I dislike my child

[namechangeFeb24]

My DS is 10. He’s neurodivergent.

He’s been hard work since he could talk, he started answering back, being rude, cheeky, defiant.

It’s carried on since then unrelenessly and I’m exhausted. Our relationship is rubbish because I’m constantly telling him off, or correcting him, or asking him to do something for the thousandth time.

I have a supportive DH, but he doesn’t find it quite as difficult as me. He isn’t so triggered by DS, and DS is better behaved for him anyway so he doesn’t get the brunt of the behaviour.

It’s the first day of half term tomorrow and I’m just dreading it. He has a screen ban already in place for bad behaviour. We will go out to a park because he needs a lot of physical exercise, but it’ll be a battle to get him dressed and to leave the house, and he’ll complain all the way there. He will probably upset his siblings while we’re there too and hurt someone, so his screen ban will be extended.

I dislike him a lot of the time.

Good luck with your trip out! We have already had a warning that if he does that one thing his ipad will go away and he looked me in the eye and did it. So the iPad goes away and he is seemingly surprised and upset.

@Canasta12 - yes the constant noise is so so draining. Hurrah for melatonin though, this was life changing here.

Ladyj84 I am so pleased for you that your behaviour modification techniques have been successful but please remember that people like me have honestly tried many many things and are now venting. If it were just a case of not treating them like NT children we would have cracked it long ago.

That sounds so hard OP, I hope medication helps - I know a lot of people (adults and children) find it lifechanging.

What about aiming to keep him busy and the siblings separate? Are there any holiday clubs you can book him in to for half term?

The OP is getting ready to go out and give him something to do.

Honestly people, our children are uniquely challenging . Simple parenting solutions have already been tried 🙂

@HumphreyCobblers what do you mean “our children are uniquely challenging”?

I suppose I mean that offering simple one sentence solutions won't work?

And are a bit patronising when people are at the end of their tether?

Ahhh I would say a brief response gives the OP an idea and if they want to pursue that avenue they will then respond to it and a longer response tends to sound a bit like a lecture. We all communicate differently. It helps imo to focus on the trigger for undesirable behaviour rather than the result.

I could have written this. 8 year old adhd Autistic, not been in school since June. I have had to be home with him full time. Can't take him out on my own as he runs off, has no danger awareness and will not manage without the higher level of support of at least 2 adults. He is bored but doesn't want to do anything!!! He is starting specialist school next week which I am hoping will improve things. I love him dearly but he has been stuck to me for ages now, I can't even clean the bathroom without him there. I hope you find some support, it is hard but a good nights sleep works wonders.

I do see what you mean, I suppose what I mean is that a thread like this is about a release of tension for the OP rather than a behavioural based intervention being needed.

Parents like us have tried everything and continue to try everything until we find the thing that works or until we realise we can only modify behaviour so far.

@HumphreyCobblers thats fine, and for some it is just a rant and an offload and for others practical advice can be a real help in a dark moment. There’s room for both types of response and really no need to police other posters input. I’m not sure what “parents like us” is implying. You may empathise with OP but you really can’t judge what she or any other poster is “like”.

Thank you @HumphreyCobblers ! And as if I even didn’t give him suggestions of what to do in the meantime - books, Lego, GETTING DRESSED LIKE IVE ASKED AND LIKE HIS 4 YEAR OLD SIBLING HAS MANAGED TO DO. Excuse the caps lock, it’s better to vent here than to shout at him!

@namechangeFeb24 what support are you accessing?

Most areas will have peer support groups for carers of those with neurodiversity. Often, there's an ASD/ADHD crossover with these, so your local branch of the National Autistic Society might be able to point you in the right direction. There's often different opportunities, such as training/information sessions, activities for families and - the one I find most worthwhile - peer support, as often just having a group of people who understand and live the same kind of life can be massively helpful.

Did CAMHS give you any of this information upon diagnosis?

I think I was trying to protect the OP from a simplistic and patronising response? Because I know how irritating and upsetting it is to have people offer the "obvious" solution to a problem whe you have tried everything.

But I take your point that I was policing your kind offer of support that you meant in good faith.

Sounds very much like pathological demand avoidance. Can be very common with autism and adhd.

Why on earth would you have a dog in this scenario - get it rehomed!

"Getting dressed" can be too wide an instruction at times. Break it down - "I need you to go and choose one outfit and one set of underwear please" "thank you, now I'd like you go and wash your pits and bits and put on these fresh clothes you've chosen", "fantastic, now go pop your pyjamas in the laundry basket" and so on. Praise at every step. If he's stumbling or stuck at one step, ask him if there's anything he needs help with or that you can do to make things easier for him. Maybe he would find it helpful for you to pick out his clothes, maybe he'd like a written list of steps, maybe a laundry basket in his bedroom.... he might have an idea, and getting his input will make him feel valued.

Veronicaisaflower funnily enough he has never done this before so I couldn't anticipate he would do it then. Our solution is now to remove chocolate cake from the house (we already have no actual chocolate due to the fact that ds steals it constantly).

So the problem has been solved and we won't be getting rid of the dog.

If your DS is reacting negatively to a ban on screens it's because he's been using screens to get his dopamine. Try and look at other ways he can get this, any special interests for example?

I hate the way screens are used to give children dopamine - I understand WHY as a parent of a ND child and someone who works with ND children - but children should be encouraged to use other ways to self regulate and this needs to be put in place by parents. But with parents getting a lack of support to achieve this, and feeling exhausted with balancing everything else in life incl their own mental health needs, screens are a quick fix.

Have you spoken to school SENDCO to get support? Can they sign post you to local groups of parents with ND children? Local SEN schools sometimes run courses or have evening events with speakers - worth looking into. Sensory circuits - some children need to feel physical pressure from a inflated yoga ball (like a massage) or have hanging bars or ropes to pull themselves up on, or carry weighted items in a ruck sack. Weighted blankets are sometimes used in class.

If you haven't yet, lots of resources are on here: www.adhdfoundation.org.uk

@namechangeFeb24 I post mostly on the SN boards and my child is a bit older. There’s tons of focused support from lots of people who’ve been there and done that over there (and a fair bit of venting too). It’s frustrating for you that ds is bored and hasn’t done any of the things you’ve suggested that would have avoided that and the resulting behaviour. I think it’s the key to a better atmosphere though and he isn’t miraculously going to get it and be able to manage that bit of the day. I’m sorry if like pp you didn’t appreciate my input. To be honest I’m a bit hurt by being characterised the way I have been. I really hope it gets better for you and you have a good day.

Good post from @kittensinthekitchen

Executive functioning is very much an issue in ND children - every task needs to be broken down and explicitly stated in simple clear language.

(Whilst I appreciate for some parents that this may seem an obvious step and I'm teaching you to suck eggs, I don't know what steps you have tried or not and this may be helpful to those who haven't considered this.)

My 2 DS's both had ADHD. The elder son medicated at 10 because we were very wary of the medication. The medication worked and he became calmer and less angry overnight. Consequently we agreed that our younger son medicated from 6. Consultant at the time, although this is now many years ago, warned us not to allow laptops or gaming at all, a total ban, as he said neurodivergent DC usually became addicted more easily than neurotypical DC. We followed his advice and introduced far more sport to burn off some of their excess energy. I bought a trampoline for the garden on advice of our consultant and he suggested DC bounced for 20 mins every morning before school. To our surprise it did seem to help. I was also told instead of issuing something as a punishment eg you will lose sweets if badly behaved instead phrase to child you can earn sweets by being good rather than you will lose sweets by misbehaving. The default position is DC has nothing, no sweets. If they want something they earn it. To the child it feels like they have more control. Work out what they like. My DS's both liked Pokémon cards. If you behave when we have to go food shopping I will give you 3 Pokémon cards each. If you pick up toys before bed I will give you 2 Pokémon cards. If Toys were not picked up no punishment or comment but no cards offered.

Children behave "badly" when they feel bad and don't have the ability to do better. You're viewing all of his struggles as this poor boy being a bad person that needs punishing, instead of a child who doesn't have the neural capacity to naturally do things differently. He needs to be explicitly taught to understand his emotions, reactions and responses, and guided and supported to behave differently. Punishment does the absolute opposite and makes everything worse. How does he feel loved? What makes him happy? What makes him feel supported and comforted? What does he enjoy?

Does he have PDA? Is school distressing and difficult for him? What are the factors around changing clothes that are so triggering - the sensory issues, the changes, the executive function required? What support does he get with these? Have you tried occupational therapy with an autism-affirming therapist? If you don't have it in person, do you follow any autism-affirming professionals on social media?

Please seek therapy if you can, individual and family. If you're open minded about changing your own perspective rather than "fixing" your child, only a few sessions could make a huge positive difference. Someone can help you to understand your son and help him, and deal with your own reactions and feelings. I'm sorry you don't like your child, you deserve professional support with that. This will affect him forever, his relationships, his self-identity, self-worth, his physical health, his ability to cope with anything in life. The suicide rate is so much higher in ND people. PP have already explained that children know they're different and that their mother doesn't like them.

Can I just say that I don't act like I dislike my child when internally I am struggling?

I honestly love him to bits and my whole entire life is spent trying to ensure his life chances are the best they can possibly be.

When it gets really hard I, like the OP, vent to friends or maybe post on mumsnet. We also have a strategy in our house where we can see the other parent fraying at the edges we take over to give them some respite in the immediate situation.

My ds has a learning disability as well as asd and PANS, so our situation will be different to some others but we are all doing our best.

Sageseashells your post is excellent but - I can only speak for myself but I am NOT viewing this as deliberate bad behaviour from my child but I AM struggling with the effect the continuous negative behaviour has on me. I too am human with human emotions. The effort it takes me to see past the behaviour to the person is what parents like me struggle with and what we sometimes need support with.

To be consistently positive and encouraging around a child who is continually oppositional to the point of hurting other people is the hardest thing I have ever done but I do it. And sometimes I moan about it and cry about it and am sad about what my life has become. I think personally that is what this thread is about.

As a ND adult can I beg of you please please do not paint him into the role of “the bad one” or “the naughty one” or whatever you say. He has huge struggles to function or feel the way anyone wants him to. It is hard for everyone but the more you tell him off the worse it will get.

imagine feeling a certain way, or acting a certain way, that you feel is normal but everyone tells you off for it. ALL THE TIME.

my best suggestion would be treating this side of him like you would a 2 year old. Name feelings, divert attention, etc. let him go out in pyjamas if that helps.

youre blaming him but you’ve actually said his dad doesn’t get so triggered and therefore doesn’t shout/tell him off whatever, and therefore has a better relationship. Your son is not going to change so you have to. If you want a good relationship with him.

just remember the aim. And if your husband gets along easier with him make him do the shit stuff like showers/getting dressed. You just do some fun alone time with him - go to a trampoline park or something.

not saying it doesn’t suck - and I get it as I’m the same, I get so frustrated whereas my partner just shrugs. are you neurodivergent too?

very sucky but it will change. Just don’t be the person telling him his wrong and eventually you’ll have a good relationship.