To be embarrassed that I'm 50 with a 9 year old

[AshdownForest]

I was 40 when I had my second child. I'm 50 now. She is 9 now, and turns 10 in a couple of months.
Just help.
I'm having an absolute crisis.
I am sooooooo embarrassed for my daughter's sake that she is only 9, soon to be 10, and I am FIFTY!!!
She must think I'm so old!
When I got pregnant at 39, I felt so young and excited to be pregnant. And when I had her at 40 I didn't even bat an eyelid at my age. I was just so ecstatic to have her and I felt so young that I didn't think about my age. I had fertility problems with my first child so we became parents 3 years later than we'd planned. Then it took 6 months to conceive naturally second time round and it meant that my second child was born when I was 40. I never thought I'd have a baby as late as 40 but plans didn't turn out the way we thought they would.
Anyway, all through my 40s, my age had never bothered me.
But suddenly I've hit 50 and I'm thinking holy shit, I'm FIFTY with a tiny little girl!
I suddenly feel like I must be an embarrassment to her (never felt this before now). I feel I've let her down. I feel I've set her up for losing her mother when she's still a young adult. I won't be here when she's my age.
And she idolises me. I mean she absolutely dotes on me. Covers me in kisses and cuddles and gives me dazzling smiles all the time and basically tells me every single day that she loves me and that I'm her world. She says she's happiest when she's with me. And we have the most lovely time imaginable together. She's the best company ever. She is sooooooo kind. Soooooo sweet. So funny, creative, imaginative, caring, engaging, interesting and interested in everything and everyone around her. She's thankful and grateful and charming. Everyone who meets her tells me she's adorable. And she's as good as gold. So well behaved. She's a dream come true.
So I feel terrible that such a wonderful little spirit has such an old mother. I feel really selfish.
I don't look 50. I definitely do not feel 50!!! I feel so young! I am fit, active, have plenty of energy. Someone recently asked me my age, who's known me for a while, and as an experiment I said "I'm 45". They said "45? Really! I thought you were 40!" I confessed and said "Not really, I just turned 50" and they started laughing, saying "Yeah, right".
But the fact is, I am bloody 50.
And I'm shitting myself about it.
Because I'm so worried I've let my little girl down by having her at 40.
She didn't ask to be born to an old mother.
And I never thought this far ahead when I got pregnant at 39.
Please be kind to me.....I'm literally having a panic attack over this.

I had my DC at 41 and 43, they are 13 and 10 now, it isn’t an issue at all. It sounds like your DC1 is only a few years older than the DD you are stressing about - not sure why you think this only affects your youngest. Try to look around you at other families and hopefully you’ll see that there’s no ideal way to have a family - thankfully there’s lots of different types these days, all of us muddling along as best we can.

My gran was 48 when she had my mum back in 1958. She died when she was 96. She was an amazing mum and gran. I remember he always being outside skipping with us. Age is just a number OP. Treat yourself to a makeover or new hair cut if you’re feeling down about your age.

Um. I was 39 and 11 months when I had my baby boy. He's 14 now and I'm 54. It has never occurred to me to be embarrassed.

I know people view aging differently, but dwelling on it is usually very unhelpful. There's bugger all you can do about it. Just stay as fit as you can and enjoy parenting your lovely girl!

Honestly. Why ruin your peace of mind with that type of thought? Enjoy your children and let go of such pointless, destructive and unhealthy thought patterns. If this is proving difficult maybe counselling can help you build some resilience or unearth what's underneath this insecurity.

Please don’t worry about being 50 whilst your daughter is 10. I think you are worrying about “what ifs” and “if only’s”, but really that’s pointless. Yes, you are 50, yes, might not live to a ripe old age, but equally but you could go on until you’re 100. The point is, treasure what you have now, and don’t risk passing on your anxiety about your age to your daughter.
If it’s any consolation to you at all, my own Mum was almost 50 when I was 10, but lived into her 80’s so I was well into my 40’s when she died. I never thought of her as being older than my friends Mums - she was just my mum, whom I loved dearly as I’m sure your daughter does you.

Please don’t stress over this. I’m sure other people have already pointed this out but I’ll add to their point: nothing is guaranteed. You could live to 100. Had you had her in your twenties there is no guarantee that you would still be here - I know people who have died in their early thirties, leaving behind young children (through illness or accidents). Enjoy the time that you have, your daughter loves you and that’s all that matters. 🤗

Why are you embarrassed?!? I found out I was pregnant 3 days before my 40th with my daughter. I’m turning 56 in April and she’s now 15, no issues, except menopause and puberty at the same time was fun!! My sister was 44 with her second, now 63 and her daughter is 19…

Think it is more the fear of turning 50. I've a 10 year old and it only bothered me when I became 50. My mum is 80 so hopefully I have a few more years to come.

I had my DD very unexpectedly at 42, she's 21 now and at uni, her friends say they wish their mums were more like me, because we are very close and she knows she can talk to me about anything. I've never found it embarassing, and she used to delight in correcting people who thought I was her grandma😅. Relax and be the mum your daughter needs, she will keep you young

I am 52 with an 8 year old. We conceived naturally. I’m not alone amongst my group of friends either with this age difference. Don’t stress it.

I had my son at 42 but I don’t think it affects him - only me. I have never been made to feel like an older mum. I didn’t look it and didn’t act it. I’m just glad I’ve got him - and don’t even think about it now.

I was 39 when I had my youngest daughter. She’s 15 now and thinks I am super cool. I’m much more chilled than I was when I had my eldest aged 25. More disposable income too!
Don’t waste time fretting about the future! Enjoy the here and now before your daughter picks up on all this (if she hasn’t already) x

You’re being ridiculous.

My youngest is 9 next month. I’m 50 in October. So what? I’m his mum. He’s happy. I’m happy. 50 isn’t especially old in the grand scheme of things. It hasn’t even crossed my mind to be embarrassed for him 🤷‍♀️.

I voted that you were not unreasonable, but only by mistake!

I cannot get my head round the level of angst you have about your age: I can only think that you live in a very small community where everyone has their children in their twenties and are grandparents in their forties.

I had my third at 41, she's 23 now and independent. In my head I'm still 31.

Another totally bonkers MN thread. I'm starting to think that MN is actually another planet.

It’s interesting that age gap is always an issue for women but not men.

As you said, you feel young and energetic. 50 is just a number. In this modern era, people could live until 100. To be honest, I did have a concern like yours, but the important thing is that as long as the family is happy and the baby is healthy. She loves you and you are her world; she would treasure the moment more than feeling embarrassed to be with you, or perhaps she didn’t even think of any embarrassing things at all.

Some people might be concerned about the age gap, but who cares? They have their own thoughts and no one can control them. I knew someone in Asia who had her first baby at 50. They didn’t concern themselves with the age gap but with money. That’s an expensive thing to raise a baby in Asia.

My dad was 54 when I was born. When he picked me up from school I was always pleased to see dad collecting (he picked me up in the car, mom didn't drive) His age was immaterial to me, and I am sure your age is of no interest to your daughter!

@AshdownForest To be honest, I wouldn’t worry about it! It’s not something you can change anyway is it?? The important thing is your relationship with your children and as long as you’re close and loving that’s what counts in life not what age you are. FWIW, when I was 50 I had 10 year old and a 5 year old. My age was never remarked upon and my group of mum friends were almost all in their late twenties, and thirties. But it is what it is. I had IVF for my first child and I naturally conceived my second so I consider myself lucky to have my two. We have a great relationship and lots of laughs and fun now that they’re grown up and 27 and 22. They were always great kids and I’ve always been grateful that I was lucky enough to have them. And I’m sure they feel the same, despite my great age! 🤣🤣🤣. Be thankful for what you have. Hope you will live a long and healthy life with your children.

I’m 49 this year and my kids are 5, 9, 13, 15, 17 and 18 - don’t sweat it 😅

My friends just had a baby at 43 no one batted an eyelid. It’s not a big deal

My mother had me at 46, I’m 52 now. She lied about her age for MANY years!

My father was fifty when I was born and it never bothered me xxx

My daughter is 12 tomorrow and I will be 58 in June (Dad was 59 in January) she doesn’t care and neither do we. My gran was a little old lady at 60 I won’t be times have changed.

Well I’m 50 too and have a 10
and 6 year old! I don’t feel 50. I keep myself fit and healthy so that I can be around for my girls as long as possible.

I was 39 ¾ when I had my 2nd child, a son, and like your daughter totally idolises me (not as much now at 16 🤣🤣) I know I am a much better mum than i would have been when I was younger.

Enjoy your daughter, and your 50’s. Don’t look back and regret how you felt.