To be embarrassed that I'm 50 with a 9 year old

[AshdownForest]

I was 40 when I had my second child. I'm 50 now. She is 9 now, and turns 10 in a couple of months.
Just help.
I'm having an absolute crisis.
I am sooooooo embarrassed for my daughter's sake that she is only 9, soon to be 10, and I am FIFTY!!!
She must think I'm so old!
When I got pregnant at 39, I felt so young and excited to be pregnant. And when I had her at 40 I didn't even bat an eyelid at my age. I was just so ecstatic to have her and I felt so young that I didn't think about my age. I had fertility problems with my first child so we became parents 3 years later than we'd planned. Then it took 6 months to conceive naturally second time round and it meant that my second child was born when I was 40. I never thought I'd have a baby as late as 40 but plans didn't turn out the way we thought they would.
Anyway, all through my 40s, my age had never bothered me.
But suddenly I've hit 50 and I'm thinking holy shit, I'm FIFTY with a tiny little girl!
I suddenly feel like I must be an embarrassment to her (never felt this before now). I feel I've let her down. I feel I've set her up for losing her mother when she's still a young adult. I won't be here when she's my age.
And she idolises me. I mean she absolutely dotes on me. Covers me in kisses and cuddles and gives me dazzling smiles all the time and basically tells me every single day that she loves me and that I'm her world. She says she's happiest when she's with me. And we have the most lovely time imaginable together. She's the best company ever. She is sooooooo kind. Soooooo sweet. So funny, creative, imaginative, caring, engaging, interesting and interested in everything and everyone around her. She's thankful and grateful and charming. Everyone who meets her tells me she's adorable. And she's as good as gold. So well behaved. She's a dream come true.
So I feel terrible that such a wonderful little spirit has such an old mother. I feel really selfish.
I don't look 50. I definitely do not feel 50!!! I feel so young! I am fit, active, have plenty of energy. Someone recently asked me my age, who's known me for a while, and as an experiment I said "I'm 45". They said "45? Really! I thought you were 40!" I confessed and said "Not really, I just turned 50" and they started laughing, saying "Yeah, right".
But the fact is, I am bloody 50.
And I'm shitting myself about it.
Because I'm so worried I've let my little girl down by having her at 40.
She didn't ask to be born to an old mother.
And I never thought this far ahead when I got pregnant at 39.
Please be kind to me.....I'm literally having a panic attack over this.

My mum was 39 when she had my brother. This was in the 1970s.
We grew up in a very rural community.
It's not new.
They've always been very close, their relationship is lovely.

I read what you said about wanting to be around for her for as long as you can. Thar's a beautiful sentiment.
Look after yourself, stay fit and healthy.

@AshdownForest I think this is more about turning 50 than it is that you are 40 years older than your dd.

Please remember in many circles, many people have children at 40 for many reasons including infertility, previous losses, singleness etc. I actually have more friends that had children in their 40's than 20's. Also this isn't a modern thing, in previous generations people had children well into their 40's too, it was just that it was their 5, 6, 7th etc. Both of my grannies had their last children in their 40's.

I think turning 50 can be a bit of an emotional time for people. There is something about 50 and life expectancy that has hit some of my friends hard. Take good care to just let yourself feel what you do. But please don't be embarrassed to be your dc's mum!

If it helps I felt awful for having my first DD at 20. I was always the youngest mum, we didn’t have a fancy home like everyone else and her experience was just different to her friends. Most of her friends parents were late 30s to mid 40s. You are not that much of an anomaly.

I realised that none of that mattered as she began having friends over and when I was driving some of them around I would overhear their conversations. No matter our age we will always be seen as mum. They will always adore us (well sounds like yours does). We will always embarrass them with something (I’ve embarrassed by DD many times) and they will always show pride in us for other things.

You are in her life now and that is all you should be focusing on.

However it does sound like you’re having somewhat of a crisis about turning 50 and what that means. Today 50 is still young - especially if you are healthy, can get about etc.

Don't fuss about your age. Your daughter doesn't need to pick up on your anxiety about your age.
You are obviously a very loving mother and your girl is lucky.
Put your anxious energy into keeping well and fit.
You want to stay around for as long as possible...

Health is everything.

Have a yearly check up.
Don't forget your annual bowel and skin cancer screen, your smear and mamograms when they come due.
Keep your vaccination schedule up to date.
Dental check ups evry six months.
Drink enough water.
Eat fresh food based on a Mediteranian or Spanish diet.
Fish, whole grains, vegetables, lean meat, fruits, olive oil.
Keep a healthy weight.
Exercise for part of every day.
Don't smoke.
Drink alcohol sparingly and eat junk food sparingly.
Keep meeting your social groups.
Be creative and charitable.
Meditate and spend time in nature.
Sing, swim, ride, laugh and enjoy problem solving games.

Age is a number.

You are as old as your toungue and a little older than your teeth and any age can be a fruitful, purposeful, active and enjoyable time.

Loads of people have dc in their 40s. I had mine in my 20s, and they're still embarrassed by me.

Don't be I'm sure you're an amazing mum

@DilemmaAtWork

What a stupid thing to say. I've got 2 friends that lost their mums in their 20's, neither had their kids in their 40's

It's a lottery

I had my one and only at 43. I don't care that she'll be 7 when I'm 50. Measuring anything by how many times you've been around the sun is arbitrary at best.

50 isn't old, and nothing is guaranteed in life e.g my husband's mum died when he was a child, and mine in my 30s and they had children in their 20s. The most important thing is loving your daughter and being the best parent you can. Nothing else matters.

I'm in the exact same situation as you, 54 with a 15 and 13 year old. I was 39 with my first, 41 with my second and although I would like to be younger, my children are happy. My youngest is the same as yours, very close to me, we spend a lot of time together and my relationship with both my girls is lovely.

I know they won't have me as long as I'd hope but you can't guarantee a woman in her 20s will live to an age old enough for her children to be middle aged - there's so many accidents/diseases etc that could rob them of their life. Enjoy what you have with your children, make precious memories together and you and they will have a great life.

My mum and dad had me at 42, I never once felt embarrassed by them.

My Mum had my youngest sister at 39. Sister just turned 21 and has a great relationship with my mum.

I was 10 when my mum turned 50, and it never once crossed my mind. She was an amazing mum and I never felt embarrassed of her age at all. I felt nothing but grateful to have a lovely mum x

OP I am going to share a very personal story with you and I hope you take it in the kindly way in which it is intended.

I am 46 and have an 11 year old and a 5 year old, who are about to turn 12 and 6. We had secondary infertility with our second, hence the age gap. I had our second when I was 40. They are both wonderful, brilliant beautiful girls whom I am so proud of. I can’t imagine being without them.

In December last year I suffered a random seizure and, following months of tests, it seems I have some form of brain cancer, most likely secondary brain cancer or aggressive brain tumours (biopsy results awaited). In short, it is not likely that I will live very much longer. The hardest part of all of this for me is knowing that I will leave my beautiful girls without a mother. I would do anything to change that, but I know I can’t.

You have the opportunity to love, cherish and appreciate your girls every day for what will hopefully be a long and productive life. Please, please make the most of that wonderful opportunity and don’t get hung up on things you can’t change.

Like I say, these words are meant in a kindly manner and I hope I haven’t caused offence; that certainly wasn’t my intention. It’s just that I would do anything to have longer with my girls.

Dsis was born when our DM was 39. Then it was very unusual. DM is now late 80's, Dsis late 40's.

DM's age has never been an issue for either of us

It's not unusual these days. Please don't worry about it just enjoy DD x

I don't think it's unusual, the only part I agree with is about children born to older parents losing them young. I lost my dad in my 40s and there's no way I could have dealt with the grief in my 20s or even 30s. I think having a sibling is better than being an only child in that situation though.

I was 52 with a 10 yr old. We are both now 5 yrs older and it's still fine.

I think it's pretty normal in this day to be in your 50's and have a teenager.

Certainly in my job which is very female orientated I'm almost an outlier having had my ds in my 20's!

Most woman my age have young children and most who have teens like me (mines 19 now!) are a decade or so older than me.

Woman are having children between 30 and 40 more often now unlike when I grew up and most of our mums had us in our 20's.

She loves you. You love her. That's all that matters. Age is just a number.

I was 37 when I had my dd through ivf after a couple of failed attempts and a few years of ttc prior. A lot of the mums I know are older mums. My friends are a similar age to me with kids of a similar age.

My dd became increasingly embarrassed of me from the age of 13. She’s 15 and particularly sensitive on this front in comparison to her peers. We went through a bit of a thing about it last year as she was getting really controlling of me (recurrent theme). I am not a well woman so it’s hard when you have a child with a very strong personality.

Dd’s friends otoh see me as open and caring. They talk to me as does my dd to some / all of her friend’s parents. None of these parents are particularly young either apart from one, who is a stepmum and she’s totally on it with her step children’s education. Apart from having a load more energy than me, she doesn’t act any younger. If anything she’s far, far stricter.

We are slowly getting over the embarrassing thing, I have lost a fair amount of weight and my stomach, which has suffered several major surgeries is starting to heal more so can dress more on trend rather than baggy leggings and dresses over the top. I have also interested myself in very current teen music… I was too ill for many years to even listen to music so I’ve come a long way this past year. She’d still be totally happy for me to lock myself in the bedroom (where I spend a lot of time due to chronic illness) and only come out to feed her and taxi her around.

I am now ‘allowed’ to speak to boys lol. Dd dated 2 for about a matter of weeks a piece last year and there were ructions about how I did or didn’t behave or what I should or shouldn’t say. I got really pissed off in the end and learned multi cultural London English (aka roadman) so I can spout that in front of friends / boys or friends if she’s particularly obnoxious… she’s very preppy these days so it’s a total embarrassment lol. She recently had a few friends over and I told her to be careful as roadman was coming. One of the boys piped up ‘oh yeh, my mum does that’ lol. So I looked at dd and told her to ‘allow it’, which made the kids laugh.

Much as I’m not a well woman, the energy I exude (when I have it) is quite young. Age is a mindset. My fil was early 60s when we met. He’s now mid 80s. He’s always been very, very old. Dh blasts music in the car and so do I when well enough. Dh has always loved rap.

I am so sorry. Big hugs to your dds.

I'll be honest and say I have had similar thoughts OP (had a very long history of fertility problems including IVF to have my first child at 36 - then had a complete surprise second without even trying at 42). Even though I would be the first to say all the rational arguments back to you I do actually dwell on the irrational points myself. I actually think my uneasiness in life is actually linked to 'big' birthdays (my 50th is rapidly looming much quicker than I'd like !) and the realisation that life goes by so quickly ....

40 isn't even that old to have a baby nowadays. I was going to have a baby at 41 so I'd have been in the same boat as you. I even had a dream that an Angel brought him to visit me. He'd have been 7 now.

Why would you waste time worrying about something like this when there's sod all you can do to change it anyway?

No personal experience as I had mine young but soooo many people I've met over the last 12 years had their DC around 40 - your DD sounds very lucky. I'm 38 now and a very good friend same age has just celebrated her parents 80th birthdays - both mine died ages ago and were a lot younger. No guarantees . Enjoy her

My nan had my uncle at 39 (a bit of a surprise). He is now 52 and she is 91 and going strong. His kids are early 20s. So you can't assume you will die when she is a young adult. Nearly all my friends are mid to late 40s with primary aged kids. I see it as the norm.

When I'm 50, DS will be 10 and DD will be 7.
I honestly won't think twice about it.
I love them more than anything and they have the most wonderful life imaginable.

I'm a Social Worker, I certainly don't feel in any way sorry for my children knowing how others live.