I dislike my child

[namechangeFeb24]

My DS is 10. He’s neurodivergent.

He’s been hard work since he could talk, he started answering back, being rude, cheeky, defiant.

It’s carried on since then unrelenessly and I’m exhausted. Our relationship is rubbish because I’m constantly telling him off, or correcting him, or asking him to do something for the thousandth time.

I have a supportive DH, but he doesn’t find it quite as difficult as me. He isn’t so triggered by DS, and DS is better behaved for him anyway so he doesn’t get the brunt of the behaviour.

It’s the first day of half term tomorrow and I’m just dreading it. He has a screen ban already in place for bad behaviour. We will go out to a park because he needs a lot of physical exercise, but it’ll be a battle to get him dressed and to leave the house, and he’ll complain all the way there. He will probably upset his siblings while we’re there too and hurt someone, so his screen ban will be extended.

I dislike him a lot of the time.

Just to give you my experience of my eldest - now 21

Refused to engage with CAMHS but undoubtedly ND - with high anxiety

Smashed my house up more time than I can remember, threatened me and her siblings, attempted suicide, school refusal, 'hearing voices' - police involved due to frequent running away

Ended up with all 3 kids on CP register - 6 months support from family therapy and a quote I heard at a conference that struck me so hard - I learned to chose my battles, always have her back (when she had calmed down and was distressed at her behaviour) - many exclusions and threats of managed moves - arguments when she went to her dads and didn't speak to me for months ...

she's at uni now and very much amazing - she loves me, I love her - we have a great relationship - she can still be tricky - usually due to anxiety/change but she recognises it in herself.

There was a time when her dad's solution was to 'fucking throw her in care' and various choice words - I didn't - and she now recalls all the times I had her back and all the times I cried.

OP it's exhausting, living with her was like being in a DV relationship - she scared me - but breath - choose your battles - hell if screen time means you get respite don't use it as a punishment - find another.

They love you - and hard as it is at time, you love him - he's just an unbelievable shit at times - but he's a child, he's struggling and he needs you.

👏 👏 👏 👏

Yes, stop.

I, for one, wish every day my child wasn't ND, or had severe epilepsy. Doesn't mean I don't love him fiercely.

You give me hope. Thank you.

@Puffalicious I felt like the shittest parent on the planet at times - I was exhausted - one time she put a broken light bulb outside of her 7 year old sisters room so she's cut her feet going to the toilet at night!

I work with Children's services so it was like 'double shame' my kids are now all on the CP reg BUT my training made me revaluate how I approached things - when we started to move to a trauma focused approach

The quote I heard was 'your child needs your love the most when they 'deserve' it the least' and it got me through - I still keep it in my head today with DD3 (teenage drama) - let the dust settle t- then talk - behaviour is an expression of their feelings and distress - that they can't articulate at the time - saved all our lives!

Big hugs though - I'm out the over end but goodness it's bloody hard going through it.

I need to channel your calm. It's always my intention, and im so calm & positive loads of the time, but I have limits too. Thank you for your kind words.

I understand how you feel. My child is ND and horrible, verbally abusive, constantly threatening to smash my face in and punches me and DH whenever we ask her to do anything. She is always insulting my appearance and refusing to do anything like brush her teeth, get ready, do homework. It’s like being in a DV relationship and each night I go to bed hoping I’ll die in my sleep. She keeps us awake til 1:00am and then somehow I have to get het up to school. I’m too stressed, tearful and exhausted to work full time, can only manage a few hours a week, am scared to commit to anything more. I can’t possibly tell people that I hate being a parent and wish I was dead because I would get the same kind of responses you’ve had so the mask stays on and the bruises stay hidden.

Pekoe78 so sorry to read this. You sound so sad. Lots of supportive comments on this thread, not just the ones who know how to do it better. Sending my best wishes.

Firstly, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. When you have your precious baby placed in your arms you never imagine the horror that can come. Hang on in there. DS2 was similar, called me a fat bitch, smashed up my house, spat on me, pulled my hair, slapped me, punched me etc etc.
He was a school refuser from quite young and every day was a battle. If I managed to get him ready for school and then let go of him he’d run off and hide knowing I had to get to work. My DH used to cry for me and he’s not a cryer (he worked 6 til 2 so was never around to help)
I felt the way you do, I used to sit in my car and fantasise about just driving away and never coming back. On darker days I’d imagine myself driving head on into a wall.
My older DS1 was arrested at 14 for vandalism (ADHD and a tit) and we were offered parenting support. I took it and it really helped me manage. It helped me understand how my reactions sometimes fuelled the fire. Is this something you would consider? We’re pretty much out of the other side now, he’s 16 and is a kind, loving, empathetic young man. He told me recently it was only my patience that got him through his childhood.

This is so true. You have no idea what awaits you when they're babies! Such a different version of the family life I imagined I'd have!

Can I ask what support you were offered? My son is 10 and on the ASC pathway but also has learning difficulties. He's in year 5 but working at a year 3 level.

We had early help who allocated a FSW and we were told to do the 123 magic course which actually just made my son even more angry. 😕

Gosh solidarity to you all. I am currently stuck in a supermarket car park whilst my son rages in the car screaming at the top of his voice.

It’s a while ago now so can’t remember the exact details but it was one on one parenting support/advice. She may have been from youth justice as the advice was meant for my older DS but it applied to the youngest one also. She just gave me an insight into their thought process and reaction to stress etc. Both are ND.

I am so grateful for this thread. Who could you possibly admit to in real life that you dislike your child? I love my dd11 but she is extremely challenging and makes liking her hard sometimes. I keep it all to myself as no one gets it. Thanks OP for starting the thread.

Yup dd11 is the same, rude, swears and shouts at me, lashes out, has a terrible temper, won't brush her hair, teeth, wash, dress, go out, refuses school.

I tell myself she can't help it and it's not her fault but it's soul destroying.

Oh gosh @ghostyslovesheets . So sorry you’ve all suffered those repeated ordeals.

Can I ask what was the quote that stuck with you?

X post, I can see you’ve added the quote.

i can only thank you xxx

Sorry I haven’t been online for a couple of days.

@Mumof2NDers thank you so so much. I need to change my approach, I just don’t know what to do. We’ve tried so many different approaches.

@lollipoprainbow you're very welcome.

@Pekoe78 I’m so sorry, that sounds just heartbreaking.

Not sure if others have replied, but this is something many people would say about my son!

I can count on one hand the number of times my 11yo son has actually 'played'. If he is ever to occupy himself it has to meet the following criteria

A. Something brand new, not put together or set up by Mum
B. Something within his very specific interests (robotics, building, computing)
C. Something with instructions he can follow, not anything free-play or imaginative

So, brand new Lego set - yes. Old box of Lego - no. Lego challenge set by Mum - no. Lego challenge he thinks of - no.

If it doesn't meet those criteria, he will not do it and everyone else suffers because he'll disrupt anything that anyone else is doing (laundry, playing, cooking) over entertaining himself or doing anything I've suggested.

It really is not straightforward with kids who are not neurotypical

Ah it’s tough isn’t it. My now adult son is severely autistic. I absolutely adore him and feel more protective of him than my other children because he is so vulnerable and cannot communicate . However he can also be very aggressive even violent, demanding and has periods where he goes days without sleep and he has diagnosed ocd which is horrendous and I have days where I actually think I hate him. I know the Ocd is a result of anxiety that he cannot communicate so it’s catch 22. I love him more than life itself but definitely have days that I don’t like him which makes me feel guilty. I think it’s normal to have these feelings but life is difficult and you feel resentful.

@ellyo I have an autistic child, and I do understand there are different presentations. The problem is the child is bored. Recognising the trigger IS key to finding a working solution EVEN if it is harder than for other children.

Yes, but your solution of 'find him something to do' will not always apply. Especially on situations where a child knows the parent wants them to occupy themselves and will therefore resist anything and everything that is suggested and will not work with the parent to find anything because meeting the parents objective leaves them feeling like they are not in control

That’s not my experience @ellyo

I understand. It is a more unusual autistic presentation, but it's definitely my experience!

ellyo is describing a pda presentation, which it does sound as though the OP’s child might meet.

Honestly I think most more severely impacted autistics have a large dose of what is now described as PDA. The only thing that I found worked for us was moving towards a preferred activity. It requires a lot of work by the carer but does avoid distress.

Having read a lot about it, I consider PDA to be another sensory issue and not a particular presentation - more something that is variable, and particularly prominent when we are in sensory overload and our nervous systems are dysregulated. So when struggling generally, it makes sense that PDA will be a prominent feature.

Seeing PDA meltdown as a panic attack or anxiety reaction does help manage it, as does thinking of it as ‘pervasive drive for autonomy’ rather than ‘pathological demand avoidance’ - it helps me to manage it, at least.