Frustrated with DH and food

[Henriettay]

DH has a few health issues including coeliac disease. He refuses to cook or meal plan because he hates it. I make his food most of the time. Occasionally if I don’t cook he’ll have some fresh soup or a snack.

He’s becoming really difficult around food, e.g if I ask what he fancies, he says he doesn’t know, therefore I cook something and he’ll act disappointed as he’s not sure he really wants it. I tell him to stop being so annoying and he apologises but then acts the same the following day.

I’m just so frustrated - I know the simplest answer is to just not cook for him, I tried this and he ate toast for a week. He needs to eat a balanced diet not just because it’s a healthy thing to do, but because of other issues his dietician has advised on certain types of food to include in his diet. I’m concerned he will get more ill from not following this advice.

He is really good in all other ways, but just won’t do food preparation or cooking. I wondered if anyone had experienced something similar and offer advice?

Very sad that you're pandering to him like this, how can you find him attractive after all this ?

Agree with some pps that your meals sound a bit grim if he's nauseous. I'd say leave him to it but if you feel obliged then cook much plainer food.mash not mustard mash, salmon with no teriyaki. You can add flavours at the table.

You know what you need to do. He’s never going to take responsibility when someone else is there to do thar for him.

You H is being a lazy idiot. He’s acting like his condition isn’t his responsibility. You can only do so much and have gone way past supporting to enabling him not to take responsibility. There’s a big difference between can’t and won't.

Can’t you just make a simple salad every day with a bit of chicken/ ham/neef

You're not being unreasonable, you're also not his mother.

Get him to sign to Gousto @Henriettay for both of you. They fo gluten free menu boxes. He can go through the menu to pick what he wants delivered and he can prepare them too, or do it together.

Once you've had a few deliveries, you will have the menu cards and can switch to ordering the ingredients in your weekly shop.

Too many of these responses are more like what you’d expect for advice for a parents of a fussy child - be less creative, give him
consistency, etc. But this is the OP’s husband.

I’d just say to him that I’ll just make food for myself (and the kids?). He can sort himself out. He won’t give any information on what he wants to eat, and isn’t happy just with what he gets. So he can just feed himself.

If that means he eats GF toast (a dreadful option!), so be it. His other conditions and health are his to manage too

My DS has coeliac disease. He doesn’t sulk and make a fuss about food. Even when he’s missing out on cake at a friend’s birthday. He offers opinions about what GF options he likes/dislikes and contributes thoughts/ideas to meal planning. He helps with food preparation and cooking. He’s 14. Your DH is a grown man - he can do more than refuse to cook, and then sulk about what you’ve cooked.

I'd struggle with this too, OP. I agree with PP that he needs to take control for himself but I also find it hard to see how you live like that- for us, cooking and eating meals together is a big part of family life and our lives would be poorer if we were all cooking and eating separately. Eating together of course means sometimes compromising on what and when you eat.

No advice really just wanted to sympathise and to say that I get that it's not as simple as just telling him to fend for himself. or at least doing that comes with downsides too.

He doesn’t meal plan or cook because he doesn’t like it

he doesn’t tell you what he wants then acts disappointed when presented with food.

are you married to a three year old?

this behaviour would turn me off my partner 100%

what sort of grown adults can’t make themselves a meal that isn’t toast. Stop pandering to this man baby for Christ sake.

It IS as simple as telling him to take responsibility for his own health and diet. He is an adult. Everyone pandering to him is a bad outcome.

I understand where he is coming from, as I have various diet restrictions, and can't work out what I can eat and want to eat.

So sympathy to him! But he does need to take responsibility - and he wont discover new ideas and recipes unless he actually makes an effort to explore a few things, such as some online searches, and some experiments in the kitchen himself -

and he does need to put some energy in

Dear God, tell him to sort out his own food - he is an adult. If he chooses to eat toast he eats toast, you are not his mother.

Well I guess there's two choices:

1. be firm and let him sort himself out - he's not a child.

2. tell him that whilst it's deeply unattractive that he acts disappointed when you've gone to so much effort with his food, his health is of more concern to you than that. Cook him good food, don't ask for his input and ignore any complaining or whining.

Both are not great options though, has he considered therapy to deal with mixed emotions he obviously has towards food?

OP I absolutely understand your frustration and I would be exactly the same...this would drive me mad and I would really struggle with it. But I'm saying this as a person who has no food issues.

But interestingly there are at least 3 posts on this thread from people who have similar issues to your DH and so are coming at it from his perspective and they share common themes. I think it's a shame he doesn't articulate it to you the way they have but it sounds like the best way to deal with it is at least to try just leaving him to it for a while.

Chipping in as another coeliac with lactose intolerance, I can see both aspects of this situation. I was recently glutened while we were away, and I am still struggling with what I can manage to eat 10 days later. There has been a lot of soup... It also makes it difficult to trust or rely on foods, so I get the safety feeling around something as familiar as toast.

Your menu planing sounds lovely (not too sure about the Quorn, but I am guessing they do a GF option?). So in his shoes, I would be very appreciative, but still struggle to eat some of the options until my gut felt more stable. Are there some things you can make and freeze (or buy as frozen) meaning that he can choose at the last minute, depending on his gut that day?

This week I've had three days where I could eat normally, and the rest have been rather random. Sometimes that's just the way it goes. DH cooked me chicken with jacket and veggies on Thursday, and I've reacted to it, although the ingredients were very safe, as was the cooking environment. Sometimes that's the way of gut disease. I really appreciated him cooking for me, but had to force myself to eat it. I hope you can find a good way forward, and in your DH's position I would totally welcome your support.

@CrepuscularCritter I think the difference in your situation is that presumably you are actually communicating with your DH and, if he asks what you’d like for dinner, you give him some useful information.

The OP seems to be in a situation where her husband won’t participate at all in anything to do with food - including just saying ‘actually I feel crap; I think I’ll just have some toast’ - and then sulking about what he’s served. She’s supposed to be a mind reader and rush around trying to look after him when he won’t cook or prepare food.

Or OP could just not cook for the prick.

I’ll probably get flamed for this but here goes, we all have our ‘thing’ and we all have things we dislike. I like cooking, dh doesn’t. I meal plan, shop and cook every day cuz dh doesn’t like doing that. But he is very grateful and appreciative for a home cooked meal every day, he clears up every day, and takes the bins and recycling and hangs out the washing out as his jobs- being ones I hate! I see no issue with its being your job, as long as he pulls his weight in other ways!

Indeed 😂

There are two separate issues here that people are conflating however, the DH being a fussy twat and she won't just let him eat toast.
The first issue is easily solved by not cooking for him, and the second I think she should leave him to it.
If I'm feeling nauseous with an upset stomach I would definitely want toast instead of smoked fish and mustard mash or anything teriyaki, and yes maybe to not even talk about food.

Thanks all, there have been some really helpful responses. For those saying I’m ‘babying’ him or acting like his mother, that’s fine but I see it as supporting someone who has is going through an extremely difficult time and I know he is very grateful for the effort I go to.

As I mentioned in my op there are other health concerns which include severe fatigue and depression. As most people with coeliac disease probably understand it’s not just about cutting out gluten, it’s the psychological impact and anxiety surrounding food, plus the general feeling unwell and being bloated for example.

As usual some really obnoxious people here.

I’ve always done food prep and cooking- not because I’m his mother, but because he doesn’t enjoy it and does plenty of things that I don’t like / do. I’ve never had any problem with this as I don’t mind cooking. Our relationship is fair and balanced.

I will however just let him know what’s for tea and he can either have left overs or sort himself some toast, this seems to be a happy medium for this situation.

He’s also got fibromyalgia and loss of movement, struggles everyday in pain. We’ve been happily married for 25 years. I believe supporting your spouse through difficult times is the right thing to do and will continue to do so, just like he would be supporting me if I was struggling with anything.

To the poster who said quorn mince contains barley, I checked the ingredients and it says ‘gluten free barley extract’ so presumably this is ok?

That was me. I personally wouldn’t risk it. Perhaps check with your national coeliac support group? Maybe it’s made differently in the UK to my country.

I’m so glad that you want to support him and understand that he’s going through a hard time. I think taking off the pressure of expecting him to eat and enjoy what you cook is a great idea. Consider cooking more simple meals or ones where you put aside a less spiced version for him then make the spicy version for yourself. For the lunch sandwiches that you make maybe leave off the dressings and sauces and he can add them himself. Does he have separate tubs of butter/marg and other spreads for himself that are kept GF? A single crumb from a knife in a tub/jar would make me ill. Separate GF toaster? My whole household is GF. We got rid of our previous gluten toaster. Turns out our DD reacts to gluten too.

I feel for him with the fatigue and FM. I’ve had CFS/ME for over 20 years, and depression has been hanging around since puberty but medication helps. It’s shit. How are his iron levels? Mine easily gets pretty bad because I seem to not absorb iron properly from food or supplements. Iron infusions have been a game changer. Having one every 18-24 months keeps my iron stores up in a healthy range instead of severely deficient or undetectable. I pay to get it done privately. About $200 well spent compared to spending that on supplements that won’t work much.

Encourage him to find some support groups either IRL or online. I’m a member of a coeliac FB group for my country and it has good information and product information, and people’s opinions of new products. Knowing that he’s not alone might help. Is he receiving support for his depression? Definitely encourage him to get treatment for it. Are all of his medications GF? In my country most are these days. The pharmacist can check the ingredients or you can usually look them up online.

Many people with coeliac can't eat barley or oats so gluten free versions still bother them however everyone is different. It is a risk to take though to eat them.

I know he is very grateful for the effort I go to.
which part of looking disappointed at what you’ve made is him being grateful for the effort you’ve gone to?