To be embarrassed that I'm 50 with a 9 year old

[AshdownForest]

I was 40 when I had my second child. I'm 50 now. She is 9 now, and turns 10 in a couple of months.
Just help.
I'm having an absolute crisis.
I am sooooooo embarrassed for my daughter's sake that she is only 9, soon to be 10, and I am FIFTY!!!
She must think I'm so old!
When I got pregnant at 39, I felt so young and excited to be pregnant. And when I had her at 40 I didn't even bat an eyelid at my age. I was just so ecstatic to have her and I felt so young that I didn't think about my age. I had fertility problems with my first child so we became parents 3 years later than we'd planned. Then it took 6 months to conceive naturally second time round and it meant that my second child was born when I was 40. I never thought I'd have a baby as late as 40 but plans didn't turn out the way we thought they would.
Anyway, all through my 40s, my age had never bothered me.
But suddenly I've hit 50 and I'm thinking holy shit, I'm FIFTY with a tiny little girl!
I suddenly feel like I must be an embarrassment to her (never felt this before now). I feel I've let her down. I feel I've set her up for losing her mother when she's still a young adult. I won't be here when she's my age.
And she idolises me. I mean she absolutely dotes on me. Covers me in kisses and cuddles and gives me dazzling smiles all the time and basically tells me every single day that she loves me and that I'm her world. She says she's happiest when she's with me. And we have the most lovely time imaginable together. She's the best company ever. She is sooooooo kind. Soooooo sweet. So funny, creative, imaginative, caring, engaging, interesting and interested in everything and everyone around her. She's thankful and grateful and charming. Everyone who meets her tells me she's adorable. And she's as good as gold. So well behaved. She's a dream come true.
So I feel terrible that such a wonderful little spirit has such an old mother. I feel really selfish.
I don't look 50. I definitely do not feel 50!!! I feel so young! I am fit, active, have plenty of energy. Someone recently asked me my age, who's known me for a while, and as an experiment I said "I'm 45". They said "45? Really! I thought you were 40!" I confessed and said "Not really, I just turned 50" and they started laughing, saying "Yeah, right".
But the fact is, I am bloody 50.
And I'm shitting myself about it.
Because I'm so worried I've let my little girl down by having her at 40.
She didn't ask to be born to an old mother.
And I never thought this far ahead when I got pregnant at 39.
Please be kind to me.....I'm literally having a panic attack over this.

I know loads of people (myself included) who had a baby late 30s so had 10/11 year olds when they turned 50. Also know several who had babies early 40s.
I'm not aware of anyone batting an eyelid,
Possibly because it's more common in my circle

I had my second at the same age as you OP, and I hated turning 50. It’s just a mental block - it’s the age I grew up thinking of as properly old, and I just couldn’t believe that was actually me. And my younger DC did complain about me being so old, until she got a best friend whose parents are even older and now she’s fine with it. Being mid-50s with teenagers doesn’t feel as weird somehow so I think you’ll get over feeling like this, but I do know what you mean.

It's tough having that 50th Birthday because everyone makes a big deal of the 50th and you can't hide it anymore by not actually saying what age you are 🙂

Oh bless your heart. Please stop worrying. My husbands mum had him at 40 and his sibling at 44. She’s a great parent, no one bats an eyelid. They’re both in their 30’s now and I can assure you we don’t look at her like an old mother.

I bet you’re a great mum.

My parents had me at 19, and DH's parents were 40 and 49, and there is a real difference now in terms of how they are as grandparents to our DS. His parents are minimally involved, whereas my mum is a young, hands on grandparent. On the other hand, my father died young before DS was even born so you never know.

The one thing I would say is going forward, even if you are too tired, do it anyway. DH was never taught to swim, or ride a bike, had never been skating or to a musical or concert until he was old enough to sort it out for himself because his parents both retired early and just wanted to enjoy a quiet and sedentary life, which wasn't suited to a young child.

Also, if you have older nieces and nephews make sure that your children cultivate a strong relationship with their cousins. That way if your children also have children late so you are no longer around, they still have that older parent/grandparent familial relationship.

@AshdownForest
I was 19 when I had my child. I don't think i was a bad mother and we are and have always been incredibly close. BUT the one thing I know is that at 47 I may have less energy, but I am so much more patient and calm! There have been times I have worried I have disadvantaged my son by having him so young... But we can only do what we can at the time.
My mum was an older mum and she was fantastic. She was always there for me, a sounding board and the person I went to when I needed advice.
You sound like you have an amazing relationship with your girl. Don't waste it by letting your worry consume you.

There's a 40/41 year age gap between me and DS and there are times when I wish I were younger for him. But short of inventing a time machine and going back and not having him, what are you going to do.

I 100% agree if this has come on more recently that you should consider perimenopausal or menopausal anxiety. I suffered from it terribly.

This is a hypothetical worry - nothing has happened yet it's all in your head but hypothetical worries can become all consuming and you can waste large parts of your day going down the rabbit hole with them.

I deal with it by recognising that my grandmother lived until she was 97 and that's my plan too. I allow myself to worry about aging/dying for 5 mins at a set time of day and have something to move onto after I'm done to stop it escalting. Since I've been doing that it allows me to park my worries and by the time my "worrytime" arrives I rarely need it these days.

Well I am 60 and DD had her 21st birthday party last week. She was totally happy to have myself and her dad around (we gave her the option), her favourite party photo is of us having pre party shots. I really wouldn’t stress about it, older parents are very much the norm these days.

Wishing you well but really surprised by this. I was 40 when I had my last. Never saw any problem with that and neither have my children or all my other friends who had children and 40 or later ?

Lots of mums where I am are much older. Ds is 12 and his friends mum is 54. Lots of mums are in that age bracket. It's only me and 2 others who are still in our 30s

I had our only DS through IVF/ICSI at 38 when DH was 47. We do look young for our age, but lots of older parents round here. DS has just turned 24 (I'm 62 and DH is 71) and it's never been an issue for him, although him being now 'mid-20s' has! He has also always known about his conception. My parents died in their late 80s and early 90s, so I intend to be around a long time yet.

My sister is 52 - her youngest is 9 - I think it sometimes depends on where you live - she lives in a middle class area where a lot of mums are career women who had children in late 30's /40 - so she doesn't stand so much.
I lived in a seaside town - where It is pretty normal to be a teen mum - if my sister lived there she would really notice the difference at the school gate.

There is a natural cut off to child bearing and your child was born within that cut off. Who are you to argue with nature? It's fine, your child is fine, you are fine. All very lucky in fact. Just enjoy. I'm a very fit 64 year old with a lovely 21 year old and I don't think he's ever felt anything about my age, he thinks I'm a top mum. There are literally no disadvantages unless you die early, which can happen anyway.

You must live somewhere with a lot of younger mums? Where I live it would be entirely normal, most women have their first in their late 30s so subsequent children will be early/mid-40s.

And actually, women have always had children into their 40s. It's just that pre-contraception they probably already had eight or ten children, whereas now many women choose to delay their first until they have a career and housing sorted. My nan - who would be 101 if she were still alive - had a baby in her early 40s.

You've given her life be proud fwiw some women would love a child at your age I am one of them but sadly I can't. Embrace it what's most important is your love and care and your child will remember you with great respect.

I was born when my parents were 26 and 27. I still went through a phase of wishing I had young parents! Kids always find something wrong with their parents, whereas everyone else has cool parents, of course. As a parent I laugh it all off.

My mum was born to my granny when she was 40 and now I have the funniest and very loving 94 year old Granny who is about to become a great-granny! She’s so excited and never let her age (she was considered very old when she had my mum in 1965!) take away from the joy of her having her girls. And then all of her girl grandkids.

I was also 40 when my youngest was born, youngest of 3. Dd is now 16.
I am about to turn 57.
Age has never been an issue, why would it?
I'm her mum, she is happy, as an older mum sometimes I give her more time/wisdom than I would have done if I was a young mum. I have had to stand up for her in some contexts and I probably would not have done that so well if I was younger.

On the other hand I have less energy.

No-one, literally NO-one has ever commented on age. And I look my age!

Age is a state of mind more than anything. My ex MIL was OLD by 50 - she looked old, she dressed old, she had an old mindset. She was blanket on the lap watching Emmerdale every night. My auntie? Still a spring chicken at 70 going out wit the younger girls from the office to hen nights, travelling all over the world on things like sailing holidays with strangers.

I have a friend who's a hairdresser, and he told me that one of his clients hadn't been in his salon for over two years. Then she came in one day with her two year old toddler. She was 52.
Age is just a number, OP. (Although l admit, that could have been me!). It's more about outlook and attitude and having a good relationship with your child.

Just be glad you’re not Victoria Coren Mitchell!

Same ages. Our youngest has never raised it. His dad was 45 when he was born.

Your a healthy active 50 year old which is better than a 40 year old who may be none of the above and still die earlier from any manner of things. Your fine, you sounds like a wonderful mum so keep doing you. She'll have amazing years of a wonderful mum whose fit more into those years than others do anyway. Just keep doing you. P.s. loads of mums now have kids at 40 it's the norm now!

I wouldn't bat an eyelid.
I'll be 50 next year, and for some reason I have really started to obsess about my age (my youngest child is a little older than yours, but not much).
I have never thought about my age up until now, but all of a sudden I am overcome by this feeling of panic about ageing and everything associated with it, and in relation to my children too.
I'm wondering if it is something that hits us all when we reach his stage of our lives? It really is an overwhelming feeling, so I do empathise if you are feeling the same.

Doesn't matter really
I was a younger mum with my first, 23
And now I'm an older mum at 37 with a 1 year old
And am planning another
I don't see why it would matter to be honest