Frustrated with DH and food

[Henriettay]

DH has a few health issues including coeliac disease. He refuses to cook or meal plan because he hates it. I make his food most of the time. Occasionally if I don’t cook he’ll have some fresh soup or a snack.

He’s becoming really difficult around food, e.g if I ask what he fancies, he says he doesn’t know, therefore I cook something and he’ll act disappointed as he’s not sure he really wants it. I tell him to stop being so annoying and he apologises but then acts the same the following day.

I’m just so frustrated - I know the simplest answer is to just not cook for him, I tried this and he ate toast for a week. He needs to eat a balanced diet not just because it’s a healthy thing to do, but because of other issues his dietician has advised on certain types of food to include in his diet. I’m concerned he will get more ill from not following this advice.

He is really good in all other ways, but just won’t do food preparation or cooking. I wondered if anyone had experienced something similar and offer advice?

Yes, plus he isn’t four years old!

Same here. You write like his mother.
If he wants to eat toast for a week rather than think of nutritional meals for his adult self, let him. He'll soon get sick of that.

Can I pop over for lunch tomorrow??

This sounds really difficult. Not the same as having health issues to factor in, but I do get the frustration around all the effort wasted and worry about health. My young DCs can actually similar!! I'm the sense that they don't know what they want, poo poo all my ideas for food, then refuse to eat a home cooked meal or moan about it then not eat it (but then immediately ask for snacks - probs not the case with your DH - but you see the similarities in essence!).
One has bowel issues so does need lots of fibre etc and doesn't drink enough and getting it in them is so frustrating and difficult.

What I've found really helps is just making the absolute most basic things that take no time or effort, or just making go-to food that I know they will like. For mine that's beans on toast, egg on toast, jacket potatoes, or batch cooks of a liked meal that I can reheat in the microwave in just a few minutes. I make cooking less effortful by getting ready prepped or "cheat" type stuff (frozen chopped onions, frozen prepped veg, packet rice, that sort of thing) to make it quicker and easier.

Then when I do make something and it's refused or moaned about, I'm not as bothered.

I do agree with PPs that he's an adult and 100% responsible for his own health, he knows the advice and is perfectly free to take it or ignore it. If he decides to live on toast and his health suffer for it then that's on him. You can't help someone if they don't want to help themselves.

The other thing, is that who actually likes thinking of / planning meals?? I absolutely fucking hate it, with a passion! But if I don't do it then we don't eat, so I have to. You don't get to opt out just because you don't like it.
If he doesn't buck up I'd just tell him you also hate it so aren't doing it either!

He eats toast with Celiac disease?

Gluten free bread has existed for decades 🙄

It sounds like you are going above and beyond to help him (your meals sound lovely!) and he is not being appreciative at all. I would stop asking what he fancies and just prepare a meal and he can take it or leave it. Or make something for himself. He's a grown man and you are not responsible for making sure he eats healthily. You need to back off and let him take responsibility for himself.

@SleepingBeautySnores are you joking? OP is talking about her husband, not her child. He can go to the dietitian himself if he wants ideas. It’s not his wife’s job.

Your meals all sounds lovely OP, I'll eat them if he's not interested! I guess if he's celiac then it's understandable he's wary, but it feels like he's just not thinking what he likes. That's the annoying part for me...Use your words, I will make whatever YOU want. Argh. It does not help me as I'm an ED sufferer myself, but oddly less so than him. As I said, different rules for different sexes when it comes to disordered eating.
I'd say step back from it a bit as it's clearly stressing you out. My Dad was fussy and only ate with me and Mum on weekends, other nights he ate M&S Pizza or Indian Takeaway. Not madly healthy but at least easy.

He is an adult. He can cook his own food. Then it will be exactly how he likes it. Problem solved.

What would he do if he were single? Hire a private chef?

This is an adult you are speaking about?

You are not his mother

If you're generally stocked up with GF freezer food, bread, fruit and nuts then that sounds fine - no need to cook as well for someone who doesn't really want you to!

I do kind of understand how he feels as when my endometriosis was bad I could hardly eat anything at all except green apples and tomato soup, but I didn't make it DH's problem.

I do sympathise with your husband somewhat, as I have Crohn’s disease (don’t eat gluten because of it) and sometimes feel so nauseous that I can’t deal with the thought or smell of food - even things I usually like! At times like those, being asked what I want to eat almost makes me feel like crying, because I just can’t think of anything. It’s especially frustrating when I’m also actually hungry, but feel too sick to want anything.

BUT in those instances I’ll either have a bland meal like soup/gf toast or go without anything. I will then try to make up for it by packing in the nutritious foods when I’m feeling better. What I would never do is accept the offer of being cooked for, then act disappointed with what I get! So for that he is being very unreasonable. Does he usually end up eating what you cook after the disappointment?

I think that if he doesn’t come up with an answer to your first “what do you fancy for dinner?”, then don’t get drawn into coming up with options for him. Just say “well I feel like X, so I can either make enough for us both or you can sort yourself out from what we have in”.

@Remembering39862 ’s suggestion is a good one:

I think that if he doesn’t come up with an answer to your first “what do you fancy for dinner?”, then don’t get drawn into coming up with options for him. Just say “well I feel like X, so I can either make enough for us both or you can sort yourself out from what we have in”.

DH is also quite fussy and has difficulty deciding what to eat. I found helpful to change how I phrased the question. I stopped asking “what do you fancy?” and started asking “do you have any preferences?” which I know sounds minor but it let’s him say “no” if he simply doesn’t know what he wants (very common), or to say what he DOESN’T want rather than what he does

Sometimes I might suggest a couple of options (“we have X or Y in the fridge”) and I also do the “I fancy Z tonight, would you like that?” Either way it’s followed by the “or would you rather sort yourself out?”

Sorting himself out usually means breakfast cereal or a sandwich.

It works as it just takes the pressure off both of you. make it clear you are equally happy to make him something, or just to cook for yourself.

Stop cooking for him. He's not a child ffs

My partner doesn't have health issues but he is a fussy eater, everything must be plain, not spicy or saucy I'm the opposite so I refuse to cook for him

You're really going above and beyond.

I would find something incredibly simple and gentle on the gut and the stomach for when he says he doesn't know what he wants to eat.

I have a completely different gut issue but when my gut flares I get bad cramps, feel sick and don't fancy food. In my case I've found through trial and error I can manage food best which is low in fibre as it is less difficult for my gut to deal with. When he's not in the moment can your husband explain the problem better or explain why certain foods don't appeal? Strong flavours? Hard to digest?

If you really can't get a clear answer, decide what his simple meal is -soup? omelette? then only make that. I'd make sure it super simple so i didn't feel like throttling him if he refused it. Stop rewarding him for crappy behaviour.

Stopping cooking for him and letting him figure it out himself is a reasonable response. But it’s not the only one.

It sounds like this diagnosis (I’m assuming from the way you wrote that it’s recent, but may be off the mark here) and the issues with eating out have knocked him a bit. What was he like about food before? Did he cook much? Did he like food? Might it be worth you trying to doing a class or two together about cooking for coeliac’s? Or suggesting some therapy?

You can’t make him care, though. And doing all his caring for him is infantilising and, as you’re seeing, leads to feelings of frustration and changes your view of him.

If he's struggling a bit with medical stuff, then perhaps he might need to pare it right back for a while? Obviously just toast isn't great, perhaps nutritional supplements might be good?

What a mug you are, making a grown man a packed lunch.

He is a grown man with a medical condition. He needs to take responsibility for managing that condition.

You're his wife not his mum
Stop cooking for him and let him sort himself out - he's so ungrateful

Stop cooking for him, he’s not a baby, either he appreciates what you put on the table or he eats toast. If he considers toast superior to your efforts thats on him.

Stop babying him, you are spending a lot of time being considerate towards him and he literally doesn’t care about the time and effort you are putting in. How would you behave if your roles were reversed ? Would you be sitting there making sad face at your plate? Or would you say “actually I’ll cook for myself” or perhaps “thanks for dinner love, looks great”.

@Henriettay Quorn mince contains gluten. It’s got barley in it. As a coeliac myself I’m not surprised that he’s cautious about food. Until he works out what his body will actually tolerate and his gut heals he’ll understandably be cautious. Eating and then being hit with awful bowel pain ending in diarrhoea is horrible. Personally I never eat out. I don’t trust places to be free of cross contamination or to know what’s actually GF. I’m also lactose intolerant which makes it harder too. Your DH needs to be more polite towards you and appreciate your efforts but I think some compassion is needed for how terrible his body feels. Thankfully my DH was completely on board with cooking differently. He does our cooking and was already used to cooking LF for me and GF just needed a few more ingredient substitutions so it was okay. However I love his cooking and express my appreciation so I’m guessing that makes a difference. I’d suggest to your DH that perhaps he needs to go back to his doctor and ask for nausea medication, and see his dietitian about taking probiotics to support his gut healing and healthy bacteria repopulating it. I’d suggest cooking more simple foods and less complex ones that have multiple ingredients that might contain gluten. For example curry - too much chance of the spices being cross contaminated unless they’re labelled GF. When I’m nauseous I don’t want strong tasting foods.

Jeepers!! I don’t even ask my DH what he wants/feels like I cook he eats it or fends for himself. He’s an adult who knows his own medical needs stop babying him