I dislike my child

[namechangeFeb24]

My DS is 10. He’s neurodivergent.

He’s been hard work since he could talk, he started answering back, being rude, cheeky, defiant.

It’s carried on since then unrelenessly and I’m exhausted. Our relationship is rubbish because I’m constantly telling him off, or correcting him, or asking him to do something for the thousandth time.

I have a supportive DH, but he doesn’t find it quite as difficult as me. He isn’t so triggered by DS, and DS is better behaved for him anyway so he doesn’t get the brunt of the behaviour.

It’s the first day of half term tomorrow and I’m just dreading it. He has a screen ban already in place for bad behaviour. We will go out to a park because he needs a lot of physical exercise, but it’ll be a battle to get him dressed and to leave the house, and he’ll complain all the way there. He will probably upset his siblings while we’re there too and hurt someone, so his screen ban will be extended.

I dislike him a lot of the time.

He’s been allowed to do that on the odd Yes Day or sick day @MsCactus , he’s so much worse.

He’s infinitely better for exercise, always has been. We were out riding bikes and playing today from 10am until 3pm and I barely had to scold him during that time. We
were home 5 minutes and he’d started fighting again with siblings.

What are you going to do instead though? What you’re doing isn’t making him less rude?

Your language about your child is really standing out to me, OP. It’s constant negativity. Arsehole, rude, cold, ‘so much worse’ ‘had to scold him’.

I highly recommend the PDA Pandas approach and reducing demands.

That's very informative and interesting. Thank you.

It's perfectly ok to dislike your child.

Totally with you OP I look at my son when he's being calm and lovely and I just wonder how he can go from that to the vitriol he spouts.

I praise him alllll the time for the simplest of things but when he isn't happy we all know about it.

It's so hard balancing his feelings and wellbeing and that of his siblings who also find the behaviour difficult.

When I envisaged having a family it didn't involve any of this. It never occurred to me this could be our normal.

I think before making judgements that we need to understand that this is an anonymous forum where people can say things they’d never say in real life- not least to their kids.

the danger to the relationship is when these feelings become apparent. Being able to vent anonymously and finding that others feel this way too sometimes can help OP understand and process these feelings so it doesn’t spill out into her interactions with her kid.

I don’t mean to single out your post or say you are criticising the OP harshly- these are valid points. but it can come across as really critical.

i don’t know if PDA pandas is aimed at SEN kids, but it’s a whole different ball game to NT kids. I have an NT kid and an ND kid and it’s a completely different approach to parenting that’s needed to each.

Medication for ADHD helped my relationship with my eldest so much. I felt like you felt, it made me feel really sad. She is now one of my favourite children. I can't imagine how shit all of our lives would have been if we'd been living 30 years ago with no meds.

I haven't read the full thread, but my ds has SEN. He could be very rude, disrespectful and ungrateful. He even went into being physically and verbally abusive. He's 12 now, and it's getting to the point where he is growing bigger and stronger than me.

I found the Empowering parenting course extremely helpful. It's a bit American and might not be for everyone, but I have seen a huge improvement and difference in my ds. We get along much better now, and I never shout or lose my shit any more. He'll never be a perfect angel, but the abuse has definitely massively reduced to almost nothing. It's just generally slightly more pleasant to be his parent now. 💐

Wow. Thank you. It really gives me hope. In between his horrible behaviour, he’s a wonderful, kind, caring boy.

There can be truth in what you said about ADHD and ASD..... my eldest was given an adhd diagnosis at the age of 7, but asd assessment (ados) came back inconclusive. After getting fully titrated onto the right medication (which was LIFE CHANGING) we repeated the ados and ASD was diagnosed at age 8.

Eldest is now almost 19 and the adhd is unfortunately still quite severe in the way of attention and focus. A lot of people opt to be medication-free at weekends and take regular breaks, but my child cannot function without and chooses to medicate every day. They did have about a year off medication at around age 14 as they felt it was causing extreme anxiety, but opted to go back on it themselves and ended up on a different type. I think in total DC has tried around 6 different medications and various dosages.

When DC was diagnosed - around 2012 - our local CAMHS had a therapist that delivered a one to one training called the New Forest Parenting Programme, which I found very helpful in aiding my understanding of the condition. I think this is usually for children with moderate to severe level adhd. It could be worth querying if this is a programme that is offered in your area x

They have written it down this way, which suggests it is their attitude. If they are thinking this way, then it will be reflected in their actions regardless of what words they choose. People think ND children are less likely to notice these kinds of things but they couldn't be more wrong. Many of us absolutely know when people don't like us, even if we can't explain why.

I’m venting on an anonymous forum, as an outlet, exactly so I don't have that outlet around my child.

This sounds great. Thank you. I'm going to look into this.

Can I say that I completely feel the same as you a lot of the time. I can't understand how the lovely, funny, caring boy we know can be this violent, aggressive, difficult nightmare at times.

We have very much found that the ADHD meds can be good, but his ASD traits have definitely come to the fore since he's been medicated. I think these are often the hardest to deal with as we just can't relate (both very definitely NT & just don't know where the ND has come from - possibly DH's uncle who is now not with us & clearly undiagnosed, but it's the closest we can think of) & need to be managed & supported in a way we just don't work - we try & learn constantly.

Please know you're trying your best. Sending HUGE hugs.

I've not tried the SEN boards here (although we call it ASN in Scotland generally, which I prefer) , but perhaps I will after this. Hope to see you there.

Exactly. By the time DS goes to bed I am exhausted by my constant positivity in the face of very difficult, daily circumstances. I never get a break & think I'm a bloody hero to get through the days with a smile & always open arms (despite being punched/ kicked at times). So don't you dare judge OP or the rest of us who are coping in extreme circumstances.

And don't 'other' yourself & the rest of the ND community - it'll alienate you further. Rub that chip on your shoulder if you like, but we're here supporting.

I think this is something that many of us parenting ND children feel at least some of the time.

And yes, I totally understand that letting my ND children on their tablets regulates them.

However when it is time to come off the damn thing their behaviour is vile, still dysregulated, often aggressive and violent to me. This is even after time warnings and discussion about when the programme/game finishes and then turning off (I.e. not immediately turning it off)

My two ND boys are pretty awful at the moment and half term is to be endured. I've been in tears most of today.

PDA Pandas is specifically designed for ND kids, specifically those with a PDA profile, which it sounds like the OP’s dc might have.

I do appreciate what you’re saying, and as a parent with several ND kids, ND myself, we have definitely had our challenges.

However, can you imagine how you would feel if your parent was saying things like this about you on an online forum? Without having to say anything, children know if we don’t like them, are disappointed in who they are…and it does affect them.

WaitingForMojo - So are you saying that we should never vent privately? Never acknowledge the negative feelings that constant horrific behaviour engenders? I have failed by your metric already anyway because I DO have negative feelings sometimes and therefore I have failed my son. What do you suggest I do? I have felt anger today because I have been repeatedly spat on. I has made me so sad to be treated like that. I suppose you wouldn't even feel annoyed?

My son knew I was annoyed because I calmly explained so in simple language so he could understand. I did this repeatedly but he just laughed and waited and did it again. Perhaps he would be better off with you as you wouldn't even feel irritation...? You offer the counsel of perfection but I sadly can't do it.

Of course I feel annoyed. I don’t dislike my children though, and I don’t wish they were neurotypical.

I think it’s absolutely ok to voice negative feelings. But I guess there is a difference between voicing our own feelings - ‘I feel angry, frustrated, exhausted’ etc than conducting a character assassination of our own children.

How would you want a relative to handle it if they felt this way towards you?

I’m also not of the opinion that it’s ‘horrific behaviour’. I see it as dysregulated behaviour and a sign that a child is really struggling. It’s our children’s most vulnerable times, and often due to inability to cope with the environment they are in. Modifying the environment and expectations is usually key.

Of course I don’t do this perfectly. But I don’t feel that it’s ok to be personally negative about our kids. It’s also naive to think of a public forum as private or anonymous.

I would want them to do their best and seek support where they needed to. Just like the people posting for support on this thread.

If you’d be ok with them speaking about you this way, then you’re very different from me.

Yes you are clearly a much better person than I am. Except I don't come into threads for people clearly at the end of their tether and tell them how wrong they are.

Waiting for Mojo - honestly you sound like you are reprimanding OP. How do you think that is going to help anyone?

I work in mental health and it is far far safer for children, for their frustrated caregivers to verbally express openly and directly what their experiences are, and how they feel about them (including the moments where they feel hate and rage) with other supportive adults, than to keep that in. Modifying and self censoring can lead to carer burnout, mental illness, and less supportive caregiving relationships. Maybe stop now.