To feel traumatised at deciding not to have kids

[pregahes]

I've been trying to conceive for over five years, I've started treatment with a doctor a few months ago that cost a lot of money but am thinking to abort it all and last night made the decision to ditch the meds and stay childfree.

My DH said something to me that makes me believe it just isn't the right thing to do and I'm traumatised - I feel really strange and odd, confused and sad n a weird stage of mind.

Please do not ask if I have tired adoption or ivf obviously I've explored those routes and I'm coming to terms with naturally not being able to conceive but I also think having kids doesn't feel right so why the trauma?

Does anyone have experience of this?

I think you do need counselling with a good therapist (they aren't all decent).

Your DH seems to have said something deeply hurtful. That needs unpicking.

Your depression needs unpicking - is it the situation or is it something deeper.

Perhaps changing your life - finding out what smaller and larger things being YOU pleasure and pursue them.

Op, I'm so so sorry you are going through this.
I can in a way understand what you are going through. I had secondary infertility. So I did have my first child, but couldn't conceive after.
It just wouldn't happen, we tried so many different things, and DH - who isn't DDs biological father sorely wanted to have a baby.
He changed his mind when we were getting serious about getting medical help. He flip flopped a lot.
I found that hard to handle, ontop of my own feelings.
In the back of my mind, he would become more sure as the chances of medical help really helping us to conceive would become unlikely then he would abandon me for someone who could give him a baby.

There are so many ways that what you are going through is traumatic and it also makes sense that you are now having a crossroads moment where you're thinking..do I do this?

What do I do?

I would recommend speaking through this with a counsellor, they'll help you to really dig into these concerns and your feelings behind them.

I did have a second baby eventually- that was a journey from 2008- 2022 to get him.

Whatever you choose to do, I hope that you have a happy and fulfilled life.
Having children can bring both some of the happiest, and stressful days of your life. Children add so much, but also take away in many ways.

IVF is incredibly emotionally and physically draining so it’s no wonder you are feeling defeated and worn out. This is natural. A dear friend of mine went through IVF for 5 years and even though she is one of the strongest people I know, I could see the toll it took on her. There’s so much at stake and you sacrifice years to it, sometimes for nothing. She did end up adopting but I understand this is not the route for everyone.

OP you don’t say how old you are, am I correct that you are maybe at the “last chance” age for kids? I would say that once you get over this age it gets a lot easier. My mum (in her early 70s now) has two friends who never had kids. One couple travels the world, eats in the best restaurants, has a holiday home abroad, members of theatres and art galleries, literally living the fanciest life. The other is a total homebody, potters around, has naps in the day, friends round for tea and wine, pleases her completely. Both live fulfilling, lovely, different lives. Neither had children. Both are fine, both are happy, both relationships they are in survived and thrived. Are there lives different for not having kids? Yes. Are they any less happy? No.

I think I understand. I'm childfree by choice, but it's not black and white for me and taken a huge amount of soul searching to make this choice. I still feel a certain amount of sadness at not having kids, even though I think I'm making the right choice. So if you've experienced infertility, I imagine it must be even harder, even if you have decided you don't want children.

I suspect your H is the problem.

I think I can guess what he “joked” about. If it’s what I think it is, I couldn’t be with that person. Im so sorry you’re having a rough time. I know you don’t want to hear LTB but if you are this unhappy, are you sure it’s not also a symptom of your marriage?

You don’t have to be married, or have children, to be happy. You don’t have to be married, or have children, to be a worthy member of society.

Find a different counsellor and be open to the process, it may be painful to start.

It sounds like you have been hit with a double whammy - infertility and the pain that brings, plus the shocking realisation that your H/relationship isn't what you thought.

Whatever your H said, it's clearly given you pause for thought. Which perhaps us not bad thing. You said you'd be embarrassed to tell MN or a counsellor what he said - it's not your embarrassment, it's his. But I think your reluctance to verbalise it is perhaps because there's no coming back from it and you aren't ready to hear the responses to it.

I can hear your distress. I'm happily childfree but I completely understand the pressure you feel - society is built around it. I think you just need to take time to process everything. Be kind to yourself.

My childless friends (some by choice, some not) are all living fabulous lives. Some have incredible jobs, some don’t. But all of them are out socialising, can go away at the drop of a hat, some have dogs, some are now single as a result of being unable to conceive and relationship breakdowns. They’re all in a good place now.

You don’t sound like you like or want children? Bit confused by that part, what made you want to try in the first place….
You don’t seem to be in a happy relationship either (maybe you are happy, I just getting the vibes from your post that you could be happier). What your husband has said seems to have jarred you, whether he was joking or not- you either need to have it out with him, or let it go? (You’ve said he will lie) you’ve also said if you split he would likely have children with a younger woman- why have these things crossed your mind? Something to discuss with a counsellor not on mn.

Perhaps you need a total life overhaul, new job, new start. Really think about what you want from life, where you’d like to be in five years and how you can get there or part of the way. I hope you find some future happiness OP as you seem very sad. 💐

@Mummyoflittledragon thank you I will check the group out.

I also agree with you and DH has also said I need counselling. I completely agree

I also feel like I'm getting quite bitter.

I don't want to talk to people or socialise much at all.

I also was asked yesterday if as I'm approaching 40 I think I want to have kids by someone. DH calls it weird but I got satisfaction over making the person feel awkward and telling them I can't have kids.

DH said I'm mean to do this. But this is the state I've got to, I honestly enjoyed seeing them squirm and thought it was their payback for not having to go through this. How ridiculous I know!

@CrunchyCarrot I'm sorry about saying that about childless people, I guess I'm in that category too though so I'm saying it about myself also!!!

I honestly just have no idea outside of work (which I enjoy somewhat but I don't want just have work or focus on the rest of my life), what the hell I would do to bring purpose.

I've tried hobbies, I don't really like to socialise with people I have little patience and therefore I just think I'll grow into a weird loser to be honest.

Also worth noting from the outside I appear very differently, a social confident butterfly but most of it's fake I get bored by most conversation

@DopeyS thank you your story sounds very similar. I hope you find peace too and perhaps counselling sounds like a good idea for you also?

@lightand I'm definitely having a break until after my. Next birthday and then will reasses where I am.

That gives enough time for counselling too

Personally - I find that TTC can be come your identity . It’s all the appointments, the hours researching in the desperate hope something might be the magic cure, the pills the hormones …. And when that stops - there’s a sudden space where that identity was. That is a loss. And loss is a grief.

it’s also a loss of what you might have imagined your life to be. Personally I always ‘was’ at my core - a mum of a ridiculously large family. I’ve had to grieve that identity. If things aren’t as well in your marriage as you’d like, it’s a loss of that identity of yourself as a married woman , and the future you had together.

All of that is deeply challenging, unsettling and can be traumatic.

find a good therapist - try a couple to find one that works for you . Please don’t be embarrassed to tell them things. A good therapist will be able to hold whatever you bring.

'DH calls it weird but I got satisfaction over making the person feel awkward and telling them I can't have kids.'

I don't think that's weird at all. People should learn to mind their own bloody business

I really feel for you OP. It's an enormous decision that involves a whole lot of painful soul searching. I'm childfree by choice but it was a long hard process to get to that point, and involved some very intense grieving. I can absolutely relate to your questions about what the hell you are going to do with your life and who the hell you will be without children

Another big recommendation for therapy from me - best thing I ever did for myself. And the MNers without children, and Gateway Women too. Both brilliant for helping you to feel part of a bigger group of people who get where you are coming from

@SquishyGloopyBum

But I think your reluctance to verbalise it is perhaps because there's no coming back from it and you aren't ready to hear the responses to it. *
*
Exactly this*

You are grieving the relatives you wanted to have but cannot have this very minute. People do get pregnant though, unexpectedly in many cases.

Do not take the decision yet, your husband might have been very sarcastic trying to take your mind off your grief. Grief over relatives we lost that we never had is a very real grief. The majority of people have a very deep intense natural inclination to breed, it is deeper than surface level, it is genetic also

There is nothing weird about you at all.
You are enough - just as you are. You don't need children to have a purpose. Your life is your purpose, just as it is. Please take time to be kind to yourself.

Sometimes you see here women who suffered miscarriages and went into very deep grief and somebody ridiculing their reactions, even health professionals mocking them , telling they are psychotic. Grief is real and is not psychotic nor has to be treated.

Apologies if I’m completely wrong but do you maybe feel traumatised and alone because you’re unhappy in your marriage, and if you don’t have children this means it will always just be you and DH?

Ditch the husband. Have counselling. Reassess whether you want children then. Because if you do, you really don’t need him. And his presence sounds quite malevolent anyway.

But also this:

also was asked yesterday if as I'm approaching 40 I think I want to have kids by someone. DH calls it weird but I got satisfaction over making the person feel awkward and telling them I can't have kids.

DH said I'm mean to do this. But this is the state I've got to, I honestly enjoyed seeing them squirm and thought it was their payback for not having to go through this. How ridiculous I know!

Enjoy it. People should be made to squirm. People need to realise our uteruses and what we do with them are none of their fucking business.

You do sound bitter OP. It is possible to be child-free and not be empty and miserable.
As much as it is possible for people with kids to feel empty and miserable.

It all comes down to contentment.
If you're not content in yourself, a child won't heal you. Same as a partner doesn't complete you.

A child will leave one day, could become NC, could die etc. You need to be ok within yourself first.

It's better to be child-free than have children you regret having.

Previous poster nailed by how you've made this all about yourself and massively projecting onto the child-free couples around you.

What your DH said may only be a small part, but if you were content within yourself, you would have brushed it off.

You’ve not chosen it though, which is why you’re feeling so upset over it and I don’t blame you.

You are having to accept a possibility which you never allowed yourself to think about before and that would be traumatic for anyone.

I’m sorry this has been so difficult for you.

Sounds like you have a partner problem rather than a fertility one (or maybe both). What have the investigations found? His sperm or you or inconclusive? I say ditch him- be single or perhaps eventually meet someone else and then reconsider your options and regather your thoughts then.