Frustrated with DH and food

[Henriettay]

DH has a few health issues including coeliac disease. He refuses to cook or meal plan because he hates it. I make his food most of the time. Occasionally if I don’t cook he’ll have some fresh soup or a snack.

He’s becoming really difficult around food, e.g if I ask what he fancies, he says he doesn’t know, therefore I cook something and he’ll act disappointed as he’s not sure he really wants it. I tell him to stop being so annoying and he apologises but then acts the same the following day.

I’m just so frustrated - I know the simplest answer is to just not cook for him, I tried this and he ate toast for a week. He needs to eat a balanced diet not just because it’s a healthy thing to do, but because of other issues his dietician has advised on certain types of food to include in his diet. I’m concerned he will get more ill from not following this advice.

He is really good in all other ways, but just won’t do food preparation or cooking. I wondered if anyone had experienced something similar and offer advice?

This.

And it’s more than I would do

I appreciate he has health conditions but he really should be at least trying to meet you half way. You're supporting him and doing your best but it must be so demoralising to make the effort to cook a tasty, nutritious meal that he's refused to have any input in, only to see he's disappointed with what you serve up. You have way more patience than me if you keep doing that!
Maybe he just fancies soup or toast?
I think you're right to tell him what you're cooking that night and if he doesn't want it then he can sort himself out.
I know you're supporting him but you also seem to be treading on doormat territory. You sound lovely though.

It's easy for PP to say "let him fend for himself" but maybe OP would like to be able to eat together regularly as a couple (or family)?

It sounds like you’ve moved from supporting him to parenting him when it comes to food.

Supporting him implies you’re following HIS lead in managing his diet but parenting him implies you’re taking the lead (and being rewarded with petulance).

You write well adn I do think we have to look after our spouses as best we can. But if his reason for not cooking is that he does not enjoy it, then he owes gratitude to anyone who does that. Whether than means appreciating you or being grateful to the waiter for bringing his food really does not matter.

It’s rubbish isn’t it? I feel so sorry for him and anyone who suffers with these issues.

His iron levels are not good and he takes iron tablets. Last set of bloods indicated he is just within normal range. However as well as iron deficiency his dietician told him he’s suffering from malnutrition as his body is not absorbing nutrients.

I will look into private iron infusion- I didn’t know they existed. I do understand he doesn’t always feel like eating but he needs to eat something so I’ll suggest poached eggs on toast or maybe some nairns crackers with his favourite cheese.

He has his own butter and toaster and we are careful about cross contamination.

good point about his medication- he takes quite a few things for blood pressure- also takes omeprozole I think for heartburn. He was taking setraline but has come off it as it was making him feel worse.

I think his struggles are mainly psychological- the brain fog, he is not coping well with. He’s making lots of mistakes in work because he can’t focus or concentrate. Luckily he works for himself but obviously this is causing more stress spending time rectifying mistakes.

The brain fog may clear up in time with a strictly gluten free diet. But I would echo the comments about so-called gluten free barley extracts or gluten free oats. Cut out the nairns crackers to start with, I think they are oat based, as are most of the biscuits you buy nowadays :( Personally I think the idea that pure oats (not contaminated with other grains) are ok for "most" coeliacs is an utter con, I know so many people who get symptoms with them, my mother and sister amongst them. I've never dared try them since they became a thing, as my major symptoms are not intestinal, but rather concentration difficulties and emotional dysregulation (yes, learnt this from a few episodes of unsuspected food contamination in my late teens, where I wondered what was going on and then we discovered there'd been something I'd eaten). With larger amounts or more prolonged gluten exposure I become extremely depressed.

Please don't take this the wrong way, OP, but I think you may be trying too hard with food. Rather than trying to make things look like normal food used to look like, your DH will probably benefit from keeping food simple at least until he's a lot better physically and mentally. Soup sounds excellent - but check no barley, no malt (malt vinegar might be ok in the long-term, steer well clear for the time being), thicken with tinned tomatoes or lentils. You can get gluten-free soy sauce (either labelled as such, or tamari), standard soy sauce is out, I think teriyaki sauces need to be checked carefully too. Try him with plain steamed/baked fish and steamed vegetables. Would he prefer salad or a flask of soup for lunch if it's practical?

I hope you can get him to engage, I can understand the worry and frustration. (my DH can't be bothered with food until he is so hungry that he needs it now; and used to do a long commute where one evening he'd be ravenous, the next he'd have bought something at the station and refuse to eat the plate left out for him, so I gave up including him for years when the kids were young)

Good luck.

Why are you looking into private iron infusion when he's an adult who should be responsible? You're acting like his mum (again)

Where I work (GP) we can refer specifically to an iron deficiency service if iron is less than 50 and people not incrementing or struggling with oral iron. Also check he has had his full panel of annual coeliac bloods- often not done as patient needs to book in for these (not on an automatic recall)… things like vitamin d/ b12/ folate/ coeliac antibodies (to see if is responding to gluten free), thyroid (as you likely know, if you have coeliacs much higher risk of other autoimmune conditions).

He may be up to date with all of this but just mentioning it in case not.

Definitely worth him speaking to GP if iron remains borderline (under 50) on the tablets.

God speed to you both xx

@Henriettay Oh heck, get rid of those crackers like @LuckyOrMaybe has said. Oats are not gluten free. Technically they are in the strictest sense but instead of gluten they contain a protein that is almost identical to gluten and some coeliacs react exactly the same to them. Oats will test as GF because the test won’t detect the slightly different protein. In Australia we’re told to avoid barley, rye, oats and wheat (BROW) unless a gluten challenge using wheat-free oats has been completed under the supervision of a gastroenterologist. Here’s a link: https://coeliac.org.au/article/oats-and-the-gluten-free-diet/

I think that private iron infusions are available in the UK. I’m sure I’ve seen it mentioned on here. If I waited for an iron infusion via the public health system here in Australia I’d still be waiting. 30-60 mins, a cannula, and usually 1000mg of iron, and that’s the iron infusion done. Easy and no constipation. Within a week I start feeling less dead.

With his reflux/heartburn I’m not surprised he doesn’t want spicy foods. I also have reflux and can’t have spicy food, even if I liked it (I don’t).

He sounds like he’d benefit from a good multivitamin. Finding a truly GF can be tricky. I don’t know what brands you have there.

How is his vitamin D level? Despite living in sunny Queensland in Australia I have low vitamin D if I don’t take a daily supplement. I don’t tend to go out in the sun much because I’m tired.

No, she’s acting like a carer of someone with a chronic illnesses, and like someone who genuinely cares about her spouse and can see that he needs help to regain his health. Do you know how hard it can be to organise appointments etc when you’re depressed? It’s bloody hard to almost impossible. His brain fog and fatigue will make it even harder. I regularly organise appointments for my DH, who is chronically unwell and has ASD and (treated) ADHD. He looks after me by making me food that is safe and tastes great, and driving me around (don’t drive). That’s what spouses and partners do: look after each other and help each other when they need help.

Why about he? Even if he doesn't know how, information on how to do is available on so many digital platforms these days, plus the 'old fashioned' books. 🌹

Thank you, I’m aware of the oats thing and he was bad after eating gluten free porridge so we avoid all oats even gluten free oats, I think the nairns crackers we got say no oats at all, but I might be wrong so will double check.

we don’t eat spicy foods very often, however we enjoy a mild chilli made with quorn mince. Maybe I should look at mince alternatives- although we are not vegetarian we don’t eat a great deal of meat and find mince (beef or turkey) unpleasant.

he does take multi vitamins, I can’t remember the brand but the doctor said it was ok. We both have low vitamin D levels but the multi vitamin we take have a high level of Vit D so think we are covered.

we are members of coeliac uk on FB

@BananaBender It's absolutely rubbish the way oats have come into gluten-free food over the last 10-15 years. My mother has recently moved back from Australia and is struggling because she needs easy to eat snacks when she is tired, and the kind of things she'd adapted to getting over the last few years since my father died, she can't find here. Being dairy free as well doesn't help. She used to bake loads but when it's just herself she'd really rather not - but she's beginning to think she'll have to start up again. At the moment I think she's given up and is getting biscuits and trying to put up with the symptoms; but is now symptomatically anaemic :(

I have a non-cooking DH. Fine with me as I generally enjoy cooking and he does all the washing up.

However as he is non-cooking, he eats what I choose. When I've asked for input he was hopeless, so that's it, I make family meals and he can be polite about it or starve.

OP in your situation I tell him that he has had an opportunity to say what he likes and to cook for himself, and he has blown it. So now he can eat what he is given, say thank-you, and wash up afterwards.

The OP sounds like an angel. And, yes, @AnnaMagnani, I think you put it very well.

Maybe try a food subscription like green chef to make meals a bit more exciting? Or gluten free influencers on social media to try and bring back some fun.

I hope he can get more excited about food especially as you obviously put alot of thought into and it's lovely you care so much, judging by a lot of responses some people wouldn't look after their spouse as much.

If someone cooked lovely meals for me I’d be so grateful I’d never complain. Are you his mother? He’s an adult. He can work out what to eat by himself from now on.

Cooking for a spouse is absolutely fine, DH cooks for me FWIW. However I would never dare to criticise the menu especially if I didn’t help when he was asking for ideas!
I think this is why people answered the way they did as your DH sounds quite ungrateful and rude.

It’s hard if your DH is struggling with feeling ill. You say he eats soup. Could you maybe keep emergency soup in that he can have if he doesn’t fancy what you’re cooking? Also, would planning the week’s meals help him? That way he knows it will be cottage pie or whatever tomorrow and so can think whether he wants it and mentally prepare himself. My DD had bad nausea and for her having a ‘random’ plate of food put in front of her was worse than knowing in advance what it would be.

I also think you should have two or three bland meals a week as they can help nausea. These will vary depending on his tastes, but something like mash, plain chicken and some green veg. Also, keep his portions small. Better he want more than be put off.

I had really bad morning sickness through most of my pregnancy and could barely think about food let alone prepare it so I do see where your DH is coming from. DH did all the food shopping and cooking. However, where we differ is that I did all I could to help. I gave DH ideas of foods that might be OK, foods that definitely wouldn't be OK, told him to think of it as cooking himself dinner and a tub of leftovers and maybe I'd try his 'leftovers' so as not to have food go to waste, was really grateful for the effort he made, tried to find nutritious food that I'd be able to keep down...

@LuckyOrMaybe That sucks. Bloody oats. There’s a lot of online health food/GF food shops in Australia that would probably send things overseas. It might be having a look online.

*might be worth having a look online.

I think it must be the other things more? I know plenty of coeliacs, we cook gluten free food all the time for some as they are good friends. This psychological adjustment you mention has not been a huge thing, they just get on with life.

I feel you. My dh has a different set of health problems and slightly different set of food related issues but the result is the same.

I have found that identifying a couple of his favourite recipes and cooking them at least once a week helps.
I have finally identified which fruit he will eat so make sure we always are stocked up.

Lastly I have had to let go and accept he will develop worse health problems and there's nothing I can do about it, so just enjoy the years we have together.