To be embarrassed that I'm 50 with a 9 year old

[AshdownForest]

I was 40 when I had my second child. I'm 50 now. She is 9 now, and turns 10 in a couple of months.
Just help.
I'm having an absolute crisis.
I am sooooooo embarrassed for my daughter's sake that she is only 9, soon to be 10, and I am FIFTY!!!
She must think I'm so old!
When I got pregnant at 39, I felt so young and excited to be pregnant. And when I had her at 40 I didn't even bat an eyelid at my age. I was just so ecstatic to have her and I felt so young that I didn't think about my age. I had fertility problems with my first child so we became parents 3 years later than we'd planned. Then it took 6 months to conceive naturally second time round and it meant that my second child was born when I was 40. I never thought I'd have a baby as late as 40 but plans didn't turn out the way we thought they would.
Anyway, all through my 40s, my age had never bothered me.
But suddenly I've hit 50 and I'm thinking holy shit, I'm FIFTY with a tiny little girl!
I suddenly feel like I must be an embarrassment to her (never felt this before now). I feel I've let her down. I feel I've set her up for losing her mother when she's still a young adult. I won't be here when she's my age.
And she idolises me. I mean she absolutely dotes on me. Covers me in kisses and cuddles and gives me dazzling smiles all the time and basically tells me every single day that she loves me and that I'm her world. She says she's happiest when she's with me. And we have the most lovely time imaginable together. She's the best company ever. She is sooooooo kind. Soooooo sweet. So funny, creative, imaginative, caring, engaging, interesting and interested in everything and everyone around her. She's thankful and grateful and charming. Everyone who meets her tells me she's adorable. And she's as good as gold. So well behaved. She's a dream come true.
So I feel terrible that such a wonderful little spirit has such an old mother. I feel really selfish.
I don't look 50. I definitely do not feel 50!!! I feel so young! I am fit, active, have plenty of energy. Someone recently asked me my age, who's known me for a while, and as an experiment I said "I'm 45". They said "45? Really! I thought you were 40!" I confessed and said "Not really, I just turned 50" and they started laughing, saying "Yeah, right".
But the fact is, I am bloody 50.
And I'm shitting myself about it.
Because I'm so worried I've let my little girl down by having her at 40.
She didn't ask to be born to an old mother.
And I never thought this far ahead when I got pregnant at 39.
Please be kind to me.....I'm literally having a panic attack over this.

I'm 53 with a 12 year old. 3 years ago I was 50 with a 9 year old. I had her 3 weeks before my 41st birthday.

It's never crossed my mind to be embarrassed about it!

Once you get to a certain age you realise it's not about milestones necessarily.
It's about living a clean moral life and being around loved ones. Age does not matter as long as you are kind to your kids

My mum was 50 when I was 9 in 1990. Yes I did get a couple of comments in school but it didn't bother me. She was young to me and beautiful.

I’m 49 with a 9 year old (I was a month off 41 when DC was born). I’m not ashamed or embarrassed about my age and neither is my DC. Please consider seeing your GP as this is not a normal reaction or thought process and don’t let your DD know of your angst over your ages.

Ant mcpartlin is about to be a dad at 48 and his wife is 46. Plenty of babies born to people in their 40's and it has always been the case.

Clearly assisted conception though. Ant has said he had fertility issues which contributed to the break up of his first marriage.

Yeah this is irrational and it seems like you are projecting these feelings onto your child which is REALLY not healthy for her at all. Might be worth talking to someone about this - counsellor, therapist - to work through.

Me neither. I also had a nine year old, and a seven year old at 50. Never felt embarrassed. I was never mistaken for their gran as I looked younger than my age, which probably helps. I do remember when my older son told me his classmate’s gran was younger than me 😁

You mention you have started feeling anxious generally. I think you have a MH issue of anxiety, your mind is trying to find a focus for your ( baseless, generalized) anxiety and has focused on the ( bluntly non-issue) issue of your age. You are fit, healthy and have no reason to be anxious about your age or ill-health. In your posts, I can hear your anxiety racing through your mind, desperately trying to latch onto reasons for its existence. I suggest that the cause of your anxiety is something else. Possibly peri-menopause.

You must know that it’s quite common for women to have babies at 40 plus.

You must also realise that your post is really quite offensive to olenty of other mothers on this thread. I am 50 with a seven year old. My friend is 50 with a six year old.

A pp said ‘Stop being so self-indulgent’ which was blunt but true. You literally have no problems in your life. You are fit healthy, with happy children, live in a nice, safe place, presumably have no money worries if you have spare capacity to obsess on this non-issue. Never has someone been more in need of counting their blessings.

Given the state of my life, I admit, reading your post, it’s been hard to try to write advice calmly. You have no idea how blessed you are.

Get some HRT and see if that sorts it and start being grateful for your health, lovely life and lovely child.

Well you can't change it and it's only a number so no point agonising.

I'm turning 50 in May and my youngest will turn 10 just a few days before so similar timing to you and your daughter.

Like you i look younger than my age and act it too. I'm slim and fit and active and don't dress frumpily. Also several of her classmates mums were around 40 when they were born. A couple are older than me. (Quite a few a lot younger too I'll admit!) But it's really not stand-out unusual any more to be 50 when your kid is still primary age.

I had secondary infertility and tried for 5 years to have her, so absolutely no regrets.

I have a lot more money and flexibility in my career than when I had my eldest (at age 30). Money is not everything but its very useful!

My husband (her dad) was 53 when she was born. I worry more about that. Not what people think but if he'll still be around and going strong until she's a young adult at least. But it is what it is and you just have to make the best of it. My son has two friends who each had a parent who died when they were still at school (one had cancer, one was in a car accident), much younger than us. You just can't tell how things turn out.

I'm going to be nearly 52 when my daughter will turn 10. I'm looking forward for her to turn 15 and with my grand total of 57 if we are ok financially etc we are going to have a large trip to Japan, Italy or Australia. She loves those countries, she may well change her mind and rather go somewhere else. However if we are able we will have a large holiday and it will be fab.

I'm not the only one with grey on my head in her school and I fell as good as I can everyday.

Don't let that feeling drag you down.

I can understand you OP. I’m 48 with a 7 year old and I wish so much that I was younger! This is partly as I worry about not being around for her as long and partly as I don’t want to embarrass. I think we’re wrong to feel like this but we can’t always help our feelings, can we?

I’m 50 with a 10 year old. I don’t have a problem with it, I don’t know why you do. Look after yourself and stay as healthy/active as you can for her.
I think you just need to change your mindset, age is just a number.

I mean this kindly, but get a grip! It's really not abnormal these days. My sister was a month off 40 when she had her second child. When my mum was 50 (27 years ago!), I was 7. When my best friend turns 50, she will have a 6 year old and a 4 year old (she is currently 45 and pregnant with her second). You are not unusual at all! Just breathe and enjoy your gorgeous-sounding daughter.

I'm 50 with a 10 year old, not sure what the problem is?

I've just seen you post and thought, Christ! I'm 50 with a 9 year old. It's not really crossed my mind. Is it such a big deal?

@AshdownForest

I had my second at age 47 and DC has SEN. DC is so happy and sees the world in a different way and I now see the world through different eyes. My aim is to be as fit as possible, I don’t drink and eat healthily. If anyone is judgemental, it essentially allows me to sort the people who it’s worth spending my time with. I have two gorgeous children who are well behaved, thriving, happy and secure - and love life. They both have the gift of living and enjoying this world and that worth far more than people who are negative or sneer.

Op I am an older mum too. Had my first at 39 and the second at 42. I too wish I was younger and I too wonder how it will affect my daughter. I too wish I was younger. At least a few years. And I too sometimes feel embarrassed about my age.

I don't know why you are getting such a hard time here. Your feelings are valid in the sense thst they are your feelings and it's not unreasonable to wonder about these things. There are plenty of threads on mumsnst where posters absolutely shred to pieces older parents calling them selfish and worse. I assume it's not the same posters but my point is to many people in society it is something to be judged.

As you know there are both disadvantages and advantages to being an older mum. There are lots of brilliant young mums around of course but for me I don't think I'd have been as good a parent as I can be now. I'd have been a different kind of parent. Not just a younger one.

And my kids would have been different kids. As another poster said your daughter could have only been conceived at that moment from that particular egg and sperm and that particular environment she has grown up in. If you change any variable she wouldn't be the same person.

Focus on staying fit, healthy and active for as long as possible. I'm not. According to one of those stats measuring machines in the gym I'm about ten years older than my chronological age. I tell myself that Rather than wishing that i was younger or wishing it wasn't 2024 yet I should better focus on losing some weight and grtting healthier as that would shave years off my biological age.

It sounds like you and your daughter are doing fine and you sound like an amazing mum. Don't be embarrassed. As long as you are doing the best you can for your daughter you've got nothing to be ashamed of.

Lots of hugs and best wishes to you.

Really?! Be grateful you have a child.

I really don’t see what the problem is. There are so many ‘older’ mums at every school it really is a non-issue. My dc’s have parents of all ages and nobody cares or passes judgement.

I think you have a bit of a warped idea of what 50 means these days, to be honest. You don't look 10 years younger, you look 50, but our ageist society thinks 50 is grey hair frumpiness when it just is not. Don't absorb the negative messages - fabulous, stylish women out and about in senior roles will often be in their 50s. People will say they look younger as if looking young is the ultimate compliment. Women in their 50s are often, slim, fit healthy active - just like you. You don't have to appear younger, nothing will change the fact you are 50, you have to embrace 50 as nothing to be ashamed of and not old, decripit and on the scrap heap.

You are making a massive mountain out of a molehill. A child can lose young parents and grow up without them, you have no health issues so be grateful. There is no guarantee for a long life for anyone.

I'm 50, with a 9 year old. Never occurred to me to be embarrassed.

I think you have worries no matter what age you have them.

I had my eldest at just 16 and I think I've had a panic before that if I get old and need care, he won't be much behind me!!!!

There will be a million different reasons she'll be embarrassed of you. I crossed DD2s class at the swimming pool when she was about 12. We were all fully dressed.

Her friends came up and said hi. She commando crawled past in an attempt to not be seen! I had her at 34.

Any reason is embarrassing for them.

Just happy to be a mum of three amazing primary aged children at over fifty!

Too busy loving life to be embarrassed about it, wouldn’t even consider that. I’m one of many…