To be embarrassed that I'm 50 with a 9 year old

[AshdownForest]

I was 40 when I had my second child. I'm 50 now. She is 9 now, and turns 10 in a couple of months.
Just help.
I'm having an absolute crisis.
I am sooooooo embarrassed for my daughter's sake that she is only 9, soon to be 10, and I am FIFTY!!!
She must think I'm so old!
When I got pregnant at 39, I felt so young and excited to be pregnant. And when I had her at 40 I didn't even bat an eyelid at my age. I was just so ecstatic to have her and I felt so young that I didn't think about my age. I had fertility problems with my first child so we became parents 3 years later than we'd planned. Then it took 6 months to conceive naturally second time round and it meant that my second child was born when I was 40. I never thought I'd have a baby as late as 40 but plans didn't turn out the way we thought they would.
Anyway, all through my 40s, my age had never bothered me.
But suddenly I've hit 50 and I'm thinking holy shit, I'm FIFTY with a tiny little girl!
I suddenly feel like I must be an embarrassment to her (never felt this before now). I feel I've let her down. I feel I've set her up for losing her mother when she's still a young adult. I won't be here when she's my age.
And she idolises me. I mean she absolutely dotes on me. Covers me in kisses and cuddles and gives me dazzling smiles all the time and basically tells me every single day that she loves me and that I'm her world. She says she's happiest when she's with me. And we have the most lovely time imaginable together. She's the best company ever. She is sooooooo kind. Soooooo sweet. So funny, creative, imaginative, caring, engaging, interesting and interested in everything and everyone around her. She's thankful and grateful and charming. Everyone who meets her tells me she's adorable. And she's as good as gold. So well behaved. She's a dream come true.
So I feel terrible that such a wonderful little spirit has such an old mother. I feel really selfish.
I don't look 50. I definitely do not feel 50!!! I feel so young! I am fit, active, have plenty of energy. Someone recently asked me my age, who's known me for a while, and as an experiment I said "I'm 45". They said "45? Really! I thought you were 40!" I confessed and said "Not really, I just turned 50" and they started laughing, saying "Yeah, right".
But the fact is, I am bloody 50.
And I'm shitting myself about it.
Because I'm so worried I've let my little girl down by having her at 40.
She didn't ask to be born to an old mother.
And I never thought this far ahead when I got pregnant at 39.
Please be kind to me.....I'm literally having a panic attack over this.

There’s no guarantee when we lose parents old or young. My partner is mid forty’s has both his parents despite being born when they were 42. I lost mum young.

I work with families and see many parents have children in their 40s. Often second marriages with adult kids and starting again or even first timers. It’s not uncommon.

This seems more your issue tbh.

An aunt of mine was 50 with a one year old. Second child. Family record holder that one.

It is great that you feel so fit and healthy. I don’t drink or smoke etc either, but I felt pretty bad at 50. I am 52 now and still struggling with the perimenopause. As I turned 50 I had the first panic attack of my life. I have become anxious over things I never used to worry about, like flying and driving.

I wonder if it is your hormones that are making you feel so anxious. Anxiety can be one of the first symptoms of the perimenopause. Sorry, I have not read the whole thread so it has probably been mentioned.

I’m 43 with a 3yr old and a 12yr old - different partners. Current DP is 54 - we met later in life and we wanted a child together. He always wanted a family and it had never happened for him and I wanted another one with him too. Yes we’re older and that worries me a little for when little one is older but we live in the moment. Our DD’s are so loved and wanted. Unfortunately many younger parents can’t/don’t say that about their children. It’s quality not quantity and you sound like a wonderful mum with a fantastic relationship with your daughter. Stop worrying and enjoy it. None of us know how much time we have left x

Age is just a number - just do your best to keep fit and healthy, but you're there for your children now and that's what matters. My mum had me at 41, my brother at 42 and then my sister at 44 - so when she turned 50, he had a 9, 8 and 6 year old! I'm 28 now with my mum turning 70 this year - she certainly doesn't look it (not does she act it!) whereas my husband's grandparents are not that much older than my mum and jeez can you tell the difference! Their mindset is very 'old' and it shows - may not be anything to it but definitely don't let it haunt you! I know growing up, I didn't ever consider my mum to be an 'older' mum, so don't feel embarrassed! And yes of course, like other PP's have said, part of me is aware that my mum may not be there when I get to my 40's unlike other people might be, but there's never enough time, and you'll always feel sad about the thought of your parent going, regardless of their age, so don't let it play on your mind too much.

I was going to write to ask if you had considered perimenopause? I’m 50 and suffered extreme anxiety last year about different things that weren’t anxiety inducing really. It was horrendous and really affected my life. Some HRT quickly resolved that. Something to think about as you shouldn’t be feeling this anxious about your age and time with your daughter. Its almost ruining the time you have with her now. By the way I’m 50 with a 13 year old so not much older than your daughter and this isn’t something I feel anxious about. I hope you find a way to make peace with it.

And she idolises me. I mean she absolutely dotes on me. Covers me in kisses and cuddles and gives me dazzling smiles all the time and basically tells me every single day that she loves me and that I'm her world. She says she's happiest when she's with me. And we have the most lovely time imaginable together. She's the best company ever. She is sooooooo kind. Soooooo sweet. So funny, creative, imaginative, caring, engaging, interesting and interested in everything and everyone around her. She's thankful and grateful and charming. Everyone who meets her tells me she's adorable. And she's as good as gold. So well behaved. She's a dream come true.

Sounds like you're a fantastic mum to me.

Relax and enjoy your life with your daughter.

My mum was three weeks shy of 37 when I was born. She's 90 now so back in 1970 gibing birth at 36 was pretty old. I did occasionally notice at school that she was an older mum - I had a friend whose mum was 17 when she was born - but most of the time I just got on with living my life with my family.

Mum stayed very active - we used to go for three mile walks and chat as we walked until she was in her early 80s. Many of my friends with younger mums have already lost their mum but mine is still going strong albeit in a care home with dementia. The dementia has dulled her personality a little but she can still show her personality and love.

Don't worry about your age, just get on with living the life you have as much as you can.

My parents were older parents, my Dad was 51 when I was born, mum 40. It never crossed my mind that they were old, I was always so proud of my mum when people thought she looked younger. My biggest issue was that she was restricted in what she would do with me, wouldn't get in a pool with me, couldn't roll around tickling me, but I'm not sure that was age issues - more generational issues. Your daughter won't care, once you're over 20 you're old to them anyway 🤣

With the kindest of intentions, get over yourself!

I’m 30 and I’m always the youngest parent at kids birthday parties, my DC is 5. I’d say there’s a couple who are also in their early 30s but the others are all around your age.

DHs mum had him when she was mid forties and she’s still around now that he’s 40, he said when he was at school it was his friend who’s mum had him at 16 who was embarrassed when he realised he was in secondary school and it was his mums 30th birthday, so it works both ways, mums are just embarrassing full stop when you’re a teen!

In the nicest possible way……..calm the fuck down! Your daughter sounds loved, happy and lucky 😊

Absolutely a thing - I’ve really struggled with anxiety recently, totally new, totally out of the blue, and perimenopause seems the most likely culprit.

I had my DD at 45, neither she nor I have ever been embarrassed about my age. I think it's an advantage, as I have myriad experiences in my life to call upon. Most of my friends already had their families, so I was able to watch/help them with their children.
Enjoy your child, she won't be embarrassed by your age, there are plenty of other things mothers do to ensure their children are embarrassed, my kitchen disco has always made mine squirm, with a smile.

OP- my closest friend has just turned 50. She has a 13 year old and an 11 year old. Her husband is 70. He is definitely the oldest parent at the school gate and is often mistaken for granddad.

Her approach is to shrug and say 'well- it's possibly not ideal but they have one young parent and what are you going to do? Put them back or wish you never had them?' Life isn't neatly parcelled up.

It does sound like your anxiety over this is a symptom- or a displacement exercise - and you as you recognise are having anxiety. I would go to the GP and talk it over and maybe have some therapy. You are a loving mum and your DD is loved. She's already a lucky girl with a lucky life.

Hope you are feeling better this morning, OP.

Two of the women in my family had children when older than 40, never an issue.

I was just about to turn 42 when I had my daughter. It never occurred to me to think like this.
She’s 16 now; we’re still close, go out and about together. She teases me about being ancient, but only in the sense that I’m her parent.
Anyway, it’s not as if you can make yourself younger or not have had a child at 40.

I know what you mean OP, I am 52 with a 14 yr old DD. In junior school she would say to my DH and I that “so and so’s Mum is only 32” or whatever. Luckily we were only the second oldest parents and not the first!

I do feel bad as like you say, I felt pretty young when I had her - but what can we do?

I make sure I keep fit and healthy so that I can still do active things with her. This week I am ice skating, like we do every half term and in the Summer I chose an active place where I know I will be whizzing down water shoots at the aqua park! I live near a theme park which I have also done to death with her. Last year we got kayaks and paddle boards.

When I think how my Mum was at my age, there is no way she would have done half the things I do, even when she was younger, so I don’t feel too terrible.

I don’t think about my age (until the next day when I am aching) but just think about giving DD a fab childhood whilst you can, that’s literally all you can do. 💐

Well, sounds like you are going through the thought process you could/should have had before you became pregnant. No point being embarrassed now, being an older mum has some benefits but as they say 'it is what it is' . I'm sure you are a lovely mum , don't make it more of an ordeal for her and you than is helpful.

Name changed as very outing. I understand the guilt OP - I was 41(almost 42) when I had my DS. He's 13 now. I was a young 41,and even now, no one believes our ages, but it doesn't change the facts. His Dad is 60. To make matters worse, re decision making, we've been together nearly 35 years. He's never once commented on our ages though, and he's not one to hold back /spare feelings 🤣 We've just got to crack on OP and do our best,in the time we have. Personally, I'm taking early retirement, to look after both myself and him. 🎉 I'm working on supporting positive MH, social skills, and independance (he's ND, very intelligent, and funny, but very socially anxious outside of his friendship circle). Your little one sounds fabulous - as does your relationship. Give yourself a pat on the back and crack on!

I had my second a month before turning 40. She's now also 9 and I'll be turning 50 this year. I feel young and fit like you. I'm sure you know it's all in your head. 50 is a big milestone age. I'm sure you'll get used to it soon. We'll worry again when we are 60 with a child at university.

My husband is 53 with a 10 year old 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mum had me at 42. She died at 70 after 5 years of cognitive decline which I must admit I did feel a bit cheated by, but we had a lovely relationship and I think 70 is relatively young to die these days, really

OP many other kids in your daughter's class will also have mums 50 and over. Do you want to tell them they have let their children down too? It's the norm nowadays. Don't attach so much importance to a number. You're healthy, that's all that matters.