Husband vaping…previous denial, but I’ve just caught him

[NirvanaUnplugged]

I’ve had my suspicions for a long while (at least 1 1/2 years) that my husband has been secretly vaping; mysterious smoky hazes in the bathroom, the sweet artificial fruit scents…I’ve asked him outright if he was vaping, and he denied it vehemently. I said I’d be really upset if it turned out he’d been lying. Our children have both noticed the smoky haze too.

Our 9 year old DS is staying out tonight, so DH is sleeping in his room as sometimes we both get a better night’s sleep if we’re separate. He went to bed, but then came into my about 30 mins later (I was still up reading). He kissed me & I could smell the fruity vape smell. Asked him outright if he’d been vaping. He said no. I went into DS’s bedroom and it was smoky, and stank of fruit. I asked again and he denied it. I begged him to tell me the truth and he just stared me at me for ages & then he admitted it.

I feel so sad that he’s been making me feel like I’m going mad when I’ve asked him before, and I hate the fact he’s lied to me. I just feel numb.

AIBU to feel really shit about this?? Also, doing it in our son’s bedroom feels really grubby.

@doilooklikeicare the "they" is obviously the buffoons who like to seek out opportunities to lie.

I have a degree in psychopath-y from the University of Sillygoosery, so I know what I'm talking about

What vaping mantra?? Where have I said what my thoughts are on vaping? I said I asked him if he’d been vaping and he has lied to me repeatedly, and it’s that what is causing my upset.

Clearly you passed the degree with flying colours.....

Hi Op, this is the same scenario ive just been through with my H. Walking into rooms that stunk of sweet smelling vape. Fierce denial. Turns out i was right. My issue is, our teen has started vaping and whilst im asking them not to do it, theres Dad doing it. What example is it setting 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry you’re going through similar; has he admitted it yet?

There's nothing embarrassing about it, but it seems you disapprove. He was foolish to do it in the house and deny it, and in your kid's bedroom? If he's not meant to do it in the house then send him outside, or tell him he must do it next to an open window. I think concealing/ minimising smoking/ vaping from partners is not so uncommon. I think you need to just tell him to be honest with you in future as well. It's not the worst thing he could be doing though, surely?

Well hes never admitted it but the vape on his bedroom side gave it away 🤦🏻‍♀️

it annoyed me as it was obvious he was doing it but the angry denial and dismissal was what pissed me off

Lack of respect to you and your family to vape in the house let alone your son’s bedroom, I hate the smell also, makes me want to gag so for that part he is out of order. But he is a grown man, if he wants to do it then send him down the garden.

I can't believe pp saying it's okay to lie and gaslight your partner. Deceit and cruelty ruin relationships. Not to mention addiction.

Raise your standards.

I couldn't be with a liar (or a vaper). If you don't have trust in a relationship then you don't have anything. And to do it in your kid's room! There's increasing evidence that vaping is harmful to health (unsurprising given you are inhaling stuff into your lungs) and he was happy to expose your child to that. It's not ok.

Time for an open conversation to see if you can resolve this (and I wonder what else he lies to you about?).

If he wasn't vaping he'd probably be smoking, tell him not to vape in your son's bedroom though.

Surely your DH does other things that your teen isn't allowed to? Like drink? Drive? Have sex? All things with a legal age limit.

I just don't understand this literal panic about vaping when a) it diverts smoking behaviour & b) doesn't put kids into hospital or an early grave unlike alcohol! It's just such a low thing to worry about with teens even though it's not ideal.

But kids have ended up hospitalised from vape use - it's not the harmless past-time people are making it out to be.

https://www.sacpa.org.uk/2023/11/10/dozens-of-children-under-ten-hospitalised-for-vaping/#:~:text=There%20have%20been%20a%20big,since%20the%20start%20of%202020.

https://www.lbc.co.uk/news/vape-children-hospital-admissions-quadruple/

https://www.ukat.co.uk/hidden-dangers-of-vaping/

Mostly agree caerulea - but it depends on how old the teen is - some one over 18 has to buy them the vapes don't they ? Unless they get them from unregulated sources. Lots of dodgy disposable vapes being acquired by under 18's until we get more regulation from the government. Vapes bought from unregulated sources can be made up with allsorts of unhealthy stuff.

That's the equivalent of anti-vax rhetoric, sorry, I'm very very close to this topic specifically in terms of the science & legislation. You want to believe it all so nothing I say will change your mind. When the articles cannot give you details you should wonder why, not just on this but on anything.

Totally agree, it's a very very difficult & delicate area. On one hand, we've the lowest smoking rates across all ages ever & that is down to vaping. On the other hand, no, don't want teens doing it. But then some of them will smoke instead... So round & round we go. Old Rishi thinks he's solved it but is about to make it much much worse cos he's a moron.

Illegal (as in unregulated) vapes are terrifying. In the states THC pens (not e-cigs) were cut with something that killed ppl. The potential for the contamination of the liquid, badly made li-ion cells.. The list is endless. Unregulated black market scares the shit out of me. Not Sunak though, prick

How is it when there are actual statistics showing hospital admissions have increased? I don't "want" to believe anything btw - I don't smoke or vape (and neither does anyone in my family) so it's no skin off my nose either way.

I just think it's impossible to say it's completely harmless when it's only been around for a very short period of time and there have been people admitted to hospital as a result of vaping, even if they're very few in numbers.

Illegal (as in unregulated) vapes are terrifying. In the states THC pens (not e-cigs) were cut with something that killed ppl. The potential for the contamination of the liquid, badly made li-ion cells.. The list is endless. Unregulated black market scares the shit out of me. Not Sunak though, prick

And these are exactly the kinds of vapes that children and teens will be smoking - so surely it's not surprising that they're leading to increased hospital admissions?

I'm not sure what it has to do with anti-vax rhetoric

I think you have to look at yourself for your DH get to such a point as a grown adult in his own house has to sneak around and lie about it

I don't understand why he'd lie? Does he think you'd disapprove? Or maybe he doesn't want to set a bad example for the children. After not smoking for 20+ years I've recently taken to vaping after a period of extreme stress (stupid, stupid, I know) but it didn't cross my mind to hide it, despite the fact I'm rather embarrassed by it. Although my children are all grown up now. Has he been very stressed recently?

He lied because he was ashamed - it was nothing to do with how OP would or wouldn't react.

I recently had fire training and one thing that the trainer emphasised was never allowing patients or staff to vape indoors. He said that there were multiple cases coming to light of smoke detectors failing to detect fires due to being clogged by a sticky residue caused by aerosolised glycerin/glycols from vape smoke.
I get why you're upset OP. And it's pretty scary to think that the glue like substance slowly collecting on surfaces, smoke detectors and inside extractor fans will also be collecting in lungs!

That's bizarre cos it's the same excipient (propylene glycol & vegetable glycerine) as is used in theatrical fog so you'd think theatres & clubs would have been having this issue for decades...

He said that there were multiple cases coming to light of smoke detectors failing to detect fires due to being clogged by a sticky residue caused by aerosolised glycerin/glycols from vape smoke.

I'd say that's more likely multiple cases of failure to regularly clean and maintain the smoke alarms.

I think there is a plan to regulate unscrupulous newsagents who sell disposable vape pens to under 18' s . These juices come from china and other countries where there is no regulation on what goes in them There is a shop in my town that is doing this despite numerous complaints of groups of kids hanging outside, coming out with vape pens - complaints from the mainstream vape retailers who only sell to over 18' s and follow all the regulation on uk based manufacturers of the juices as well as other shops on the street that get antisocial behaviour from the teens in big groups hanging outside vaping.
I go past the local college at break time and loads of teens vaping.
I am taking it that a lot of these kids are still dependant financially on their parents ? So the parents must know what they are spending their money the pens are £5 each.
Also supermarkets and other shops selling vape juicein the main shop instead of behind a counter like cigarettes.i think I have read about a government plan to change this to?