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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to tell friends DH she is shagging a guy at the Gym?

70 replies

MrsBooBaLu · 22/03/2008 18:15

or should I mind my own? He is a lovely sweet guy (her DH that is) so feel really sorry for him. They have 3 young DC's all under the age of 6. Would you tell or not??

OP posts:
3NAB · 22/03/2008 18:18

I had to reread that. Thought the DH was shagging a man.

Was going to say tell her to knock it off or you will tell him but then not sure it is any of your business tbh.

NatalieJane · 22/03/2008 18:18

Does she know you know?

Tis always a tricky one, you don't want to be the one to be shot down for 'causing' the trouble, but then, if it was you being cheated on, would you want to know?

arthursmum · 22/03/2008 18:20

Wow, what an awful thing for you to have to be privy too. Is she asking you to cover for her while she is with the other man? If so, I would definitely tell her that you are not prepared to go along with it, but as far as telling her DH goes, it may not be up to you. Are you very close to him, i.e. is he your friend as much as she is?

WallOfSilence · 22/03/2008 18:20

Leave well alone.

WanderingTrollegg · 22/03/2008 18:21

No. Pretend you don't know. Getting involved never works out well for anyone - if they split up you'll cop the blame and if they stay together you'll be a reminder of How Things Went Wrong and they won't be able to bear looking at you.

Say nothing.

Flight · 22/03/2008 18:21

I'd want to know, personally, but you can't be the one to tell him, if you wish to keep her friendship.

If you're not bothered, tell him, but it is usually best for the innocent party to hear it from their spouse rather than a friend.

(Or so I read)

NotDoingTheHousework · 22/03/2008 18:21

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MadameCh0let · 22/03/2008 18:22

Why would you want to tell him?? It may be wrong, what she's doing, but he'll never thank the messanger, and it will hurt him.

If she's your friend, why would you want to see her World implode like this?

Having lived with a sh1t man for years I wouldn't risk losing a good one if I had one, but still, in your shoes I'd still say nothing. Maybe hint that you'd heard through the grapevine that somebody fancied her husband! Might make her see him with fresh eyes..

anorak · 22/03/2008 18:22

Yes I agree with others who say none of your business. Although I do understand and agree with you that it's wrong. But stay out of it.

Original poster
MrsBooBaLu · 22/03/2008 18:23

No, I am not particularly close to her DH but he is a nice guy. She hasn't asked me to cover for her but told me about the affair. I don't know where she finds the time or energy with 3 young DC's tbh. I was thinking of sending an anonamous letter to him? would that be bad?

OP posts:
NotDoingTheHousework · 22/03/2008 18:23

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WanderingTrollegg · 22/03/2008 18:24

Yes it would be a total disaster.

Tell her you're pretending she never heard you, you'll assume she's come toher senses andyou want to hear NOTHING about the affair.

REally, sa y nowt.

NotDoingTheHousework · 22/03/2008 18:25

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3NAB · 22/03/2008 18:26

Why would you want to do that?

Refuse to discuss it with her and stay out of it.

Do you fancy her DH?

Original poster
MrsBooBaLu · 22/03/2008 18:26

I guess I am looking at it that if my DH was having an affair, I would want to know so I could leave the git and find someone nicer.

OP posts:
littlelapin · 22/03/2008 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadameCh0let · 22/03/2008 18:27

Why would you even contemplate sending an anonymous letter?!

How would that make the guy feel? That he was the last to know. Perhaps he senses her attention is elsewhere and that is part of problems they'll work through, but as soon as he thinks everybody else knows, he'll be humiliated and won't be so prepared to give her a second chance.

If you say anything, say it to HER. Don't threaten her. Just say to her that her husband is a good guy and they don't grow on trees.

Don't leave three kids with a weekend Dad just because you wanted to do the right thing! I say that as a single Mum, no offence meant to anyone. My children don't see their Dad too often.

Original poster
MrsBooBaLu · 22/03/2008 18:29

I can assure you I am not the wife. I would never have an affair, and if I ever felt I needed to I would tell my DH how I felt so we could work things out.

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 22/03/2008 18:29

Would your friend's dh leaving be in the best interests of the 3 dc? I agree with 3NAB.

littlelapin · 22/03/2008 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flight · 22/03/2008 18:30

I'm not sure here. People who are being hceated on have a right to know. The way in which it is done is a bit more of a minefield.

I have known various people whose husbands were cheating.
One said she was told by an anonymous letter. He later did it again and just because they stayed together initially, didn't make him stop. They divorced, she is happily remarried.

The other was different - her friends knew about it for years before one of them had the decency to tell her. That was the hardest thing, I believe, for her. Knowing that others had known, and not told her, made her feel totally alone and as though everyone was laughing at her or thought she was stupid.

They had counselling but it didn't work and they divorced - now both happily remarried.

I know that if it were happening to me I would want someone to gently find me in a quiet moment and say, 'Look I am so sorry but I think I have to tell you this'.

That's just me though.

MadameCh0let · 22/03/2008 18:32

Mrs Boo. Your optimism is delightful. I assure you it's not that easier to just swan off into the horizon and find somebody nicer..........

Original poster
MrsBooBaLu · 22/03/2008 18:32

Littlelapin, I hve namechanged because she posts on here (not very often from what she tells me) but wanted to play it safe.

OP posts:
Flight · 22/03/2008 18:32

I think the anonymous letter was really upsetting actually.

pedilia · 22/03/2008 18:32

I was in this position( after discovering my own DH was having an affair) I then found out my friends DH was having an affair, I didn't say anything to her, even though I would have wanted to know.

Years ago i told a friend after I discovered her boyfriend was having an affair, we fell out for a long time because he denied it and she thought i was s**t stirring so I swore I would never do it again!