To be embarrassed that I'm 50 with a 9 year old

[AshdownForest]

I was 40 when I had my second child. I'm 50 now. She is 9 now, and turns 10 in a couple of months.
Just help.
I'm having an absolute crisis.
I am sooooooo embarrassed for my daughter's sake that she is only 9, soon to be 10, and I am FIFTY!!!
She must think I'm so old!
When I got pregnant at 39, I felt so young and excited to be pregnant. And when I had her at 40 I didn't even bat an eyelid at my age. I was just so ecstatic to have her and I felt so young that I didn't think about my age. I had fertility problems with my first child so we became parents 3 years later than we'd planned. Then it took 6 months to conceive naturally second time round and it meant that my second child was born when I was 40. I never thought I'd have a baby as late as 40 but plans didn't turn out the way we thought they would.
Anyway, all through my 40s, my age had never bothered me.
But suddenly I've hit 50 and I'm thinking holy shit, I'm FIFTY with a tiny little girl!
I suddenly feel like I must be an embarrassment to her (never felt this before now). I feel I've let her down. I feel I've set her up for losing her mother when she's still a young adult. I won't be here when she's my age.
And she idolises me. I mean she absolutely dotes on me. Covers me in kisses and cuddles and gives me dazzling smiles all the time and basically tells me every single day that she loves me and that I'm her world. She says she's happiest when she's with me. And we have the most lovely time imaginable together. She's the best company ever. She is sooooooo kind. Soooooo sweet. So funny, creative, imaginative, caring, engaging, interesting and interested in everything and everyone around her. She's thankful and grateful and charming. Everyone who meets her tells me she's adorable. And she's as good as gold. So well behaved. She's a dream come true.
So I feel terrible that such a wonderful little spirit has such an old mother. I feel really selfish.
I don't look 50. I definitely do not feel 50!!! I feel so young! I am fit, active, have plenty of energy. Someone recently asked me my age, who's known me for a while, and as an experiment I said "I'm 45". They said "45? Really! I thought you were 40!" I confessed and said "Not really, I just turned 50" and they started laughing, saying "Yeah, right".
But the fact is, I am bloody 50.
And I'm shitting myself about it.
Because I'm so worried I've let my little girl down by having her at 40.
She didn't ask to be born to an old mother.
And I never thought this far ahead when I got pregnant at 39.
Please be kind to me.....I'm literally having a panic attack over this.

@AshdownForest Kindly, OP, try to get over yourself. Your DD loves you and isn't embarrassed by you. It's all in your head.
My late DM was 39 when she had me, so not that different to your situation. My mum was fantastic, the best person in the world and I wouldn't have changed a thing about her. I knew how old she was at some point, I'm sure, but it wasn't important. What was, was that she was there for me, loved me and helped me through life. I'm 52 now, lost mum 3 years ago. True, I'd love to have her back and think about her daily. She could have been a young mum and I might still have lost her; that's life.
Sending you flowers🌺and un-Mumsnetty hugs.
I do echo a previous poster's comments about checking out menopause. The 'anxiety where you never had it before' is a potential symptom.

I was 38 having my last and I've numerous friends who were older. A girl at home had a surprise at 46/47. You're alive and you feel good. That's all she and you need.
The average age of a new mom is climbing all the time. 40+ yr old pregnant women are not unusual now.
Not the best way for things to have gone but we all need our careers established and ability to be independent now. We'll all be alive till we're 100 and need to work till 70 for our pensions!!!

There is no way that you are the only one in the class at your age. No way.

DD is 12 and her peers have mums in their 50s and mums in their 20s. The whole spectrum. No one bats an eyelid anyway

"Please be kind to me.....I'm literally having a panic attack over this."

Really? You need to get help if your physical reaction to being a slightly older Mum is this extreme.

Kindly, your entire post reads as rather daft. And insulting to older mothers generally. As you know perfectly well, there are millions out there.

All the mothers in my school are your age or at least look very old to me. It is the norm in certain places. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Make sure your children's financial future is secured as much you can ( no one what will happen of course - my mother in law was left without her husband share when he died of cancer, his brother took it all, my husband probably won't see his share, a step father in law with life interest in the house ) but at least you and me can do something about our own children , not engage is totally useless self -pity games. Why

I am 53 and had my youngest at almost 40.
we have a great relationship, really don’t worry about it. It’s pretty common now.

My mum had me at 40. It didn't do me any harm - I never even thought about it much.

She died recently and I'm mid 40s. I feel grateful to have had her all this time but I'd feel like that even if I was older.

There are no guarantees in life. You could have had her in your twenties and ended up terminally ill like the mum of a child I knew in a nursery years ago.

Life is a gift no matter what. Please don't beat yourself up over something so insignificant in the scheme of things. You have a lovely DC, you are clearly a wonderful parent, and you have eachother for hopefully many years. Some parents, young or cold, don't get that opportunity. Besides, how common is it for people to wait until their 40s now!!

You're being daft. My Dad was 40 when I was born, I'm in my late 30s now and he's still around and very healthy. My best friend has just lost her mother who was only 59. Happens at any age.

Well I'm 52 with a 9 year old. Most of the time it doesn't enter my head as I don't feel/look 52 and I can keep up with her do fun things etc. I work full time whilst juggling a house, dog, and another teen DD.
Although in M&S the other day whilst paying at the till the cashier turned to my daughter and said "are you helping your nan today"
She then proceeded to dig herself into a deeper hole trying to get out of it . I laughed albeit awkwardly and my 9 year old just did a weird smirk.

Sounds like you need to get over having a midlife crisis. All being well, you should have a few more decades in you yet.

I’m 48 and our youngest DC is 9. I had my DC at 20, 35 and 39.

I’m definitely not the oldest parent at the school gates. I mainly WFH and do most school runs in jogging bottoms/leggings so maybe I look younger due to not looking polished as I could be on those days. Plus, I’m nearly always running to the school! I tend to only make a concerted effort re. my attire on my office days and non-working days.

I do look a lot younger than my age, and people are shocked when I say we have a 28 yo, and then that’s when they ask me my age. There is a genetic link on my side of the family. Over the years, people have assumed that my mum, aunties, cousins and I are sisters.

I’ve luckily never had the big hang up about age and have no problem sharing it. Our DC don’t have a problem with our ages either. DH is 49. As a family, we’re all involved in sports, exercise or lot of walking as a bare minimum. Us adults do not smoke and rarely drink alcohol.

It's only an issue if you make it out to be one. It really isn't. No one needs to know how old you are so accepting it is your best bet.

Your children see you as mum, they love you for who you are and probably really don't care about your age. Look at them and see them as wonderful gifts to your life as someone out there would be jumping for joy to be in the same place as you.

How odd. Why is being 50 embarrassing?

Children think their parents are ancient whatever age they are.

When my kids were that age I knew a couple of mums around your age,it never struck me as weird, or that they shouldn't have had kids at that age or anything, it was just a sign of changing times and a positive one.

My Mum has me at 39 and I never thought about her age when I was younger. I’m now 40 and she is almost 80 and I still don’t think anything about it, why is it a problem?

If I hadn’t lost my last baby I would have had them this year at 40 and I think that would have been fine. You are being too hard on yourself.

I do understand your worries OP. My DS was born when I was 44 years old. He's now coming up for 17 and is the only child.

But...my youngest sister was born when mum was almost 40 and my dad was 43. Dad died aged 64 from cancer. So my youngest sister was only 21 years old when he died. Mum died aged almost 91 years old - she had diabetes, Alzheimer's and a stent in her heart but still kept going! My sister was almost 51 years old at that point. If I get her genes then DS will be 47 years old when I die.

The point is we don't know if we'll be a 64 year old or a 91 year old when our time on this planet is over. So why worry about it? Make sure there are things in place for your children if the worst happens (which we should all do), then make sure they know they are absolutely adored. We knew we were adored and it's that memory that lives on.

We put a clause in our wills (having spoken to the relevant people of course) about who DS would live with if we both died before he was 18 years old. After that it's his choice. Everything in our wills goes to him if we both go and is held in trust until he's of age to be sensible with the money and house.

Other than that we just enjoy life with him. And, as older parents, we've been in a good position financially during his childhood. He's had holidays and experiences we wouldn't have been able to give him if we were younger with a big mortgage to pay. We may be less useful with grandchildren and childcare (if we have any and are still around) as we'd be older, but that just swings and roundabouts.

Energy levels are still very good (I can still stay on a party dance floor until the early hours...although DS may run screaming when I do my 'old lady dancing' ha ha!) And I and DH have travelled, partied, worked and played before DS came along so it's out of our systems to a certain extent. Although there are still many places to explore for both of us.

Enjoy your children OP. The future will take care of itself and we don't have a crystal ball (thankfully).

My dad was 40 when he had my twin brother and I in 93 via IVF. Literally no one ever commented on his age - nor my mother’s who is 5 years younger.

This is despite my dad being very old fashioned (in dress and attitude) and premature greying.

I would say I was ever so slightly conscious about it as very young child. But probably didn’t think about it when I got to secondary school though.

Does make me feel sorry for kids whose dads have them MUCH later in life.

One of the biggest humblebrag posts I've ever read on here! I look SO young for my age, and my daughter is SO awesome and everything is SO great!! No honestly I'm having a panic attack about how amazing we are!!

My Dad was in his 50s when I was born............no-one cared. This is your issue, not hers.

I haven't read the full thread but when I turn 50 next year I'll have a 10 and 12 year old and it's never worried me.

I'm a much better parent that I would've been in my 20s or 30s, I'm financially stable, in a great marriage and feel no resentment about giving up a social life because all my partying days were over anyway and I have no desire for them.

It sounds like your daughter is a happy, well adjusted girl with a Mum who adores her so I don't see any negatives.

You should have done the math before getting pregnant.

This.

I did 5 years of trying and I knew I was getting ready to stop trying Didn't want to have an under 18 at 60.
But that's not helping my current crisis of the reality of having an under 10 at 50.

Meh - I was a similar age when I had my last

They are all adults now, I'm still fit and healthy and soon to be 70 - it really not a big deal. My mother was 42 when she had my youngest sibling, she herself has siblings not that much older than me - my youngest uncles were more contemporaries 🤷🏼‍♀️ There have always been women having children in their 40's.

If you look at the stats you'll see the average age for having babies has gone up significantly in recent times. I have three friends who didn't have a kid until their early forties. They would all say it's an incentive to keep young e.g. stay fit and healthy, be in touch with what's going on, care about your appearance etc.
I mean 50 is the new 40. It's not like the early 20th century when many women were worn out and considered past it by that age. Frankly, it's the women having kids in their teens and early twenties that concern me more - they should be young, free and single enjoying life!