Husband vaping…previous denial, but I’ve just caught him

[NirvanaUnplugged]

I’ve had my suspicions for a long while (at least 1 1/2 years) that my husband has been secretly vaping; mysterious smoky hazes in the bathroom, the sweet artificial fruit scents…I’ve asked him outright if he was vaping, and he denied it vehemently. I said I’d be really upset if it turned out he’d been lying. Our children have both noticed the smoky haze too.

Our 9 year old DS is staying out tonight, so DH is sleeping in his room as sometimes we both get a better night’s sleep if we’re separate. He went to bed, but then came into my about 30 mins later (I was still up reading). He kissed me & I could smell the fruity vape smell. Asked him outright if he’d been vaping. He said no. I went into DS’s bedroom and it was smoky, and stank of fruit. I asked again and he denied it. I begged him to tell me the truth and he just stared me at me for ages & then he admitted it.

I feel so sad that he’s been making me feel like I’m going mad when I’ve asked him before, and I hate the fact he’s lied to me. I just feel numb.

AIBU to feel really shit about this?? Also, doing it in our son’s bedroom feels really grubby.

@CHRIS003 A lot of the liquid is made in China but as long as it comes through the proper channels it's already highly regulated in terms of ingredients & quality. Risks from legal vapes amount to rare allergic reactions.

In terms of shelf space in stores, it needs to be more available & appealing to smokers in order to encourage a switch - it's a delicate balance though. Putting it behind counters prevents the smoker from being tempted & also means they can't see the flavours.

Laws already exist for age restrictions, problem is, trading standards don't have the manpower to enforce it. Being a fiver is a good thing, it's cheap enough for adults to try on the off chance to see if it works for them, it's a risk (when you're skint) to waste money so you don't want to get in the way of that.

Whether it's affordable for teens is irrelevant really, cos by law no one should be selling it to them, just like alcohol or knives. The furor around it is disproportionate imo vs the harm alcohol does for example - the hospital admissions pale into insignificance on that comparison. Anyway - just need to enforce the law, like any other age restricted product.

It's a really complex debate & I feel bad for derailing this thread, I tend to stay off these cos I cannot bear the misinformation ppl have. Quite genuinely, and without hyperbole, it's causing smokers to stay smoking & that truly does result in early & horrible death.

It's the fact that he's made you feel like you're going mad, rather than admit the truth. That's cruel.

@NirvanaUnplugged Exactly what he’s done is literally the definition of gaslighting. To set an example for your kids and to keep your living space free of vape toxins I’d suggest you ask him not to vape in the house. There’s a reason why vaping is banned in many indoor spaces, yes it may be better than cigarette smoke but it isn’t great.

Given your OTT reaction, I'm not surprised he lied!

Yeah, let's blame the woman - rather than the man who lied to her for months before finally admitting he did so because was ashamed (and so it was actually nothing to do with her), shall we?

Given how OTT her reaction was, I'm not surprised he lied.

She wouldn't have been "OTT" if she'd just been told the truth to begin with, though, would she?

I think your husband is in need of a bit of self reflection. He has nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about and no reason to hide his vaping. He is a grown man, not a 15 year old and if he wants to vape it is entirely his decision.

If she wasn't the type to go OTT he wouldn't have lied would he.

He's already admitted he lied because he was ashamed - so all your posts are just speculation based on, well, nothing, really.

So are yours. Stalemate.

@Deepmore where have I given a view on how I reacted to him vaping? I haven’t. I’m fully of the belief that he can do what he wants, so long as it doesn’t have a negative impact on the children and I (him vaping in my son’s bedroom has crossed a line for me). The very first time I thought I saw the smoke, I just said “Are you vaping?” I don’t think that constitutes any sort of overreaction. It was a simple question and he chose to lie.

For what it’s worth, he’s been really outspoken about other people vaping (obvious deflection).

You do sound a tiny bit aggressive in your posts.

No, mine are based on what OP has actually said

Putting a smiley face on the end of a post really isn't the killer blow you think it is.

Aside from countering the poster who thought they were being clever by telling me vaping isn’t crack cocaine, I’m not sure where that has come across.

You're not overreacting at all. You likely wouldn't have cared if he'd been open with it, right?

It's just the fact that he's lied about when the truth is obvious

You haven't been aggressive at all - in fact, I think you've been remarkably patient given some of the responses!

Aggressive was a poor choice of word - I apologise.

I stand by my assertion that your reaction was OTT and the strength of it to me indicates a potential reason for him lie to you. I'm not justifying it (although let's be honest a few secrets in a marriage is not necessarily the end of the world).

Are you ok @taylorswift1989 ???

I mean, 'fucking hell' right back at ya!

I mean, the lengths some people will go to always blame the woman. Blows my mind.

@Caerulea and @BagOfBollocks I'm not sure that most households have a regular maintenance schedule for fire alarms as commercial buildings such as theatres do. I have run a community building and had a legal requirement to have yearly inspections and servicing of the whole fire alarm system. The fitted detectors were regularly replaced when required by the fire and security service. I can imagine theatres go through a few detectors over the years whereas my own detectors are the same one since I moved here in 2016.

So wouldn't judge him about the vaping, it is much better than smoking, however I am uneasy as we just don't know the long term effects of it yet and anything other than clean air going into your lungs is going to be not ideal.

Not in the kids bedrooms. No.

Yep, I completely agree it’s far better than actual smoking (and he’s an unpleasant drunk, so preferable to that too).

I’ve said I don’t expect him to quit, just asked him to do it outside. He’s still absolutely mortified, and fully understands why I felt upset about the gaslighting.

Thanks for everyone’s help and definitely for the perspective on his previous smoking habit perhaps leading us here. I’d naively thought he’d quit prior to us being together and that was that, but I realise it’s not that straightforward.

Does he still drink even though he knows he's an unpleasant drunk?

I’d be more asking the question why did he feel the need to lie?