Do I need to up my game? (Sorry it’s a long one)

[ChasingStar]

DH and I are going through a really shitty patch. I’m falling into that hole of feeling really awful about myself and wondering if maybe it is my problem, but I don’t think it is.

This evening we had a really long argument which was started off by the fact he came home and there was washing up in the sink. We ended up cycling through several points of contention. The main issue is this:

He feels like when he gets home the house should be clean, quiet, calm. And that I should aim to facilitate this.

I work 7-2 three days of the week and have a day working 9-5.30 when my mum has our kids in the evening. I then pick up our children (DS2 & DS4) and get home for 4pm., obviously later on a late day. They are usually so tired from school/nursery that they basically whinge and scream and cry for half an hour while I try and get their dinner ready etc. Then I get them in the bath, pyjamas etc. I am usually just about getting to cleaning the kitchen and putting toys away when DH gets home. He always storms about saying it’s not a nice atmosphere. To me it feels like he’s walked in the door and made a fuss about having to do something, when I’ve not stopped all day. It was fine, and he’s created the unpleasant atmosphere not walked into one. It then makes reading/homework/bedtime really glum feeling and just a generally low mood to end the day on.

I usually do something out and about with the younger child when he has a day off nursery so we don’t mess the house up.

I have stopped cooking dinner for DH because most of the time he doesn’t eat it. If there’s leftovers from what I have with the kids I leave it in the pot but he doesn’t usually eat it and makes himself something else. He says because I haven’t cleaned the kitchen straight away it delays his dinner. (I usually haven’t cleaned the kitchen straight away because I’m trying to get two children covered in beans into the bath quickly and bath time is a complete shit show in our house”

I try and prioritise quality time with the kids even if it is messy like baking or building dens- he puts them in front of an iPad a lot of the time and is constantly telling them to sit down. If I say “X did this silly thing today” he laments how I let them behave like that and that they aren’t like that if he’s in charge

I’ll admit I’m quite relaxed about most things whereas he can be uptight - eg. He would never let the kids play in the dirt or do baking because of mess. I’m a “we can always clean it” person.

I told him sometimes I do feel really overwhelmed- the children are usually much naughtier for me and ill admit I do sometimes have a “let them get on with it” approach because I feel that especially the older child should be learning to make good choices over being reprimanded constantly. Essentially I’m trying really hard not to be a massive helicopter now our older child is at school.

his response? “It’s not my fault you’re incapable of supervising them properly” - which really hurt.

lately I’ve been trying to be more firm - if he’s being a dick I’ll tell him. His response is to tell me that I’m being negative, or I’m taking his constructive criticism the wrong way. I think he doesn’t like being told straight (which is what he prides himself on doing but obviously can’t take it)

he does all the morning wake ups, he’s more of a morning person and gets up to do the children’s breakfast. But in contrast he will go to bed early and I will stay up later getting on top of washing, doing packed lunches etc so I personally feel like that’s quite fair. He does take the kids out at the weekend, usually to his parents so I can get in top of cleaning, shopping etc. We do family stuff, clubs etc at the weekend too. I still feels like I’m never doing enough and sometimes he will question what I’ve done or how I’ve done it, eg. Feel the floor like he doesn’t believe me when I’ve mopped.

How can we fix this? Am I a hot mess and need to step up? I know I’m not perfect but the way he is at the moment I feel like I’m under pressure all the time to please him. Honestly? I just feel like a failure because I feel like I put everything into our family life.

YABU - he’s right, you need to sort yourself out and make more of an effort for him.

YANBU - family life is messy and he’s being too uptight

I agree with this. Maybe he should move back in with mummy dearest.

I am just constantly questioning if he is being a giant cock or whether my own self esteem has been so shit I can’t take someone mentioning the washing up needs doing without it feeling like an attack on my character

Not possible with a 2 and 4 year old I'm afraid. I'd go away and let him do it all for a day or two and see how he copes!

He sounds horrible OP, like he thinks you and the children are beneath him and he is king shit.
Why does he get to swan in and expect perfection? Like someone else said, he is treating you like an employee. Do you want your kids to grow up with this kind of low level criticism all the time? It must be exhausting. He is not a partner is he?

This and this. What an arsehole.

What do you want?

Start there.

Maybe it’s unrealistic but I just want to be married to someone who thinks the sun shines out of my arse even when it clearly doesn’t. I want to get little things wrong and he laughs, not lectures.

Personally I don't think it's possible because you work!!

I do most achieve this because I'm a SAHM - even then it's not perfect because I have 4DC and they could be trashing the living room whilst I'm making dinner!

Ps your self esteem is probably shit due to your husband constantly criticising AND he's a massive cock.

Hahaha ... he wants you to be stay at home mum but work too!

Stop doing half of what you do and tell him he needs to... for example, he can make packed lunches on top of getting up with the kids. Every minute you're not with the kids you're doing something for them or tidying, cleaning, cooking, washing, working, appointments etc etc. Is he doing the same? I suspect not.

Also his childhood was idyllic because his mum had nothing to do but stay at home while her kid was away. Sounds lovely for her but awful for him

OP. You can aim higher than that. I take it you can't laugh at him when he gets things wrong?

Are you quite a bit younger than him?

I'm effectively a SAHM and my husband would not dream of bitching at me that the washing up wasn't done. If it bothers him that bad he can load the dishwasher himself. However he doesn't cook anything so generally it's not an issue. The most he might say is does the dishwasher need running.....but then he's not an entitled tw*t.

I'd shove the mop up his arse

OP, he's a cunt. Just an unmitigated cunt.

He wants to walk in from work to a show home and a calm atmosphere? Yes, I imagine most people do. Very few parents get to. The few hours a week more he works than you are NOT enough to buy the extra labour he wants from you. Not even close.

Tell him constructive criticism is off the table for now, just completely. He wants something to be different, he goes and does it.

Honestly LTB. Someone as entitled as this will not change. Someone who is so able to make you doubt yourself is already too far into your head.

The only practical step I'd suggest is that it can be overwhelming coming into the house when you're not the parent who's been there being boiled in chaos like a frog. So maybe suggest he goes into your bedroom for 20 mins when he gets home, no-one disturbs him, and at the end of that time he emerges ready to help.
And not be a cunt.

He's being horrible.

Can you swing anything such that he gets the kids from school, even just one day? Have some kind of appointment or something and your mum not be available so he has to take a half day annual leave, and see what it's like when you get home?

He probably underestimates the total restraint collapse the kids have after school/nursery.

Oh and just imo there is no such thing as "constructive criticism" in a marriage, and any man saying that to his wife is 🚩central.

Sounds like you should ge the one taking your DC over to MiL at the weekend while he does the cleaning.
Tell him he needs to prepare dinner in advance for the dc, and you’ll be happy to clean up after they’ve eaten, but when he’s home and looking after them.
And yes, go out and leave him with the dc and a request that he entertains them, gets them execercised, fed and cleaned and cleans up before yo come back. Not just once but regularly .

Constructive criticism is infrequent, should be a two way thing, and actually help you. Like 'oh I noticed that x happened when you did y, did you know about this tip that someone gave me that totally sorted this issue for me, let me show you'. It's genuinely seeing something that someone struggles with that can be changed for the good of everyone.

Constantly telling you that you're not good enough, that you don't supervise the kids properly, that the house isn't quiet or calm enough etc isn't constructive criticism. If it's not achieving an aim that you also want to achieve its not helpful.

Basically he sounds like a petty nit picking arsehole.

He has already told you that you'll never measure up to his perfect mother...who had kids at boarding school and didn't work. Surely anyone can see why

Tell him that you are fed up with his bad attitude lately. That you're a working mum and you don't appreciate him coming in with a face like a slapped arse and bad tempered because you haven't got round to washing the kids plates yet. He's not your slave driver, and maybe instead of whining and nagging at you, he could do the dishes himself or get a dishwasher.

I would ask him if he wants to do bath time as you could then clean the kitchen and make tea and you could sit down together at the same time!

I had kids this age, worked part time with PND and it’s tough. It’s really sad that he doesn’t want to eat with you and the children, and takes them to his parents on his own leaving you to do the house work.
Ask him what he wants, does he still want to be married to you? Because you are doing your best but there needs to be changes.
One meal for everyone at night. Shared housework which the kids can help with. including getting stuff ready for the next day and a big tidy up time before bed. Proper time together as a family. Occasionally leaving the kids with his folks while you go out together even if it only to shop or go for a walk.

Holy crap OP, who made your DH the boss of you?

Because he is treating you like staff, not like a partner.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It sounds like you are doing the VAST majority of housework, childcare and no doubt all the mental load. When you do...what,75% of the hours he does?

I'd recommend you have some couple's therapy, honestly.

You could sit down, explain you feel constantly under pressure to please him and that his expectations of you are unreasonable. I'd recommend you go through all the tasks required each day and week, and work out a more fair split (he gets to relax at his mum's while you clean the house and do the shopping?!).

BUT

He is not treating you with basic respect and courtesy. He thinks he's perfect!And he's nearly convinced you too! I think it would be helpful to get a third party in the discussion to help him see that perhaps things need to change.

You said you're stuck in a rut of the same row. Something needs to change.

PS It is reasonable and attainable relationship goals for your DP to think the sun shines out your arse

Not entirely sure whether you need this, but just in case

https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

If he wants a clean calm house to walk into then he needs to facilitate this by
Either marrying someone who wanted to be a full time housewife or by earning enough to employ a housekeeper/ daily cleaner.
Anything else is unrealistic and ridiculous with your situation.
It pisses me off when men can't appreciate how tough it is for working mums who are doing the main bulk of childcare, the cleaning and bringing in a wage.
He should step up. Maybe if he worked as hard as you, you could both appreciate a clean calm house every evening.

STOP thinking you are the problem and STOP being a doormat. He wants a clean house when he comes home from work? Then tell him to quit riding your ass and start cleaning. Dirty stuff in the kitchen so it delays his meal? Tell him you'll leave that mess to rot for the next century unless he does it himself. I'm not sure if you can tell, but I'm angry enough for you! 😁 In all seriousness, you have to let him know that this is not okay, he is asking you to do 100% of the work and it simply will not continue. Either he can help you and together you figure out how to delegate tasks or you are leaving on a 2 week holiday so he can see how much you do and he can remember he is a grown ass man who will have to run the entire household himself while you tan on the beach.

If the washing up needs doing then why can’t he do it? It’s not all your responsibility.