Do I need to up my game? (Sorry it’s a long one)

[ChasingStar]

DH and I are going through a really shitty patch. I’m falling into that hole of feeling really awful about myself and wondering if maybe it is my problem, but I don’t think it is.

This evening we had a really long argument which was started off by the fact he came home and there was washing up in the sink. We ended up cycling through several points of contention. The main issue is this:

He feels like when he gets home the house should be clean, quiet, calm. And that I should aim to facilitate this.

I work 7-2 three days of the week and have a day working 9-5.30 when my mum has our kids in the evening. I then pick up our children (DS2 & DS4) and get home for 4pm., obviously later on a late day. They are usually so tired from school/nursery that they basically whinge and scream and cry for half an hour while I try and get their dinner ready etc. Then I get them in the bath, pyjamas etc. I am usually just about getting to cleaning the kitchen and putting toys away when DH gets home. He always storms about saying it’s not a nice atmosphere. To me it feels like he’s walked in the door and made a fuss about having to do something, when I’ve not stopped all day. It was fine, and he’s created the unpleasant atmosphere not walked into one. It then makes reading/homework/bedtime really glum feeling and just a generally low mood to end the day on.

I usually do something out and about with the younger child when he has a day off nursery so we don’t mess the house up.

I have stopped cooking dinner for DH because most of the time he doesn’t eat it. If there’s leftovers from what I have with the kids I leave it in the pot but he doesn’t usually eat it and makes himself something else. He says because I haven’t cleaned the kitchen straight away it delays his dinner. (I usually haven’t cleaned the kitchen straight away because I’m trying to get two children covered in beans into the bath quickly and bath time is a complete shit show in our house”

I try and prioritise quality time with the kids even if it is messy like baking or building dens- he puts them in front of an iPad a lot of the time and is constantly telling them to sit down. If I say “X did this silly thing today” he laments how I let them behave like that and that they aren’t like that if he’s in charge

I’ll admit I’m quite relaxed about most things whereas he can be uptight - eg. He would never let the kids play in the dirt or do baking because of mess. I’m a “we can always clean it” person.

I told him sometimes I do feel really overwhelmed- the children are usually much naughtier for me and ill admit I do sometimes have a “let them get on with it” approach because I feel that especially the older child should be learning to make good choices over being reprimanded constantly. Essentially I’m trying really hard not to be a massive helicopter now our older child is at school.

his response? “It’s not my fault you’re incapable of supervising them properly” - which really hurt.

lately I’ve been trying to be more firm - if he’s being a dick I’ll tell him. His response is to tell me that I’m being negative, or I’m taking his constructive criticism the wrong way. I think he doesn’t like being told straight (which is what he prides himself on doing but obviously can’t take it)

he does all the morning wake ups, he’s more of a morning person and gets up to do the children’s breakfast. But in contrast he will go to bed early and I will stay up later getting on top of washing, doing packed lunches etc so I personally feel like that’s quite fair. He does take the kids out at the weekend, usually to his parents so I can get in top of cleaning, shopping etc. We do family stuff, clubs etc at the weekend too. I still feels like I’m never doing enough and sometimes he will question what I’ve done or how I’ve done it, eg. Feel the floor like he doesn’t believe me when I’ve mopped.

How can we fix this? Am I a hot mess and need to step up? I know I’m not perfect but the way he is at the moment I feel like I’m under pressure all the time to please him. Honestly? I just feel like a failure because I feel like I put everything into our family life.

YABU - he’s right, you need to sort yourself out and make more of an effort for him.

YANBU - family life is messy and he’s being too uptight

OP he's trying to make you feel like you're useless at everything, as it makes him feel superior. If he's always going on about what a wonderful childhood he had, and how no one could live up to his DM, then in your shoes, I'd tell him that if he wants someone who can live up to his DM's standards, then he needs to work harder and earn enough money so that you don't have to go out to work, or alternatively so he can employ a cleaner and a nanny, then you might be in a position to make sure that everything is all clean and shiny, and calm for when he get's home at night, but if he can't do that, then he'll just have to put up with what you can do. Personally, I think he's a control freak, and you'd all be better off without him, but you just haven't realised that yet.

The stuff he says about his Mum, is he trying to say you should live up to her 'standards'? If he went to boarding school I'd imagine his family were wealthy enough to have cleaners at the very least if not other staff. Could he pay for the family to have a cleaner for 3 hours a week?

He sounds like an absolute clunt.

No, but seriously, he sounds exactly like my gaslighting, arrogant ex who eventually ended up in jail.

OP, he sounds dreadful. You're wonderful and he's clearly manipulating and belittling you.

Show him this thread so he can see how most women would view his behaviour.

LTB.

I wanna make him suffer for you OP, make him wash pots & pans, scrub floors, deal with children, clean & tidy & cook & shop all the livelong day & night😈

Obviously he is not the man his father was. Dear old dad managed to afford an elegant wife at home and boarding school fees. I also suspect elegant mum also had a cleaning lady and a gardener. You work near full-time hours and seem to do the bulk of the housework etc.

In over 30 years of marriage my husband has never criticised my somewhat slapdash housekeeping and I have a cleaner too. My husband told me early on thar he hated me piling clothes on the bed so I stopped but that's pretty minimal for over 30 years. He has done his fair share of cooking, cleaning and childcare.

As for criticizing my floor mopping, he'd be just grateful I'd done some.

Your husband sounds like something out of the 1950s with husband ultimate fantasy being you greeting him in the evening wearing a black cocktail dress handing him a martini with the children all tucked up in bed fed. I doubt even the Princess of Wales does this. Hopefully your husband earns well enough to buy you a dishwasher.

He sounds like he thinks it's 1950 and the little lady should know her place
Like hell I'd put up with that shitty attitude/expectation
As for checking the floor after you've mopped it I've no words
Sounds like he needs a reality check and you to have a chat over it or you'll end up full of resentment.
I couldn't live my life this way and wouldn't want my children growing up watching this and thinking it's normal and how women are treated

Learn the phrase "It sounds like you think I have done something wrong"

Instead of disputing the content of what he says, or taking it personally and going quiet, instead immediately address and refer to his tone of voice and the manner in which he's speaking to you.

So we wants a family like his parents had but is he evening earning enough for you to be a SAHM like his DM & he is willing to share all earnings fully even if you are a SAHM?

Can he afford to fund two kids in boarding school too?

I suspect he falls far from his parent's position too.

(Please don't ever give up your job, you'll need it as he's unlikely to change. And yes, he is a massive prick. You are not the problem here.)

WTF am I reading? This is not a loving husband and father. What an arse. It doesn't matter if he were a millionaire and you stayed at home to become a SAHM. He fundamentally does not respect you. He sees women as something to facilitate his perfect life. You're just a cleaner/nanny/sex hole to him. The way he treats you and the unrealistic expectations he has of you tells me he's just an egotistical arsehole.

Once your children are old enough and develop their own personality, they'll dissapoint him too. He's a bully and he won't change.

Do whatever you want going forward but KNOW that 1) he will never change and 2) the expectations will get more unrealistic as the children get older.

Lol quiet house with 2 and 4 year old. Dh used to have kids hanging off him when he got in, eat his dinner with least one dc stuck to him. Then divide and conquer bath and bedtime.

He's a controlling asshole. Stick up for yourself. You're doing more than enough. Suggest you stop working so that you can meet his expectations lol. If he's expecting a stay at home housewife who keeps the house immaculate, surely he can pay all the bills himself then? He's an ass

Two ways to approach this. I’m divorced and my advice is actually not to divorce. This is so incredibly common a problem.

Get yourselves to marriage counseling. You need to sort this out. The problem isn’t you, you know that. The issue is he hasn’t been able to recreate his childhood and is taking it out on you.

The reality is, you working means all the same housework and admin needs to be done. What would happen if you stopped working. How would that affect you guys financially? Is that what he wants? How does that fit into your expectations and plans?

What do you do for you? In my marriage I wasn’t allowed to do anything for me. That’s what killed my marriage. You need to do something for yourself 1 hour a day, and for 3 of those 7 hours a week, it should be exercise based so you stay healthy. It also reduces your stress levels, which helps when dealing with children.

Finally, when was the last time you guys went on a proper date that wasn’t going out for a meal? You guys need to connect more. It will help. Your in laws can babysit.

To be clear, the other way to do deal with this is to look at the budget, sit him down and ask how he can increase his earnings so you can hire a cleaner, a personal trainer/beautician/hairdresser so you are as amazing as his mother and pay for the children to board at 11.

Just be very calm and say you contacted an agency, it’s £20/he plus taxes and pension to hire someone to do this work. So, how do we afford this with your salary?

My dad was a lot like this. He damaged all our self-esteem so badly that we all failed to achieve our academic forecasts (made up for it later, but no thanks to him). We all had/have problematic relationships, my brother and I have six divorces between us.

The most considerate thing he did was die unexpectedly. You'll be delighted to hear my mother's now with a genuinely decent man, like the one she always deserved.

Women couldn't just end marriages in those days. You can.
Hint, hint!!

“It’s not my fault you’re incapable of supervising them properly” - fucking hell, OP. This man doesn't like or respect you. I would be amazed if despite that he loves you. He treats you as an underperforming employee.
You say he is the thing causing stress in your life. Easier said than done, but fuck me I'd me making moves to remove that stress from my life permanently.
Try to visualise life without him. Yes bath time would still be chaos, you'd still be cooking and cleaning for the kids, but without this twat trying to give performance reviews while, I'm guessing, doing none of the work around the house himself.

He's a twat. A lazy, bullying twat. Of course his mother was perfect, she was a full-time SAHM and he went to boarding school at 11!

How does he feel when you complain that he doesn't earn enough to allow you to be a SAHM or to employ a cleaner and nanny while you work? He seems so keen on traditional roles.

Does he do any cleaning or shopping? Or does his contribution entirely consist of taking the kids to his mother so you can crack on? Maybe while he's getting the DC breakfast he could be making packed lunches, sorting school bags, putting on some laundry and prepping dinner.

@ChasingStar I think perhaps you're more in the clutches of PND than you realise, still.
Your husband is being truly vile, and taking advantage of the self-criticism and low self-esteem that come with PND to make his own life more pleasant and convenient.
I think the more you recover the less willing you'll be to tolerate him.
(Edited to @ correct person)

He’s being a giant cock.

Unless you are a masochist, this marriage is going to come to an end if he doesn’t sort it. I would consider making that point and suggesting some marriage counselling to see if you can both find a way forward.. but there is no doubt the vast majority of it is him. He just doesn’t like life with small kids which is unfortunate because he had them. Also the comment that no one would ever live up to his mum is really flipping jodd.

OP nailed it.....tell him xx

It really bothers me that you keep saying 'I want to be able to get things wrong and it not matter'. There are no wrongs and rights to housekeeping/child rearing (outside of abusive situations obvs). Why does your h get to say what's 'right'? You are an adult woman and a parent in your own right.
His mum might have done a great job whilst being a sahm til he was 11. From 11-18 he wasn't even there much so I'm not sure he could reasonably compare her parenting to yours or his, even if that wasn't a shit thing to do anyway.

He sounds pretty awful tbh. Controlling, fixed in his ideas and routines and not especially nice. I don't think you are the problem.

I was a sahm until my kids were 5.

He still walked into chaos at the end of his working day because that time of day with kids is just busy.

It's witching hour, they are tired, you are trying your best get them fed and then do the bedtime routine while also trying to get dinner sorted.

The only way he had an elegant mum who coped was by buying in help.

I would recommend setting up a meeting with him, if you can after the kids are asleep.

Explain that that time of day is always difficult, and you find it upsetting being compared to his mum. Ask what can be done to help the situation from his perspective - if he says stuff like be a better parent ignore it. Practical suggestions only. If you have practical suggestions - cleaner, etc then give them.

Realistically right now your DH's attitude probably is the major problem, but trying to get him into problem solving mode might adjust his attitude.

Morning.

Ive Woken up much more cheerful, thank you all for the lovely support and advice. DH is in a mood still after yesterday and wanted a lie in but didn’t get one.

will take the kids out today, let him stew in his bad mood. I’ve told him it’s not fair for him to create that sort of atmosphere for the family

Also lots of people saying about talking to him about earnings and being able to be a SAHM.

fuck that. I love my job. I’m retraining in a healthcare job and will qualify soon.

I made it clear before we married there was no way I was just going to be someone’s wife/mum and neglect my own career

and I’ve decided when my wages go up (they will go up by about £10k once qualified) they will be going into a bank account for me. The extra money can go towards a cleaner/things I want to do… I’ll fund my own luxuries thank you!

You need to lose your shit at him@ChasingStar . When he gets home he needs to get stuck in and be part of the team until everything is done.

He should also be fucking grateful that you are working your career around making sure the kids are home, fed and bathed. He sounds utterly pathetic.