To feel traumatised at deciding not to have kids

[pregahes]

I've been trying to conceive for over five years, I've started treatment with a doctor a few months ago that cost a lot of money but am thinking to abort it all and last night made the decision to ditch the meds and stay childfree.

My DH said something to me that makes me believe it just isn't the right thing to do and I'm traumatised - I feel really strange and odd, confused and sad n a weird stage of mind.

Please do not ask if I have tired adoption or ivf obviously I've explored those routes and I'm coming to terms with naturally not being able to conceive but I also think having kids doesn't feel right so why the trauma?

Does anyone have experience of this?

I'm wondering if you've also had a very startling realisation about the state of your marriage that you haven't come to terms with.

Gently, how could anyone who doesn't have empathy or show emotions be a good dad?
I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling with this after everything you have gone through, it's very emotive and it doesn't sound like your partner is being very supportive, but its okay to feel a lot of complicated emotions and be upset. Wishing you all the best working through this, it sounds like you might be doing some thinking about your relationship too, and that's a lot to deal with.

@GreeneryGrass I feel like the conversation was the icing on the cake to be honest.

He insists what he said was a joke but I think he's a liar. But what if it really was a joke I keep thinking.

And like I say, it's not that comment alone I honestly feel it's just the tip of the iceberg.

I am so scared, I don't have a clue what kind of life I will have.

It feels like I will just trudge through being depressed stuck in a mundane life with mundane people.

@GreeneryGrass thank you. Anthony what he said is even better embarrassed to say to a counsellor to be honest.

@TakeMe2Insanity thank you. I feel like I'm being weak giving up, but like I said earlier I actually think parenting would make me more depressed.

I also loom around at childless people I know (please do not take offence if you are childless) but they often appear empty and miserable. Maybe I'm hanging with the wrong crowd but the parents also seem miserable but appear to have purpose - at least they're living for something?

This is honestly the hardest thing of my life

Something that really helps me if I'm really struggling and have to get something off my chest without saying it to my loved ones is I post somewhere anonymously. In the past, I have used Mumsnet. But there are countless forums, sites and chat rooms where you could just type it out and let it into the world. Don't include anything that could identify you, just enough to paint a basic picture. Then you've said it without anyone judging you or your husband personally, and it's a problem shared.

Is that something you would consider? I worry about you keeping this to yourself when it is clearly hurting you. For me, It's hard to move forward from something without saying/writing/typing it into the world without repercussion. It's part of a healing process, but I understand that might not be the same for you.

@GreeneryGrass you're right maybe I need to find a safe space and be careful to share anonymously

I understand fully why people don't want to have kids, as much as I understand why they do. I don't, through choice. I won't go deep into my reasons but there's nothing wrong whatsoever with choosing not to have children. You can change your mind in future if you wish? I don't think you should ignore your feelings that you do not want to. Women's MO doesn't have to solely be to procreate. However if it's your husband putting you off with unkind words you need to have a chat with him.

I'm so sorry, OP. No practical advice but lots of compassion. The fertility journey can be absolutely brutal and there is no wrong or right decision when you're choosing whether to continue.

Much love to you.

OP massive sympathy, it must be awful to feel your life's path is just carving itself without you really having a proper choice.

Maybe take a step back and think about fulfillment. If you don't have kids, what will make you feel fulfilled? Your job? Your friends? Your relationship (maybe not this one?). Volunteering?

Give yourself space to grieve the life you hoped for, but also make some time to think about what good looks like for your life now. And genuinely reflect on whether your current relationship is actually a part of that.

I fully understand this. I was very scared of never having children. It happened for us, in the end, although we did consider adoption. It is a huge thing to come to terms with - whatever you finally decide. It was a very painful time in my life - the worst. Over 20 years later I can still remember it.

Try to look after yourself. Give yourself some time.

Im so sorry

i hope you find peace

Hi @pregahes , unfortunately I know very well the trauma related to infertility. In my case I struggle to get pregnant and have recurrent miscarriages, so double trauma. Have been on this roller coaster for 5.5 years.

I would advise you to take a break, this road is extremely difficult. Don't take any rush decisions, the trauma and no end in sight makes you wonder if you should keep trying. I don't know about your DH, but sometimes man try to make a hard face, not show emotions due to the extreme pain and disappointment they feel inside, at least my DH does.

I don't like other babies crying either, but I know I will love my babies. We do want to hopefully have our children at the end of the road and keep trying, but we do take our breaks between cycles.

I think you should take a break (whatever it takes you) and then really think through if you really want a child for you, think how you want your future to play out ideally, then maybe work on the communication on your marriage. Like you said, for man is easier, they just find a young woman to have them so focus on finding what are your true feelings first.

Best wishes

I am very sorry you are going through this. We have also been through infertility and never did have children but have a good life nevertheless, it is possible. However it sounds to me that your DH has said something that has made you think he is not the man you thought he was. It maybe that he feels he is helping you by keeping his own grief to himself, Part of the trauma of infertility is feeling you have disappointed other people. I agree with pp that you need to take a break from this and just live your life for a while, and may be explore your feelings via counselling/therapy?

Honestly this is such a fallacy, if you're stressed and depressed having children makes everything so much worse as you still have to put someone else's needs before your own. Your choices are so limited, if anything almost non-existent

I also think you really need to find a safe space to talk about this and as soon as possible as you’re making a life changing decision. This decision sounds like too heavy a burden to do alone.

Idk what he said. Idk if you should just stop the treatment you’re about to start. My dd is the product of a few rounds of ivf. Fertility treatment in itself is very gruelling. However, you may live to regret a snap decision and the opportunity may not present itself again.

I have not been in this position and it sounds so very hard. I would like to think that I would have proceeded as dd is someone I wouldn’t wanted to have missed out getting to know and love.

I am friends with a woman, who is childless by circumstance. It is a hard road and she has had a lot of therapy. She is a member of a group called Gateway Women. There are meet-ups and she has made friends. This is a well known group and has been recommended on here before. The group has helped her enormously.

I also loom around at childless people I know (please do not take offence if you are childless) but they often appear empty and miserable. Maybe I'm hanging with the wrong crowd but the parents also seem miserable but appear to have purpose - at least they're living for something?

If you come over to the MNers without children board, OP, you can read posts from women who are living happy, busy & purposeful lives without having kids.

Said gently to you, OP, as I know you are struggling right now, but if you visit the MN without children board you will see we are not a miserable, empty bunch - we fill our lives with other things. There is plenty to live for, life isn't just about having children. You do have a big mental shift to make first, though, so you will need to work through that, give yourself grace to do that and feel what you feel.

However I do feel you have relationship issues that need resolving, too!

You are definitely making the right choice to be childfree OP - it sounds like you only want kids to bring purpose to your life, rather than because you want the children themselves. If you had kids, there is a high probability you would regret the choice, so keep that in mind when you question your decision. It also sounds as though you don't see your DH as the ideal partner to have children with judging by how disturbed you are by what he said.
What scares you so much about being childfree? Just because others who are seem miserable that doesn't mean you will be. You also say the parents you know seem miserable, so why do you believe children make any difference?

I think counselling would help you

Although it says it may take several days for a response, I usually find its 24 hours. If you keep replying to their reply, it becomes a continuing dialogue.
It's anonymous as the volunteer answering your email will get a code number, not your actual email address.
I hope this helps.

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/write-email/

Sending you virtual hug.

It sounds like you are going through a lot. Emotionally exhausted, physically draining. Try and take some time out. Maybe get away for a weekend on your own for some rest and give yourself time and space to just be in a different environment, space to have a clear view. This is about you not your partner.

You can live a wonderful life child free. I know plenty of people who do. There are some great Instagram accounts on this as well. It's the brave choice in our society where we put soooo much emphasis on having kids. Some women feel The pressure to feel 'normal' and be accepted by others is having kids.

But you are capable of so much more if you choose. There are many ways to give yourself to others and many adventures for you to enjoy as a child free person.

But first take time to mourn and feel stronger again xx

You need to speak to a counsellor and share ALL the information so they can support you with how you’re feeling. This post isn’t going to help. Please seek professional support

I am in the same boat as you. Started IVF in 2018. Had three rounds over last two years and all unsuccessful. We have other options but the IVF was so draining and the highs and lows of hoping and it not working are so tiring.
I took have decided that despite spending all the time going through IVF I don't want kids and have decided not to pursue more treatment.

I'm not sure though if this is what I truly want or if this is what I've convinced myself I want to protect myself.

It's so difficult to work out what you truly want as it's a lot of time to try and get something and then to feel you don't want it. I've done the same where I think in my head that it's for the best and I'd be a terrible mum anyway and I see how hard kids are and how it would affect my life and job negatively, but it's strange not knowing if that's how you truly feel or not.

I can't really offer much advice but just want to say I truly understand how you feel.

Agree about finding a safe place to share.

Also, would it be helpful to go on a short break? To clear your head a bit? And give you some sort of breathing space?