To feel traumatised at deciding not to have kids

[pregahes]

I've been trying to conceive for over five years, I've started treatment with a doctor a few months ago that cost a lot of money but am thinking to abort it all and last night made the decision to ditch the meds and stay childfree.

My DH said something to me that makes me believe it just isn't the right thing to do and I'm traumatised - I feel really strange and odd, confused and sad n a weird stage of mind.

Please do not ask if I have tired adoption or ivf obviously I've explored those routes and I'm coming to terms with naturally not being able to conceive but I also think having kids doesn't feel right so why the trauma?

Does anyone have experience of this?

I've always said that if you don't absolutely love kids and everything to do with kids you shouldn't have any. Kids are bloody hard work and you sacrifice yourself for them every day of your life.
My DS....my one and only is 40 now and has his own life. He doesn't live in my pocket and I don't want him looking after me when I'm old. We love each other of course but when they leave home they have their own lives and once again you are alone.
My DSIS spent £80k on IVF and didn't get pregnant. Two years after trying she got pregnant naturally.
You just don't know what will happen. Enjoy your life.

@pregahes Having children or not isn't a cut and dried matter like choosing wallpaper versus paint. It's a deeply complex matter involving you as an individual, what you want for your partner, what's best for the couple, the hopes, dreams and aspirations of wider family and friends ...
Modern life comes with apparent options and opportunities that were beyond comprehension a generation or two ago. Closing the door on those options - whether by free choice or in response to constraints of postcode lottery or financial resources is painful for anyone, more so for someone who has been wondering 'will this be the month' for a long time.
Counselling with someone you trust, who has your long-term welfare at heart is the best way of working through this. A contented you, will benefit all of those around you.
Be kind to yourself. Good luck.

OP, I have been where you are and can totally empathise with you - I tried unsuccessfully for a baby for nearly 20 years and went through all of the degrading appointments with medics etc and suffered 6 miscarriages and my husband and I finally decided that we couldn't go through that emotional rollercoaster anymore and we also realised that although we love each other, all of the stress and trying and disappointments were actually breaking us apart.

I won't lie, it was the toughest decision we have ever made and we went through a period of grieving as it became obvious that our lives were not going to be how we'd always assumed they would be and how we wanted it to be.

Once we got through the grieving process, I can honestly say we began to feel free - as in there were no more stresses about wondering if we'd been lucky that month, no more invasive and emotional appointments, no more drugs that made me feel really poorly etc - we began doing things for ourselves - going on weekend breaks, having a night out, getting a takeaway - basically a treat for ourselves once a month and I'm 46 now (we began trying when I was 21) and although we do still have the odd occasion where we feel a bit wistful, we're happy with the life we have now (even though I personally never felt that would be possible).

Sending you hugs x

Have a listen to/ read of Women Without Kids by Ruby Warrington

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/women-without-kids/id1642683714

Whether without children by choice or circumstance she talks about the pressure on women to have children, the different ways we reach the decision/ acceptance that we will remain child free and some of the different ways this affects us. I heard her being interviewed on another podcast and something she said about the feelings she had when she realised the family linage would end with her really struck home with me!

I think this post sums it up, really. I feel your pain, OP. I am childless in my early forties, not entirely by choice - more by circumstance. I remember bawling my eyes out on my 40th birthday... it felt as though a door had slammed shut and hit me hard on my way into this decade!

Figuring out "so now, what?" is HARD. Take your time and remember: you are enough. You matter, what you do and feel matter. Hugs!

@pregahes

You only have to look at posts on here Op to see that having children isn’t all that Op.

yeah there are some fabulous but also tons of stressful, boring and upsetting times as well.

Women are sold this narrative that having children is the be all and end all, it’s what we should be doing, we are abnormal if not, blah blah it’s all bollocks.

You be you and be happy

@pregahes why do you want or did want children? Is it because you really wanted to be a parent or is it just because it's what is expected of us as women....the next thing to tick off.....something to bring some misguided sense of purpose.

If the latter then children are not the only route to feeling a sense of purpose or fulfilment. There are other things in life and it is a life that you don't realise is an option at the moment because you don't know what is the consequence of your decision.

Not being able to have a child when you want one desperately is like a form of grief for a person. They will be unhappy, feeling empty and depressed. But most will move on from those feelings as they find a new route through life and many women find that they are happier in the end, without children.

Another one saying come over to the MN without children board. We will get you through this.

I also was asked yesterday if as I'm approaching 40 I think I want to have kids by someone. DH calls it weird but I got satisfaction over making the person feel awkward and telling them I can't have kids.

It's not weird to feel satisfied at putting a nosy twat in their place. Good on you.

Not over having children.

But, I know the feelings you describe.

I was in a 14 year relationship, engaged, due to be married, no children, mid 30’s and I eventually reached the decision I didn’t want the future I was heading for. I decided to end the relationship. We were due to go on holiday when I told him that we needed to split. He told me he would wait for me at the airport and if I wasn’t there then the relationship was over but if I changed my mind to meet him at the airport. I didn’t go. At the time I knew our flight was due I felt so strange, detached, weirdly calm, knowing that my relationship was over. I didn’t want to be mid 30s and single, selling my home, not knowing if I’d meet anyone else. It was a very odd feeling. I didn’t know if I felt sad, relieved, excited for the new life I’d decided to embark on, or whether I was making a huge mistake.

@pregahes - not rude at all.
Fuck them for being so fucking rude and nosy. It's none of their business.

When we moved to the area we live in, virtually the first question from every woman I met was "which primary school do your children go to?"
We hadn't even started trying to have children at the time, so I was mostly bemused and irritated by the question.

I can only imagine how much it would have hurt if this had happened during the hellish years of us TTC and the 5 or so years after we decided to stop.

Some people are nosy fuckers with no consideration of the impact of their words. If you can make them squirm then go for it!

Very normal. Natural process of grief and loss. You will go through the atages and watch stage and it's length will vary.

Can you explain what about being childfree is scaring you?

I know you said no to adoption OP- but how about respite Foster caring ?
You could have children for weekends /holidays to give parent a break

If you find a good counsellor you could share it with them

My friend, when she got to 40 decided to stop trying and fertility stuff too. She’s mentioned how beneficial she found bereavement therapy. She treated it as a loss and grieved for what could have been but wasn’t. She’s been quite candid about how that was much better for her than ‘normal’ counselling/therapy.

Op has a lot to come to terms with before she could consider something like this - it needs people to be very able to cope with children who may be very challenging, and OP is already in emotional turmoil around her life/future.

@Kittylala

i think you’re the strange one Hun.

can you really not see why anyone would feel scared, overwhelmed, intimidated, whatever by such a mentally and physically gruelling process as IVF?!

where is your empathy?

Just to clarify I've not actually had IVF, that's not the issue of fertility for me and my DH soerm is ok too

It's multiple miscarriage causing the issue

You sound like you've been through a really tough time and it isn't surprising that you are struggling.

You do say that you made the decision - isn't that one for the both of you to make/discuss? You say he wants to adopt - that suggests he would like to have a family. I wonder if that prompted his reaction to you - feeling locked out and helpless?

It feels like this is something you need to work through together. You can then both understand each other's feelings and see where it takes you. This is something you are both going through (although clearly multiple miscarriages are a terrible thing to physically and emotionally experience|) and hopefully you find a way through together.

I really hope you can work out and a solution. Good luck

There comes a point where you can't do it anymore. There's lots of stories about IVF miracles etc but after 5 years, I can understand why someone thinks "OK, enough now, I'm stopping". I've got experience of this, albeit not identical. It's really sad, as you/your partner wanted children but can't have them easily or probably at all. You sound like you need time to adjust to this. I took very little time, I think because there were bigger factors at play, but I still feel incredibly sad about it and bitter about the unfairness of it. I hope that will go and I reach a point where I can imagine a future where I don't feel 'less'. In the meantime, know that motherhood is just one path.

Multiple miscarriages sounds exhausting OP. And then it sounds like your husband made a very poorly-worded joke about what your future kids could be like or what could happen to them, which has made you see him in a different light. And I don’t blame you for making that comment towards somebody asking about your fertility. How dare they be so damn nosy?

I don’t think there is an easy solution for how you are feeling. It feels like a life/changing moment for you, and of course that’s a big deal. You will be feeling angry, upset, isolated and confused. It may help to share your feelings with people in the same boat.

The only thing I would say, which is probably sounding hollow from someone in their 50s with kids, is that I have friends my age without children. They are leading very happy and fulfilled lives. And it really has made me see that there is no one way to lead a life and it is perfectly possible to have a good life without children. And indeed for many people, having children can cause a great deal of stress and problems in every area of life. Having kids is the start of a path of anxiety mixed in with the good bits.

What’s most important is that your life partner adds love, value and security to your life. That’s something to think about. Wishing you peace. X

I often find men understand fuck all about women's bodies. This isn't to excuse anything your DH said. Just, in general. They may try but they will never get it. You need some women friends to help you through this, perhaps.

@pregahes

IMHO you're dealing with two separate but 'entwined' issues and both are best dealt with by counseling.

I see the issues as:

1- Your decision not to have children. Having children, especially for a married couple, is (wrongly) a 'societal expectation'. You've chosen to swim against that tide and that is your unquestionable right to do. But you're dealing not only with the decision itself but possibly fear of the way people will/may react to it. Of course that's traumatic!

2- Whatever it is your DH said. I don't need to know it, but it was obviously something snotty and/or cruel. It sounds as if this wasn't a one off and that there are other issues in your marriage that you need to settle in your mind. It may be that you need to make a decision about leaving the marriage and that is causing you fear/upset. Or perhaps your DH isn't supporting you in your decision not to have children and is determined to talk you into it. Either of those scenarios is traumatic, too!

Whether it's one issue or both, you need to see a good counselor. And as far as having one session and not feeling that you got anything out of it, it takes more than that! First off you need to find the counselor that's right for you. It may take sessions with a few counselors before you 'click' with one of them. And once you find the counselor you click with, it's going to take time and hard work to get through to the 'right place' where you are able to settle your mind on your decisions and take any action needed to facilitate them. It's a marathon, not a sprint. But you are guaranteed to 'win the race' if you put forth the effort.

When I went into therapy it took me going to 3 counselors before I found the right one and I was in therapy for 18 months and it took a lot of hard work and some uncomfortable truths before I was able to 'put things where they belonged' in my mind and make the changes I needed to make. But I'm so glad I did and it was so worth it!

Now you’ve clarified about the miscarriages I wonder if there could be another issue with the way you feel about your body. Women who endure multiple miscarriages often feel as if they’re ‘broken’, ‘damaged goods’ or ‘not a proper woman’ because they’ve ’failed’ at pregnancy, in a way that somehow feels more immediate than if they can’t get pregnant at all (in addition it’s easier to ‘blame’ the female partner when it’s harder to see the male partner’s contribution to the problem).

You’ll need to find a way to be kind to yourself about this as you grieve these multiple losses.