To be embarrassed that I'm 50 with a 9 year old

[AshdownForest]

I was 40 when I had my second child. I'm 50 now. She is 9 now, and turns 10 in a couple of months.
Just help.
I'm having an absolute crisis.
I am sooooooo embarrassed for my daughter's sake that she is only 9, soon to be 10, and I am FIFTY!!!
She must think I'm so old!
When I got pregnant at 39, I felt so young and excited to be pregnant. And when I had her at 40 I didn't even bat an eyelid at my age. I was just so ecstatic to have her and I felt so young that I didn't think about my age. I had fertility problems with my first child so we became parents 3 years later than we'd planned. Then it took 6 months to conceive naturally second time round and it meant that my second child was born when I was 40. I never thought I'd have a baby as late as 40 but plans didn't turn out the way we thought they would.
Anyway, all through my 40s, my age had never bothered me.
But suddenly I've hit 50 and I'm thinking holy shit, I'm FIFTY with a tiny little girl!
I suddenly feel like I must be an embarrassment to her (never felt this before now). I feel I've let her down. I feel I've set her up for losing her mother when she's still a young adult. I won't be here when she's my age.
And she idolises me. I mean she absolutely dotes on me. Covers me in kisses and cuddles and gives me dazzling smiles all the time and basically tells me every single day that she loves me and that I'm her world. She says she's happiest when she's with me. And we have the most lovely time imaginable together. She's the best company ever. She is sooooooo kind. Soooooo sweet. So funny, creative, imaginative, caring, engaging, interesting and interested in everything and everyone around her. She's thankful and grateful and charming. Everyone who meets her tells me she's adorable. And she's as good as gold. So well behaved. She's a dream come true.
So I feel terrible that such a wonderful little spirit has such an old mother. I feel really selfish.
I don't look 50. I definitely do not feel 50!!! I feel so young! I am fit, active, have plenty of energy. Someone recently asked me my age, who's known me for a while, and as an experiment I said "I'm 45". They said "45? Really! I thought you were 40!" I confessed and said "Not really, I just turned 50" and they started laughing, saying "Yeah, right".
But the fact is, I am bloody 50.
And I'm shitting myself about it.
Because I'm so worried I've let my little girl down by having her at 40.
She didn't ask to be born to an old mother.
And I never thought this far ahead when I got pregnant at 39.
Please be kind to me.....I'm literally having a panic attack over this.

My mum was 19 when she had me. I thought she was ancient.

all children think their parents are old regardless of the actual age gap.

I’m 56 and my youngest is 16. It never occurs to me to feel bad about it. Plenty of other parents are my age and plenty who are younger act much older than me!

A friend of mine had ‘young’ parents but they died in their 40s. My neighbour is 99 and still lives independently in her own home! No guarantees of anything, just do the best you can in the circumstances you are in. Enjoy life and forget about your age.

It really doesn't matter. She loves you for you.
I had my last child, now aged 17, when I was 45. Not bothered at all about my age, even asked me today whether I fancied going to a music festival together in the summer 😃
It will only become an issue if you make it into one. No one knows what's round the corner so just enjoy her and be thankful for what you have now.

Yes, your daughter will likely experience grief / loss much earlier in her life.

Not necessarily. My Mum had me at 36 (only 4 years younger than when the op had her dd), and lived till she was 95 and I was 59, so not particularly young! I was grateful I had my Mum for as long as I did, but I don’t think it’s necessarily unusual, as life expectancy has lengthened.

And also. My 9 year olds sons friends think I’m the youngest parent. Because my trainers are the coolest apparently.

Honestly anyone over 30 looks ancient to a 9 year old! They don’t differentiate.

And when they are teenagers. Everything we do will be sooooooo embarrassing. Embrace it!

Yes, your daughter will likely experience grief / loss much earlier in her life.

Comments like that are ridiculous and very mean. And just not correct.

Most mums who have children older are statistically more likely to live longer and be more healthy. And be more secure financially which also helps longevity.

Most kids born to younger mums will experience more poverty and less security and more likely to see their parents divorce. Many other negative risk factors including the mother being less experienced in work and education so the child doesn’t get as much support on that area. What is the biggest factor in whether a child does okay in school or jobs? The mothers level of education.

But I don’t go around telling younger mothers they are likely putting their kids through these potential negatives as there are plenty of positives and we are all individual!

And besides. A man can be 50 with a baby and I guarantee no one even blinks!

I'm in the same position. I had my youngest at 41. Whilst I was aware I was older than most at the school gates, it never occured to me to care or feel embarrassed.

It’s really not an issue.

I’m kind of in the same boat and funny enough I was just wondering earlier about how to handle it. I lost 4 babies and now I am so lucky to have 3 kids aged 8-10. My first - a girl was born 10 days before my 40th.

I never actually lied about my age but I always looked a bit younger and most of my friends/ school mum friends are around about 40/ early forties and my kids kinda assumed I was the same and I never corrected them when they say “Mums 40 - younger than Dad” Family rebeginning to on about my 50th later this year and I’m so sorry that my kids are going to be so upset when they find out 1) I haven’t told the truth 2) I’m a fraud 2)I’m 10 years loser to being not around. My daughter especially will be gutted.

Don't know how I’m going to handle this. Your daughter sounds an absolute gem and you sound like a great mum.

Yes, some parents do have kids without thought for the lives those kids will have.

Alcoholics, drug users, people who stay in violent toxic relationships, people who have numerous kids they can’t support emotionally or financially.

To accuse women who are secure and able to be a great mum as selfish just because they have a child at the later end of their childbearing life is nasty, IMO, as it is snug and condescending to lecture them on ordinary parental responsibilities.

I’ll say it again to match the number of insults you chucked out;
Nasty, smug, patronising.

I wonder if your life experience and nurture of her has anything to do with her behavior and nature ☺️

There are probably a lot of people struggling with fertility or who have never been able to have children for one reason or another, or who have not ended up with a living child, who see this thread as a punch to the gut and are wondering why on earth you'd be concerned about something so inconsequential.

Sorry I think you’re being incredibly shallow and narrow minded. You are not old at 50 not to have a 9 year old. It’s 2024 not 1920. Jees way to insult a tonne of women on mumsnet. Calm down and I mean that in the nicest possible way. There’s only you with the problem here in your mind. Your dd and everyone around you isn’t bothered or disgusted and nor should they be. You speak like you’ve just become a mum at 75.

What on earth is there to be "embarrassed" about? I understand that having an "older" parent can be tricky, as I was born to an older mother and was very aware growing up that my friends' mums all seemed younger, but in those days women in their fifties looked and acted far older than they do today. You said yourself that you're fit, active and look younger than your age, so what's the problem?
I was also 50 with a 9-year-old. She's now in her early 20s and lives abroad - and I've recently returned from spending a week with her, at her invitation. We had a fabulous time and she clearly isn't bothered by the fact that I'm in my 60s (and look it!). Nor have I ever felt "embarrassed" about being her mother at any age. The dictionary definition of "embarrassment" is "a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness" - why would anyone in your happy situation feel this? Sounds as though you're looking for a problem where there isn't one.

I’m the same age with a 6yo. I worry slightly about it, but as I tell her occasionally, better to have an older mom than her friends than her not be here at all!

She’s 9, she thinks everyone over 30 went to nursery with toddler T-Rexes

Don’t hide your age and don’t go on about it, it’s much more common to be an older parent now so she probably won’t think much of it. At some point she may fixate on it a bit - just as other kids might fixate they’ve got a much smaller house than their best mate, or they are the only kid in their close friendship group with no dad, or whatever.

No one universally likes getting older but focus on all the good things as much as you can.

Was this rather odd post created by AI ?

Don’t be ridiculous. She had a child at 41 not 71 ffs.

My dad was 40 when I was born. I didn’t even notice he was a slightly older parent until I was an adult. I highly doubt your daughter cares how old you are. You’re just her mum.

Calm down - no one is going to take you seriously if you resort to telling people to F off.

Of course some parents don’t plan. Is there any reason to think he OP didn’t? No. Is her daughter likely to orphaned under 30? No. So whatever you are angry about, it isn’t this thread. And breath..

You need to move where I am (Cambridge MA, USA). Most of my kids' friends were only children born to parents in their 40s. All are fine. (now in their 20s)

my MIL had children in her 20s and then children in her late 30s/early 40s. All grand.

Chillax OP.

If your child is 9 years old, you are about 9 years too late to be worrying about this.

It's bad for your child to feel embarrassment or convey it so you really need to get over it.

I had my second daughter at 38 and she's now 18. It's never crossed my mind to be embarrassed. You're wasting valuable memories and time even entertaining that thought. All my dds friends come to her house, hang here, chat to us, and not once has anyone commented to her that I'm old.

I have teenage daughters and would love to go back to the loving, good as gold days. Just for a while. Because I am actually living a nightmare
Please just enjoy her and stop wasting time with this silliness (I really do mean that gently and kindly!).

I turned 55 recently and have a 15yo. Strangely as he’s a tall teen I don’t feel the age disparity is so stark now, so can only say that the ‘50 with a 10year old’ shock will pass! I looked/felt young at the time (was running brownies and beavers, so camping/abseiling etc) but do feel the pressure NOT to look after myself and not look frumpy n fat so just joined the gym and lost a lot of weight.

That said, I think parents embarrass their kids no matter what the age group, young or old. It’s kind of in the job spec. (I used to tell my kids that when they turned 13 the government sent parents a booklet called ‘Parenting Teens: 1001 Ways to Embarrass your Kids’ … and they believed me for a while . 🤣)