DH and I are going through a really shitty patch. I’m falling into that hole of feeling really awful about myself and wondering if maybe it is my problem, but I don’t think it is.
This evening we had a really long argument which was started off by the fact he came home and there was washing up in the sink. We ended up cycling through several points of contention. The main issue is this:
He feels like when he gets home the house should be clean, quiet, calm. And that I should aim to facilitate this.
I work 7-2 three days of the week and have a day working 9-5.30 when my mum has our kids in the evening. I then pick up our children (DS2 & DS4) and get home for 4pm., obviously later on a late day. They are usually so tired from school/nursery that they basically whinge and scream and cry for half an hour while I try and get their dinner ready etc. Then I get them in the bath, pyjamas etc. I am usually just about getting to cleaning the kitchen and putting toys away when DH gets home. He always storms about saying it’s not a nice atmosphere. To me it feels like he’s walked in the door and made a fuss about having to do something, when I’ve not stopped all day. It was fine, and he’s created the unpleasant atmosphere not walked into one. It then makes reading/homework/bedtime really glum feeling and just a generally low mood to end the day on.
I usually do something out and about with the younger child when he has a day off nursery so we don’t mess the house up.
I have stopped cooking dinner for DH because most of the time he doesn’t eat it. If there’s leftovers from what I have with the kids I leave it in the pot but he doesn’t usually eat it and makes himself something else. He says because I haven’t cleaned the kitchen straight away it delays his dinner. (I usually haven’t cleaned the kitchen straight away because I’m trying to get two children covered in beans into the bath quickly and bath time is a complete shit show in our house”
I try and prioritise quality time with the kids even if it is messy like baking or building dens- he puts them in front of an iPad a lot of the time and is constantly telling them to sit down. If I say “X did this silly thing today” he laments how I let them behave like that and that they aren’t like that if he’s in charge
I’ll admit I’m quite relaxed about most things whereas he can be uptight - eg. He would never let the kids play in the dirt or do baking because of mess. I’m a “we can always clean it” person.
I told him sometimes I do feel really overwhelmed- the children are usually much naughtier for me and ill admit I do sometimes have a “let them get on with it” approach because I feel that especially the older child should be learning to make good choices over being reprimanded constantly. Essentially I’m trying really hard not to be a massive helicopter now our older child is at school.
his response? “It’s not my fault you’re incapable of supervising them properly” - which really hurt.
lately I’ve been trying to be more firm - if he’s being a dick I’ll tell him. His response is to tell me that I’m being negative, or I’m taking his constructive criticism the wrong way. I think he doesn’t like being told straight (which is what he prides himself on doing but obviously can’t take it)
he does all the morning wake ups, he’s more of a morning person and gets up to do the children’s breakfast. But in contrast he will go to bed early and I will stay up later getting on top of washing, doing packed lunches etc so I personally feel like that’s quite fair. He does take the kids out at the weekend, usually to his parents so I can get in top of cleaning, shopping etc. We do family stuff, clubs etc at the weekend too. I still feels like I’m never doing enough and sometimes he will question what I’ve done or how I’ve done it, eg. Feel the floor like he doesn’t believe me when I’ve mopped.
How can we fix this? Am I a hot mess and need to step up? I know I’m not perfect but the way he is at the moment I feel like I’m under pressure all the time to please him. Honestly? I just feel like a failure because I feel like I put everything into our family life.
YABU - he’s right, you need to sort yourself out and make more of an effort for him.
YANBU - family life is messy and he’s being too uptight