Do I need to up my game? (Sorry it’s a long one)

[ChasingStar]

DH and I are going through a really shitty patch. I’m falling into that hole of feeling really awful about myself and wondering if maybe it is my problem, but I don’t think it is.

This evening we had a really long argument which was started off by the fact he came home and there was washing up in the sink. We ended up cycling through several points of contention. The main issue is this:

He feels like when he gets home the house should be clean, quiet, calm. And that I should aim to facilitate this.

I work 7-2 three days of the week and have a day working 9-5.30 when my mum has our kids in the evening. I then pick up our children (DS2 & DS4) and get home for 4pm., obviously later on a late day. They are usually so tired from school/nursery that they basically whinge and scream and cry for half an hour while I try and get their dinner ready etc. Then I get them in the bath, pyjamas etc. I am usually just about getting to cleaning the kitchen and putting toys away when DH gets home. He always storms about saying it’s not a nice atmosphere. To me it feels like he’s walked in the door and made a fuss about having to do something, when I’ve not stopped all day. It was fine, and he’s created the unpleasant atmosphere not walked into one. It then makes reading/homework/bedtime really glum feeling and just a generally low mood to end the day on.

I usually do something out and about with the younger child when he has a day off nursery so we don’t mess the house up.

I have stopped cooking dinner for DH because most of the time he doesn’t eat it. If there’s leftovers from what I have with the kids I leave it in the pot but he doesn’t usually eat it and makes himself something else. He says because I haven’t cleaned the kitchen straight away it delays his dinner. (I usually haven’t cleaned the kitchen straight away because I’m trying to get two children covered in beans into the bath quickly and bath time is a complete shit show in our house”

I try and prioritise quality time with the kids even if it is messy like baking or building dens- he puts them in front of an iPad a lot of the time and is constantly telling them to sit down. If I say “X did this silly thing today” he laments how I let them behave like that and that they aren’t like that if he’s in charge

I’ll admit I’m quite relaxed about most things whereas he can be uptight - eg. He would never let the kids play in the dirt or do baking because of mess. I’m a “we can always clean it” person.

I told him sometimes I do feel really overwhelmed- the children are usually much naughtier for me and ill admit I do sometimes have a “let them get on with it” approach because I feel that especially the older child should be learning to make good choices over being reprimanded constantly. Essentially I’m trying really hard not to be a massive helicopter now our older child is at school.

his response? “It’s not my fault you’re incapable of supervising them properly” - which really hurt.

lately I’ve been trying to be more firm - if he’s being a dick I’ll tell him. His response is to tell me that I’m being negative, or I’m taking his constructive criticism the wrong way. I think he doesn’t like being told straight (which is what he prides himself on doing but obviously can’t take it)

he does all the morning wake ups, he’s more of a morning person and gets up to do the children’s breakfast. But in contrast he will go to bed early and I will stay up later getting on top of washing, doing packed lunches etc so I personally feel like that’s quite fair. He does take the kids out at the weekend, usually to his parents so I can get in top of cleaning, shopping etc. We do family stuff, clubs etc at the weekend too. I still feels like I’m never doing enough and sometimes he will question what I’ve done or how I’ve done it, eg. Feel the floor like he doesn’t believe me when I’ve mopped.

How can we fix this? Am I a hot mess and need to step up? I know I’m not perfect but the way he is at the moment I feel like I’m under pressure all the time to please him. Honestly? I just feel like a failure because I feel like I put everything into our family life.

YABU - he’s right, you need to sort yourself out and make more of an effort for him.

YANBU - family life is messy and he’s being too uptight

Do not be a SAHM, that will make things worse, you’ll never achieve his fucking ridiculous standards and you’ll
lose the financial independence you might need one day.

A couple of people have asked, but have you ever left him alone for a few days to live “your” life, not just the afternoons or an odd day here and there, but properly looking after them for 2-3 days?

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he may simply not realise the extent of what you have to do? It’s pretty unlikely but possible.

Personally I think you need to stop beating yourself up about it and be honest with him- a house with 2 kids that age is NEVER going to be a haven of peace and quiet. If his mum managed it she was probably on laudenum or had a lot of help. And it’s not your job to strive for a completely unachievable goal like that when it’s just to please him. If he wants things to be a bit calmer, HE can help by batch cooking at the weekends, spending 15 min before he goes to bed tidying up, or even when he gets in doing a 15 min tidy round before he eats. To me the dinner thing sounds odd- he might be happier if he either eats your food or batch cooks something for himself. Anyway, I think you need to be clear that your priority is your kids’ happiness and your own sanity- and whilst base level cleanliness/ order in the house will be maintained, if the house/ atmosphere is not to his standard he needs to sort it himself and stop behaving like a 1950s bank clerk!

He wipes the floor with his hand to check you've mopped it!

He's a fkn bully. Leave him OP.

He’s a nasty abusive little pig. How dare he make you feel bad, checking that you have mopped the floor??

He is acting like a Sergeant Major - how DARE he?

I would say you are under-reacting, his behaviour is appalling.

Only just read this thread op but fwiw he’s being a cock. You sound like a lovely person whose confidence has been worn down. Please don’t let this immature tit of a man get away with this. Unfair judgement is such a turn off too.

Don’t mean to be harsh at all but please don’t give him this power over you. You don’t need his opinion or permission or instruction! Who appointed him judge and jury? Why does everyone has to adapt to his standards anyway? And why is it your responsibility to put everything right for him?

Your experience and your opinions are just as valid as his, even more so when you do the post school wrangling and have been up so early for work.

Who does he think he is to come home and lecture you about the house chores and dc as though you are not both in this together? A more appropriate response to a struggling spouse is “Yes I get it, don’t worry, it’s hard” then getting stuck in and sorting stuff out.

He didn’t marry his mother op, he married you! I’d tell him if you don’t come up to his standards then he is always welcome to go home and live with mummy. And agree with everyone else about going home to your mother for a full week and leaving him to it.

What a tosser not to value what he has in his home! You are in the full parenting throes atm and it’s one of the hardest phases.

I’m seriously pissed off on your behalf reading this thread because there are so many of these holier than thou men atm! 🤬 <Off to bang pans around my kitchen>. It’s made me so angry that he’s not showing you proper respect 😡😡😡

Edited to say: don’t accept this op, stand your ground, if you don’t have the energy I’ll come over and sort him out for you 💪

He does take the kids out at the weekend, usually to his parents so I can get in top of cleaning, shopping etc

When do you get to go out and leave him to get on top of cleaning and shopping?

Apart from the washing up issue... is he supportive? Does he listen to you? Does he help you? Does he do sweet things for you? Enjoy quality time with you?

You 100% need to up your game- and stop letting your husband treat you like a bloody employee not his wife! Wouldn’t it be lovely to walk into a calm, perfectly cleaned home but mid dinner/bath/ bedtime with 2 children who are tired that’s not reasonable and he should come home and help out as those children are equally his responsibility. Stop putting on yourself for his controlling ways- honest checking the floor would mean I never mopped it again!

So he takes the kids to his parents so they can look after them. Has a wife who contributes financially and also does all the cleaning and childcare.

Quite the little life he's created for himself.

To answer your question, yes he's a massive cock. You'd be mad to stay with him.

You sound lovely. Sensible, kind, and like you've got your priorities sorted as a parent and a person.

I hope either DH steps up to be the supportive partner you need, or you have a great life without him.

For that comment alone I’d be sending him back home to Mary Poppins, where he can continue revel in her perfection and I’d be speaking to a solicitor. I have barely ever said LTB on here but if he’s as open and clueless as this he’s not going to change.

So he takes them to his parents where he chills so you can clean the house? What a tosser

You need to go absolutely nuclear at him. I mean do not for one second accept this bullying behaviour. It does not get better I promise you.

Echoing lots of others but honestly he’s an absolute disgrace. How dare he criticise you for “only” managing to get your kids home, fed, played with, happy and ready for bed after working all day?! We want a calm and clean house too but with similar aged kids to yours my husband and I both accept that it’s not achievable during the hours they are awake! And that is not the fault of either parent but just the reality of life with kids that young. He needs to shut up and share the load. This is NOT YOU. Don’t let him imply that it is.

^ This is a very good point!

Is he a husband and father or a fucking drill Sargent?
Your children are very young, you’re having fun with them (as you should be)and I’m sorry OP but your DH sounds like a boring, miserable bully.

I divorced a man like this. Did not realise how much I pandered to the dimwit until my DC are in our own house and happy and free!

I'd go full time OP. Get in the same time as him and split things 50/50.

Has he ever come home from work and had sole responsibility for the house and children?

I’d try relationship counselling if he’s willing. Try more than one therapist, find a great fit.

I’d also defend loudly what your children need in terms of being able to unwind after school/nursery, relax in their own home, being enjoyed/delighted in by their parents - they need this. So defend their rights to it. Someone needs to raise their game in this family, may need therapeutic help to do so. It isn't you.

I am very ordinary, more than average faults, and my husband sees the sun shining out of my oversized arse (& I his). It is a conscious choice, to see the best in the other, to be on his/her side. He can choose to do this.

It is such an overwhelming experience, raising young children. I used to stand in the chaos and picture my clear surfaces in late middle age. Nearly there now, the sides are often gleaming, sometimes wiped by one of my kids. He has 6 or 7 Christmases/summer holidays/Easter egg hunts before his eldest starts to judge him for his oppressive behaviour.

Don't spend your salary increase on a cleaner. It's not your responsibility- it's a household responsibility. It comes out of joint income.

I'd actually suggest you keep it for your leaving fund.

Was he like this before you got married if he was why get married to him.
He would find him self packing with divorce papers in the post.
You wont know how controlling he really is until you live on your own and see it from the outside.
Any man or woman that saves or wants to send their kids to boarding school makes me think why did you want kids just to send them away.

It sounds like if you added up the hours you work/look after children/clean and the hours he does the same (not inc him taking them to his parents so they can look after them 🙄), you actually do a lot more than he does.

Can you work it out, show him the results and ask him for his ideas on how to make it fair? I imagine he'll try to argue that it is fair, but keep pointing back to the numbers.

He sounds very uptight! You sound laid back.. you're not very compatible and having children (and their mess) has highlighted it more. It shouldn't be up to you to change to suit his needs, theor needs to be some sort of meeting in the middle.

So he gets up with the children on a morning but he needs to really because you start work at 7am.

Does he get up with them on the days you don’t start work at 7?

I think you need to have more confidence in your parenting approach. He is slowly eroding that though and you need to explain to him that at 2 & 4 things are not going to be as easy as they will at 6 & 8.

If he strongly likes dishes to be done can he not do them but with grace and not stamp around like a toddler?

His moods are designed to control you and they are starting to but your own boundaries are kicking in and you’re gut is telling you this is wrong

Ask him to stop looking in your direction for things he wants doing.

Ask him to complete the tasks himself if they are super important to him, remind him that you do not have to live your domestic life the way he believes you should. Tell him you are quite happy for him to do the things he do desperately wants doing but say ‘don’t look in my direction’

Tell him his expectations upon you are based on his own experiences growing up. But his situation is different because you work full time and therefore you have less capacity than you would if you were a sahm.

touching the floor to check it has been mopped is unhinged!!! He sounds utterly vile and control freak, seems his ‘perfect mother’ abandoning him 50 percent through his childhood to go to school left him with some serious issues and put her on an unrealistic pedestal as a ‘glamorous’ woman.. other than the fact she’s actually a B*tch who abandoned her kid and forsakes literal years of his life so she could be a ‘stay at home’ mum in an empty house. The mind boggles, you don’t get that time back!!

you sound absolutely lovely, hard working, rounded and caring. The kids whining and screaming so much after school probably means they agevole picked up on daddy bully vibes and the fact he’s about to come home grumpy and demanding!

So you have to come home from work to a mess but he doesn’t? Fuck that. He’s not being a team player and needs to open his eyes.