When you enter someone’s home what is the consensus and reason

[Lighrbulbmo]

For who greets first please.
please be kind and help me out, I have a regular visitor who arrives and doesn’t greet me. They might after a bit say something but the lack of a hi or hello is really annoying. I am a generous and nice host I think…. I am also prepared to be told I’m wrong but please can I gather opinions?

YANBU it’s basic manners to greet the host rather than ignore them
YABU it doesn’t matter

It would be rude if she didn't answer you.

Huffing about her not saying hello nice and loudly exactly when you expect it is your choice.

God I wouldn't stand for that. She's coming into my house, I say hello, she says hello back. If her upbringing has failed to educate her in the manners of a five year old, then I'd certainly rectify that. Or it's no drink and a biscuit for her.

Is she incredibly shy? What are her family like? Very meek and quiet? I wouldn't like this, but would expect her to be more communicative. Do you sit and have conversations? Ask her how her A'level Art portfolio is coming along? Or how her job is going?

The visitor does respond, she just doesn't initiate.

See I can imagine my DD, who’s 27, would be a bit like this. She has autism and is very shy and awkward in social situations and wouldn’t voluntarily speak up. She’s often in a state of panic when she arrives somewhere. She’d be looking for your DS and wouldn’t be settled enough to speak to you without first knowing he’s there.

So your son comes in with his GF (of 2 years) he says hi mum, GF remains silent unless you speak directly to her?
is this correct?
Has she never initiated conversation?
is she shy?

people have different social standards - there’s no right way, is there?

in a sense, I wouldn’t want to date someone who lives with their parents (I’m in my 20s) due to awkward things like this.

I’m respectful of other people but never want to be overbearing. I would say hello, but not necessarily stop for a long conversation if I thought you were busy for example. So therefore, I wouldn’t necessarily go into the room you’re in every time I visit to say hello in case I was disturbing you or annoying you - unless we have that established relationship. but I might shout hi.

to be honest I think you have a problem with your son rather than his GF. He should be the one addressing any awkwardness, setting the standard for her and letting her know what’s normal in your house or not. He should let you know when she may be coming over, how long she may stay etc so you’re not surprised.

when I was a teen, sometimes I’d spend time with my boyfriend’s family but sometimes it was just a case that I’d be in his room and it was under wraps lol! Same when visiting my friends. I’d say hello to their family but I might not have a full blown chat every time I’m there.

Rude

Do they join in conversation afterwards?

Have you spoken to your son about this?

Also if they’re being intimate when she’s over it can be awkward going from that to immediately being chatty with parents especially if she’s shy. You might be thinking “she’s not spoken to me all day, how rude” whereas she’s struggling to look you in the eye.

It’s something that will get better in time/with experience perhaps?

Again another reason why I wouldn’t date someone who lives with parents. I don’t need partner’s parents watching over my sex life or even having that level of awareness.

Spain anxiety or shyness.

If you can't attempt to understand that and make her feel welcome by saying 'hi, Emma' then you the rude one. I'd expect a host to be warm and welcoming, not grumpy because I didn't holler up 'hi' to them.

If she's a nice girl, who speaks if you intimate, then you know she's not rude. If she's generally shy, you again know she's not doing it out of rudeness🙄🙄🙄

100% this.

my sons mate used to do this and it drove my oh batty, we had a word and he changed.

this is something the DS can fix.

I kinda think it's your responsibility to initiate greeting when someone comes in your house. It's like when someone calls you, you're the first to say hello, when someone visits you, you're the first to say hello.

She'd feel alot more welcome if you just said "Hi Jane, How're you?"

She is obviously uncomfortable initiating a conversation. Show her by example. Be nice and chatty to her.

Are you saying she ignores you if you're actually in the same room or yoi let her in? Because that's rude. But I don't expect my adult children and their partners to come and find me to say hello or goodbye when they come in and out, or to call out. The visitor is for my children, whose home this is, not for me.

Can't believe anyone's voted YABU to this. This person is being incredibly rude! I'd stop letting them in if they couldn't be arsed even greeting me in my own home.

That would be a horrible thing to do to someone very anxious / painfully shy, and would have the effect of making it even harder for them to speak. It’s also FAR ruder than they are being.

My teen has selective mutism. The ‘cat got your tongue?’ comments and drawing attention to their silence makes it a million times worse. It would be a huge challenge for them to go to someone’s house in the first place, they might never leave the house again if someone did this.

She's probably just a bit shy or socially awkward. Just greet her in a friendly way and don't make a big deal of it.

This.
Your posts are very cryptic OP. Please don’t worry - being an adult with an adult son who has a girlfriend isn’t going to be outing. You can give us more details!
If she comes into the room you’re in, talks to your son but ignores you, then that’s rude.
If she goes with your son to his room, without seeking you out and saying hello, then that’s not rude.

The persons whose home it is should be the one to initiate and say hello first.

The host should be the one who is welcoming the guest into their home.

In the future, when the guest gets more comfortable they may initiate it but not everyone feels comfortable doing this.

They sound weird

Definitely not making armchair diagnoses, we can’t possibly know. But selective mutism (or the better, more recent term, situational mutism) is a real possibility here. There are levels of SM. My teen was completely mute outside the home at one stage, but has progressed to the point that they would be able to give a short, quiet answer to a direct question, but definitely wouldn’t be able to initiate conversation.

Social niceties like hello, goodbye, thank you, are often amongst the hardest things for people with SM to say.

If it is this, the recommended approach is never to draw attention to their mutism, or refer to them as quiet etc. And to adopt a zero pressure approach, no pressure whatsoever to speak, no expressing surprise if they do.

Even if this person doesn’t have SM, such an approach can’t hurt. Calling them rude, getting ds to tell her she’s rude, etc, is just likely to mortify her and make it even less likely that she’ll speak.

And you sound horrid and judgemental. Breaks my heart to think that people will have these attitudes towards my lovely, largely silent, teenager.

Weird, rude, etc… I’d really have hoped that people were generally more accepting of differences than this.

As far as I can work out your dc's friend will speak if spoken to but is otherwise a bit socially awkward and doesn't initiate an ingratiating hello to you when she enters your home and this has got your back up a bit? I think if you want to talk about etiquette then if you are welcoming someone into your home you should great and welcome first but this situation is a but different because she's not even your guest. Maybe she finds you a bit intense.

Ask her a question

Hello Lisa, how are you feeling today? For example