To be embarrassed that I'm 50 with a 9 year old

[AshdownForest]

I was 40 when I had my second child. I'm 50 now. She is 9 now, and turns 10 in a couple of months.
Just help.
I'm having an absolute crisis.
I am sooooooo embarrassed for my daughter's sake that she is only 9, soon to be 10, and I am FIFTY!!!
She must think I'm so old!
When I got pregnant at 39, I felt so young and excited to be pregnant. And when I had her at 40 I didn't even bat an eyelid at my age. I was just so ecstatic to have her and I felt so young that I didn't think about my age. I had fertility problems with my first child so we became parents 3 years later than we'd planned. Then it took 6 months to conceive naturally second time round and it meant that my second child was born when I was 40. I never thought I'd have a baby as late as 40 but plans didn't turn out the way we thought they would.
Anyway, all through my 40s, my age had never bothered me.
But suddenly I've hit 50 and I'm thinking holy shit, I'm FIFTY with a tiny little girl!
I suddenly feel like I must be an embarrassment to her (never felt this before now). I feel I've let her down. I feel I've set her up for losing her mother when she's still a young adult. I won't be here when she's my age.
And she idolises me. I mean she absolutely dotes on me. Covers me in kisses and cuddles and gives me dazzling smiles all the time and basically tells me every single day that she loves me and that I'm her world. She says she's happiest when she's with me. And we have the most lovely time imaginable together. She's the best company ever. She is sooooooo kind. Soooooo sweet. So funny, creative, imaginative, caring, engaging, interesting and interested in everything and everyone around her. She's thankful and grateful and charming. Everyone who meets her tells me she's adorable. And she's as good as gold. So well behaved. She's a dream come true.
So I feel terrible that such a wonderful little spirit has such an old mother. I feel really selfish.
I don't look 50. I definitely do not feel 50!!! I feel so young! I am fit, active, have plenty of energy. Someone recently asked me my age, who's known me for a while, and as an experiment I said "I'm 45". They said "45? Really! I thought you were 40!" I confessed and said "Not really, I just turned 50" and they started laughing, saying "Yeah, right".
But the fact is, I am bloody 50.
And I'm shitting myself about it.
Because I'm so worried I've let my little girl down by having her at 40.
She didn't ask to be born to an old mother.
And I never thought this far ahead when I got pregnant at 39.
Please be kind to me.....I'm literally having a panic attack over this.

great response.

Maybe because the first child is a good bit older and therefore OP was considerably younger when she had them? Just a thought ...

My friend had her DC in her 20s, she died at the same age you gave birth and didn’t see her DC out of their teens. Nothing is guaranteed in life. Your daughter loves you, it doesn’t sound like she’s even slightly embarrassed about your age. You might be one of those people who live until they are 100 and still look and behave like they are in their 70s. I wouldn’t worry about it.

Don’t forget, as the human race evolves we are dying later! People used to die in their 40s, now you could likely live to 100.
so being aged 50 is really not what it used to be! As you say, you look young and feel young - so maybe you are actually young! Another half of your life to go :)

Don’t worry, you will likely be around well into your daughter’s adulthood and possibly see her turn 50. You really aren’t old and she won’t give a shit about your age. Sounds like you are fitter and healthier than many younger parents anyway.

I’m 60 with a 17 year old. There were 2 mothers older than me in his primary school class and 2 of my colleagues have 17 year olds and both are older than me, one by several years. I don’t think it’s uncommon. My ds and I have a great relationship although admittedly he’s been more tech savvy than me since he was about 3.

I was 43 when I had my youngest. I once asked (once they were a teen) if it was an issue or an embarrassment to them at school. They looked at me as if I had a screw loose and said ‘why would it be, you’re….you’.

Keep fit, active, curious about the world and take an interest in what young people are into. Attitude and failing to keep an open engaged mind are the biggest cause of seeming ‘old’.

I think the anxiety sounds more of a problem than having had a child during your normal natural childbearing years.

OP, I understand you’re panicking right now. So I’m going to say this with kindness: your panic is not allowing you to see the forest for the trees. I really want you to read that back. Your shelf is FULL of cards from people who love you… and you’re feeling dreadful because they say your age on them. As for your daughter, my parents died in their 90s. Which means I lost them in my mid-30s, as the people who raised me as my parents were actually my grandparents. Your child will be embarrassed of you for all the normal reasons children are embarrassed of their parents at any age, as many have said. I was never embarrassed of my parents for their age, though. Like others, I only wish I’d had decades more with them. And I wanted more than anything to have them here with me now - getting my terminal diagnosis after they were both gone and knowing I didn’t have the people I needed most, that there was no home to go home to, was… the hardest. If turning 50 panics you for your daughter, don’t worry about embarrassing her. What you SHOULD do is make sure all your check ups are up to date (breast exams, smear, etc), and then live as healthily as possible (please do check out how they live in “Blue Zones” - the areas on earth where people routinely live an active lifestyle past 100), so that, in a perfect world, this moment for you will just have been a MID-life crisis.

What happens when you 50 then?

Realistically the only issue might be that you might not be the most active grandparent if she decides to have children in her 30's.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I think there is something else going on in your mind rather than just vanity.

You have hit a milestone birthday and are just doing what a good mother does, a revaluation of your ability to care for your child.

You are just taking stock of where you are and where you are going. Society tells us that we are over the hill, getting ready to retire etc at fifty.

I think once you realise that you are doing well and society is wrong, then your age won't matter

Well, this is why people need to think a little more when having kids about the impact the circumstances may have on the child. But people don’t. All they think about is their own wants / needs / desires.

Yes, your daughter will likely experience grief / loss much earlier in her life. It’s now up to you to a) look after your health and well-being to try and be around, b) teach your daughter resilience and independence so she has the tools to deal with it and c) think about the financial aspects of when you’re gone and how she will manage.

I haven't had chance to RTFT but I feel like I'm missing something. I know absolutely loads of women who had babies at 39/40/41 - it's really not uncommon.

My husband is 72 and our son is 26 so to be 27. God blessed you.

I'll be 60 soon and my son is 21! I feel rather old tbh but DH aged 55 nearly died of sepsis 4 months ago so i may be older but am much healthier! You may not know ow this but having older parents is an advantage for kids. They are more likely to achieve academically and are less likely to live in poverty. Enjoy it. She will keep you young!

If I have a 9 year old at 50, I should be so happy. You're very lucky

Any thoughts for your first child @AshdownForest ?

The OP’s Dd will probably be well into her 40s by the time she has to deal with the loss of her Mum.

I was no better equipped to lose my Mum any later in life than my 40s. And in some ways I hope I don’t live into my mid 90s as is very typical in my family because my DC’s ‘financial aspects’ will be better if I leave any inheritance earlier in their lives.

Parents generally plan to be the best parents they can be in their individual circumstances: v young parents, single, parents of big families, sole child families, rich, poor, everything.

Nasty smug patronising post.

This often gets forgotten - how natural it is to have children at older ages - before the menopause sets in

I’m 52 with a 27 year old, 2 x 22 year olds and a 13 year old. None of my DC are embarrassed by me, why would they be? I’m a lot more active, adventurous and knowledgeable that younger mums that I know. Lots of the parents I see at secondary school look much older than me!

It’s probably just a mid life crisis at hitting 50 which is quite common but your projecting it onto your DD. It will soon pass. Focus on feeling your best and being your best in your 50’s for you and your DD.

I’m 56 with a 16 year old. I give that fact precisely no consideration at all, other than to thank God I was lucky enough to have him at almost 41 after 3 mcs.

I really don’t understand what the problem is. There are loads of mums in our school who had their second in their mid to late 30s.

Oh fuck off.

So many parents have kids for themselves and don’t think about what they’re bringing those kids into. It’s selfish as fuck to bring a child into a crap life / environment. But no one wants to hear it or consider it because it’s all about their need to have a baby..and ‘loving it’ is all that matters. Well, no actually it’s not. So you can fuck off with your ‘parents plan’. Do they fuck!

I was 43 when I had my youngest. My sister 45, and a friend 46! No one feels embarrassed by this. Your daughter will soon enough look at you and be embarrassed though - but she would if you had had her at 21! I went from my DD thinking I was the sun, moon and stars to criticising how I stirred my coffee (she literally said dismissively at a café, without ever having had a coffee in her life: 'mum that's not how you stir coffee')!
So enjoy the adoration now, and realise it's part of the growing process for your kids to move away from you.

I’m 53 with a 9 year old.

I don’t feel embarrassed at all.

I think you are making something out of nothing.

OP.
I said this kindly.
You could live another 45 years, to the ripe old age of 95.
Alternatively, you could be mowed down by a drunk driver tomorrow and die.
Live your life. Have a fabulous time every day. Be glad and gracious you get to see your little girl grow, because so many don't.
Your daughter could not give a flying fig how old you are.

My DM had me at 38, I'm now 33 with my own DC and she is coming 71 now.
She doesn't look it, doesn't act it, my Mom is my absolute world, she's my best friend, we are so close, we love a gin and a good laugh together, she's cheeky and mischievous like me and I bloody love her so much. I never think 'I've got such an old mom' no not at all. Yes sometimes it dawns over me now I'm older they she's getting on and I do get anxious about this from time to time as I worry how long I've got left with her and I worry how life will be without her but life is what you make of it and we can 'pop our clogs' at any minute. I've had some friends who lost their mums really young (like when child was 4 and parent was 28 in one case). So you can never put an age/limit on life, it is what it is.
You sound like a wonderful mom and sound like you have an amazing bond with your girl. Just carry on as you are enjoy every day, don't fret about if you're too old. Believe me, you're not ❤️