and not behavioural.

He will know that you dislike him, he will know that you prefer his siblings, and he will know that you wish he was neurotypical. You need to change your thinking and understanding of neurodivergence. Put your relationship with your child above all else and forget social expectations.

Do you give him warnings of what time you will be leaving at the day before to go to the park? And what time to start getting dressed at?

Dont ask him to get dressed, ask him which of 2 options he wants to wear and leave it at that. Its a battle because he’s dystegulated and anxious.

He’s moaning to get his anxiety out. Just let him get it out and respond kindly

TBH mine had access to screens easily. It was too difficult to cope with if she didn’t. And we were human and needed time to breathe,

Ignoring lots makes a huge difference. So does focusing on the good. Life’s just too short to manage an ND all the time. I found it easier to go with the flow, not sweat the small stuff and be as flexible as possible.

They are hard work though.

@FoFanta 's advice is spot on, couldn't have said it better.

I think one of the things that helps as a parent is seeing what our expectations were and owning the fact it isn't our dc's job to meet our preconceived ideas of what they will be like. Neurodivergence can be hard for everyone and acknowledging and grieving the hard is so important so that you can move onto being what your dc needs.

I have one dc I struggled with more than their siblings. There is nothing 'wrong' with them just like there is nothing 'wrong' with any child. I started by making a small list of things I could do, even when things felt hard. I started with two long hugs a day as I read longer hugs help (at least 30 seconds) reduce anxiety and aid in attachment. I also decided every day I'd read to them for a minimum of 20 minutes and when we were supposed to be done give them an extra treat of another chapter or book. Their delight when I say yes, was lovely to see. I also, while hard, decided I would have one to one time with them every week. Something fun - park, film, art etc. I also framed a picture of the two of us. I can tell you to this day I struggle more when I don't take the extra time with them. This is not their fault at all. I need those things to keep our relationship in sync. It's like my relationship with them needs more watering than my relationship with my older dc. I don't know why, but I know my dc deserves my doing this.

Hopefully you can find some things that work for you.

Parent of 20 year ND severe epileptic mum here.

Good advice here but I'd add

Don't give up on trying to understand what helps your child and adapt the way you behave to give wins for your child. Cultivating Self esteem in our young people is a huge benefit for our kids. They can't understand their own feelings well let alone express them in a positive way. Can you show him that you need 'help' doing jobs and reward him with love/ a few coins for his money box ( mine loves the speaking one that counts the money in). Washing the car is a good one .. as it does something for you and gives them a sense of achievement & pleasing you. I think all kids deep down benefit from earning praise. It's always hard as you need to go over the car afterwards 🫣 ( patience is key here ) but the point is not really how clean the car is .. the wins are getting fresh air / dispelling frustration / exercise & raise their confidence.. giving them a win! . We need bought a litter picking tool .. gloves and a took bag. The number of the local community who gave praise to him raised his confidence / self esteem & motivated him massively. He now asks for it as an activity 😅

It's a really hard road, our goalposts change and I wish you all the best.

Thanks for all of the replies. I had an early night so reading them now.

The screen ban was for hurting people. I try very hard not to use any unconnected consequences otherwise (so a typical rational consequence for trying to ram his siblings with his scooter is that they can carry on scooting while he has to walk, wheeling the scooter, or if he’s refusing to get dressed on time, he misses his beloved football matches) but I cannot accept him hurting people, and it’s only in severe cases where he gets a screen ban (we ignore a lot of the silly little sly kicks etc between siblings).

He also gets the opportunity to earn his screens back. In the very short term this works well, but he can’t keep it up for too long.

I’ve read a lot that screens can regulate ND DC but I can’t say I’ve ever noticed it for DS. He gets grumpier as he is in hyperfocus mode and then when he does have to switch to something else, he gets very angry and rude. He’s had the odd “yes day” or day off sick where he’s been glued to the TV or his iPad all day, and he’s been awful afterwards.

I ignore a lot of the “silly” behaviour as much as I can. He has zero table manners but I let it go! But he is so rude, so disrespectful, that’s when he gets told off. We ask him to please just voice his feelings - so fine to say along the lines of “I don’t want to brush my teeth, it’s annoying that you’ve asked”, but calling us names or giving big attitude when we’ve asked is when he gets pulled up.

He has ADHD and isn’t medicated yet but we are going to try very shortly (when the clinician finally gets back to me!) so I really hope that might help a bit.

I haven’t tried NH so will take a look but I’m also too aware that we’ve tried so much which hasn’t worked but as a result we are very inconsistent. I’ve read the Explosive Child, it didn’t really resonate much to be honest. We’ve recently been trying PACE but I don’t think it’s made a difference.

The only expectations I have is that he’s not a complete arsehole. His siblings get the absolute brunt, followed by us, followed by wider family like grandparents.

He gets warnings, yes. He’s not hugely inflexible at all, it’s the defiance which is the issue when it comes to getting somewhere. I have started asking what he needs to do next instead of telling him, which helps a bit, likely because he’s feeling like he’s in charge, but he’s very very distractible too and moves at a snail’s pace so that only really works when we have loads of time to get ready.

I offer my solidarity also. My autistic 10 year old ds is similarly difficult sometimes (not always, he has a PANS diagnosis).

Yesterday was one continuous stream of challenging behaviour or repetitive speech, hooting with loud laughter all the time, snatching my phone and FaceTiming random people, rifling through cupboards to find chocolate, throwing things, poking everyone, shouting swear words, screaming at the top of his volume if his YouTube video wouldn't load etc etc and culminating in deliberately throwing a chocolate cake to my dog who ate it before I could get to it. This was the last straw and I also felt that I completely disliked him at that moment.

I spend all my waking hours trying to manage his behaviour in positive fashion, sometimes there is no positivity left. So I just wanted to say I know how you feel. My DH took him out to give me some space and I recovered my equanimity somewhat but still felt so so sad that it came to this.

I should also add we phoned the vet but the chocolate cake didn't have enough cocoa to cause a problem luckily.

Oh my word @HumphreyCobblers . That sounds so so challenging, I’m glad your dog is ok.

Like many mornings this morning started well, DS accepting he wouldn’t be watching TV, ate breakfast nicely, good manners, even tidying up after himself and siblings. It’s now not even 9am and he’s clearly bored and started to wind up his siblings, even though he’s been reminded that all he will be earning his screens back later if he behaves.

I’m getting all DC out in the next hour but he is already moaning that he doesn’t want to do - the irony because it’s his behaviour that is unmanageable at home! I think one of his younger siblings is probably autistic but they don’t have the same horrible defiant, wind up behaviour and are much easier to manage.

@HumphreyCobblers we have hooting too! It starts around 5.30am 😭 if he could just be quiet until 7am that would be great, don’t tell me to go to bed earlier as I only have an hour after he falls asleep before I go to bed and yes, that’s with melatonin.

Its the negative attitude and black and white thinking I’m struggling with, as others have said we don’t ban screens as he needs that time out from family, he’s medicated which helps but it doesn’t last all day.

He is wonderful in so many ways, one to one he’s brilliant but I have two children so I can’t focus all my energy on him all the time.

You can't treat the child in the same way you do your normal ones. We have one with autism and yes it took a few months but now we know exactly how to deal with him in a totally different way to his other brother and sisters and since we've put in the effort to understand more melt downs, bad behaviour rarely ever happen anymore

My parenting mantras were "your child needs you most when you like them least" and "dont sweat the small stuff", although it sounds like you've already get that one mastered.

Use as much praise as you can possibly manage. Children can be a nightmare, you just have to try and hang in there.

If he’s clearly bored why don’t you find something for him to do?