I dislike my child

[namechangeFeb24]

My DS is 10. He’s neurodivergent.

He’s been hard work since he could talk, he started answering back, being rude, cheeky, defiant.

It’s carried on since then unrelenessly and I’m exhausted. Our relationship is rubbish because I’m constantly telling him off, or correcting him, or asking him to do something for the thousandth time.

I have a supportive DH, but he doesn’t find it quite as difficult as me. He isn’t so triggered by DS, and DS is better behaved for him anyway so he doesn’t get the brunt of the behaviour.

It’s the first day of half term tomorrow and I’m just dreading it. He has a screen ban already in place for bad behaviour. We will go out to a park because he needs a lot of physical exercise, but it’ll be a battle to get him dressed and to leave the house, and he’ll complain all the way there. He will probably upset his siblings while we’re there too and hurt someone, so his screen ban will be extended.

I dislike him a lot of the time.

Yep this is why peer support is so important.

It often feels like when our kids are diagnoses with asd or adhd conditions, camhs then discharges and sends us on our way. Most of the time that is true, but accessing and harnessing peer support is one of the most important and beneficial things you can do - National Autistic Society, ADHD Foundation, SWAN, PDA Society... most of these have social opportunities for parents and carers. Even searching on EventBrite can show up local organisations that can offer support.

Also, local carers centres x

kittensinthekitchen thank you for that x

I'm feeling you. I'm in crisis at the moment: ASD/ ADHD/ epileptic 12 year old whose hormones have kicked in hugely over the last 6 months. Everything that worked doesn't work anymore. Even medication isn't working as well.

We're lost in a sea of grieving for the child we thought we would have, and trying to understand & support the one we have. He's violent, angry & his behaviour is illogically like a roller-coaster.

I appreciate others' ideas & suggestions, but figuring out what works for them whilst trying to have some kind of life for ourselves is the hardest thing I've ever, ever had to do. I feel like noone gets it, noone understands as he masks beautifully with other people.

I, luckily, have a strong relationship, but I feel that it too is being chipped away by the massive amounts of stress in the house. Right now, I cry everyday.

My counselling starts next week, but it's through my work & I don't know if the counsellor will have any ASN training.

Oh puffalicious that is so hard. The grief is real. Sending solidarity x

The onset of puberty is what we are most concerned about.

I sympathise, it sounds like getting him out will really help and the medication will be a life changer. There is hope, honestly, I had a really hard ASD 8yo who is now an amazing 12yo who I love spending time with.

I agree with you re: screens, my ASD DD does not benefit from screen time any more than it being a sticking plaster you'd pay for later. It's clearly not a one size fits all, and some ASD kids aren't helped by them.

She is a bit older now (nearly 13) and exercises an awful lot - it has transformed her life. More exercise = better sleeping = coping with life so much better. Over the years we have often been the only parent who has their child out running round the park at 8.30pm, but it has been more than worth it. It's hard at that moment, but 30mins running is easier than 2 hours of not being able to sleep.

Now she is older she can articulate how screens make her feel - like the kind of calm that feels dead inside rather than a happy calm. After a run she feels properly relaxed. CAMHS have agreed and told us that we are extremely lucky that she has exercise as her coping mechanism as there are so many worse, particularly for her presentation of autism (which is sensory seeking rather than avoidant) which can often result in self harm in the teenage years for girls. The fact that she loves jumping into cold water seems a much better alternative to harming herself, so obviously we facilitate it. We would anyway as it's lovely seeing her so happy.

I'm only posting to reassure you that it can fall into place as they get older and can reflect on their emotions better. I never imagined I would have a child that I genuinely thought was amazing, who happened to be autistic rather than amazing considering she is autistic, if that makes sense.

Good luck with half term, you are doing a great job.

Puffalicious, sorry for cross posting in a way that might have made you feel worse, it wasn't my intention. We all have ups and downs and are constantly calibrating what works, your DS is so lucky to have you on his team, you'll get there.

Thank you. The solidarity means a lot.

Don't you apologise! I'm just so glad you have a positive experience. Your kindness has made me well-up again (peri-meno & the first period in 6 months isn't helping this weekend!).

We adore him, but the resentment is real right now. I missed a much looked forward to event on Saturday with many cousins as he had the hugest meltdown (smashing things up/ violence) all over a chocolate cake I'd made to take to the event, despite him having plenty left of the same chocolate cake I'd made him a few days previously. I feel the worst thing is that they all now know, as my sister will have explained to them all, & I just know there will be judgement & mutterings of 'boundaries' & all sorts of NT comments.

I did get out yesterday for a lovely walk & coffee & cake with my BF who is massively supportive.

OP WELL DONE for speaking up. Your feelings are totally valid. How can you enjoy parenting him when you spend most of your time dealing with his bad behaviour?
I take it you are a teacher or have taken annual leave to be around all of half term? Make sure you get a break too (husband on duty in the evening or perhaps her can take a day/half day off).

I am so sorry. It sounds like a slot without much positive to balance it out.

Does he have the imagination to know what to do with the Lego or do you need to guide him on options? Does he like reading is that a genuine option? Does he know how to play, have you taught him?

He’s fantastic at Lego! He likes sets and also free builds, coming up with his own very creative and elaborate models - always with a long, detailed explanation of course.

He can play Lego by himself very nicely for a long time, same with reading.

Thank you, I had picked every item out for him and brought it to him downstairs to put on after breakfast. And then when he went upstairs to play I brought them up to him and re-laid them in front of him.

He did get them on eventually! Forgot his t shirt though…

Thank you. I’m worried about puberty as I’ve heard it can get worse.

Does your DD have ADHD alongside her ASD (your mention of medication has made me assume so)? I have to admit I’m clinging on to the hope that medication will help his anger!

You need to find a new way of parenting. Typical punishments just don’t work with an ND child. I have 2 of them. I made a lot of mistakes with the first one and very nearly ruined our relationship. I took a different tack with the second one.. ignore the bad behaviour (as long as he’s not physically hurting anyone) immediate rewards for good behaviour(making them wait too long makes it pointless in their eyes).
We had a sticker chart that DS2 helped to make and he decided what rewards he should have for what good behaviours. It’s tedious but praise every little thing.
DS2 is 16 now and he’s amazing! Kind, caring and generous with his time and love. He still has the odd meltdown but I just sit, wait for them to pass, then we talk about what’s upset him and what we can do about it. Take heart, it does get easier as they get older.

Thanks everyone who took the time to reply.

DS doesn’t have an ASD diagnosis, although I imagine he likely has it - there’s so much crossover and I’ve heard that once medicated for ADHD, ASD can seem more prevalent where previously it’s hidden.

He’s not hugely sensory but he’s more of a sensory seeker than avoider, he’s never had issues with food, grown out of any brief clothing sensitivities he had long ago.

His ADHD symptoms are what’s prevalent, but he’s also deeply unpleasant a lot of the time and I just can’t accept that that is exclusively because he has ADHD. My DP
has ADHD and he’s not horrible in the same way and wasn’t as a child either.

We had a better day today, until we got home anyway, and then the DC watched a film together for all of 45 minutes, and as soon as it went off DS was awful, so it wasn’t worth it. He will entertain himself much better in the house when he’s had no screens whatsoever.

I understand it’s me who has to try and change the relationship, but he absolutely infuriates me. He’s better behaved for DH than he is for me, which is why it’s easier for DH to be a bit more jokey with him.
DH is also stronger - perfect example just now where DS had ignored DH’s requests 10 times over to get up from the sofa where he’d been reading to go to bed - I told him DS, dad’s asked you to get up -
DH tried to take the book when DS held it out, but DS then held on tightly to it, like a tug of war. DH can make that type of scenario fun, and play about with him jokingly - I would just yank the book away from DS because otherwise he’s going to be able to start overpowering me very soon (I’m only 5”) and I know he’s not playing, really, because he is a defiant rat bag.

Ours are “it is what it is” and “every days a new day” 😀

DS doesn’t really have meltdowns. He constantly seems in control, cold and calm.

You ignored repeated rudeness? I just won’t do that.

Thank you to those who suggested support - we’ve had none. Not even a leaflet was handed to us when we were told his diagnosis, just sent on our way. I have joined a few Facebook groups for parenting ADHD children but I find them very depressing, and almost like we’re sat in a middle cohort. The pages are always full of DC trashing rooms, breaking things, running away. DS doesn’t do anything like that. He is verbally aggressive and horrible, and physically aggressive with his siblings.

Yep! Completely ignored it, once we realised he was doing it to provoke a reaction we started to ignore it. It took a while but he soon got the message and it gradually stopped. He’s 16 now and very polite. I’m complimented often on his lovely manners.
Edited to add while he was being rude I didn’t engage with him at all. He soon learnt to be polite if he wanted me to listen/answer. He knew I wouldn’t engage with him until he changed his tune

Thank you. I can predict what will happen…I will ignore and ignore and then snap and scream at him. That’s the pattern…

Lovely to hear about your DS’ manners. Mine to be fair, has impeccable manners with shop staff, in cafes or restaurants with staff etc.

This sounds like PDA

That’s the hard bit! It really isn’t easy but can be effective if you can manage it.
I’ve had to remove myself (secret cigarette in the garden) a few times because I wanted to strangle him!
Edited to add I have to keep reminding myself he doesn’t choose to be this way (ADHD) but on occasion if I’m having a bad day anyway it’s tough.

You can turn this around by identifying things you like or appreciate about him AND telling him. Small things.

Correct me if I'm wrong OP but why not just let him sit in his bedroom all day with his screens? He might need that time to decompress.

What would happen if you did that? Easier for you than forcing him to the park