To be embarrassed that I'm 50 with a 9 year old

[AshdownForest]

I was 40 when I had my second child. I'm 50 now. She is 9 now, and turns 10 in a couple of months.
Just help.
I'm having an absolute crisis.
I am sooooooo embarrassed for my daughter's sake that she is only 9, soon to be 10, and I am FIFTY!!!
She must think I'm so old!
When I got pregnant at 39, I felt so young and excited to be pregnant. And when I had her at 40 I didn't even bat an eyelid at my age. I was just so ecstatic to have her and I felt so young that I didn't think about my age. I had fertility problems with my first child so we became parents 3 years later than we'd planned. Then it took 6 months to conceive naturally second time round and it meant that my second child was born when I was 40. I never thought I'd have a baby as late as 40 but plans didn't turn out the way we thought they would.
Anyway, all through my 40s, my age had never bothered me.
But suddenly I've hit 50 and I'm thinking holy shit, I'm FIFTY with a tiny little girl!
I suddenly feel like I must be an embarrassment to her (never felt this before now). I feel I've let her down. I feel I've set her up for losing her mother when she's still a young adult. I won't be here when she's my age.
And she idolises me. I mean she absolutely dotes on me. Covers me in kisses and cuddles and gives me dazzling smiles all the time and basically tells me every single day that she loves me and that I'm her world. She says she's happiest when she's with me. And we have the most lovely time imaginable together. She's the best company ever. She is sooooooo kind. Soooooo sweet. So funny, creative, imaginative, caring, engaging, interesting and interested in everything and everyone around her. She's thankful and grateful and charming. Everyone who meets her tells me she's adorable. And she's as good as gold. So well behaved. She's a dream come true.
So I feel terrible that such a wonderful little spirit has such an old mother. I feel really selfish.
I don't look 50. I definitely do not feel 50!!! I feel so young! I am fit, active, have plenty of energy. Someone recently asked me my age, who's known me for a while, and as an experiment I said "I'm 45". They said "45? Really! I thought you were 40!" I confessed and said "Not really, I just turned 50" and they started laughing, saying "Yeah, right".
But the fact is, I am bloody 50.
And I'm shitting myself about it.
Because I'm so worried I've let my little girl down by having her at 40.
She didn't ask to be born to an old mother.
And I never thought this far ahead when I got pregnant at 39.
Please be kind to me.....I'm literally having a panic attack over this.

I'm 53 with DS9 and I don't feel the way you do. My school Mum friends are anywhere between mid thirties to mid forties.

Honestly, don't worry about it. My DS keeps me young and active. I love it! Join their world and see things through their eyes.

Honestly....no one cares.

My mum was 40 when she had my brother, 65 now.
I'm gonna be 40 if this pregnancy is successful.

Mum said to me she would rather have had me later in life, when she was emotionally, socially, mentally and financially secure.

I'm 54 with youngest ds of 12 and don't feel like this at all btw.

I feel having a child in late 30s -early 40s is so common now. I feel the parents for my DS' age-group (7-8years old) are mostly mid to late 40s. You definitely are not an outlier for her to be embarrassed based on "other mums are so young and mine is not".

If you were 40 when your child was born. How can you be 50 and your child be 9?

If you were 40 when your child was born. How can you be 50 and your child be 9?

Because you're 50 for a whole year, and during that year your child will turn 10. Just like you were 40 for a year, and during that year she was born.

Let's say you gave birth 1 day before you turned 41. If you're 50 now it has been a minimum of 10 years so isn't the child still going to be at least 10?

Not being picky it just fogged my brain

Good lord OP, relax! You can't change your age now and it seems to have no impact on your ability to parent your child so just let it go. Also your daughter adores you now because she's 9 but it won't last forever. I remember even adoring the smell of my mum and finding the idea of life without her to be unimaginable. Now that I'm an adult she's very dear to me but we don't even particularly get on!!

I'm 40-ish. My children are similar ages to yours. Several of their friends have parents who are 50+. It's really not something that I think about at all.

By the way youve described your daughter and her utter love and admiration for you, I doubt it even bothers her. Please don't let it bother you. I kind of get it, I was 36 when I had my youngest son. He is 3 now and I'm 40 this may, but the only reason why I feel crappy about it is due to his additional needs. He is autistic, non verbal and suffers with a host of development delay, so my guilt comes from the fear of him not having me and his dad around longer to take care of him. Enjoy your daughter, have so much fun together now because even tho you're 50, life is unpredictable.

@herewegoagainy that's life expectancy for right now in 2024. That could easily change due to more modern medicines/treatments/interventions in the future. Additionally, the OP has said she is young, fit and does not even feel or look 50. I would say, there is a good change she could hit 90 or above!

this post made me giggle. i went back to uni for further education/qualifications in my career and I was 33 when that happened. not old at all but all the other students were under 25. I felt so old, so just told everyone i was 26 lol. they believed me anyway PHEW. just do the same! you look 40, role with it. ENJOY IT!! :)

I am in exactly the same position as you (albeit I have one child) as was my mother before me. My sil was 42 when she had her one and only. We are all still here, and all doing just fine. People can lose their parents at any age.

If anything, I'd say that being an older parent has motivated me to stay fitter and more engaged with the world into my fifties.

It is, quite literally, just a number.

Don't look for problems that aren't there (only in your head).

I have a 12 year old. I am 56. I don't regard it as a big issue tbh. Most of the other mums I know are about 40 or 50. I had other children very young and had many a comment made including 'tell me, they are not all yours?' I was 21 and had 3 under 3.

I was early 40s when I had DD2. Honestly, no one would bat an eyelid at a pregnant woman in her 40s. My Youngest is 28 now and she never considered me an older mum.

I know loads of people who had their last child at around 40 so I don’t think it’s a ‘thing’ anymore really. I can see where you’re coming from though, my parents had me late in life & I’m 52 with health issues I didn’t have at 40, but bad health can impact anyone at any age.
My mum always said I kept her young, she died in her 70s but she was a good mum and we had a great relationship. It was much rarer then to have children in your 40s but no-one bats an eyelid now, I’ve got friends in their early 60s with children sgo are 19/20/21 as we met through our kids.?

In my friendship circle, the first one to have a child was 33 and from then we all had children up to the oldest being 42. No one bats an eyelid.

A relative of mine was the oldest lady ever to give birth in our (now defunct) maternity hospital - she was 51. She’s now 87 and still going strong.

I also know someone who after years of trying had twins through IVF at 42. Just over a year later she fell pregnant naturally - with another set of twins!! So at 44 she had 4 kids under 2 🤦‍♀️

It's 2024..... this is completely normal. The uber-cool Victoria Coren recently gave birth at the age of 51.
Your kid will be fine.

I'm mid 20s my mum is 61 and having an all of Mum never bothered me as a child it's only now but I'm in my mid 20s and I say how old my mum is people go oh your mum is really old to have someone your age It's only now but I'm an adult. I get the comments it never bothered me as a kid.

My mother was 40 when I was born, 75 years ago and my father was 48.

They were my parents and I loved them. I really don't remember thinking anything about their ages. They were the only parents I had and to me that was what parents were.

I was 38 when I had my last child. She never compared me to her friends mothers as far as I know, having said that most of my friends having children when I had mine were around the same age as me.

Unless you live somewhere where women give birth at a particularly young age I think you're going to find a great many women have children in their 40s nowadays.

Has your DD said anything to you? I doubt she's even noticed your age. You're her mother you're all the mother she knows.

I very much doubt she's comparing you to other mothers. To a child of 9 anyone over 25 is ancient anyway.

You're over thinking this, really.

Get a grip op.
Be grateful for what you have. Enjoy your amazing little girl before she hits the teenage years and hates you 😁

Ain’t that the truth 🤣

I'm 47 & have a 16 year old 15 year old & an almost 3 year old, ive had the exact same thoughts as you, but my teenagers both say, I don't look my age & they've never been embarrassed that they have an older mum,as I'm the mum who dresses head to toe in pink & has purple hair so I do my best to not look like an older mum (my mum was an older mum who people thought was my gran 😢) As for the whole not being around when she's older issue, again exactly same worries, but I've come to realise there are no guarantees in life, you may be around for another 50 years or be gone in 5 years, the most important thing for your child is knowing they are loved, & building memories of the two of you together that will last a lifetime.

Me too DiveBar! OP you need to have a word with yourself. Honestly you are not that unusual. And your little girl is about to go through puberty and become much more independent from you. You will have a grown up girl before you know it.