To be embarrassed that I'm 50 with a 9 year old

[AshdownForest]

I was 40 when I had my second child. I'm 50 now. She is 9 now, and turns 10 in a couple of months.
Just help.
I'm having an absolute crisis.
I am sooooooo embarrassed for my daughter's sake that she is only 9, soon to be 10, and I am FIFTY!!!
She must think I'm so old!
When I got pregnant at 39, I felt so young and excited to be pregnant. And when I had her at 40 I didn't even bat an eyelid at my age. I was just so ecstatic to have her and I felt so young that I didn't think about my age. I had fertility problems with my first child so we became parents 3 years later than we'd planned. Then it took 6 months to conceive naturally second time round and it meant that my second child was born when I was 40. I never thought I'd have a baby as late as 40 but plans didn't turn out the way we thought they would.
Anyway, all through my 40s, my age had never bothered me.
But suddenly I've hit 50 and I'm thinking holy shit, I'm FIFTY with a tiny little girl!
I suddenly feel like I must be an embarrassment to her (never felt this before now). I feel I've let her down. I feel I've set her up for losing her mother when she's still a young adult. I won't be here when she's my age.
And she idolises me. I mean she absolutely dotes on me. Covers me in kisses and cuddles and gives me dazzling smiles all the time and basically tells me every single day that she loves me and that I'm her world. She says she's happiest when she's with me. And we have the most lovely time imaginable together. She's the best company ever. She is sooooooo kind. Soooooo sweet. So funny, creative, imaginative, caring, engaging, interesting and interested in everything and everyone around her. She's thankful and grateful and charming. Everyone who meets her tells me she's adorable. And she's as good as gold. So well behaved. She's a dream come true.
So I feel terrible that such a wonderful little spirit has such an old mother. I feel really selfish.
I don't look 50. I definitely do not feel 50!!! I feel so young! I am fit, active, have plenty of energy. Someone recently asked me my age, who's known me for a while, and as an experiment I said "I'm 45". They said "45? Really! I thought you were 40!" I confessed and said "Not really, I just turned 50" and they started laughing, saying "Yeah, right".
But the fact is, I am bloody 50.
And I'm shitting myself about it.
Because I'm so worried I've let my little girl down by having her at 40.
She didn't ask to be born to an old mother.
And I never thought this far ahead when I got pregnant at 39.
Please be kind to me.....I'm literally having a panic attack over this.

I’ve just had my second at 42, but a bit more unusually, my own mum was 42 when she had me in the early 80s. She felt the difference between her own age and the other mums at the school gates, but I didn’t. I loved her. Parents are inherently embarrassing, but I never felt that was down to age. She died during my recent pregnancy, which is sooner than I would have liked, but I was more than mature enough to deal with it and it hasn’t ruined my life.

You have a kid who loves you, you don’t feel 50 & you don’t look 50. I’m struggling to see what the issue is here. I know plenty women with kids of that age in their forties and they DO feel 50 and more because of health conditions etc.

I was 50 with an 8 year old. What is the problem? Ignore the fact that the world is completely obsessed with youth. Being older made me a confident mother.I was happy to be a mum, having been a career woman all my life, and I looked younger than a lot of mums at the gate. Happy days!!

I was 50 with 3-year old twins! They're now 4 and in pre-school. There's plenty of other mums in their 40s, so I'm not much older.
As a PP said, to a 10-year old, anyone over about 25 is "old".

In the 70s, my parents were in their late-30s to mid-40s having kids, and are still going strong at 93/94. I think having kids late and grandkids late has kept them young.

honestly have no idea why you would feel like this - surely - especially these days loads of people wait until older to have kids!! most of my friends were pushing 40 when they had their first - my husband will be 46 when our second comes along!

we don't seem old - we are at all the music festivals every summer, do heaps of travelling, go out clubbing regularly together - honestly age is really just a number tbh! you could die at 50 or live to be 100 - nobody knows!

Just don't get what all the angst is about here, OP. You are old enough to know that people die at any age - some will live to 40, others to 100. What does matter is that you obviously love her and she loves you. And surely statistics will show that having children in your late thirties/early forties isn't uncommon?

You can waste your life and spoil what you have in the present by worrying about things that won't happen. Just enjoy what you have and don't fixate.

I Have a 9 year old and my DH is 52. DS knows his ages and it doesn't bother him in the slightest.

My mum had me at 16 but died at 42....so you never really know. Just enjoy your child!

I'm 54 with a 12 year old. It doesn't even cross my mind, let alone feel any embarrassment. There are loads of older mothers these days. My son and I have a lovely relationship and I wouldn't change a thing 🤷🏻‍♀️

Same age I'll be when my daughter is 9. There are no guarantees. Some people have kids at 25 and die of cancer at 50. You could easily live until you're 90.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself op.
My mum had me at 38, I was always aware she was older than my friends’ mum’s, but it never affected anything. Like your little girl, I idolised her and always wanted to be like her when I grew up. I think I loved most that she had so much knowledge and experience of the world.
To add, I know quite a few women having kids 40+, including my SIL that had her first and only, at 50!

Kindly, OP, you’re overthinking. My parents were 32 and 35 when they had me, and both died before I was 40 - one from an illness and one from an accident. Just because you’re a younger parent doesn’t guarantee you’ll be around longer. And yes, I will always be sad that my parents are no longer here. We were very close and I love them an incredible amount. But I’m fine! A well-adjusted adult with my own children now, and a loving husband. I do wish my parents were still alive, but I know I’m lucky to have had the parents I did, for the time I did.

Gosh, yes, I sympathise. You are indeed old. Very old.
It might be worth checking care homes in the immediate vicinity for when you turn 55?

You don't look a decade younger, no-one does. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Why would you be 50 embarrass her?

Both these comments from you show you are ageist.

I was nearly 40 when I had DD (now 3) however I live in SW London, vast majority of her nursery friends have parents in their late 30’s/early 40’s therefore I’m less concerned about comments re: my age when she goes to school because it’ll be the norm in her ecosystem.

My mum was 32 when she had me but she went to opposite direction and felt much older before her time with her attitude to life, style etc. Refused to help me move into my uni halls at the age of 50 because she was “feeling her age” and left it to my 70 year old grandma instead. I was convinced she must have been a much older mum until I grew up and did the maths. Now is 74 and fuming that her worst ailment is arthritis in her non-writing hand, and that her recent trip to the Dr’s with suspected lung cancer/heart disease turned out to be an easily treated chest infection.

Your daughter is very lucky to have a mother like you.

I wish my mum had been like you.

50 is not old at all!

I think you must be living somewhere with a certain specific type of demographic for this to feel so anomalous to you.

I'm 51 with an 11 year old, and am far from the oldest parent among his classmates -- his friends, who are 12 year old twins, have a mother who is 53, going on 54, and a father who is 57. The school yard has parents from their very early 20s to well into their 50s picking up.

The only time I've ever felt unusual in context was a few years living in a godawful village where I was one of the only two WOHMs in a class of 27 children, and everyone else had had their children in their early 20s.

I would say it's pretty common to have a child at 39 especially if she is a second, third child.

I'm a midwife and it's pretty average age to have a child!

Well I was a year younger when I had my DS.

most of the other mums were about my age.

we moved to an area where I was the same age of the grandparents 🤣🤣 that was odd as I had nothing in common with other parents so pick up times were a bit lonely.

no regrets except he’s an only child and I’m a lone parent so I worry for him after I’ve gone. That’s about it.

enjoy your DD!

I am 50 and my kids are in y7 and y4
I am 50 and I like gaming and anime and hiking up mountains
At 50 my parents didn't know how to use computers and didn't want to learn and were old
Old is what you make of it.
My eldest hates when I say I am old. They say 'old are grandmas with white hair'

My mum was 42 when she had me. At no point was I ever embarrassed by my mum's age - she was just my mum. Of course, I knew how old she was. I had much older siblings so I suppose my friends must have worked it out too, but no-one ever said anything to me or cared.

We lost her nearly 18 months ago now. She was 87 and I had 44 wonderful years with her. At her funeral there were some of her 'mum friends' from the toddler group she'd taken me to all those years ago - they were all 10-20 years younger than her but she'd maintained those friendships for 40+ years. One of them said to me 'It was such a shock to hear about your mum, we never thought about her being older than us. She was just always so full of life'. It made me smile because it summed her up entirely - she maintained a young mindset right until the end and always refused to 'act her age'!

I know loads of mums who had their first baby at 40. I recently met a 51 year old new mum (wonderful). My great grandmother gave birth in 1921 to my nan when she was 43. It’s nothing new or unusual. A good relationship with your children is all that’s important.

@AshdownForest I think it’s something to try and change your mindset on. It’s honestly not really the age of the parent that makes a difference, it’s how well that person parents. If you parent well and you have well-supported, much-loved children, that’s the important part.

I’m adopted and my mum was a bit older than many of the others in the playground. She was also active and practical and - in all honesty - I didn’t really realise she was older until she mentioned it. Apparently someone asked her if she was a grandma a couple of times (I still don’t understand that as she didn’t look ‘old’). She was a great mum though and has always been there for me when I needed, so age didn’t come into it really. We did fun activities together, she talked me through my emotions and we spent time together regularly even in my teenage years. She came and helped me when my son was seriously ill. She came and helped me when my childcare fell through at the point of a big business deal. She’s been there for the birth of one of my children and only just missed the birth of the other (but stayed after). I phone her at least once a week as an adult and we talk for ages. Being a mum is so much more than age.

I am 52 with a 7 year old if that makes any difference. I am told I don't look it. But I always found a good thing about being an older mother is NOT panicking about everything. You've lived long enough and seen enough to not sweat the small stuff which to me, makes life easier.

I don't think it's irrational.
I think is a normalish response to realising your getting older.

I have friends who were left parentless in early 20s who needed wider family support. Just learning how to run a house etc.

I've also had friends deal with cancer not all have come out the other side.

It's natural to worry your kids might lose you when they are still finding their way in the world.

I had DD at 38 (and DS at 30).
My outlook on life is pretty youthful, or so I’d like to believe. I keep in touch with fashion, music, cinema and reading matter as much for myself as for them. I’ve never felt at a disadvantage compared to other classmates’ mums, maybe more of an amused observer/voice of reason in some cases.

Now DD is close to 18 we have had a few clashes of opinion on clothes to wear or curfew where “X’s parents let HER do it” but that’s just the generation gap. No sensible parent of any age is going to let an 18yo walk city streets alone at 3am, but a 56yo doesn’t want to stay up that late and drive out, either. So we compromise.

OP seems to have LOTS of things going for her. Just keep swimming!