Husband vaping…previous denial, but I’ve just caught him

[NirvanaUnplugged]

I’ve had my suspicions for a long while (at least 1 1/2 years) that my husband has been secretly vaping; mysterious smoky hazes in the bathroom, the sweet artificial fruit scents…I’ve asked him outright if he was vaping, and he denied it vehemently. I said I’d be really upset if it turned out he’d been lying. Our children have both noticed the smoky haze too.

Our 9 year old DS is staying out tonight, so DH is sleeping in his room as sometimes we both get a better night’s sleep if we’re separate. He went to bed, but then came into my about 30 mins later (I was still up reading). He kissed me & I could smell the fruity vape smell. Asked him outright if he’d been vaping. He said no. I went into DS’s bedroom and it was smoky, and stank of fruit. I asked again and he denied it. I begged him to tell me the truth and he just stared me at me for ages & then he admitted it.

I feel so sad that he’s been making me feel like I’m going mad when I’ve asked him before, and I hate the fact he’s lied to me. I just feel numb.

AIBU to feel really shit about this?? Also, doing it in our son’s bedroom feels really grubby.

🤔he's a grown man, in a child's bedroom is a no.

He shouldn’t have lied about it but I don’t think it’s as big a deal as you are making it out to be.

It's not this much of a big deal surely? Numb?

I mean he shouldn't have lied but 🤷‍♀️

So what? He's an adult. I don't think he should be dishonest about it but you don't come across as very reasonable. Did he used to smoke?

Have you told him he's 'not allowed' to be a vaper or something??

It's not crack cocaine 🤣

I guess I wouldn’t lie if I’d been asked outright, so I’m judging him against my own standards, so yeah, I feel pretty low about the dishonesty. It’s not the vaping, it’s the lying.

He hasn’t smoked since his early 20s; he’s now late 30s.

For me it’s the lying.

No, never. I’ve just asked him if he was vaping when it appeared as though he had been.

it’s breaking your trust over a long time.

Thanks for that. I thought they were one and the same 🙄

It's the fact that he's made you feel like you're going mad, rather than admit the truth. That's cruel.

Why couldn't he just tell you that he's vaping? Why hide it and lie about it?

Ask yourself why does he feel the need to lie to you?

Fucking hell

Yeah the lying is really shit. He must be really ashamed of himself. I picked up vaping after quitting smoking over 10 years previously, I do it on and off and on again, as I'm so embarrassed and keep quitting and then I lose my resolve occasionally. It's much harder to stop than smoking as the smell doesn't linger. It isn't a risk to DC to do it indoors when they are not there, from what I researched anyway.

Hi OP, I'd be more pissed he's lying about it than the actual vaping itself! And to continuously lie every time you ask him about it would be a red flag in itself that if he's lying about this then what else is he lying about. If it where me I'd soon me losing any trust in my husband and would then be questioning if we have a future together. Certainly not if it's based on lies as no trust equals no relationship in my eyes!

Why is he lying though? Surely if he wants to vape he can vape - or would it result in a massive argument?

I get it OP. It's the lying. It's really poor behaviour especially when you've asked him outright so many times.

Then this is a relapse. If he didn't pick up a vape he would gave picked up a cigarette, it's that simple. Be pleased that he chose to do the one that is MUCH much safer. Don't be judgemental & mean.

He's hiding it cos he still carries the stigma from smoking, so I'd advise not reinforcing that stigma - he can vape in the house, zero reason to prevent that.

An ex-smoker is just a smoker who doesn't smoke, for some the desire never ever goes away which is why ppl relapse to cigs after many many years.

Thank you for sharing that; he was mortified and embarrassed when he finally admitted it. He has an addictive personality, so I’m not surprised by it at all, just feel like an idiot because of the lying.

Gateway drug though, .......apparently.

The lying about it and doing it in your child's bedroom are not right. Has he said why he has lied about it for so long?

He shouldn't be vaping indoors.

Just tell him if he must do it, to keep it out of the house, especially the kids bedrooms.

Don't feel embarrassed! You quit cigs & now, to stop yourself going back, you vape occasionally & that's ok. Mustn't beat yourself up about it

I understand that it's the lying.
I know how you feel, although in my case my ex lied about not smoking. He used tcp to hide the smell of his breath knowing that I hated the smell of the stuff.
His parents were ex smokers and extremely evangelical about the negatives of it, so he assumed I'd be the same.
I explained to him that I couldn't give a flying fuck if he smoked or not, it was the lying that got to me more.
As it turned out he was an expert liar, due to his upbringing, hence him being an ex.

He said he lied because he’s embarrassed he’s even doing it. He said he’d turned to it when he was stressed (he’d lost his job & then took it up apparently).

I’m not a smoker and have never smoked in my life, so he probably assumes I’d disapprove, but he had no basis upon which to form that opinion as he never gave me the chance as he lied from the outset.

I will not be judgemental about the vaping itself…I truly do believe he’s a grown man & it’s up to him. I just have to give myself some time to work out how I feel about the dishonesty.