To be embarrassed that I'm 50 with a 9 year old

[AshdownForest]

I was 40 when I had my second child. I'm 50 now. She is 9 now, and turns 10 in a couple of months.
Just help.
I'm having an absolute crisis.
I am sooooooo embarrassed for my daughter's sake that she is only 9, soon to be 10, and I am FIFTY!!!
She must think I'm so old!
When I got pregnant at 39, I felt so young and excited to be pregnant. And when I had her at 40 I didn't even bat an eyelid at my age. I was just so ecstatic to have her and I felt so young that I didn't think about my age. I had fertility problems with my first child so we became parents 3 years later than we'd planned. Then it took 6 months to conceive naturally second time round and it meant that my second child was born when I was 40. I never thought I'd have a baby as late as 40 but plans didn't turn out the way we thought they would.
Anyway, all through my 40s, my age had never bothered me.
But suddenly I've hit 50 and I'm thinking holy shit, I'm FIFTY with a tiny little girl!
I suddenly feel like I must be an embarrassment to her (never felt this before now). I feel I've let her down. I feel I've set her up for losing her mother when she's still a young adult. I won't be here when she's my age.
And she idolises me. I mean she absolutely dotes on me. Covers me in kisses and cuddles and gives me dazzling smiles all the time and basically tells me every single day that she loves me and that I'm her world. She says she's happiest when she's with me. And we have the most lovely time imaginable together. She's the best company ever. She is sooooooo kind. Soooooo sweet. So funny, creative, imaginative, caring, engaging, interesting and interested in everything and everyone around her. She's thankful and grateful and charming. Everyone who meets her tells me she's adorable. And she's as good as gold. So well behaved. She's a dream come true.
So I feel terrible that such a wonderful little spirit has such an old mother. I feel really selfish.
I don't look 50. I definitely do not feel 50!!! I feel so young! I am fit, active, have plenty of energy. Someone recently asked me my age, who's known me for a while, and as an experiment I said "I'm 45". They said "45? Really! I thought you were 40!" I confessed and said "Not really, I just turned 50" and they started laughing, saying "Yeah, right".
But the fact is, I am bloody 50.
And I'm shitting myself about it.
Because I'm so worried I've let my little girl down by having her at 40.
She didn't ask to be born to an old mother.
And I never thought this far ahead when I got pregnant at 39.
Please be kind to me.....I'm literally having a panic attack over this.

I'll be 53 when my youngest is 9 - doesn't bother me at all

I see a lot of older parents at school these days

I had my first at 38 and my second six weeks before my 42nd birthday. It has never been an issue. There have been comments at school about me because I'm not British but never about my age.

I was 38 when I had my second. Not bothered at all. My friend was 45 when she gave birth, most people I know had kids a bit later. I'll never regret it, meant I got to build my career and really live my life first. Do I wish I had more energy? Yeah but most parents I know are knackered!

Oh and DH's mum had him at 21...and sadly passed away when he was 16. There are no guarantees. You sound like a wonderful mum who's keeping healthy for her girl.

I'm 49 with a 12 year old and 50 this year , I think turning 50 has been a bit of a worry for me , I've had similar thoughts to you , I've also got adult children and ima single parent , I think that helps calm me as I know if worse case scenario she has family she could live with.
Honestly you sound like a great mum with a lovely relationship with your daughter , I think that's much more important than how old you are

Oh @laspo my heart breaks for you, it really and truly does.
I hope you have the right support you need, and when the time comes I recommend Winston's Wish and Daisy's Dream for helping to explain the processes of things to the girls. Also, memory boxes and the one I hear most, bank your voice (there are websites that do it now) or voice notes come in handy. You are an amazing amazing lady, and this is insanely bad luck, you and your wonderful family did not deserve it.
❤️❤️

Eh? I’m 50 this year with a just turned 10 year old. I do not relate to your post in any way. No issues here. Sure, I’m older than some of her friends Mums, but so what? 🤷‍♀️

My dh mum and dad were 40 when they had him and lived into their late 70s early 80s. He never felt his mum was old. Stop overthinking and you can't do anything about it now.
When I look back I was waaaay too young having my first but nothing I can do about it. You don't see teen girls so much having babies now but when I do see one with a fresh face and tiny bump busting out of their belly top I always feel a flush of sympathy for what will unfold. A pregnant mum aged 40 I wouldn't bat an eye lid.

Probably because the older child is a teen and high school. It seems relatively normal to have a teen in secondary when your 50.

50 with a under 10 halfway through primary seems really old. I'm having the same midlife crisis as op.

To give you a slightly different take, OP, I'm in my early 50s now and my parents are early 80s. However, they're a very, very old early 80s. Their contemporaries live independently, are very mobile, often still driving and live active lives. My mum thinks a long walk is going from the bathroom to the living room. It's horrible to watch for many reasons but in part because I know that had my parents looked after themselves better, they'd be finding things easier now. But it's also difficult to look after ageing parents when you're heading deeper into middle age yourself.

So don't beat yourself up about something you cannot change. Concentrate on being a good mother. Try to look after your health and make decisions that make old age less difficult. As you age, make sure you live near reasonable facilities and somewhere your children can visit, if they want to. It takes me 24 hours to get to see my parents, because they live in an isolated rural spot in another country, and that's their choice. You can't control your age. You can make sensible decisions, so do that.

Yes @Tessisme, that's completely correct. I don't feel this about my eldest daughter, whom I completely adore, but she is already a teenager! I'm not so old for her.

I had my last child at 42, so he was 8 when I turned 50. It has never been an issue with anyone. This is very much about you, not your daughter. Just enjoy having her and stop feeling embarrassed about age.

I’m 50 and my children are 8,6 and 4! All biological not adopted.

Doesn’t bother me at all! In fact I never even think about it.

I live in the SE so commuting distance to London and many many parents at my children’s primary school are in their 40’s, I can honestly say there aren’t any parents in their three classes (that I know of) that are 35 or under. In my daughters class year 3 (aged 7-8) there are at least 7 mums around the 50 mark.

I think this has more to do with your feeling around turning 50 which I found SO hard! Society isn’t kind to women and ageing is hard.

In 10 years you’ll be wishing you could turn back the clock and be 50 😊

I don’t think 40 is an uncommon age to become a mother infact i expect i will have my second around then if I have another! Honestly op just ignore your age- it’s irrelevant. Look after your health for everyone’s benefit xxx

My DC are Middle aged now. In the 80s there were some parents in their 50s with DC in KS1. Now it’s far more commonplace.

There are pros and cons to parenting at any age. You are likely to be more financial secure, mature, patient, have the life experience to know what really matters. Your DD is loved, happy, thriving and adores you. 50 these days is not like 50 in past generations. I have siblings and friends in their 70s who are walking up fells, interrailing round Europe, riding bikes. Some have had joint replacements and have a few health problems but nothing that stops them being active, engaged with life and busy. I have a genetic condition that means I have never had the physical strength to be very active. I know young parents who are unfit, do very little with their DC and are on their phones most of the time and put very little into their own or their DCs lives.

Enjoy your DD. Longevity is a total lottery. Every day, babies, kids, teens, young adults, lose their lives or have life changing illnesses or injury, while others are living independently and are sharp as tacks in their 90s. My neighbour met ‘The love of her life in her mid 80s’. You haven’t let her down and having kids under 10 in your late 40s and 50s is not a rare thing anymore.m

I had dc at a similar age to you.

They genuinely keep you young.

A mum I didn't know rushed up to me once as if she had some news to share and said: omg, I just saw your DOB in the school office. I had no idea you were SO OLD. I hope I look that good at your age. THen she rushed off again

There are so many things to feel embarrassed about in life - stupid things we say or do. Our age isn't one of them.

It’s really no exaggeration to say that not one of the mothers I work with had a baby before 38 and most were over 40.

It’s simply not an issue, so stop making it one!

Sorry you’re feeling like this but do you suffer from anxiety? This is the sort of thing I would fixate on before I went onto medication.

I don't think kids actually notice/care what their parents age is, they just know what they know. I had my oldest son at 26, and he has a friend who was born to a mother in her 40's.

The only time it came up was when for some reason my son mentioned to the child of older parents it was my 37th birthday, and he replied in a shocked sounding voice - "Your mum's 37? But my parents are 50's..??" I think he just assumed everyone parents were also in their 50s'!

His other good friend has a mother who was a teenager when he was born, but my son has never been like "Wow, she's so young!" I think to the kids we are just all mum-aged people haha!

I wouldn't be concerned about her losing you when she is young . With a 40 year age difference you'd have to pass away at about 60 for that to happen . Stop stressing about this and enjoy your daughter - the only person who is worrying about this is you .

OP, I don't think you need to sweat over it TBH.

I honestly think once you hit 45, the numbers are irrelevant. It is how you age.
I am the oldest out of all my friends. I have 6 years on some of them. I am 54, and I have a 14 year old. I had him when I was 39.

I just had a massive medical and it was all glowing except for losing half a stone, big deal. I play loads of sport, I look after myself and my MH. A lot of my younger friends do not look after themselves and some already have health issues, or they are hurtling towards them.

A good example is my SIL. She loves to tell me that I am older than her (5 years). She uses it on me at every opportunity. The funny thing is, everyone thinks she is older than me, and older than my DH, her DB because she has never even run for a bus, and she is unhealthy.

It's just a number. One of my parents is nearly 90, and my in-laws are in their mid 70's and they are nowhere near as cognitively able, or as fit as my parent.

Don't be daft. I was 50 with a 5yo. 🙂 I've loved every moment. And you certainly aren't alone. Probably half of ds' reception class had mums in their mid 40s

A lot of people will be very envious of you. Plus she will keep you young, yet be at university before you retire.

Enjoy every moment.

I can relate but not in quite the way you might suppose as I DO feel my age. I feel OLD at 50 and no one is suggesting I’m 40 🤣

Do I regret having my kids? Nope. Do I wish I did it five years earlier? Yep.

What exactly is embarrassing? Sounds like you're turning 50 and feeling it and taken motherhood as the target?

My mom was 41 when she had me. I'm now 34 and she's 75. It's never been an issue or source of embarrassment. I've been embarrassed a lot and my parents have caused it at times, but that's due to their personalities 😅
If anything, my mum always said having me made her feel young. .

I was your daughter. Mum was 39 when I was born. My brother and sister were 12 and 10 years older than me. Didn’t bother me at all, she was my mum.
You’re not the only 50 year old with a nine year old child.