Frustrated with DH and food

[Henriettay]

DH has a few health issues including coeliac disease. He refuses to cook or meal plan because he hates it. I make his food most of the time. Occasionally if I don’t cook he’ll have some fresh soup or a snack.

He’s becoming really difficult around food, e.g if I ask what he fancies, he says he doesn’t know, therefore I cook something and he’ll act disappointed as he’s not sure he really wants it. I tell him to stop being so annoying and he apologises but then acts the same the following day.

I’m just so frustrated - I know the simplest answer is to just not cook for him, I tried this and he ate toast for a week. He needs to eat a balanced diet not just because it’s a healthy thing to do, but because of other issues his dietician has advised on certain types of food to include in his diet. I’m concerned he will get more ill from not following this advice.

He is really good in all other ways, but just won’t do food preparation or cooking. I wondered if anyone had experienced something similar and offer advice?

Christ, he isn’t a toddler. He looks “disappointed” when you lovingly make him a home-cooked meal!? 🙄
Toast for a week might not be the most nutritious, but I’d still be letting him have it for another week(s) until he got the message. You aren’t his private chef to cook when he pleases or he knows what the fuck he wants.

I would have a very frank "come to Jesus" conversation with him - you're an adult, you've had good medical advice about how you should be eating, and I am prepared to support you in that. I am not, however, prepared to continue in this dynamic where I try to ply you with healthy meals while you shrug and pout like a spoiled preschooler and refuse to engage with your own health. So either buck up and start working with me, or you can live on soup and toast for the rest of your life.

So what if he only ate toast for a week? That’s his choice. He’s a grown man. Sometimes I don’t fancy what my partner makes us for dinner but I act grateful and eat up because that’s the polite and mature thing to do.

Tell him you now hate cooking and meal planning for him so you're not doing it anymore and he can sort himself out.

Do you mean ds?

Just cook what ever you want to eat and ignore any drama

I can get him not cooking and you doing it all assuming he makes up for it doing sone joint chore you hate and he doesn't mind.

But 'disappointed' in what you cook? Fuck off.

Sorry OP, but it's not until you find yourself in your DH's shoes that you can understand where he's coming from. I have taken numerous drugs for years, to help with a severe medical condition. About 2 years ago, I suddenly found that I couldn't bear to eat an awful lot of things that I used to, and so end up eating generally only fresh fruit and veg, which is obviously good for me, although a bit boring from time to time. However it drives my DH up the wall, as he's always trying to think of something different for me to have, cooks something thinking it will tempt me, and then it doesn't and he gets pissed off, because I just don't want it, due to it not tasting right anymore. I think in your situation you would be better off leaving him to his own devices for a while. He may get fed up of living off of toast eventually, and try other things, but when he really doesn't know what he fancies, you're really wasting a lot of time and effort, and while yes he does need to eat a varied diet, if he doesn't want it, he doesn't want it. How would you feel being constantly pushed to eat things you don't fancy? Perhaps try seeking advice from his dietician, tell them that he won't eat the foods they've recommended, and see what advice they have to offer.

There is no incentive to care for his health when you are running around for him. As an adult his health is his responsibility. If he develops long term impacts due to poor management then that is also his problem.

He may be lovely but he's milking you like a cow.

I'll be totally honest with you as I have the same condition.

Food does becomes really unappealing in general. I often don't really fancy anything. Unfortunately a lot of my favourite foods contained wheat and gluten.

Even the thought of eating sometimes just depresses me.

However, I would never complain about food that was made for me by someone else, that's rude. I would just eat it.

I have. Is this really recent or maybe just bubbled up recently more when his health got worse? It's kind of like anxiety round food, selective eating, indecisive eating. If women do it they are diagnosed anorexic. No joke.
My fella is like this. He expects to to TELL him what he wants to eat. I know he will not eat anything I like or cook except chicken, dry AF. I think in mine might be a bit nuerodiverse but also anxiety based.
He will starve practically if I don't make him eat sometimes. It's really hard and I feel for you as it seems really self destructive. Are there a couple of fail safe meals he will literally always eat, even if they are basic? Just get him to buy/you buy tons of that, it can be frozen but at least there's something if he's like this. Tell him to take some vitamins too.

Let him eat toast forever if he can’t be bothered

Wtaf

That's annoying..but what are you cooking..meat and 2 veg is gluten free, rice and curry, jacket potatoes..he needs to say what he wants.

I stopped cooking for DH years ago for similar reasons.

I was doing all the planning, buying, cooking and cleaning up and he was complaining. So I stopped trying to guess what he wanted to eat and told him to sort himself out. Our preferences are different anyway so it meant I actually got to eat what I wanted.

He's an adult, he knows what he needs to do and can make his choices.

I cook a variety of meals such as
smoked fish, mustard mash, and veg
jacket potatoes with beans and egg salad
homemade beef / chicken burgers with wheat free bap, wedges & salad
teriyaki salmon, rice noodles, peppers & bean sprouts
quorn shepherds pie, veg, homemade gf Yorkshire’s & gravy
ham and mushroom omelette

I also get a lot of GF coated chicken, pies and fish fingers which are really easy to bung in the actifry which he can put some frozen chips in as well and serve with mushy peas for example

I also make him lunch (sandwich or bap each day with ham salad, corned beef cream cheese and chutney or egg mayonnaise) before I leave for work and ensure there’s always nuts and fresh fruit.

His food anxiety has increased more recently since he has accidentally been glutened whilst eating out and he has been ill for several days after. He sometimes just can’t face anything as he’s bloated and suffers with nausea. He can’t help it I know but he just can’t seem to make any decisions or have any interest in food. Then when I leave him to his own devices he says he should eat something but can’t decide what and expects me to make suggestions.

OP, you are babying the man child. You’re not even a stay at home wife!

You need to go cold turkey, stop cooking for him and he will eventually get tired of the toast and learn to cook.

Why do you feel so obliged to feed him? What does he do for you?

I’m just so frustrated - I know the simplest answer is to just not cook for him, I tried this and he ate toast for a week.

Oh-fucking-well. He can deal with the consequences then. Come on now, op, your infantalising him and he's taking full advantage and the absolute piss. He's not a child, he should be responsible for his own diet and nutritional needs.

Drop the rope and leave him to it.

Maybe get a bit less creative. He may do better- experience less anxiety- if there is more consistency, predictability.

Maybe omelette on Mondays, curry on Tuesday, jacket spud Wednesday etc.

It may help him recover and build his confidence so he can get a bit more adventurous in future.

Agree with dropping the rope. It's his problem to fix. Not yours.

Personally, if he’s feeling nauseous often I would pare it all back a bit. One of the symptoms of my own illness is that just as I sit down to eat, I often get a wave of nausea that I discreetly overcome by taking a breath and waiting a beat.

Food choices are so subjective I know but if I was a bit queasy I would struggle with fish and mustard mash, egg salad, chutney etc. Maybe try a simpler approach (if of course it works for you too). These days I’m happier with cereal with added raspberries etc for breakfast, a cheese and tomato sandwich for lunch, air fried chicken breast in some kind of seasoning and salad. Or fish fingers and peas, if I’m tired! Luckily my DH is just so glad he doesn’t have to cook he usually goes along with what I suggest, so it’s easier for me to be fair.

Also, re toast. It’s not the end of the world and he won’t do that for long. I was home alone and tired on Thursday night so I had a bagel with peanut butter. It’s not ideal, but it did for me.

Look after yourself too, have what you want and what suits your time/energy.

I voted YABU because you said you already know the answer is to stop cooking for him.

Just stop it! He might eat toast for a week but he won’t do it for a month. It’s not your responsibility, he’s not your child, he’s allegedly an adult.

Treat thus like ARFID or other food avoidance isssues. Its a psychological problem.

I've had toast all week because I'm lazy. My oh cooks for himself , but I can't be bothered just too tired. Tonight I had 2 mint aeros and a freddo. See it could be worse. He's an adult let him eat what he wants.

Perhaps try seeking advice from his dietician, tell them that he won't eat the foods they've recommended, and see what advice they have to offer.

You can't just go and talk to someone else's dietician. It doesn't work like that.