Husband vaping…previous denial, but I’ve just caught him

[NirvanaUnplugged]

I’ve had my suspicions for a long while (at least 1 1/2 years) that my husband has been secretly vaping; mysterious smoky hazes in the bathroom, the sweet artificial fruit scents…I’ve asked him outright if he was vaping, and he denied it vehemently. I said I’d be really upset if it turned out he’d been lying. Our children have both noticed the smoky haze too.

Our 9 year old DS is staying out tonight, so DH is sleeping in his room as sometimes we both get a better night’s sleep if we’re separate. He went to bed, but then came into my about 30 mins later (I was still up reading). He kissed me & I could smell the fruity vape smell. Asked him outright if he’d been vaping. He said no. I went into DS’s bedroom and it was smoky, and stank of fruit. I asked again and he denied it. I begged him to tell me the truth and he just stared me at me for ages & then he admitted it.

I feel so sad that he’s been making me feel like I’m going mad when I’ve asked him before, and I hate the fact he’s lied to me. I just feel numb.

AIBU to feel really shit about this?? Also, doing it in our son’s bedroom feels really grubby.

Hmmm you sound a bit full on. He's only vaping. Is there a reason he might be stressed? I'm super stressed right now due to kids. I'm sucking on a nicotine lozenge 🤷‍♀️

It's not just the lying though- it's the lies that refuse you the evidence of your eyes and experience. To have someone who you trust listen to your confusion (upon their assertion that they didn't create the haze) to watch you question yourself knowing that they were telling lies... it's cruel. It's almost laughing at your trust. Challenging your faith in them to the point where you mistrust your own knowledge. It's gaslighting put shortly.

Literally why do you feel shit about it?!? It's his deal not yours

Because she's controlling and he can't be honest without going through an ordeal

I’m not sure where I came across as full on? There was blatant evidence of him having done something in our house that was out of character, and I asked him to confirm whether it was true. This happened multiple times and so, yes, I did expect a straight answer.

Yes, this is exactly how I feel.

I just have to give myself some time to work out how I feel about the dishonesty.

It might help to think of it in the same way as secret binge eating.

A lot of binge eaters do it in secret because they're disgusted and embarrassed at themselves.

Would you be more understanding about the secrecy if it was food and he was obese?

Because he lied, not because he vaped! Substitute it for anything else if you like…I have never told him he can’t smoke, because as far as I knew, he’d never been a smoker whilst we’d been in a relationship, so it’s never even come up for us.

Time for a new patio.

Yes, I think so. That is a helpful comparison. Thank you.

If he’s stressed, I definitely want to support him, I’m just a bit thrown by it right now. I’m sure I’ll feel better in the morning.

Then maybe be curious about why this is happening. Try to understand without judgement what is happening for him. Seems odd if he isn't a former smoker and isn't super stressed

"Because she's controlling and he can't be honest without going through an ordeal"

That's entirely conjecture. I understand the premise of mumsnet itself is a one sided story, but surely we have to accept what's written as truth and not insert things that weren't written? Because op says she wouldn't and hasn't been judgy. She says she'd have been ok (is ok with it- BUT for the lies) there's no evidence she's created an "ordeal" for him now beyond being hurt at his deception and lies (although the story does include his creating an ordeal for her and dc- where they find the haze and smell and are denied the evidence of their truth?!)

I'd not assume, in this case, that it's a reflection on anything else.

Smoking is the single most stigmatising thing you can do that is legal. As a smoker (& it affects ex-smokers too) you're bombarded with messages & imagery that you're disgusting, dangerous & not even worth saving from the illnesses you might get. He might feel that more than most & is carrying that shame & fear of judgement into vaping, which is sad & unnecessary.

To relapse after so long means he must be very stressed indeed but has sense enough to not pick up the cigs (this is very good cos now he's started the habit with something different he'll find it very hard to physically smoke an actual cigarette cos he's associated the sensation with something pleasant tasting & not harsh).

Vaping would be a marriage ender for me. Vaping in the home of our asthmatic child would erupt our marriage into the war of the roses.

no idea why so many people are so blasé and say it’s about the lying.

@Caerulea thank you for helping me to understand what might be behind it all, because I’ll definitely need to start giving that thought once my initial shock subsides.

Well now you know. Peace ✌️

C bedroom not okay but he obviously lies because he knows you are going to make a drama out of it. He's a grown man and you're not his mum

I say that as a non smoker that hates smoker's

I’m confused about why you’re shocked and his lying is a problem now he’s admitted it, when you’ve known for ages he was lying because of the smoky haze and fruity smells

I haven’t made a drama out of him vaping, I’m upset because he’s lied and made me think I was going crazy when I had clearly seen the smoke. He had multiple opportunities to just confirm he was doing it, but instead chose to lie.

No, I’m not keen on him lying in my son’s bedroom and doing it, but that’s the only issue I have with the actual vaping itself.

Because he’s essentially gaslighted me. I said at the time that I knew what I’d seen & smelt and he made out like I was crazy. You start to doubt yourself because you assume your partner wouldn’t lie about something like that…that after the fourth / fifth time they’d at least come clean. I feel stupid for doubting myself too, if I’m honest.

Bit of an overreaction. Hardly crime of the century. Why do you feel you have to impose your own no vaping mantra on him? What other pedantic "i don't like it so you better not do it" restrictions with over the top reaction consequences do you force upon? He must walk around on eggshells in your relationship.

Yeah I honestly would end the relationship over this. It's not the vaping. Not even the vaping in yours child's room. It's the LYING!!! Honestly I would be ending the relationship there and then. The trust is gone. You're finding out that he actually has no respect for you as a person at all. I always find it super weird as well when they lie about things that there's no need to lie about. Screams psychopath to me.

I'd take his PlayStation off him for at least a week... oh hang on you said DH not a 10 year old DS!

A psychopath you say?

Who is this "they" you speak of?

Id be furious at the lies and the fact he's being doing it inside the house and your kids bedroom.

Even the kids have noticed. It's extremely disrespectful. He's a fucking adult putting his habit before anything else.

It's vile. I'd not be putting up with it.