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Original poster

To be embarrassed that I'm 50 with a 9 year old

729 replies

AshdownForest · 11/02/2024 21:47

I was 40 when I had my second child. I'm 50 now. She is 9 now, and turns 10 in a couple of months.
Just help.
I'm having an absolute crisis.
I am sooooooo embarrassed for my daughter's sake that she is only 9, soon to be 10, and I am FIFTY!!!
She must think I'm so old!
When I got pregnant at 39, I felt so young and excited to be pregnant. And when I had her at 40 I didn't even bat an eyelid at my age. I was just so ecstatic to have her and I felt so young that I didn't think about my age. I had fertility problems with my first child so we became parents 3 years later than we'd planned. Then it took 6 months to conceive naturally second time round and it meant that my second child was born when I was 40. I never thought I'd have a baby as late as 40 but plans didn't turn out the way we thought they would.
Anyway, all through my 40s, my age had never bothered me.
But suddenly I've hit 50 and I'm thinking holy shit, I'm FIFTY with a tiny little girl!
I suddenly feel like I must be an embarrassment to her (never felt this before now). I feel I've let her down. I feel I've set her up for losing her mother when she's still a young adult. I won't be here when she's my age.
And she idolises me. I mean she absolutely dotes on me. Covers me in kisses and cuddles and gives me dazzling smiles all the time and basically tells me every single day that she loves me and that I'm her world. She says she's happiest when she's with me. And we have the most lovely time imaginable together. She's the best company ever. She is sooooooo kind. Soooooo sweet. So funny, creative, imaginative, caring, engaging, interesting and interested in everything and everyone around her. She's thankful and grateful and charming. Everyone who meets her tells me she's adorable. And she's as good as gold. So well behaved. She's a dream come true.
So I feel terrible that such a wonderful little spirit has such an old mother. I feel really selfish.
I don't look 50. I definitely do not feel 50!!! I feel so young! I am fit, active, have plenty of energy. Someone recently asked me my age, who's known me for a while, and as an experiment I said "I'm 45". They said "45? Really! I thought you were 40!" I confessed and said "Not really, I just turned 50" and they started laughing, saying "Yeah, right".
But the fact is, I am bloody 50.
And I'm shitting myself about it.
Because I'm so worried I've let my little girl down by having her at 40.
She didn't ask to be born to an old mother.
And I never thought this far ahead when I got pregnant at 39.
Please be kind to me.....I'm literally having a panic attack over this.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 12/02/2024 08:47

Don't feel bad, OP. You love her, she loves you, that's enough.

mogtheexcellent · 12/02/2024 08:47

51 with a soon to be 10 year old here.

My daughters knowledge of older music means she is the super cool one among her friends (who are now all Bowie fans). Im not kidding.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/02/2024 08:50

It’s hardly unusual nowadays! A bit different from some decades ago, when I was down in my notes as an ‘elderly primigravida’ at 28!

My dd1 will be 51 when her dc3 is 9, and I very much doubt that she loses any sleep over it.

sugar87 · 12/02/2024 08:53

I work in HR and seeing women taking maternity leave under 35 in my industry anyway is increasingly rare. So much so that I’m surprised when it happens! Many, many people are pregnant at 39! Please don’t worry about this. Your daughter clearly idolises you.

Feb123 · 12/02/2024 08:53

I am 59 with a 10 year old. I know what you mean but I also have a 15 year old and notice that lots of their parents friends are early 50s so not that much younger than me. So you won’t be the only parent of that age. Nothing you can do but enjoy parenthood

ssd · 12/02/2024 08:55

I had older parents. We were very close. I regret the time now i dont have with them. But im glad they had me.

You sound lovely op.

Comtesse · 12/02/2024 08:59

My friend will be 50 in April and she has a 5yo. I will be 50 in the autumn and I have a 10 yo. It’s fine! No one cares! You are being a bit silly.

positivesliceofpie · 12/02/2024 09:00

I dont see any problem with it You're both happy thats what counts.
I had my child when i was young im 37 now hes now 19 and moving out next month.

Mynaddmawr · 12/02/2024 09:04

Bless you. Your daughter is lucky to have you, it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship. Far better to have a good mum, whatever age. We lost my nan two years ago, she had my dad when she was 38 and he is now 58. So had a brilliant 56 years with his mam. My grandad was 40 when my dad was born and still going strong and living his best life, out on his bike every day. My other grandma had my mum at 18 and died 10 years ago. There's no guarantees but all we can do is look after ourselves and try to live happy ❤

FloofCloud · 12/02/2024 09:05

Fellow 51 year old mum to DS11 and DD15. It doesn't really bother me as my friends all had kids later on, and where I live the younger mums are rare species lol - I'm definitely older in that my joints are fuxked and I'm perimenopausal but honestly, no one else cares and as long as your children feel loved and cared for then you're doing well. Age is a bracket really, you sound young of mind and body - age is a number not a reference to your ability and capability

Parisiennes · 12/02/2024 09:07

I don't understand your feelings.

The age gap is the same as when she was born.

50 is nothing these days so stop thinking of yourself as old.

Years ago my Mum had my sister at 37. That was considered old then but I had friends whose parents had 3rd babies at 40.

No one cared, made comments or anything.

Feb123 · 12/02/2024 09:11

manysausages · 11/02/2024 23:01

My mum was 37 when she had me. This wasn’t that common in the 70’s, or it didn’t seem to me to be. As a child, I thought it would be weird to have a young mum (some of my friends’ mums weren’t much older than my sisters) and felt a bit sorry for people who didn’t have my lovely proper mum.

It sounds like you are a lovely mum.

That’s so lovely!

and I know what you mean about the young mum and the proper mum.

I think we give ourselves a difficult time because we want to be the best parents. I had my first very young and had no money or support. No nice home and very alone. I felt very much not the proper mum that his friends have. Now I’m the oldest mum to my youngest child. But as I said in previous post- I’m actually not that much older than other mums of his friends. He is 10 I’m 59. Friends parents look to be 40s. Probably some late 40s early 50s. I don’t worry about this because I’m just living my life and I’ve got too many other worries!

also op- my oldest child that I had very young has always been embarrassed about me. My youngest adores me more!

the worry I have now reading this thread is how unhealthy I am. Definitely not looking after myself properly.

Anyotherdude · 12/02/2024 09:13

My DM was 43 when she had me. Times were different back then (1960’s), and health and fitness were not on adult’s life-lists as much as now.
It meant that my Mum (and Dad) were older than their years, and too tired to be hands-on parents, joining in on the touch line or taking us to do activities.
As long as you’re still able to do these things for your wee girl, it won’t matter how old you are!
Let her keep you young, OP: 50 is the new 30…

MusicMum80s · 12/02/2024 09:14

Its not that unusual to have children in your late 30s for early 40s. In London its basically everyone.

This isn't about your daughter. You are having an existential crisis about your age and projecting onto your child.

MovingBird123 · 12/02/2024 09:18

Calm down. Just keep on enjoying your life. Don't give these negative thoughts oxygen. You can't change anything. x

Julianne65 · 12/02/2024 09:19

My Dad was 50 when I was born and not once was I embarrassed about him. He was a very kind, lovely gentleman and I loved him so much. He was fun, interesting and very happy. He passed away when he was 90 and I was 40. We had a lot of lovely memories together and not once did I wish I had a younger dad.

Browsing2023 · 12/02/2024 09:20

I remember in primary school age around your daughters age and being jealous that my friends mum was 28. My mum was 31 and it felt so old!

so yes I won’t lie, your daughter will think your old..but anyone over 30 is old to a 10 year old.

Mumtime2 · 12/02/2024 09:21

Age is irrelevant
As long as your a great Mum!
I have always admired older mums.
My child's father is over 50 and he's not 9 yet.
Who cares..

Julianne65 · 12/02/2024 09:21

Oh and my mum was 39 when I was born and still going strong!

App13 · 12/02/2024 09:21

Please don't worry ,I know plenty of 50 year old that have 5 yead olds ,when I'm 50 my dd will be 8.

I don't give a darn, the way I empower myself is by clean living , exercising and this helps me deal with anything that comes my way.

Find a means of empowering yourself and plugs forward.. she loves you ,you love her and two hoots to the world.

Do you know how envious people would be of you to have had a child at that age ? Its a gift, enjoy it and let the gift lead the way.

Curlygirli · 12/02/2024 09:21

I think it’s more common than you realise OP, when I was 10 and in primary school, two of my classmates had mums who were 50. This was back int the early 90s!

Parisiennes · 12/02/2024 09:24

My mum was 37 when she had me. This wasn’t that common in the 70’s, or it didn’t seem to me to be.

It was more common that you think.

My sister was born in the early 1960s and my mum was 37.

I had plenty of friends whose mums had children in their late 30s, born in the 1950s and early 1960s (often because the Pill wasn't around.)

Slothsandspiderman · 12/02/2024 09:27

I’m 53 with a 9 yr old. He was a wonderful surprise. His dads older - 55.
he says we are old sometime - jokingly - but he does that to his 28yr old cousin too.
He genuinely doesn’t care - neither do we.
Actually in our his class there are a couple of us.
Honestly the only one making it a thing is you.
Enjoy your daughter x

LaBelleSauvage123 · 12/02/2024 09:29

I had DS1 at 40 and DS2 at 42. When they were little I did feel older than most of the mums I met - I think it’s because you mainly meet mums of the same age children when they’re at primary school. But now DS1 is 22 and has friends in a much bigger age range I no longer feel very different. He is absolutely not bothered by my age - we’ve talked about it quite a bit.

Mumsanetta · 12/02/2024 09:31

So funny, creative, imaginative, caring, engaging, interesting and interested in everything and everyone around her. She's thankful and grateful and charming. Everyone who meets her tells me she's adorable. And she's as good as gold. So well behaved. She's a dream come true.

@AshdownForest Children are not just born with these qualities, they are the result of good parenting and a nurturing home. How can you possibly have let her down by being an older parent when you have clearly been a great parent to her? You have given her a great start in life and whatever comes in the future she will be able to deal with it.

If you haven’t previously experienced this type of anxiety it’s worth discussing it with your GP. When my DD was younger I went through a difficult stage where I couldn’t stop thinking about dying and leaving her, it coincided with a particularly bad bout of anxiety and I haven’t felt that terror since getting over the anxiety.