Do I need to up my game? (Sorry it’s a long one)

[ChasingStar]

DH and I are going through a really shitty patch. I’m falling into that hole of feeling really awful about myself and wondering if maybe it is my problem, but I don’t think it is.

This evening we had a really long argument which was started off by the fact he came home and there was washing up in the sink. We ended up cycling through several points of contention. The main issue is this:

He feels like when he gets home the house should be clean, quiet, calm. And that I should aim to facilitate this.

I work 7-2 three days of the week and have a day working 9-5.30 when my mum has our kids in the evening. I then pick up our children (DS2 & DS4) and get home for 4pm., obviously later on a late day. They are usually so tired from school/nursery that they basically whinge and scream and cry for half an hour while I try and get their dinner ready etc. Then I get them in the bath, pyjamas etc. I am usually just about getting to cleaning the kitchen and putting toys away when DH gets home. He always storms about saying it’s not a nice atmosphere. To me it feels like he’s walked in the door and made a fuss about having to do something, when I’ve not stopped all day. It was fine, and he’s created the unpleasant atmosphere not walked into one. It then makes reading/homework/bedtime really glum feeling and just a generally low mood to end the day on.

I usually do something out and about with the younger child when he has a day off nursery so we don’t mess the house up.

I have stopped cooking dinner for DH because most of the time he doesn’t eat it. If there’s leftovers from what I have with the kids I leave it in the pot but he doesn’t usually eat it and makes himself something else. He says because I haven’t cleaned the kitchen straight away it delays his dinner. (I usually haven’t cleaned the kitchen straight away because I’m trying to get two children covered in beans into the bath quickly and bath time is a complete shit show in our house”

I try and prioritise quality time with the kids even if it is messy like baking or building dens- he puts them in front of an iPad a lot of the time and is constantly telling them to sit down. If I say “X did this silly thing today” he laments how I let them behave like that and that they aren’t like that if he’s in charge

I’ll admit I’m quite relaxed about most things whereas he can be uptight - eg. He would never let the kids play in the dirt or do baking because of mess. I’m a “we can always clean it” person.

I told him sometimes I do feel really overwhelmed- the children are usually much naughtier for me and ill admit I do sometimes have a “let them get on with it” approach because I feel that especially the older child should be learning to make good choices over being reprimanded constantly. Essentially I’m trying really hard not to be a massive helicopter now our older child is at school.

his response? “It’s not my fault you’re incapable of supervising them properly” - which really hurt.

lately I’ve been trying to be more firm - if he’s being a dick I’ll tell him. His response is to tell me that I’m being negative, or I’m taking his constructive criticism the wrong way. I think he doesn’t like being told straight (which is what he prides himself on doing but obviously can’t take it)

he does all the morning wake ups, he’s more of a morning person and gets up to do the children’s breakfast. But in contrast he will go to bed early and I will stay up later getting on top of washing, doing packed lunches etc so I personally feel like that’s quite fair. He does take the kids out at the weekend, usually to his parents so I can get in top of cleaning, shopping etc. We do family stuff, clubs etc at the weekend too. I still feels like I’m never doing enough and sometimes he will question what I’ve done or how I’ve done it, eg. Feel the floor like he doesn’t believe me when I’ve mopped.

How can we fix this? Am I a hot mess and need to step up? I know I’m not perfect but the way he is at the moment I feel like I’m under pressure all the time to please him. Honestly? I just feel like a failure because I feel like I put everything into our family life.

YABU - he’s right, you need to sort yourself out and make more of an effort for him.

YANBU - family life is messy and he’s being too uptight

Why have you let him treat you like this? He will be just as horrible to your children, do you realise that? Is that what you want for them? A self-centred father who makes them feel like failures? Bollocks to that, OP. Time to kick him into touch or kick him out. He needs a major reality check, this isn't Stepford.

Your own self esteem is being shot to shit-because of him. And yes he is a massive cock. My exH behaved like this and is an ex for this very reason. Life is 💯 now stress free without his degrading verbal attacks.

I’m a stay at home mum and when my kids were the same age as yours, it was my job to look after them. If anything got done round the house, it was a bonus. Some days nothing got done and we’d work on the house together when DH had finished work, and the kids were in bed. Other times I’d get loads done and proudly show him when he got home and we’d be able to put our feet up for the night. Not once was I made to feel like a hot mess for not having managed the washing up. My DH valued me and the kids having a good day together more than a clean home.

It’s only now that they’re older and at school all day that I get everything done and the house has a chance of being clean & tidy for any length of time.

Your ‘D’H is being massively unreasonable. You should be a team and he should not be speaking to you in a way that makes you question yourself and make you feel like you’re a mess.

The fact that you’re working outside of the home but still expected to do all of the housework is massively unreasonable. I think you sound like you’re doing an amazing job.

Def go away for a few days to recharge. Leave him to do everything. No doubt that will open hua eyes about all that you do.

Ultimately if he carries on you have a decision to take. Try counselling but if he's restitive or it doesn't help for whatever reason, your decision is then about staying or leaving.

Sending a hug x

If you planned an all day event and left him
with the kids and got home at the same time he normally gets home do you think he would have done all he is asking of you? If the answer is no then I’d definitely do just that. Then when you get home you can lecture him on not stepping up, the atmosphere etc.
It sounds to me like he’s actually controlling. Have you ever been concerned that he might be abusive? This image can be helpful for considering that.

He might get loads done around the house by being mean to the children.

OP I think you have misunderstood those of us who have mentioned you being a SAHM, or him paying for a cleaner or nanny. The reason that I mentioned it, is that he's put his dear Mummy on a pedestal, and you need to make him realise that she was only able to be what she was to him, because she was a SAHM, and wasn't working the hours that you do. My thought was to make him see that if he's not in a position to pay for you to do this, then he's not as perfect as his DF was, and to show him that life is different these days, to what it was when he was growing up, so he can't expect things to be the same. I for one would definitely not advocate you being a SAHM if you enjoy working, but would say that you should jointly pay for whatever help is needed, in order for you to be able to do what you want with your life, and still have the standards that you BOTH want in the house.

Goodness knows how he's going to react (assuming you're still together) when your children hit their teens. He'll likely give himself a heart attack, when they don't behave with the respect he thinks he deserves, or don't do what he tells them to do.

Probably not helpful but he sounds like an utter prick.

I think it's abusive, he's running you until you don't know which way is up. The standards will always rise, you're being groomed into a servant/housekeeper.

And definitely find someone to love you as you are, not some unrealistic notion of perfect. That can be him but he needs a bit of the bullying back right at him.

He sounds like an utter twat tbh, someone who wants a robot wife and children to be seen and not heard.
Imagine your life away from him, and think if you would be happier?
personally, I could not live with someone who constantly undermined me and made me second guess myself, but only you know if he makes you happy now, and if he will in the future.

This is such an angry making yet sad thread to read.

I could comment on lots of things but the thing that comes to mind the hardest for me is:

You sound like a really lovely mum. When your kids grow up they will remember the baking and crafting and time you spent nurturing them and teaching them skills like cooking. They will also remember their dad used to come home and treat their mum like a lazy failure for not cleaning so he had the house looking how HE wants it to look. They will grow to learn you are punished for loving them and spending quality time with them because he thought his ‘right’ to an immaculate, quiet and calm home trumped their right to a childhood full of joy with their mum.

In time they will start to internalise feelings of guilt that mum got in trouble and now dad is behaving like a dickhead because they were not child bots who stayed silent and still all afternoon after school so you could polish his castle to his exacting standards. They will think it’s their fault. They will feel guilty asking for your time and spending time with you that takes you away from his exacting demands because then you all get punished.

This is not a safe or happy way for children to grow up.

This is not a way to live for you either. Your husband has no fucking idea what the post school chaos looks like or how important it is to spend connective TIME with your children outside of just dressing them and feeding them etc. Well of course he doesn’t he was packed off to boarding school and in order to soothe the attachment wound that’s given him, he has to do some mental gymnastics about what matters most in a family unit and for him that’s a show home, obedient children etc.

He needs therapy and a big fat spoonful of reality about what most normal family homes operate like with two working parents.

You want to be the sun in someone's life. Not a cloud.

How different(better) would life be without him?

@ChasingStar

and I’ve decided when my wages go up (they will go up by about £10k once qualified) they will be going into a bank account for me. The extra money can go towards a cleaner/things I want to do… I’ll fund my own luxuries thank you!

• Make sure this new account is passworded with a strong and unique password that he won't guess. eg: make your password a sentence and use the first letter of each word plus add a number and a special character so you always remember it.
• Have your salary paid into this new account and just transfer or direct debit from there to the joint/bills account if you have one to pay your share of the mortgage/rent/bills
• Don't spend too much from your new money on luxuries - you'll need that to build up a financial cushion for your leaving fund.... 🌹