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Original poster

To feel traumatised at deciding not to have kids

124 replies

pregahes · 09/02/2024 23:21

I've been trying to conceive for over five years, I've started treatment with a doctor a few months ago that cost a lot of money but am thinking to abort it all and last night made the decision to ditch the meds and stay childfree.

My DH said something to me that makes me believe it just isn't the right thing to do and I'm traumatised - I feel really strange and odd, confused and sad n a weird stage of mind.

Please do not ask if I have tired adoption or ivf obviously I've explored those routes and I'm coming to terms with naturally not being able to conceive but I also think having kids doesn't feel right so why the trauma?

Does anyone have experience of this?

OP posts:
Justifiedcheese · 09/02/2024 23:23

Depends what he said, exactly.

TeaKitten · 09/02/2024 23:24

Well what did he say? Do you have to decide to stay child free forever right now?

Original poster
pregahes · 09/02/2024 23:27

It's not just what he said and I really don't want to say because it will derail the thread but I don't think it will be healthy based on his words.

Even if he didn't say what he said it's just not right after so many years of trying it feels like I should move on. I also don't think I'd cope well with a child but I still feel trauma

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/02/2024 23:28

I think it's a HUGE thing to come to terms with. You have put yourself through a lot through years and you are throwing that plan in the bin.

The life you planned gone "overnight" that is traumatic.

abcdefghijkI · 09/02/2024 23:29

Flowers OP

It seems quite obvious to me why there would be trauma? You've made the decision because you've been forced to by all the trying and interventions not working - not because you truly want to be child free?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2024 23:31

What did he say?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2024 23:31

Ah, sorry.

Original poster
pregahes · 09/02/2024 23:33

@AnneLovesGilbert please I really don't want to get into it, I don't want to hear LTB or other dogs at him because it wasn't the point of the thread. He claims what he said was a joke but I'm not so sure, I just didn't like it.

It was something distasteful about our 'future children' but it'll just leave it there, please don't ask again (I don't mean to sound rude and sorry if that's how it comes off but I don't want to say).

OP posts:
Original poster
pregahes · 09/02/2024 23:34

@RandomMess thank you x

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 09/02/2024 23:35

I think op, if you think of it like being in a toxic relationship you know it's something that's no longer working for you, but ending it also means grieving the relationship and the hope and the future that went with it that you had.

You're making the decision to choose a different path and journey for yourself, that doesn't mean that part of you won't want to grieve the loss of the future you'd originally hoped for even if you recognise that pursuing it isn't the right thing for you at least at this moment in time.

It's a huge thing and there's no normal, there's no one way to feel and you deserve time and support and to be gentle with yourself while you process and adjust. I'd recommend counselling. I'm not sure how helpful you found your dh comments or how supportive he is, but having a space that's just for you to explore your feelings in a non judgemental setting will help a lot with processing. Especially because we know people often say the wrong thing in circumstances like this even when they mean well.

Original poster
pregahes · 09/02/2024 23:35

@abcdefghijkI I honestly am not so sure. I hear babies crying and think I could never cope with it. I don't really like children all that much so have no idea why I'm continuing to go down this path.

I'm also SO scared of being childfree. So scared.

OP posts:
EdinGirl · 09/02/2024 23:36

Could it be grief and also readjusting what you just assumed/expected your life would look like?

We decided to be childfree in similar circumstances.

It took me two years after that decision to realise that a HUGE part of my struggle with the decision was that I had wrapped up a lot of my worth in being a mother and being able to produce children for my wider family.

There was so much pressure both internal and external.

I'm not saying you will feel the same, but I feel so relieved now and have really made my life wonderful and embraced being childfree.

But, it will only work if BOTH of you are 100% on board and neither will throw blame or resentment further down the line.

Posypointshoes · 09/02/2024 23:36

So are you traumatised by the decision or traumatised by what he said as I’m unclear.
sorry op it sounds rough

Original poster
pregahes · 09/02/2024 23:36

@Lavender14 I had one counselling f session that wasn't all that helpful.

I may seek out a fertility specific counsellor maybe that will make a difference

OP posts:
Original poster
pregahes · 09/02/2024 23:37

@Posypointshoes both to be honest

OP posts:
Astridastro · 09/02/2024 23:38

A friend got to 40 and basically decided this after years of trying different routes too. She was devastated, took some time off work, had some counselling, she was advised to see it as a bereavement and grieve for the child(ren) she’d never have, be kind to herself and allow herself time and space to come to terms with it.

It’s a huge thing OP allow yourself that time and space too, seek professional counselling if you feel that would help you, take it easy on yourself

CoffeeMachineNewbie · 09/02/2024 23:40

So are you thinking having kids is a bad idea or what he said makes you think having kids with him is a bad idea?

ShippingNews · 09/02/2024 23:42

I've been trying to conceive for over five years, I've started treatment with a doctor a few months ago that cost a lot of money but am thinking to abort it all and last night made the decision to ditch the meds and stay childfree.

Your statement here is all about you - surely he has a strong interest in the decision as well ? I know it is ultimately about you and your body, but as a married couple you make decisions together . Specially a decision as major as this one. If one person in a couple decides that they want to stay child free, and the other person doesn't, that is often a reason to split . You need to think about it.

2in13 · 09/02/2024 23:43

It's a big decision and perhaps this feels more 'final' as of course time/age also plays a role. Perhaps that's part of the reason why it feels traumatic. You've tried for a long while and now you've decided against trying further. Perhaps you also feel alone or unheard? It can be lonely regardless of whether or not your partner wants to continue to trying

GreeneryGrass · 09/02/2024 23:43

Hope you're ok OP.
I understand your decision to not post what he said online, but is there anyone in your life you can discuss it with instead?
I really believe that in lots of situations, a problem shared is a problem halved. Maybe talking it through face to face with somebody can help you evaluate what it is exactly that's affecting you, and maybe they can offer you some support.

Original poster
pregahes · 09/02/2024 23:43

@CoffeeMachineNewbie I just think having kids is not a good idea anymore. It just stoped feeling 'right'.

I can't explain, but the longer it goes on the longer I think am I creating a huge problem for myself.

I struggle with mild depression too and get home and think it would be hell on earth to then content with a. Child

I'm just so so scared about my future life, I'm crying as I write this because it feels so hard.

I honestly just get the feeling DH would be a good dad but in a mute way. He's not empathetic or emotional. I really don't want to say what he said but I know what he said isn't right

OP posts:
Original poster
pregahes · 09/02/2024 23:44

@GreeneryGrass I cannot share it with anyone. It would create issues with people I know, it's something I just need to keep to myself.

I feel very alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
pregahes · 09/02/2024 23:45

@ShippingNews he doesn't care. He says he will be happy either way and is coming around to the idea of childfree more than me. He wants to adopt (I don't).

He doesn't want biological children or so he says. Although I get the impression if for whatever reason we don't make it he would meet someone younger and start a family.

Just a feeling.

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 09/02/2024 23:48

Even if you take what your dh said out of the equation, 5 years of wanting children and not being able to have them is extremely traumatic, emotional, draining and more. It’s bloody hard watching your friends graduate while being stuck in the same space of life.

Just be kind to yourself.

GreeneryGrass · 09/02/2024 23:48

pregahes · 09/02/2024 23:44

@GreeneryGrass I cannot share it with anyone. It would create issues with people I know, it's something I just need to keep to myself.

I feel very alone.

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry, it sounds like you're having such an awful time here with this. I of course don't know what he said, but I'm really sorry it's affecting you to this extent.
Do you think the firm decision to not have kids ever is solely due to your emotional response to that conversation? Please don't think you need to make any decisions right now, you don't have to rush into any decisions whether you do or don't want to start a family, there's no immediate deadline I'm sure. Take it one step at a time, process what has upset you first - there's no need to weigh yourself down with any form life decisions right now. x